Life is a never ending cause and affect chain of events, if we change one thing it can affect the events for the rest of our life and cause ripple effects to an unknown amount of people.
I used to judge people on how clean their house was, what they wore, how they dressed; it was the way I was raised and its easy to do when you aren’t in their position. Its like non-parents that know exactly how you should raise your child or a person who has never done drugs counseling someone to quit drugs, someone who has never been in an abusive relationship telling you to “just get over it”.
So many times over the last 12+ years I have had to eat my words; its hard to feel superior to anyone when you’ve got a mouthful of all the words you are trying swallow.
I find myself once again swallowing words spoken or thought years ago when I was warm and cozy in my own little spotless clean house. I distinctly remember the words, “I don’t care where you live or how broke you are , there is never a good reason to have a dirty house. Have some pride!” or “They could change their situation if they really wanted to”.
If you don’t know the individuals circumstances you can’t say any thing. Recently some well meaning person said Laila needs more exercise and training. A simple and true statement, and a seemingly easy enough task; until you take into account that we live in a dinky trailer and she has to go straight to bed on my bed when we get home. Taking her for more walks seems like an obvious solution to her high energy until you consider its freezing outside, the heater in my truck has quit and the trailer is freezing. A person doesn’t mind going for a long walk in the cold when they have a warm house to go home to, but to go out and get colder when you are already cold is asking too much.
My place is a pig sty, I am ashamed to let anyone see it; I have always been a very clean housekeeper; I tell myself that I would feel better if I cleaned the place. But last night I had to use my foot to break the ice on the water and then stick my hand in to ladle out water for the dogs and to wash with. In order to heat it I have to turn off the heater, to make supper I have to turn off the heat, the trailer is freezing, I am not turning off the heat any more than absolutely necessary. Its so cold I usually eat, huddle up over the heater for awhile and then crawl into bed with the puppies where I have a fitful sleep because I can’t stay warm.
I wake up early determined to get out of the place early and go to work but its not so easy when you don’t have a hot shower, when you’ve slept in your clothes because its too cold to undress, when you barely slept all night and when you did you had nightmares about your ex.
The solution seems easy; find another place to live but that’s not so easy when you don’t have the internet or phone service where you live. NONE lately. So drive down the hill where you Do have service. That’s fine for a while but when the truck doesn’t have heat it gets unbearably cold pretty quick, at least if I am driving we get the hot air off the engine. But we have laws against using a cell phone while driving.
Move the trailer I’ve been given. Turns out this gift is not as straight forward as originally thought. The transfer form name doesn’t match the name on the registration. The guys who gave me the trailer never put it in their name, the old guy who used to own the property died and no one seems to know who’s name is on the trailer and the previous owners really don’t care because they got rid of it 6 years ago. So now I don’t know how long it will be before I can get it in my name. It will happen its just going to take awhile. I need it in my name to put it in most parks. I could move it temporarily but being that it isn’t a regular rv trailer but a “park model” things are complicated yet again. Not all parks can accommodate a park model trailer, for one thing it doesn’t have a holding tank for the sewer and has to be plumbed in, it’s 40′ long and not all parks have lots that large, it is not built to be moved easily. They are meant to be semi permanent, moved maybe 3-4 times in their life time. No one knows how many times its already been moved but the less I move it the better.
The guy helping me tells me that we shouldn’t put the pushouts back in it until I find a permanent home for it, and we should close in the holes where the pushouts go with plywood, insulate it and just live in it like that until I get a place for it where it won’t be moved again. Fine and dandy but where do I store the pushouts for God knows how long, what park is going to take it with plywood on the outside? How do I fix the trailer in order that it will meet the standards of a park if the pushouts aren’t attached?
Also I have had people promise me things with the best of intentions and then not follow through. what if I move it and then the guy helping me for whatever reason can’t help me put it back together and I end up with just another expense because it will be useless and I will be stuck with it.
I want the trailer but does it even make sense any more when it is such a hassle and I am supposed to be starting a new job and need a decent place to live. But where do I go with two dogs in like 3 days. I can’t find any place to live if I don’t have internet or a phone and I still need to work because I need money.
I get so overwhelmed by it all. I KNEW moving up here was going to be the death of me; its like I am stuck here now. I get anxiety attacks over it. I have to go do my ICBC written test for my air brakes and all I can think about is where am I going to live.
Well, I went and did my test for my air brakes and failed miserably; I should have known better than to go in the state of mind I was in but I kinda hoped I’d ace it and it would be one less thing on my plate. Now its a bigger thing on my plate. no one at work was upset; 1/2 the guys there have failed it some didn’t even pass the course but I don’t like to fail. I wasn’t surprised though; I am exhausted. I don’t member the last time I had a good nights sleep.
I start work tomorrow, I think I am going to try to get my friend to babysit the dogs tomorrow or at least tonight so I can stay at a friends tonight.
My phone is going to die so I will update you all tomorrow.
Do you have any words you have had to swallow?