When I found out JC had moved in with another woman the thing that hit me hardest was; now he was lying to her. Crazy thinking I know but I had clung to those lies for so many years, they gave me hope, were the base for my wishful thinking; without those lies I had to face the truth.
The truth was ugly and I had been avoiding it with a vengeance for at least the last 2 years. The last few years I used to pray he would lie to me, tell me any feeble lie, just anything at all!! so I could lie to myself.
The nights he didn’t come home and didn’t answer his phone I didn’t pace the house any more, I didn’t fly into a rage, I was numb, I just prayed he’d tell me a lie. I had stopped snooping on his phone and lap top because I knew I wouldn’t leave no matter what I found and it only hurt. There was no point in me demanding to know where he was because he would just blame me somehow and he wouldn’t ever tell me the truth….I realized after he did tell me the truth how dependent I was on his lies to get by.
When he gleefully informed me he had moved in with a woman (the day after telling me he loved me) and she was everything I wasn’t, rational, easy to talk to, and he didn’t have to lie to her because she was so understanding and calm, I lost it. I begged him to not do this, I am not proud of it, I have never grovelled in my life but I grovelled, I pleaded, I sent text message one right after the other without a reply from him, I sent emails, one 14 pages long. I look back over my journals and can’t believe how pitiful I was, not an ounce of pride. I was naked, raw, reduced to a snivelling, whimpering shell of a woman and he was laughing, rubbing salt in my wounds, it would have been less painful if he’d kicked me in the guts with steel toes boots on. I felt like I was clinging to the cliff of my sanity and he was stepping on my fingers one by one and laughing.
At night I relived the day time horrors, dreaming of him with another woman, laughing, holding her and both of them laughing at me. I was so hurt I wanted to scream at him for being such a cold hearted bastard but then he called me his psycho ex and pointed his finger saying to the new woman, “See? she’s nuts, she a suicidal psycho bitch that held me hostage with her threats of suicide and manipulated me with guilt. I am so happy |I found you, YOU are rational, I can talk to YOU, YOU are so much better than her, YOU have given me the strength to leave her, YOU saved me from a life of hell.” OH how smug she was. Lending him her car to drive, her telling him how to deal with me, her doing his finances and controlling the money and helping him organize his life that I had screwed up. I often wonder how smug she is now. haha, not so smug any more I bet. Well I know she isn’t. I know what she is clinging to now, she is clinging to hope and his lies.
Every time he loses another job she is explaining to him that taking something that doesn’t belong to you is stealing and will get you fired. She is explaining to him that when he doesn’t come home at night she worries about him and he should call. She is crying and trying to explain why she was gutted to find that love letter to another woman. And she is clinging to his lies, praying he tells her a good enough lie that she can believe he has changed and will stop hurting her. She doesn’t deserve to be treated with such disrespect. He will tell her she is too hard on herself, she should be confident enough that him looking for other women doesn’t affect her moods. If she wasn’t so moody and sensitive he wouldn’t look else where.
It was easy to take the blame, it was easier than leaving, it was easier to believe unbelievable lies than to face the truth. I know what she is clinging to, I know what she is praying and hoping for. The only question is how long will she last? because he won’t leave on his own even if she demands him to leave but then one day there will b e a note and he will say he is gone, he can’t take her erratic behaviour any more or her warped views and he will always love her and doesn’t know how he will live without her but he must go. He won’t call for a few days and then he’ll show up at the door looking so sad and lonely, so sorry and he will cry and she will be so happy to see him and he will tell her all those wonderful lies that I heard so many times but are new to her and she will fall in love with him all over again and he will pack her into the bedroom and she will cling to him, his lies and hope.
eventually she will be me, grovelling, pleading with him to lie to her, just don’t leave but he will and then she will remember being smug and I will forgive her because she is no better than me, no worse than me, she is just another victim of wishful thinking.
I don’t miss the lies any more, I finally stopped wishing, and hoping but I do remember how good it felt. It was like an addict getting their fix, doubled over with pain and then the pusher sticks the needle in your arm and the relief washes over your body and you think as long as you can keep getting that fix you will be ok, its better than going through withdrawal. But as with any addict, eventually it doesn’t work any more.
As with any addiction, it may hurt in the beginning and it may be minute by minute day by day but once you have been away from it for awhile the urges lessen, your head gets clearer, you realize you were lying to yourself and you start living honestly. You know that there is no such thing as “doing just a little” or “I’lll just have one cigarette” you know that if you go any where near your drug you will fall right back into your old ways. You start to do healthy things to occupy your time, and after a while you remember how good healthy feels and you never want to go back again, but you will always remember how good that rush felt, even though you won’t go there again. It is ok to remember that rush because next time you will recognize it and know how addicting it can be and hopefully you will walk away.
I have quit drinking, and I have quit smoking (many times) quiting was never the problem, it was staying quit. There was always the temptation to “Just have a puff” or “Just call to see how he is doing” you can always come up with some reason you should call him, or text, some reason to just hear his voice. That is why no contact is so important. To be in contact is playing with fire, you WILL get burned.