An Apology is Only an Apology if There is Change

As most victims of narcissistic abuse you have probably spent hours surfing the net collecting all the information you can on the subject. You are amazed at how your partner fits the description to a tee, right down to the fact that he never apologies, of sure he’s given “apologies” like: “I’m sorry you made me do that” “If you hadn’t done …….. I wouldn’t have done >>>>>>>” , “If I got sex more at home I wouldn’t look elsewhere”, any way you have been there and know what I am talking about.

So when he calls out of the blue or shows up at your door after no contact for weeks or maybe even months and is crying and looks like a little boy who’s lost his mother and begs you to talk to him for just a few minutes, you cautiously let him speak. After all you are curious, you have never seen him quite like this, crying, contrite, remorseful, you’ve never seen him vulnerable.

For the first time ever he apologizes for everything he ever did wrong, his hands shaking, tears streaming down his face and you think he must mean it, he has never let himself be vulnerable like this and you love him so much.

You have been away from him long enough that you are going back to the way you were before you met him, you are calm, rational and logical and you can look back on the relationship and are shocked at how you responded to some situations in the relationship. It was so unlike you to snoop, be suspicious, cry all the time, go into rages because you were so frustrated, you just weren’t yourself. So when he starts to admit all his errs; you, being the fair, understanding honest person you are; take responsibility for your part in the relationship’s  troubles. The two of you talk just like you did in the beginning, open and honest and it feels so good, you really feel he must be sincere. You don’t want to punish him, you want to forgive and forget and he is asking if you can just put the past behind and take it from here. You know how hard to would be for him to ever admit fault, surely he wouldn’t do that if he didn’t really mean it, after all you have stayed away, you didn’t beg him, he came to you all on his own.

If he was a normal person you would be right, he must mean it, BUT he is a narcissist!! and a narcissist will say and do anything to get what he wants at the time. He has studied human nature and he has saved his best for last, he would prefer to not use contritiness and vulnerability to get what he wants but when he is lacking ns and needing a boost to his ego, or money or a place to live he will resort to anything; besides he can always deny ever saying it later.

But right now in front of you, with pleading eyes full of love and not loathing, with words coming out of his mouth you never thought you would hear, making promises of undying love and faithfulness how do you walk away? What if he really does mean it? what if you walk away and he really has changed? how will you know if you don’t give him another chance? WHAT DO YOU DO??

Well, you could come on this site or any other site on the net that talks about loving a narcissist and ask if anyone has met a narcissist that apologized and what happened and you would be told by everyone to RUN!!! BUT you still cling to the belief that, although he fits the description of a narcissist to a T, and the last time you were with him all but killed you; you are different from every other woman who has been involved with a narcissist. YOUR narcissist is capable of love, he is just confused and hurt from his past, you can tell he loves you, you two have a special bond, something those other women didn’t have. You feel sorry for them and he did treat you horribly but deep down you always knew he loved you and now he realizes it too. Go ahead, he’s lying to you, might as well join the party and lie to you too.

Hey! I am not criticizing you for wanting to believe him; I have done it 3 times!! Finally the 4th time I found the balls to walk away, but I still didn’t do it to his face, I sent an email to him and his new woman telling him to stay away. The really sad thing is that once you have heard the first apology every one after that is exactly the same and you want to look behind your back and see if there is someone holding up cue cards.

so cherish the first one; it’s easier to believe the lie when it isn’t an instant replay.

OK Ok I know, you really want to know what to do and I am being sarcastic and a smart ass, sorry.

Lets look at this as rational, mature, intelligent women dealing with a normal, caring, honest, man who is truly remorseful. The only reason you wouldn’t want to look at it that way is if you truly are lying to yourself and don’t believe him but you don’t want to face the truth. Hey got that t-shirt also. “If I challenge him, if I make him work for my trust, if I make him accountable, if I don’t make it easy he might not stay.” you can also lie to him and yourself and say, “I forgive you but the first time you cheat, hit me, ………. fill in the blank; I am out of here, this is the last chance.” Go ahead, say it like you mean it because you know you won’t walk away once you recommit, you are going to hang on even tighter. And sure you can promise top not snoop or be suspicious because you have been away from him long enough to forget the things that MADE you suspicious but once you are back together he will go back to his old ways and guess what, you will be expected to trust him explicitly and keep your end of the bargain even though he isn’t.

But we are talking about a normal guy who realized that he treated you like crap and wants you back. For one thing, I hate to break it to you but a normal guy just doesn’t switch between being an asshole and being a nice guy; he just doesn’t. A normal guy might have an affair but he doesn’t abuse and criticize every aspect of you, a normal guy doesn’t call you every name in the book, discard you like a used condom (a normal guy uses a condom an N doesn’t have to because you should be willing to die for him) and then show up all sorry because a normal guy would never be that cruel, he wouldn’t think of it. but we are pretending so we will carry on.

What is an apology and what are your responsibilities should you accept the apology? An apology is in my mind; a promise to not do it again. An apology is admitting you were wrong and changing your behaviour.
Now the forgiver, if he chooses to forgive has some obligations also, they can’t forever more hold the offense over the other person’s head, they can’t expect the person to continue to apologize over and over again, wear sack cloth and ashes forever more and the forgiver can’t bring up the old offenses in new arguments, lay guilt trips or play games like tit for tat. BUT the forgiver does not have to jump in with both feet with only the word of the narcis……sorry normal guy’s word that he has changed.

A normal guy will know he has to earn your trust again and be willing to do just that.

You want to forgive him, set some boundaries and STICK TO THEM, if he has changed he won’t have a problem with that.
Here are a few very logical and reasonable boundaries that should be put into place.

– he must be tested for STD’s and show you the results before you have unprotected sex with him ever again. NO ACCEPTIONS!!! this is your life we are talking about and I don’t care if he says he didn’t have sex with anyone else, he has lied before and now he is/should be willing to prove his honesty. What has he got to worry about, why would it be an issue? hey you can get tested too if he wants right?

– Whatever the offense was, whether it was personal ads, a porn addiction, another woman he was seeing, him not acknowledging you on his Facebook, passwords on his phone MUST stop immediately!!! not it will stop when you trust him again, not when you change he will change. NO he came to you, he wants it to work, he fixes the problem. That means removing any personal ads immediately.

– You get total unrestricted access to his computer and phone. Privacy smancify, he was dishonest and now he can prove he is a changed man. If he has nothing to hide, he has nothing to hide plain and simple. Sure he can still hide stuff but it is not as easy and if you check enough times and never find anything eventually you will get bored and stop checking ( but just to be on the safe side check once in a while) If his phone rings and he is out of the room there is absolutely no reason why you can’t answer it, you are in a committed relationship and everyone he knows should know that, same goes for Facebook, or any other social media.

– No living together for one year, you are both adults and should be able to support yourselves and take care of your own needs, don’t let him slide back into the house where you are doing all the cooking, cleaning and compromising, let him take care of himself for awhile, he is a big boy and a “normal” guy will like being able to have you over to his place and cook you a dinner, he will like the independence and maybe will learn some talents that he will bring to the table when you do decide to move back in together.

– YOU maintain a life separate from his, friendships you maintain, girl friends you don’t put on the back burner because he wants to see you, he can find something to do for a night that doesn’t involve another woman. If you can’t trust that he can handle a few hours without you without chasing down another woman then there is no hope. “You went out for dinner with your friends and I was lonely so I put a personal ad on the net” is not an excuse, a normal guy would not even try to make you believe that horse shit, he would be afraid you’d throw something at him. NORMAL guys do not cheat because you weren’t there for a few hours let alone if you went on vacation for two weeks!! Come on!! we are being mature intelligent women now right?

– You in turn have to accept he might want to spend some time with the guys, deal with it………this is one area you have to fight the jealousy and insecurity. But you have every right to know where he is going, who with and when he will be home. You are allowed one phone call and he had better answer!!

– Any, I mean ANY signs of infidelity, put downs, or physical abuse (even intimidation like raising his fist or punching a wall) it is DONE!! no 3rd chances, no discussion, no excuses, no apologies, no blaming, call the cops if you have to, put his stuff on the curb and change the locks, change your number and call a girlfriend (because this time you have friends) tell her to bring the ice cream and cry your eyes out and be thankful you were smart enough to not swallow his lies hook line and sinker and you don’t have an STD and you will get over this.

Up to you to decide, do you trust his love? does he love you enough to prove it? scary isn’t it? I didn’t trust his love enough to test it and you know what? he didn’t love me, wish I would have tested it now.

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44 Replies to “An Apology is Only an Apology if There is Change”

  1. My ex N came home in Sept 12, I told him if he left again I would file for divorce. It was the first ultimatum I gave him since I learned about his cheating. I had given him almost all of the chances above and time and again he failed them. He decided to “officially” leave me for his on again off again mistress in the middle of Oct and I told him to take all of his stuff with him. I hired a lawyer the first week but it took some time to gather everything and we had Thanksgiving thrown into the mix. Six weeks later, two days after my birthday (which he didn’t even acknowledge) he told me he was looking for a place to live. The next day I had an appointment to sign the paperwork to request the divorce and knowing that he sent me this text before my meeting:

    “I left because you wouldn’t let me be dad. I want to be a family and be Dad. You always shot me down and said that’s not good for (daughter). Let me come home.”

    Some kind of an apology huh? No I love you or I need you back, no I want to be a good man and the husband you deserve – its nothing but HIM blaming me for HIS behavior and demanding I take him back. I was so mad that I didn’t even flinch when I signed the paperwork. He was/is mad at me for actually following through with my ultimatum and when he was served the next day he has been nothing but a venomous, manipulative bully. I took the charmed life he wanted everyone to see away from him and I don’t lie or hide the truth about what he did. I didn’t say anything to the Sheriff’s office about what he did (he cheated with his zone partner and then moved in with her while working together – a big no-no) only because my daughter and I need him employed. I keep hoping karma will catch up with him but so far no such luck.

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  2. I am just out of a four year relationship. I have spent hours reading every word on this sight. I can’t stop crying! I was a very strong woman with values. Very opinionated. I have always done what I want. I am Very loyal! To my husband, My friends and my children. And now I am just a shell, of my former self, If that. I don’t know who I am any more. My N, stole me from my husband and children. And has destroyed me! No one knows who I am any more. And no one can BELEIVE I cheated on my husband and left him for this man! I no longer know what’s up or down. Every word on this blog is me and my N. And I only wish I had read this 4 years ago, when I meet my N! I hate him. And want him to die! Me and my husband are back together and working on reconciling. I will never go back to the N. I think about my kids and what I did to them. And can’t believed acted so selfishly. I had no idea this kind of pain existed. I hate that I still think about him! I would give anything to have not meet him. He is truly evil.

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    1. Martha, you have to say your apologies and forgive yourself. Obviously your husband is trying to get past it and so must you. Your guilt will hold you back. It must be very hard to try and make it work with your husband but still be grieving this other man. Are you living with your husband? It would be especially difficult if you are because you have no private time to deal with all the emotions of the relationship with the N. I always recommend that people wait to get involved after the N but of course that isn’t as easy with your ex husband. Are you going to counselling alone? If you could find a counsellor who knows about N’s I think it would be a good idea to work through those emotions privately with a professional.
      Narcs love to steal a woman from her husband, it is the ultimate ego boost to them. Your husband is the real man, I hope and pray it works out for you.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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      1. I lived the last year with my N. My husband would not divorce me. He Said I had to pay for it and I could not afford it. The N told me he would pay for the DIVORSE. But never did. Then, blamed me every day for not being divorced. He would do any thing in the BEGINING to get me away from my husband. He said he did not care, just leave my husband and come live with him. He just wanted me with him. Over the last year my husband never spoke to me. Only a few texts and only about our children. But when things went wrong and my kids would hear and they would tell there dad. He would hear from my daughters I was not doing well. He would here all the crazy making things going on. My husband let me know he still loved me. He offered me another chance (the 4-5 one)! I could not believe He still wanted to reconcile. That was April. It took me till July to leave the N. The last day I spent with him he called me a whore, ( in one of his craze jelouse rages) in front of my daughter and her friend. The usual story he acused me of looking at a guy. It was the last straw. It’s one thing to verbaly abuse me. His abuse was becoming more and more out in front of my daughters. Just before I left the N, I discovered what he was on the internet and did some research. I tried to share with my husband. Not as an acuse for what I did, more as the reason why this happened to me, to us. My kids and my husband look at the N as the devil and this huge mistake I made. My husband told everyone I was lost. ( midlife crisis). We still love each other. I celebrated my 20 years anniversary w/ my husband before I meet the N. (and the last four years lost, like i was hypnotized by my N)! I am so ashamed of myself! And I know how lucky I am to have a man like my husband. And how lucky I am for his forgiveness. But I can’t forgive myself. I was a very strong compassionate caring person with strong values. This man turned me into someone I don’t know. He raped my soul! I understand EVERTHING about him now. All I ever was, was a game to him. All he cared about was winning. I blame myself for falling for him for letting him in my life! For cheating on my husband with the N. And you are right my husband is very real!!! I can’t stop blaming myself for letting this man ruin my life! ( I cant stop wanting the dream the N painted)! I feel as if I lost someone who died. I realize i can’t greive with my husband in the picture. I need to get help. The guilt I have, because I feel like a fool for falling in love with this man is crushing me. I almost lost everything. I sacrificed so much to be with the N.
        I want my marriage to work. But I Am so depresses and I know I am screwing this up. My husband read a lot of the stuff on narsassists also, and still say’s to me how could you of loved this man?

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  3. I’ve fallen for it three times from my mother, she KNOWS that I feel an obligation to her as her daughter especially in regards to HER loneliness and health, and that I value family connections for my boys — and she got me every time — I would respond with, “okay but this and this has to happen,” and one of the most hurtful things she said back was bluntly, “I will not respond to these unfounded accusations”. And her most consistent conversation ender that got ingrained into my brain was that I needed to go see my doctor because I needed (mental) help. The last time that I responded to her was when we moved out of the house she was “allowing” us to live in (and baiting me with) 4 months ago, she casually asked if we were done moving things (the neighbors told us the day before she had the cops come and open the lock so she could go through the house) — we weren’t quite done, but none of the remainder of stuff mattered MORE than emailing, “We are done” and ending contact right there. The last time SHE contacted me, was one month ago on my birthday. A letter with an “apology’ and desperation for me to join her team to help her get better, and telling me that my brother was hurting from all the family chaos and to answer my phone when he called (he never has). My husband said, “No, you are not going to fall for it again, it’s a trap, and you don’t need to feel like that again. And if your brother figured out what was going on, the least he could do is call and apologize for not listening to your pleas for help and for accusing you.”

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    1. Not alone,
      I stopped talking to my father 25 years ago. I was so sick of dealing with all the drama and every time I attended a family function it was so stressful. I told my brother I would not be attending functions at my dads any more and I was not talking to dad any more, I told him I didn’t expect him to stop seeing our dad, but it was something I needed to do for me and I hoped he understood but there was no way he was going to change my mind. I was doing it for my emotional well being. He was not happy but mostly because now he had to go to the family functions alone. It was such a sense of relief to know I never had to deal with his crap ever again, I never regretted it one little bit. On christmas eve when i knew my brother and my dad’s wife and her kids would all be walking on egg shells at my dads I am home alone and not the least bit stressed. My son was about 10 at the time and I told him that i was not going to be talking to grandpa any more but he could certainly see his grandpa. If he wanted to see grandpa he could call and arrange it himself. I said I would drop him off and pick him up but I was not going into the house. If my dad called to talk to my son I was polite and said, “Just one moment please I’ll get him” .
      About 1o years ago my brother said my dad needed a bone marrow transplant (my dad is always dying of something) and I said that if they wanted to test me I was willing. He seemed surprised. I told him, I love my dad and I don’t wish him dead; I just can not handle being in his company and dealing with his crap. You can care and not be in contact, you will never change them so you have to decide what you can live with and what you can’t and then deal with it. To think they will ever change is living in a fantasy world and setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment. What you can handle and what your brother can handle are probably very different and maybe your brother is thicker skinned or better at burying his feelings. You can only concern yourself with your feelings and if you don’t want to alienate your brother you have to accept he has a right to deal with his issues his way.
      I have maintained a good relationship with my brother and we have grown closer over the years, he respects that I did what I needed to do without expecting him to support me or follow suit, he deals with his demons to do with our dad his way.

      Hope this helps
      Carrie

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      1. my brother has already decided to believe my mom’s lies instead of my pleas for help. and he says the same things she does: you can’t bring the past to prove your points, you KNOW that . . . , you CAN’T do . . . , you know you always. . . . you’re being a child, etc. He lives four hours away and is consumed by his job and fiance. He has no idea what has been going on or what is real (he never saw her wing of the house consumed with garbage because she made it perfect before he visits, he never saw her on the computer entire days and halfway into the night) except for my word against my mom’s and he refused to talk to other people who volunteered to tell him what they had seen in my mom. the last time I talked to him he threatened to gather lawyers to fight for my mom and everything I put her through and taking advantage of her. I was so shocked, mainly because he would say that, but also because there was nothing to go to court over. I couldn’t talk. He proceeded to yell at me and swear at me. My husband tried and couldn’t get a word in. I had a panic attack that night. when I walked away from my mom, I walked away from my brother too.

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        1. Not alone, you can not make your brother see or accept what he refuses to see. Unfortunately if you want peace in your life you will have to distance yourself from him and the conflict. To continue to try and make him see your side is an exercise in futility. Unfortunately we don’t get to pick our family, it sounds like you have a very supportive loving husband and that makes you a very lucky lady.

          I understand wanting validation from your brother but you obviously are not going to get it, not right now anyway. Have you been to counselling over your experiences with your mother? If not it may help you deal with the anger and pain you pack from your youth and early adulthood.

          In order to be happy and enjoy your life you have to find a way to let it go and do what you need to do for yourself.

          I will say a prayer for you and your family

          Hugs
          Carrie

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          1. I know I write a lot at a time, but I am just beginning to connect these dots and this is just so overwhelming in a good way. My husband has been an awesome support, and yet he still doesn’t understand the damage done — my mom would hide her abuse from him even though we all lived in the same house which was the reason I put up the boundary that I couldn’t speak to her or address her questions unless he was there (she threw a fit, of course and kept pushing the boundary) — and he is very easy going and just doesn’t understand not being able to just let things go now that everything is ‘alright’. All he knew was that I wasn’t doing well, I needed to be well for our family, and we needed to get away from the situation or I would get worse. That meant so much to me even if he didn’t understand.

            I haven’t sought counseling yet, because I’m just now piecing all of this together. I’ve been physically away from her since last January (although she continued to spy on me at the house) and we left the house that she half owned in June (so we were still under her thumb up until then), that was my last email to her to tell her we were done moving, and I heard from her last in August on my birthday. I decided to go to the doctor to try to figure out all of my symptoms I was having. At this point I still didn’t know what was going on, I was still under Her projection on me that I was mental and I would need to be medicated for the rest of my life and I was afraid of having a heart attack like my dad did (I was having anxiety attacks and my heart, I could feel it in my heart), since I was out of my pregnancy and we had a new start it was the right time to seek help. I knew I was highly stressed and depressed and I knew that stress causes symptoms like mine but I had no connection to what was really happening — even though i knew she was the negative energy the last 3 years. At my Drs. appointment I said that I just wanted to make sure I was okay and I wanted to make sure that I didn’t need medication like my mom told me I needed. The nurse told me, “there is a big difference between having mental problems and being overwhelmed and a mom of 3. You are not crazy.” At that, I burst into tears then went on with the appointment (still I didn’t connect with the problem, just my symptoms). I got a plan of action to try to achieve more sleep and a followup appointment for a complete physical. I got home and emailed my Aunt (who has been tremendous through this whole thing but lives across the country) I joked, “I should have just told the doc that my mom has been trying to run me into the ground and telling me I’m crazy for the last 3 years and my family had to move away to escape from her.” (Ding! YES! I will do that next time, but still no REAL connection). That same evening (the eve of my father’s death) I started a search on pinterest for any quote that would express what I was feeling, and I ended up finding a quote from Narc-ology, i found the FB page and I piled through the posts and found your page, the more I read the more I identify with and the more I understand and I just keep eating up the information. I found definitions, descriptions, stories that matched mine perfectly. I shared your pages because people still don’t know what has happened to me or my family and I’m prepping for trying to explain to people who ask, but trying to stay off her radar. I feel so relieved. Now, I go through the day and I’ll think of something from my childhood where I say, Oh My Gosh, that’s what was happening — I’m connecting dots. I just keep searching for more and more — I am not who I was told I was, I am not who I thought I was, my dad was AMAZING and he protected me from her until his death,and he told me all the good things about myself that he desperately wanted me to hear over and over again. He knew, I know he did, but he didn’t tell me. I always knew something was not right and it’s all coming out, the reason WHY! I am so excited, I am so happy to have this information. It’s strange that over the whole time, I had touched on narcissism and my mom projecting herself onto me because I could see her doing these things to me, but overtime, just like everything else, it became MY problem as my mom told me — and no one else saw it or took it seriously, no one approached it with the weightiness that was needed, and I knew from experience when things were going to escalate and I would beg for help, but none came and it actually ended up turning against me because people would go to her and find truth in her lies. I needed someone to listen to me as if it were the weight of the world, because it is to me — and these pages, with all the familiar scenarios, i know that there are people who understand that.

            My plan of action with my doc is helping me gain more energy to function through the day, and the physical is needed because of my dad’s sudden death, so I am happy about this plan of action. But just because of my new found information, today was one of the happiest days in the last 5 years that I can remember — nothing big or eventful, it’s just that I felt happy — I felt happy. I know that deeper delving is required. I am just so excited right now, and I am equipped now, I don’t have to go into a counseling session and search for the reason why I’m there week after week, I can be there to do the work that needs to be done from the very start.

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            1. Not alone, you sound like you are taking a very proactive approach to your healing and have realistic expectations and that is very healthy. I am happy for you that you have found some clarity about your mother and I’m pleased to see your enthusiasm about learning more. It will be a difficult journey at times but a journey well worth taking and it sounds like you have the support of your husband which is very important.

              Is your brother younger or older than you?

              Since I have been on my healing journey I have become a lot more forgiving of my family members because when people are in a family with an abusive parent every thing is so dysfunctional and every one deals with it differently. I had a brother 9 years older than me and one 9 years younger than me and my parents were married 30 years. When my older brother stopped talking to my dad I didn’t understand why he was doing it, I was in my twenties and still in heavy denial. He died a few years later and I never did acknowledge the way my dad was, and then when I stopped talking to my dad my younger brother called me a flake. But now he acknowledges the abuse and says he has always admired the strength I showed by walking away. When I was with JC my mother disowned me because she could not understand why I stayed or went back. It has taken me a lot of years to understand why she couldn’t understand why I would stay. She stayed in an abusive relationship for 30 years, raised me in an abusive home and encouraged me to cater to my father and taught me how to walk on eggshells. But I have come to realize that she was under his influence herself and in her own denial.

              Raising a child in that environment is deadly for the kids for sure. Congratulations on taking the bull by the horns and taking control of your own happiness.
              Hugs
              Carrie
              PS don’t ever worry about your comments being lengthy or frequent; you never know who might be helped by your comments some day down the road and if you hadn’t noticed I tend to get a little wordy. 🙂

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              1. I give my dad credit for the strength that I feel right now. If it were not for everything he did I would not be so strong right now, I would not be here right now. I am so thankful for his presence in my life. It is very apparent to me that he knew what was going on because he was persistent and deliberate in research and truth — always. He continued to stay and protect me and cater to her need for supply to keep things calm at home or to buffer her aggression toward me (my brother was her pride and joy). He was so tired ( I see why now) but he shrugged it off and kept giving me those tools I needed: he gave me words, truth about myself, even people who he brought into my circle that he knew had similar situation with their mother. I’ve seen it all this week. I can remind myself of his words and block out hers and he never said a word without scriptural support (at the time it was very annoying, but now it is life to me.) He was an amazing minister and probably lost his last job (and the one before that actually) because of my mom (she would show her true colors and no matter how good he was, the people couldn’t accept her behavior and they thought it was a reflection on the kind of person HE was). And he just kept going. His presence in the community reached far beyond the church walls, into homes and real lives — I often thought, it was at the expense of his family, but I know different now. The biggest problem with his presence and likeability in the community is that my mom was with him everywhere, she could reflect him and she uses him even in death, and because of his death, to win people over and has a very large base of people to draw from who think that she is a great person because he was. People see her and they remember him.

                I am 3 years older than my brother. From birth to now, he was always “perfect” to her and no matter how hard I tried or how perfectly i did anything it was all wrong. The only thing I ever saw her question about him was when he brought his girlfriend (his first and only) home for the first time. Mom was visibly anxious the whole time and when they left she looked at me and said, “did you think that was weird? — I’m uncomfortable with her.” I, the introverted one, said, “um, actually I thought it was all really nice and comfortable.” (but now that I’m out of the picture, the fiance is perfect too) And his fiance helped advise my mom on getting lawyers and how to handle the housing situation when my mom said I was “taking advantage” of her and when other major problems were happening BECAUSE of my mom. In my last conversations with my brother, he was condescending, patronizing, he sounded like her: on my personality, on the things I wanted, on my husband and the life of simplicity that I’ve chosen and to him, mom was doing nothing wrong because she told him so. Based on that, he definitely looks down on me at this point. Basically, like you said, he thinks I’m a flake.

                kids don’t belong in these situations at all. Even though I was the target, my three boys were feeling the effects of it, momma being miserable and not functioning well. and grandma who ignored them until she needed their attention and then reprimanding them as if they were annoying her and taking her away from something she needed to do (sit on the computer ALL day and half way into the night,). They would ask her to come outside and play and she would wave them off and “in-a-sec” would never come or it would be five minutes of manic play, getting them riled up and playing really good & laughing, and all of a sudden she’d go back to her computer. Or she’d come over sit down long enough to get their attention then stand up and say, “I didn’t come to play, have to be somewhere,” and take off. It was good to get away, they were starting to realize what was going on. And now she complains about never getting to see her precious grandchildren, or how I never let her see them, how I kept them from her. They don’t even ask about her, and my youngest doesn’t remember her at all.

                Today was wonderful, I’m happy — overwhelmed with this wave of information and people who know what this is. There are still doubts that arise but this is freedom. I found freedom and I know that my freedom is OKAY!! Oh my goodness what a wonderful thing you are doing here. Thank you!

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