Out the Darkness He Still Creeps

Its been a long time and I hesitate to even mention it for fear he still lurks here and will see that he got to me vicariously again but it is part of the process I suppose and something perhaps others want to know. How long will he haunt me?

Well its been 2 years, 3 1/2 months and in he walked into my dreams like nothing had ever happened, smiling that sheepish grin he used to get when he knew he was being a “bad boy” the grin that I used to tell myself was his way of showing me he couldn’t control his desire for me, love for me, or whatever it was that made me keep going back. It was a grin that melted my hardest resolve and took away my voice and he knew exactly what he was doing.

Last night he was there just like so many times in the past, professing his love, me telling him to just go away and him telling me to “just let things happen as they should”, didn’t I know he would be back? Didn’t he tell me I would do better without him? So am I supposed to be grateful he left me? I suppose. Grateful for the years of heartache, lies and eventual vicious discard. Sorry, no, I don’t thank him for that and never will. I told him last night that he had no right to come now professing a love that never existed just when I am getting by on my own and am happy.

Then he kissed me and when I put my hands up to push against his chest he took my hand and slid a ring on my finger. He refused to let me speak and just said, ‘Don’t say anything, just wear it, no one has to know where you got it; only we will know. Just wear it for me.”

Then he disappeared, faded into black and I woke up and checked my finger, no ring. relief.

But all day I half expected to see him, I thought I saw him driving a semi through town, he was on my mind more than usual and yes I checked his facebook and he has unhidden his profile. He had it hidden for a long time and I haven’t checked in so long I don’t know when he unblocked me. I hate that I checked and I hate that now I wonder why he unblocked me, was he checking on me? probably.

I had his sister come out for the weekend a couple of weeks ago. They have barely talked since he made her miss her daughters wedding, in fact his whole family has seen or heard very little from him since he got with M. But Denise was on the skytrain on her way to meet me when he called her. He was in Vancouver on his way up the coast and he had missed his ferry and did she want to go for coffee. She said, “You aren’t going to believe this but am on my way to sped the weekend with Carrie. She said he barely missed a beat but there was a definite silence before he said, “Oh well, good for you, have a good time.”

Sometimes I think there must be a higher power controlling little things like that, those coincidences. I didn’t ask if he was still with M and neither did Denise. We had a great weekend and I really haven’t thought much about it until last night.

Where the hell did he come from? and why? I know it is my own head so why now would I dream a dream like that? I didn’t wake up in a sweat like I used to or crying. I got up and went on with my very busy day and then I got home and had the stereo on and that song “I Set Fire to the Rain” came on and all of a sudden I was crying, sobbing. Kato stopped licking his balls and looked at me like he was saying, “What’s up? you haven’t cried like this is ages”. I laughed and said, “Its ok buddy, I’m fine, ……….. really.” So he went back to licking his balls.

Why was I crying? I’ll tell you why. Because the son of a bitch, ass hole, bottom feeder hurt me, manipulated me with my love for him, the bastard screwed around on me, lied, conned, blamed, physically abused me all in the name of “love” and it hurts damnit!! I am not healed, I wouldn’t wear his ring if he had appeared at my door but I think more than him coming to me it was my mind warning me.

You see, I have another post started about why I stopped seeing C and will leave those details for another post but I was trying to maintain a friendship due to working together and I nipped it in the bud early enough there really should be no hard feelings. Its not that I know he is an N, I don’t know that, I wasn’t dating him long enough to know that, I just know I was uncomfortable about a few things.

Its strange because Kato had been wanting to spend the night with him all the time and then the day I really felt I needed to remove myself from the situation Kato followed me every where like my shadow and made certain I didn’t leave him behind.

Then last night I had stopped at the shop after work to let the dogs run free around the yard. C’s dog was in his dad’s truck and Laila was trying to get in the truck at her. I was giving Laila shit mainly because she was getting muddy paw prints all over the truck. Then C’s dad came out to move his truck and said something to the effect, “I’ll run the brain dead bitch over.” I went to reach for Laila and she growled at me, I slapped her snout and told her not to growl at me and she ducked under the truck. I reached for her and she darted out the other side, by now she was in a real frenzy and C was trying to grab her and I backed off because we were getting no where, she was just getting more worked up.

Then I see C has a 2×4 in his hands and he is swinging at her trying to hit her, then he is poking it in her face and she is really losing it now and I am yelled at him to put the frickin 2×4 down. I ran to the truck and opened the door and called laila and she ran and jumped in. C said she was out of control and it was necessary and I said a 2×4 was NOT necessary and I left.

Tonight he sent a text saying “Can’t fight with you over it I apologize to you cause you feel what I did was wrong. I knew she needed to know she was losing it like she does but needed to be snapped out of it”

My reply was, “All I could see was you losing control and hitting her with a 2×4. At that point I just wanted her out of danger. I have never said anything about you disciplining her before because I felt it was appropriately done, for the crime at the time. I felt you lost control and that scares me.”

his reply, “I did not lose control. I knew the situation needed to snap her out of her rage the she gets going.”

Me –  “So you aren’t sorry. That means it would happen again. |You have every right to feel you were right to do what you did but to me it is no small issue. I would rather hold her while she is put to sleep than to have her beaten with a 2×4. The only thing she learns from that is more aggression and fear. I suppose some people call that respect; but fear has nothing to do with respect. The next time she sees someone with a 2×4 will she attack them? She was growling horribly last night when you approached the truck. That bothers me. I am reading up on what to do with aggressive dogs and no where yet has anyone suggested beating them.

He has sent 3 more text messages defending his actions and I have not responded because I won’t defend my right to decide how my dog is treated. His response was so N-like, not sorry just sorry I was being un reasonable. Well guess what? I don’t care what he thinks.

And I think JC paid me a visit last night to remind me how it felt to be beaten down and put in my place. When I saw Laila snapping and lunging at the 2×4 I was reminded of how I felt when I was cornered, scared, and trying to fight back but knowing I was going to lose. if A person can do it to a dog because they “needed to be controlled or snap out of it” then they will do it to a person.

Thanks JC for stopping by last night, just don’t make a habit of it ok? next time I just might bite back.

Hugs everyone

life is good

Carrie

 

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5 Replies to “Out the Darkness He Still Creeps”

  1. Thanks for the post, Carrie. I often wonder how long it might take me to get rid of him from my thoughts and my mind and my heart. he’s only been gone for 1 week and I am still deeply attached to him. I know that I have a very long way to go. staying no contact at this point is imperative and my own head is fighting it like crazy. I draw strength from the group here and a strange way I know that I am NOT alone.

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    1. He will always be there, unfortunately. Somewhere deep in the recesses of your mind.I sometimes feel bad, I didn’t love my XNH the way ya;ll did yours it seems. I was glad when he was gone, truly, he made me hate him. BUT, the effects from the relationship were the same, and yes all these years later, I still very occasionally dream of him. Or he pops into my mind at odd times. For who knows what reason. Usually when I feel threatened by something, feelings bring him more to mind than memories situations. And yes, I always take it as a warning. If something is going on in my life that can make me feel that vunerable that he comes to mind the feelings of anxiety I had, then
      something is very wrong. He has become to me the symbol of everything I don’t want. Not that I know what it is I really do want, I just know it’s not that, ever again.

      Carrie, they say how a person treats animals is a good indication of their character. You’re right anyone who takes a 2×4 to threaten a dog, unless their life is being threatened believes intimidation is a way to solve problems, and that is scary. But look how far you have come! No excuses for his behavior, just it is unacceptable. So proud of you 🙂

      This is a great post!

      Love and hugs!

      Ellie

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      1. Deja, you are not alone, draw as much strength from the people here that you can. There were days right up to a few months ago that if not for the people here I would have given up I’m sure.

        Either their support helped me be strong or their belief that I could do it and sometimes just not wanting to disappoint them. I remember one particularly bad day I was thinking it would be so eAsy to stop fighting and just kill myself and then i thought of all the women on here that I kept telling to be strong and not give up and thought, “if I kill myself that’s telling them there is no hope; I can’t give up now”.

        I am glad I didn’t give up now, and even the not-so-good days are better then when I wAs with the N.

        You will get there, you will. I believe in you.
        Hugs
        Carrie

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    2. Deja, you are not alone, draw as much strength from the people here that you can. There were days right up to a few months ago that if not for the people here I would have given up I’m sure.

      Either their support helped me be strong or their belief that I could do it and sometimes just not wanting to disappoint them. I remember one particularly bad day I was thinking it would be so eAsy to stop fighting and just kill myself and then i thought of all the women on here that I kept telling to be strong and not give up and thought, “if I kill myself that’s telling them there is no hope; I can’t give up now”.

      I am glad I didn’t give up now, and even the not-so-good days are better then when I wAs with the N.

      You will get there, you will. I believe in you.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. Great post, you’re a smart girl Carrie. These N’s will be with most of us to some degree throughout the rest of our lives. I am resigned to going to my grave stunned by what my ex-N did. But if we can get some “good” out of being “haunted” by them, so that we don’t make the same mistake again, then it’s at least a small consolation prize.

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