I Feel Like I Have Been Put On Hold – (and forgotten)

I go to work and life is good (most days), today I didn’t haul a load in and that always makes me uneasy.

Old habits die hard.

I am finding it difficult to adjust my attitude with this new job. I am so used to needing to get a load in every day that if I don’t I automatically start to feel panic set in. I am also battling that little voice in my head (that sounds suspiciously like JC) that keeps saying, “They are going to figure out you’re a fraud and fire your ass”.  Just like JC had thought I was “perfect just the way I am” when he met me and then discovered the mysterious flaw of mine that made it impossible for him to live with me or love me.

Intellectually I know it was gas lighting, projection, and manipulation on his part but he planted the seeds of doubt and its really hard not to water them and let them grow.

Today I stayed home until almost 10 because I was doing work on the computer; making up a customer prospects list, a proposal and setting up my financial records; all things important to my job.

I made a few stops on the way into work, handed out business cards,  introduced myself etc all important to my job.

But I didn’t have tangible evidence (a load on the truck) that I had worked. My job description is to promote the company, get their name out there and customers coming through the gate, if I get some scrap in the process all the better. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I also had to get Colin, our mechanic to look at my truck because it has developed a “clunk” since yesterday. Its no wonder when you see what it had to

pack

the day before.

image

image

Notice the second picture and where the front wheels of my truck are!!

We had rented an excavator and my boss asked me to load it on my truck and return it. Fine and dandy until the guy drove it on to my truck and I tried to put the tilt deck back and it wouldn’t budge.

The person in the picture with the fluorescent rain coat on is Colin, our mechanic/genius who came to my rescue and got the excavator securely on the truck and the deck back where it belongs. Its all about weight distribution, keeping the excavator bucket over the cab of the truck and trying to keep as much weight as possible as far forward as possible.

I knew that, I’d watched JC load heavy equipment and knew it is not unusual for the front wheels to come off the ground but when you are the one working the levers and its your responsibility; its a little unnerving. Thank God for Colin!!

I was nervous about delivering it by myself but Colin reassured me I could handle it and I did. (I took the long way around getting there to avoid a HUGE hill because I was petrified I’d miss a shift and have to back down, cause a traffic jam etc)

I got it unloaded no problem but it how has a clunking sound. But that took up part of my day also and I feel I wasn’t productive. God how I hate self doubt!!

After JC and I split one of the things I missed most about him being in my life was he was just so damn knowledgeable and talented at so many things. But I have met JC’s match; not only is Colin just as talented as JC as a mechanic, welder, fabricator, but he is also talented at all household type repairs like carpet laying and tile setting. Whereas JC would start a job and never get it finished or do a 1/2 ass job and expect acolades for the good job he did. JC destroyed so many things “fixing” them I used to cringe if he ever even suggested he wanted to paint a room.

AND everyone likes Colin, including my dogs. Laila ripped a toe nail off and I went to Colin because I didn’t know what to do and he was so kind and gentle with her and took care of her, and then later messaged me to see how she was doing. The next day he messaged to say he had made the dogs special steps down from the truck so they wouldn’t hurt themselves again.

Every time I see him he makes me feel he’s happy to see me and the dogs. The really great thing about him is; we’re friends, he has a girlfriend so there is no danger I’ll get hurt.

I don’t know if I can describe how I feel but I am going try.

Before JC I never felt afraid, my life was pretty mundane and for lack of a better word; normal. After I met JC nothing was ever certain, the only certainty was that you couldn’t count on anything. So for over 12 years I have gone through life being afraid and the very person who caused all the fear and uncertainty was the person I was reliant on to keep me safe. After JC anyone I asked to help me wanted something in exchange (ie: sex)

I am not healed, I still find myself waiting for it to all fall apart, but time after time lately, good things
actually happen. Now, it I could just move out of this hell hole and have a place to call home I would feel I can leave the past behind me and live my life in peace.

I used to believe that good things happen to good people and if you work hard you are rewarded, that if you are a good friend you will have good friends, and that for the most part the world is fair and just. If you don’t believe in those things the world becomes pretty scary.

I think; what the truth is; is that the majority of people in the world are like me; just trying to get by best they can, but there are other people out there like JC who will take advantage, use, intimidate, manipulate, and destroy in order to get what they want.

A narcissist wants you to believe they are the only thing you can believe in. There is only one thing you need to believe and that is this:

A narcissist can not love, they don’t even love themselves and they seek to destroy anything good and pure because they can’t stand to see any one happy or have something they don’t have. 

If you think you are in love with a narcissist run!! before they make themselves the centre of your world and you lose everything. When I say everything I am not talking possessions: although that is where they start. If you are hanging on because you will have nothing if you leave, take it from someone who knows; the narcissist will take so much more than “things”, things can be replaced. Peace of mind, feeling secure and safe, being loved and feeling lovable, friends, family, a home, pets; they are all things vital to living a happy life and the narcissist will strip you of everything before he discards you.

Hugs to everyone, be strong!! No Contact!!
Carrie

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20 Replies to “I Feel Like I Have Been Put On Hold – (and forgotten)”

  1. I think you should wait for that nagging voice to land on a table, and then smash it with a fly-swatter.

    Although, I should probably take my own advice at times. Haha!

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    1. Michael, as always you are so funny!! Thank you for stopping by, I know you must be very busy with school and all. I hope its all going well and you are enjoying it. I just know you are going to do well!”
      Hugs and hi to your mom!!
      Did you show her my truck ?

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      1. School is good, I actually like the physical classes than the online ones I have to take but they are just the prerequisite classes. Next semester will be the start of the courses for my certification.

        Showed my mom the picture of the truck. She said she is happy for you as well with the new job.

        Hope all is good.

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  2. Hey Carrie!,

    Wonderful post! I can relate entirely. I sometimes wonder about me, how I feel about my job, IF I am doing a good job, etc……. I obsess about it , actually. And yes, these are the left overs, the stamp ” NARC was here”. Might as well have stamped it on my forehead LOL You sound so much like me, I try and give the company not 100% but 150% ALL THE TIME. And you made me realize with this post where that comes from. Not a love of my job, although I DO love it, but out of fear, that niggling sense that “I am not good enough”. So I try harder, work longer hours and am super dependable to a fault some times. Always thought I was trying to “prove” my worth to the company, but really, I am trying to prove it to me. Hell, I get , this year, 6 weeks paid vacation 6!!!!, but won’t take more than a day or 2 at a time 😦 It’s almost as if they implanted a paranoia or sorts. Like if I am not working, I won;t know what going on. I know it comes from years of really NOT knowing what was going to happen the next hour, minute, when the next lie would pop up, the next rage the next fight. So I am super vigilant, always. I try an anticipate trouble even when none exists. Like I can take nothing for granted, ever. Never relax. I guess it has gotten better over the years, some, but it is always there to some degree. I don;t think it will ever totally leave me, now. Most days I just don;t let it get the best of me. This really is their legacy. And it sucks, big time 😦

    Hugs Carrie!

    Elaine

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    1. Elaine, thanks for relating; I am glad to know I’m not the only one who goes through this. I get so sick of having to ” self counsel” all the time; at least I seem to be winning the fight, I when I fight with myself I can get a word in edge wise which is better then any fight I had with JC. I can live with it, its a hell of alot better than where I came from.
      Thanks for the hug, right back at you!
      🙂

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  3. That nagging voice is the evil part of life that doesn’t want you to receive the joy and happiness that our creator intended for all of us. Just reflect on your lives and think about when everything was going well. Yet some little voice warned it wasn’t going to last. That little voice wants to hold all of us back from happiness. Some call it evil some call it just plain old fear. Trust in God or who ever your higher power is and remind yourself God doesn’t make junk!

    As for you Carrie my girl. KEEP ON TRUCKIN!

    CHEERS

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    1. Morgan, thankyou so much! I do love my job!! It appears that I had to do my time; and now I ‘ve earned the good things in life. For awhile it didn’t seem to matter what I did nothing turned out in my favor and now its like with no effort everything is coming together. Even when I find myself getting negative something always happens to make it work out.
      2013 is my best year yet and only month in; wonder what the other 11 hold?

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  4. Colin sounds like a great guy, but I’m somehow pleased he has a girlfiriend because you just don’t need the complications at the moment. How you manage with that truck is a constant source of admiration from me I can assure you

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    1. Countingducks, I agree with you totally on the Colin issue. I really like him, alot of things I really respect and admire about him and I think he feels the same. All the things that make a great friendship! It doesn’t have to be a love thing. I am still reserving my opinion on him anyway. I’ve only known him a few months and he seems genuine and like a nice guy but so did JC. There are a few things that have given me reason to go ,”Hummmmm” given time every one shows their true colours I can wait. One thing I have learned over the last few years is patience!!

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  5. M ynarcissist took everything, my house, possesions, dog, etc, and he very nearly took my sanity, even in my weakness, i still managed to hold on to a thread of strength, In the end, I was the strong one. After being away from him for over two years, I still wonder WHY!! I endured 17 yrs of hell, the answer is, I didnt see it. He was MY illusion, today, i feel nothing for him, he will never have empathy, compassion, honesty, because HE is screwed up. Thank you god for helping me to see the light, Stay strong everyone. XX

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    1. Thank you Marion!It helps to know someone survived that long with one of these bottom feeders and can say they are no longer haunted by him. How is the rest of your life going? Do you ever see him? I literally have anxiety attacks at the possibility of seeing him but if I know I won’t run into him I am fine.The other night I came home and all the lights were out. I immediately froze, I knew the breaker in the barn must have blown again but for a split second I thought, “He’s here”. I wonder if that will ever go away.Sent by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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      1. Probably not, Carrie 😦 Not as long as he is in close proximity to you. It took me a 1300 mile move before I started to feel a little itty bitty teeny weeny safe. But I still jump outta my skin when I hear the doorbell ring and I am not expecting anyone. Or sometimes when the phone rings 😦 Ingrained, learned behavior.

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      2. Hi Carrie, I see him occasionally, when he drops my son off. I try not to speak or react, if i do have to acknowledge him, i am just nice, because i am not going to show him that he still fills me with fear. I am glad i am away from him, however, i dont think i will ever be the same person again, and it is so hard to get out of his previous negative comments hurled at me. The only thing that bugs me is that he takes new gf on hols, trips, cinema etc, and i can count on one hand the amount of times we ever did anything and if we did, his family were normally in tow, (especially his mom). Wishing you love peace hugs and happiness 🙂 Keep on trucking carrie 🙂

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  6. Carrie, you are so dilligent. You are the over productive person in the group. Once upon a time when I was a fledgling sales associate my sales manager said that we would do farming….I thought of a big tractor and plow. He laughed and said no, it is when you sow seeds, give out cards, make cold calls and ask for their business. Then one day the seeds begin to sprout and a new crop of accounts begin to grow.

    Wow! You are a farmer!

    Love and best wishes

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    1. Ray’s mom, what a great analogy. I had called my boss and said, “I thought you might like to know what I have been up to the last couple of days seeing as you haven’t seen me coming through the gate with a load on. He said he hadn’t really thought about it and he just assumed I was doing “my thing”. I told him that Colin was working on my truck the past couple of days and I had to take it to a couple of different shops but every where I went, even after hours; ie: Walmart I take cards with me and talk to the manager or whoever handles the scrap. He asked how it was going and I told him I am shocked at how many people don’t even know we exist! He got all excited and exclaimed, “THAT’S why I hired you! That is exactly what we need: you out there spreading the word, talking to people”. Then he went on to say that since I started the yard has been sick much busier. They have had to ship an extra load out of scrap last week and work overtime to get it ready. I had thought the yard was busier and who knows if it has anything to do with me but this is typically the slowest time of year for scrap. Usually people get laid off and he’s hired another guy.I was so excited and relieved.I’ll be damned! I am doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing!! Huh! Thank you Ray’s Mom you are always so encouraging and supportive.HugsCarrieSent by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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  7. Carrie, you are so raw in your posts; you really have me feel for you.

    I know, I know – about that voice in your head. Oh please, please flick it. I know too about waiting for all the good to go bad.

    Carrie keep winning. You logically know what is what – don’t get dragged away by imagination.

    Re handing out business cards without a load on your truck – to me, that’s perfectly understandable. Who wants to haul a load around when you’re doing PR? I think it’s perfectly fine.

    Stay WELL Carrie 🙂

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