I woke up yesterday morning and did what thousands of people do every morning; I turned on the tap and filled a kettle with water, turned on my stove and boiled water; not to wash in but to make coffee with. I also buttered a cinnamon roll that had gone a little stale and popped it in the oven, then I stood at my back door and watched 3 little ducks swim in circles and a couple of Heron standing in the swamp waiting for a tender morsel to swim by for their breakfast. Nothing too noteworthy or exceptional unless a person has lived without the luxury of running water and cooking facilities; then it is enough to make you cry. I suppose the day will come when making a cup of coffee will no longer be an emotional experience and become as routine as it is for most of the world but right now it is just one of the many blessings I am grateful for every day.
When I count blessings I always include my two faithful little companions so I went to check on them in the bedroom.
How beautiful is that picture? A small little bedroom filled with warm sun light, with two shar-pei’s snoring peacefully snuggled up on a real bed; the bed I just got out of. Its a small bedroom, with barely enough room to walk past the bed on two sides, but doesn’t it put a smile on your face? Do you notice what is attached to the bedroom? that is a bathroom, a bathroom that contains a tub, shower, toilet and bright window. Where I am going to have a nice hot shower as soon as I finish this post.
There isn’t an hour in the day that I am not grateful for something, I laugh easily, make jokes like I used to, my quick wit has returned and I find humor in the stupidest things, I dance by myself in the kitchen, I sing at the top of my lungs as I drive, I laugh at myself and I want to stop people on the street and hug them and explain why they should be happy for me. I want to stand on a street corner and yell, ” I have been to hell and I am back, I have slept with the devil and it almost killed me but I survived! Look at me! I am alive!!” I know that most people would think I was crazy, but I know how many of the people who come here feel so broken they don’t think they will ever laugh and be grateful to be alive again.
I am here to tell you; believe in yourself, believe in your right to be happy and just make it through the day, one day at a time, or hour at a time on bad days because the view from top is breath taking and it will be worth the struggle when you get there.
I spent so many years being fearful, suspicious, and waiting for the other shoe to drop I forgot what happiness felt like; perhaps I have never known true happiness, maybe I had to lose everything in order to really appreciate the simple joys in life. Maybe I had to be torn into tiny pieces and left naked with my heart broken and my spirit shattered, my beliefs stomped on, in order to put myself back together – take the cards I’ve been dealt and make a decent hand out of it. Discard the crap I’ve been dealt and only keep the good cards; knowing I can make a better hand out of the good cards than if I keep my hand full of the crappy cards.
I fight fear, I fight that tiny voice that says “this isn’t going to last” because I believe it will last and you know the longer it lasts the more I believe it will last and less I sweat the small stuff. It is true; negative breeds negative and once you break that cycle and start on a positive path things just keep getting better. It isn’t that my life is perfect or that assholes don’t creep into my world; I still have money concerns, I still get angry but it doesn’t consume me any more.
I was stuck in that trailer and felt at a disadvantage, I felt Jim was trying to take advantage of my vulnerability, I felt disrespect and devalued, seen as nothing more than a pussy; that is what narcissist do, they dealue you, make you a comoditity, they treat you like a piece of property or a tool to get what they want. If they don’t get what they want from you (and we are mere humans, unable to provide the narc with everything he desired which is impossible because he can’t be happy) they simply toss you in the garbage and declare you faulty and worthless. Once they have stripped you of all your money, self confidence, possessions and support system it is very easy for other low lifes to move in and try to take advantage of your weakened state. The people who prey on the victim after they are discarded by the N are not as evil as the narcissist but they don’t have to be because he has done the damage, they just move in to clean off the bones, like vultures wait for the lion to have his fill and then move in. That was Jim, he moved in thinking I would be easy pickings because I had been gutted by JC. It is like the new woman rubbing the ex’s nose in how superior she is, not evil like a narcissist but egotistical enough to get off on kicking someone when they are down and terribly damaging when someone is already at their lowest. Its a hard battle back made harder by the people who purposely step on your fingers as you cling to the cliff of your sanity.
But once you survive that, and believe in yourself again, they lose their power over you. I did my best to get Jim’s trailer ready for him in time and had to leave alot of stuff behind because I was focussed on the trailer and thought I’d get my other stuff out of the barn the next week. He told me he saw a truck pulling out of the driveway when he went up to get the trailer and said the area is full of thieves, scrap haulers. When I went up to get my stuff there was nothing of value left. All my gardening tools were gone, well……at least $1000 worth of stuff was gone but strangely enough……..the metal was left behind and the spare key I had made for the barn was still in the door. I was ripped off by “friends”. When I told Jim all my stuff was gone he immediately started talking about the thieves up there, until I interrupted and told him that the “thieves” had forgotten the spare key (which I had put on an old key chain of mine) in the door of the barn. He sputtered something about talking to Paul, and I said,”You know what Jim, I don’t give a shit, it is the end of that chapter in my life and I am not letting the assholes from my past tarnish my future. It is just a little glitch, the end of the worst time in my life and I am looking forward and not back. That barn is so far behind me now, as are the people associated with that time in my life. I want nothing to do with anyone from that time, I refuse to be pulled back into their small world.”
He said he’d see me when he got back and I thought,”Not if I see you first”. I know he will talk behind my back because he talks behind everyone’s back. I am done with shallow, small people, he can talk all he wants.
Oh! to close on a positive note, one other little event in the flow of good things coming my way. One of my customers was au’tioning off a 1989 Ford F250 because the customer didn’t pay their bill and I made an absentee bid of $350 and got it! Colin checked it out and he says it is worth at least $1500 and I have heard from other people not to ask anything less than $1500-$1800. It has been really well cared for, is 4×4, not rusted, and runs great! I think I will put it on Craig’s List for $1800 or trade for a little import car and cash. I would like a little car that I can drive when I want to dress up and stay clean. We’ll see. If it doesn’t sell I can get my money back by scrapping it but I am sure it will sell.
I gotta get out of here and go to work.
The sun is shining, it would be so easy to stay home and just soak up the beauty of the day but I won’t have it for long if I do that.
Blessings to you all. Hang in there!!!! Life is waiting for you!!