Lying and Wishful Thinking

When I found out JC had moved in with another woman the thing that hit me hardest was; now he was lying to her. Crazy thinking I know but I had clung to those lies for so many years, they gave me hope, were the base for my wishful thinking; without those lies I had to face the truth.

The truth was ugly and I had been avoiding it with a vengeance for at least the last 2 years. The last few years I used to pray he would lie to me, tell me any feeble lie, just anything at all!! so I could lie to myself.

The nights he didn’t come home and didn’t answer his phone I didn’t pace the house any more, I didn’t fly into a rage, I was numb, I just prayed he’d tell me a lie. I had stopped snooping on his phone and lap top because I knew I wouldn’t leave no matter what I found and it only hurt. There was no point in me demanding to know where he was because he would just blame me somehow and he wouldn’t ever tell me the truth….I realized after he did tell me the truth how dependent I was on his lies to get by.

When he gleefully informed me he had moved in with a woman (the day after telling me he loved me) and she was everything I wasn’t, rational, easy to talk to, and he didn’t have to lie to her because she was so understanding and calm, I lost it. I begged him to not do this, I am not proud of it, I have never grovelled in my life but I grovelled, I pleaded, I sent text message one right after the other without a reply from him, I sent emails, one 14 pages long. I look back over my journals and can’t believe how pitiful I was, not an ounce of pride. I was naked, raw, reduced to a snivelling, whimpering shell of a woman and he was laughing, rubbing salt in my wounds, it would have been less painful if he’d kicked me in the guts with steel toes boots on. I felt like I was clinging to the cliff of my sanity and he was stepping on my fingers one by one and laughing.

At night I relived the day time horrors, dreaming of him with another woman, laughing, holding her and both of them laughing at me. I was so hurt I wanted to scream at him for being such a cold hearted bastard but then he called me his psycho ex and pointed his finger saying to the new woman, “See? she’s nuts, she a suicidal psycho bitch that held me hostage with her threats of suicide and manipulated me with guilt. I am so happy |I found you, YOU are rational, I can talk to YOU, YOU are so much better than her, YOU have given me the strength to leave her, YOU saved me from a life of hell.” OH how smug she was. Lending him her car to drive, her telling him how to deal with me, her doing his finances and controlling the money and helping him organize his life that I had screwed up. I often wonder how smug she is now. haha, not so smug any more I bet. Well I know she isn’t. I know what she is clinging to now, she is clinging to hope and his lies.

Every time he loses another job she is explaining to him that taking something that doesn’t belong to you is stealing and will get you fired. She is explaining to him that when he doesn’t come home at night she worries about him and he should call. She is crying and trying to explain why she was gutted to find that love letter to another woman. And she is clinging to his lies, praying he tells her a good enough lie that she can believe he has changed and will stop hurting her. She doesn’t deserve to be treated with such disrespect. He will tell her she is too hard on herself, she should be confident enough that him looking for other women doesn’t affect her moods. If she wasn’t so moody and sensitive he wouldn’t look else where.

It was easy to take the blame, it was easier than leaving, it was easier to believe unbelievable lies than to face the truth. I know what she is clinging to, I know what she is praying and hoping for. The only question is how long will she last? because he won’t leave on his own even if she demands him to leave but then one day there will b e a note and he will say he is gone, he can’t take her erratic behaviour any more or her warped views and he will always love her and doesn’t know how he will live without her but he must go. He won’t call for a few days and then he’ll show up at the door looking so sad and lonely, so sorry and he will cry and she will be so happy to see him and he will tell her all those wonderful lies that I heard so many times but are new to her and she will fall in love with him all over again and he will pack her into the bedroom and she will cling to him, his lies and hope.

eventually she will be me, grovelling, pleading with him to lie to her, just don’t leave but he will and then she will remember being smug and I will forgive her because she is no better than me, no worse than me, she is just another victim of wishful thinking.

I don’t miss the lies any more, I finally stopped wishing, and hoping but I do remember how good it felt. It was like an addict getting their fix, doubled over with pain and then the pusher sticks the needle in your arm and the relief washes over your body and you think as long as you can keep getting that fix you will be ok, its better than going through withdrawal. But as with any addict, eventually it doesn’t work any more.

As with any addiction, it may hurt in the beginning and it may be minute by minute day by day but once you have been away from it for awhile the urges lessen, your head gets clearer, you realize you were lying to yourself and you start living honestly. You know that there is no such thing as “doing just a little” or “I’lll  just have one cigarette” you know that if you go any where near your drug you will fall right back into your old ways. You start to do healthy things to occupy your time, and after a while you remember how good healthy feels and you never want to go  back again, but you will always remember how good that rush felt, even though you won’t go there again. It is ok to remember that rush because next time you will recognize it and know how addicting it can be and hopefully you will walk away.

I have quit drinking, and I have quit smoking (many times) quiting was never the problem, it was staying quit. There was always the temptation to “Just have a puff” or “Just call to see how he is doing” you can always come up with some reason you should call him, or text, some reason to just hear his voice. That is why no contact is so important. To be in contact is playing with fire, you WILL get burned.

 

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15 Replies to “Lying and Wishful Thinking”

  1. Wow! Again you are telling my story! It was like an addict going through withdrawal after a 20 yr addiction. I am now 4 yrs clean and sober from that jerk. He has been with this new woman almost that whole time and I am sure they had their laughs too, at my expense. And how she saved him, helped him get over what I had done to him. Its so funny how he told me some of the exact things you said, that he “can talk to HER” and that SHE laughs at his jokes. Oh…I bet she’s not laughing now. Sometimes I feel sorry for her, sometimes I hope she is a huge bitch and rakes him over the coals.

    You know what’s the best part? I can see these N assholes coming a mile away. I couldn’t see it before. I am apparently a magnet for them and they are so shoked when they can’t work their magic on me. I read in another post where you say that they keep prodding and pushing to see where your button is. It’s kind of fun to watch them so it when you know it’s going on. And then turn and walk away, never to look back. And before they have even got the first date they are calling me a crazy bitch….lol. Crazy like a fox. 🙂

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    1. Donna, I think there are alot of narcissists out there, I sure see alot of them now that I’ve slept with the devil.

      It is funny to meet an N and know before get even does anything that he’ll do or say next. It is simply amazing how they are all so much alike and use the exact same tactics. And they think they are so tricky. Haha

      Thanks fir commenting Donna , congratulations on 4 years away from the N!!
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. Wow Carrie! What an amazing post. I am seriously impressed! It reads like you dug deep to tell it honestly! I salute you! I admit sometimes, I have a mild urge to contact my ex-psycho, but mercifully after two years, its no longer a strong urge.

    I can’t say I’ve ever wanted to ask him how he was. My urges go more along the lines that OW is welcome to him with my blessings (I did at one time sent her an email saying exactly that!), and I’d gladly gift wrap him for her! That is if I could still stand touching his old, ugly, withered body! Yuck!

    Or, perhaps more realistically, I think the last time I really did contact him, I asked him to seriously consider committing suicide and make the world a better place without him in it! Of course, he didn’t do it. He loves himself too much which I guess gives him something in common with OW!

    He basically keeps a low-profile now, and has never hoovered me. He knows I’d likely rip him a new one if I had the chance! I’m meaner than crab grass you know! LOL. I think he really is scared of me. I can’t say why!

    Beg for his nasty ass back? That has never happened and never will no matter how deep my longing for or has been for him! I couldn’t bring me myself to do that! The D&D nearly destroyed me, but I’d never let him know that! I have never allowed him to see my pain! I never will either!

    Perhaps it’s still a little too soon for me after 2 years post D&D to get involved, I don’t know, but I have since met better, non-narcissistic, non-psychopathic men of integrity, decency and honor. I’m still gun-shy about letting any man get too close to me, but I still consider it an option one day.

    In the meantime, I’m happy to tend to my home, gardens, and family. It’s enough for now. Best of luck to you Carrie. We all deserve to be happy and have good things happen for us. That includes meeting normal, healthy men who will treat us with love, affection and respect.

    Big hugs and best wishes!

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    1. Missouriflower, thank you do much for your lovely comment.
      I regret begging and pleading but I forgive myself; if there is one thing i’ve learned through all of this it is to be kind and patient with myself. I am only human, with a human heart and feelings; as much as I hate that I fed his ego, I always spoke honestly and from my heart; something he will never do or understand. His loss. Her loss. My gain.
      Funny how that all worked out.

      Thanks for stopping by
      Hugs and happiness to you Linda
      Carrie

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      1. You are very wise to forgive yourself. You really shouldn’t beat yourself up for falling and staying with the jerk. You were targeted and he knew exactly how to get you and tap into your vulnerabilities. You are stronger and wiser now. That is always a good thing. Linda

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  3. Both – amazing post’s ……..
    Cheer’s ladies – We are an amazing group of ladies that unfortunately – live and learn and hopefully will come out of the black-hole the “devil” has put us in……and hopefully we will emerge a stronger person and regain our beautiful lives.

    My arsehole left me on my Birthday – already had his new girlfriend in place by then – they usually have a new dupe in place to provide the mummy, sex,
    the slave in the kitchen but is looking for a whore, but got the madonna at home – where they want them.
    Whilst they can go out and trawel for some new fish and come home with the “awful smirk” – “Like U know they are lyin” but can’nt exactly put your finger on it.

    I can actually laugh about this now because he is so…..preditable in every way…….saw his advert in the paper tonight – same advert with a different telephone number/s on it.The OW has has obviously put this advert in – he hasn’nt got the intelligence to do this.
    Think he is scared, of me, his wife, finding out about of the cash-work he has been doing and not reporting it to the tax.
    Know he would do cash-work for women – if they paid him in “kind”

    I’m in the process of diviorcing it – and I know it won’nt be easy – because they are so “mental” they can’nt relate to anybody….apart from there own pervertive, cruel selfs.

    I too in 2006 after finding out about an affair he was having – only been married 3 years pleaded and begged him to come back – and in 2009 again found he cheating again and pleaded with him again to come back.
    He did on his terms – which gave him more crediance to do it more.

    I have lost our mutual friends because of all the lies he has told……but I’m actually glad the OW has taken That thing out of my life. She can have the drama’s he creats, lying, and cheating, I actually think these people could have sex with anybody, men or women.

    Tried to hoover me and my children to tell me what a bad person I was and tried to spilt my family up. He did this to his ex-wife – she lost her daughter because of his lies.

    I too – take care of my garden and home and pet’s. The house is totally clean now without that predator in my life. I am trying to grow now in everyway and regain that person that I was, even at the age of 61.

    It’s a hard lesson to learn – The OW will learn it too – believe.

    God Bless to U All and Give U Strenght
    We have danced with the Devil –
    Be Strong……………

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    1. Sue, thank you for your comment. Maybe because we are older, or is it just being with the N taught us that we don’t need a man to be happy. I love my solitude, and am quite content to just “be” me in the safety of MY house.
      I could die tomorrow with no regrets or wishful thinking.
      Only a strong woman can survive an N and there is a special place in heaven for every single one of us beautiful women.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  4. How very true yet again. Even tho I am actually still going thru all of this it really does help… It reminds me even when he is jumping thru loops and bending backwards and promising he has totally changed this time… That he isn’t being “the real” him… He wants me because he’s got no job at the moment… Lol… The ‘real’ him is hateful, disrespectful of people ans things and just so completely opposite to the grovelling him… So thank you… Your helping me in the here and now…

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  5. Thank each of you for sharing your stories! You are helping more ppl than you know….. After 24 years of marriage, I filed for divorce. Just recently discovered the website for “N”s. We are both STILL living in the same house. Apparently, I have a lonnnnnng road ahead of me by the post I’m reading here. Any and all suggestions are welcome as this ‘new’ stage of life is entered….

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  6. I am still so very raw emotionally separating from my ‘N’. He was very sneaky… and had me completely fooled. We were together 7 years and have 2 girls together (6yrs. & 8 months) I sometimes wish to never speak to him again so I can heal faster but because of the girls I don’t have much of a choice. I lost the dream we were living… our home, car, my job that I ran from home. He took all of my money, neglected to pay any of our living expenses and spent our entire income on his addiction to pain pills. His addiction was only a distraction from all the other lies… cheating and using me. He was never physically abusive and not a name caller but I still felt like I could never be good enough for him because he was never happy. My feelings were numbed and shut off because it always seemed like it would only break him further. He kept losing jobs, slept from 3am-6pm everyday for more than a year. I thought it was depression until his mother told me he had taken her prescription from dental work. Now that we are on our own and he left me for another woman… he wants me back. Thanks Carrie for your blog.. its given me the strength to say no and learn what to expect from him in his grand scheme. You helped prepare me for the day he blamed me for our relationship ending… I knew it was coming just based on what you wrote about ‘N’s. I also knew that when things soured with his new relationship he’d want me back… now he’s trying to use that kids.. and how its not fair to them. We are doing our girls wrong.. we can get councilling. I had no debt when we started dating.. now I am about to declare bankruptcy. Never again. Lesson learned.

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    1. Michelle, thank God I was able to help you, every time I hear that sharing my story saved someone from making the same mistakes I did it makes it almost worthwhile, at least not a total loss anyway.

      I know its tough for you right now and the ex N can be so convincing, charming and appear so sincere; just be strong!! It is a shame you are having to claim bankruptcy but you can and will recuperate from that and your children will be so much better of being raised by a healthy confident mom who loves them than having to deal with a miserable, impossible to please father who screws around and treats their mom with disrespect. They may have to go for visits but they will always have a safe loving home to go home to. The long term effects of being raised by a narcissist can follow a person their whole life and require extensive counselling.

      You are a strong woman, I am proud of you!! If you need a shoulder you know where to find me 😉
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  7. Thank you for this post. It is hard to dig this deeply and then spill it for others to read. I can relate wholeheartedly and there is no better comparison for it but addiction. There is a song called the drug in me is you. No contact is the same as with any addicts drug. Stay away or it will suck you in and put you under.
    Thanks again.

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  8. Reblogged this on The Journey Through It and commented:
    So many truths in the raw words….. What a great post for me tonight, when my narc has moved on and my kids love her. I’m so certain he’s saying some of this to her.

    “eventually she will be me, grovelling, pleading with him to lie to her, just don’t leave but he will and then she will remember being smug and I will forgive her because she is no better than me, no worse than me, she is just another victim of wishful thinking.”

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