Dating After the Narcissist

For 12+ years I have not kissed any man besides JC, from the first time we kissed I knew I didn’t want to be with any other man and for the first time in my life I truly didn’t even think about another man the whole time I was with him and for over two years after he left me for another woman. I can’t guess how many women he was with, I know of 6, but I am sure there are more, unfortunately his ease at moving from one woman to the next or having several on the hook at the same time did not diminish my faithfulness.

To be honest he was a lousy lover most of the time but when he wanted to he could rock my world like no man ever has and have me begging him to stop. When a man has that kind of control over your body, knows your body that well and wants you that badly you can’t help but feel he must love you with the same intensity that he makes love to you; it is very hard to let that go, to forget it.

I always had a feeling that JC knew me better than anyone had ever known me, and still loved me, of course I know now that it was all part of his m.o. He always told me that no other man would tolerate what he did and no other man would want me.

I had never had any trouble getting and keeping a man prior to meeting JC but entering the dating scene over 12 years later was a scary proposition, not only did I have the tiny voice telling me, “Sure he thinks your great right now, but wait until he gets to know you and finds out what JC did.” but now I am 12 years older, 12 years wrinklier, 12 years grayer, with dentures, and a heart that had been torn out of my chest stomped on and tossed in the garbage.

I had joined several on-line dating services but didn’t reply to any of the guys that showed interest. Where I was living had a lot to do with me not wanting to meet anyone, for a long time my teeth held me back but getting the job at Ccon took care of many of the excuses I had to not date. I couldn’t imagine ever having another man touch me, or kissing another man, I was afraid I’d be disappointed, I was afraid I wouldn’t recognize the signs of an N. I was afraid of rejection, I was just plain afraid, like a virgin, unsure of what to expect.

Then I asked C to help me with my trailer and we became friends, a man and a woman can be friends, right? It felt good to be in the company of a man who seemed to appreciate and like me and not have the pressure of “dating”. Over the course of the last 2 months the girl he had living with him moved out, I had to drive him to Kelowna and we shared a hotel room, we had seperate beds, my dogs have fallen in love with him and he has been a HUGE help with my move. He has cooked me many suppers, he text messages me every night to say good night and every morning to say “Have a nice day”. He calls me “Babe”, which has been an alarm bell since the first time he did it, yet it also feels good.

The relationship has progressed slower than any relationship I have ever had with a man, I have held back on getting too intimate, gotten to know him slowly, stayed true to myself and not stayed when I really wanted to go home, and he has been very understanding about my fears and need for space. We have talked openly about my past with JC and my fears.

How scarred I really am was very apparent this last weekend. Because C still doesn’t have his BC drivers license I have to pick him up and take him home, it had gotten late and I was too tired to drive him home so he had to sleep on the couch. I could tell he was not really happy about it but he didn’t say anything. In the early morning hours I woke up and Kato was not in my bed so I got up to look for him and discovered he wasn’t in the house any where. C was asleep on the couch and I checked the house twice for Kato as I felt panic welling up inside me. Where could Kato be?? I was fighting the panic, my immediate thought had been that C was angry about not coming to bed with me and in typical JC passive aggressive fashion had let Kato outside and now Kato was gone or he had done something worse. I opened the back door and there was Kato tied to the back porch. He looked cold and I filled with a mixture of anger and relief. The sound of the door opening woke C up and I asked him why Kato was outside, he told me Kato had come and asked him to go out so he had let him out. It all made perfect sense but it sent me reeling back in time to when I was with JC and lived in constant fear of his retaliation for perceived slights against him. I felt the tears welling up inside me and found myself explaining as best I could some of the things I went through with JC.

C said,”Maybe you will never be able to have a relationship again”.

He appears very understanding , he tells me he has the utmost respect for what I have been able to over come, I have told him I am not into being tied down to one man and really need my space. I have explained that I have wanted a place to call home for so long and now that I have it I want to enjoy it and I need my solitude and my independence. I feel he is needing more and doesn’t like to be alone but he doesn’t pressure me too much, I don’t allow it.

I knew I was scarred but had no idea how deeply until I started to date, I have found I think about JC more, I am acutely aware of any red flags, my “N” radar is working overtime and because of that I don’t feel at risk of getting pulled into another relationship like I had with JC. I am staying true to me and not letting my guilt talk me into having sex sooner than I feel ready for, I know that having sex too soon could be my downfall. Having sex takes the relationship to another level and makes it harder to leave. I feel in control and because I feel in control I feel safe.

Being in this relationship has shown me how easy it was to get pulled into JC’s web. When you tell people about the narcissist they can’t believe you put up with the treatment and its very hard to explain what you were attracted to in the first place, but it is all coming back to me now. As much as we all want a man to be attracted to us and find us sexy I know I don’t ALWAYS look great yet with C it doesn’t matter what I am wearing he thinks I look great, everything I do is great, how I decorated the cabin, the way I love my dogs, and I find him repeating back to me things I have said maybe a day or two earlier. If I mention something I like within a day or two he will mention he likes it also. He takes on my opinion on things, if I say my back is sore so is his. I have started teasing him that his back must be really sore when I have a sore back. He never gets angry, never, he is always happy. over time he has mentioned things he has done in his past he is not proud of but he has learned and changed, he has mentioned he used to be really jealous but has overcome that. He is more than willing to help me with anything, and he is multi talented (just like JC), he is valued at work just like JC always was; at first. I find slight discrepancies in his stories and find myself wondering if I heard him wrong the first time. He says he can not understand or accept that a man would ever hit a woman but JC said the same thing, after all it was my fault he hit me, I drove him to it.

But there are no glaringly obvious signs he is a narcissist. He actually text messaged me the other night and asked what a narcissist is (|he knows about my blog) and I tried to explain as well as a person can in a text message. He asked if I thought he was a narcissist, and I can see why he would ask, I ask some pretty straight forward questions and I have to admit I am keeping notes. Is that fair to the guy?

Do I care if I am being fair? yes, I do care and that is why I have been straight up with him about what I have been through and made it very clear that I am not ready for anything more than just a casual, no commitment type relationship. It has crossed my mind that I might be passing up a good thing but you know what? I am quite ok with spending the rest of my life alone. Never before in my life have I ever been more ok with being alone.

For almost 2 years I haven’t even been able to listen to the radio because so many songs made me sad.

(Hey I was a real basket case, I admit it, I never thought I would heal. I see women come on here and they are 3 weeks into the breakup and at the same spot I was at over a year after the breakup. Don’t ever beat yourself up because you are taking too long to heal. My God it took me over a year to stop crying every day, 2 years to even want to live. But I made it and so can you!!)

There is a song out now that I love, I’m sure you’ve all heard it.
But it really says the way I feel right now and every time I hear it I crank up the volume

Kelly Clarkson – Stronger

You know the bed feels warmer Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color And do the things I want
You think you got the best of me
Think you’ve had the last laugh

Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I’d come running back
Baby you don’t know me, cause you’re dead wrong
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over ’cause you’re gone
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on over you
You didn’t think that I’d come back
I’d come back swinging
You try to break me
But you see…
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
[ From: ]

I am proof that:
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Don’t lose faith!

29 thoughts on “Dating After the Narcissist

  1. Anonymous_Shea

    I really appreciate your honestly. I’ve been separated from my narcissistic husband for a year who I have a daughter with. Somedays are good but lately, it’s been a struggle since I started seeing someone. I question my ability to see the red flags or if I even make them up in my head out of fear. It eases the pain knowing I’m not the only one going through this.



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