Mornings

image
best foot warmer
image
The lake

This is my typical morning view, I am sitting in my little cabin listening to my wind chimes being whipped into a frenzy by the wind. The sun is shining but the wind is cold, yet I am warm curled up on my couch with Laila snuggled up beside me with her head on my feet.

Every morning I wake up and feel blessed to be alive, even this morning, jobless; how could I not feel blessed to be alive?

Mornings haven’t always been so idyllic, it wasn’t long ago I woke and cried every morning.

JC used to scream at me,”Every fucking day its like this, every fucking day you cry. I am so fucking sick of you crying. Can’t you ever be thankful. You ruin every day with your bitching. I wake up in a good mood and then you get up and ruin my day with your nagging and crying.”

Of course if I mentioned WHY I was crying he would go into another tirade about how my happiness shouldn’t be dependent on his moods.

See the contradiction here? My mood ruined his day but his moods weren’t supposed to affect me in any way.

I didn’t realize what I was dealing with and understand now that Narcissists hate intimacy and once they have their victim firmly hooked they will avoid closeness at any cost.

You see when I met JC he couldn’t get enough of me; he would drag me off to the bedroom the minute I walked through the door and at night we would go to bed together and make love again. He liked to fall asleep with me on top and him still inside me, often waking up 1/2 way through through the night and making love again. I say making love because that is what I felt it was, it was far to intimate and intense to just be sex. We would wake up in the morning in the same position and, you guessed it: make love again. Even on the very odd occasion that we didn’t have sex I would fall asleep with my head on his chest, his arm around me, my hand cradling his head (because he had broken his neck years ago and I would massage his neck as we fell asleep) and wake up in the same position in the morning. Neither one of us would roll over in the night. We discussed the fact that neither one of us had ever slept like that with anyone before; with anyone else one or the other had rolled over at some point in the night.

During our “getting to know you” stage I had asked him if he had ever screwed around on any of the women he’d been with. He admitted that he had, once. He told me he had been with the woman something like 10 years and she had always accused him of cheating. He told me he had always been faithful, even though he had been a trucker at the time and had the opportunity, he had always remained faithful , but when he got home she would accuse him of cheating. He said it was destroying the relationship and that they weren’t even sleeping together any more. He was on the road alot but when he was home they hadn’t slept together for about 6 months when on one of his trips the boss’s niece needed a ride in the direction he was going and rode with him. One thing led to another and they ended up having sex. He had always called his girlfriend every night but that night he felt so guilty he couldn’t call.

When he got home his girlfriend was waiting for him and found evidence if a woman in the truck and all hell broke loose. He said he felt horrible and tried to make it work and never screwed around again but she couldn’t get over it; had an affair with his best friend and eventually it broke them up.

I had thought, surely she knew it was over if they hadn’t slept together for 6 months, and he said he had felt so guilty. (you know the lies we tell ourselves in order to justify their actions and assure ourselves that it won’t happen with US because we are “special”.

It didn’t happen overnight; it started slowly, with him coming to bed with me and then getting up once I was asleep and then he started coming to bed later and later. I talked to him about how I loved to fall asleep in his arms and he blamed it on the fact that he wasn’t working so just wasn’t tired at night. (I of course WAS tired because I WAS working.) He always made it to bed at some point and when he did we would always make love and fall back to sleep with him inside me.

When he got a job nothing changed, and over the course of years he came to bed later and later. The love making turned to sex, where he came to bed, pulled me on top of him and got his rocks off without so much as giving me a kiss. By this time I had discovered his addiction to porn and personal ads. I often felt like I was nothing more than a physical release after watching hours of porn, I could have been a blow up doll for the amount of forplay he put into having sex. I ended up buying lube, a mistake because then forplay consisted of, “Where’d you put the lube?”

I never turned him down, I always wanted to make love to him but I missed our love making, the closeness we once shared. He would promise to “be there in 5 minutes” when I went to bed, then I would wake up to find the bed empty beside me; it was obvious he hadn’t been to bed at all that night.

I would get up and find him asleep at his computer, I even found him asleep on the toilet; one time he was so tired he fell asleep half way up the stairs Standing!! He avoided coming to bed at all costs.

You know what I was thinking right? Porn, personal ads, not coming to bed…….it was over and he just wasn’t telling me. Yet any time I talked to him about it he said I was being too sensitive,  he was working too much, not working, working on my truck all night, didn’t want to come to bed because I was nagging him, then he didn’t want to come to bed because I never asked him to come to bed. It tore me apart.

On top of it he was growing more critical every day, it was as if me breathing his air was pissing him off.

Finally I left him. Of course as soon as we split he was so sorry he hadn’t slept with me, he made love to me with even more intensity and we got back together. We did this dance many times. Until the last time when he came and begged me back and asked me to marry him etc.

This time, after we had been back together about a year he even stopped coming to bed at all and if he did he would keep his clothes on and sleep on top of the covers. If we did have sex he would undo his zipper, not even take his jeans off.

I am not proud of the fact that I never said no. I loved him so much, I kept hoping this time would be different.

So yes, that last year I woke up and cried most days. Occasionally he would come to bed and make love to me, but I couldn’t even enjoy those times because I knew that if he made love to me he wouldn’t come home from work the next night.

It took 10 years but he eventually destroyed my confidence sexually, eventually he turned me off of sex completely. And I knew exactly the hell his ex had gone through for 10 years and why she had made it her life purpose to inform every woman he got involved with what he was like. She became a severe alcoholic that drank herself to death, bitter, and alone, broken.

I vowed I would not let him break me like he broke her. I would not give him the satisfaction of thinking he destroyed me so deeply I could never be with another man.

Fyi to James, I don’t wake up crying any more. I don’t hate men, in fact you have made almost every other man on the planet look good!! You did. Not. Break. Me!! Your inability to be intimate and loving did not destroy my ability to be intimate and loving; if anything it has made me value that quality in others even more.

You are the anomaly, healthy people need closeness and enjoy intimacy and cherish it when they find someone they can be close with. You are the one lacking James, but you know that don’t you? Misery loves company and you tried to make me as miserable as you. You hated the fact that I could bare my soul to you, that I could be that vulnerable, you saw it as a weakness and punished me for allowing you to get that close. You felt I deserved the rejection, I was so stupid to love you that much. How sad for you James. You are not that powerful, I am so much stronger than you. It takes alot of strength to be that vulnerable.

So now I get up in the morning and I thank God for my life and the beautiful world around me, my puppies, the lake and the fact that I can feel, because life doesn’t have to feel bad, life can feel intensely good. But you will never know that James.

I haven’t shed a tear in his honor for longer than I can remember.

Advertisements

25 Replies to “Mornings”

    1. Andy, yes he was a monster behind closed doors. No one would have believed me had I told them what it was like when it was just him and I. It was literally like a switch went off, the minute we got in the vehicle to leave, or company left or we walked in the door. His whole appearance changed. He was evil.
      Yes, I can’t tell you how good it feels to not have to concern myself with his antics any more.

      Like

  1. With a few minor details he sounds so much like my ex. It’s really hard to get over these guys because they can be so charming for awhile. It takes time and work but it can be done (or so I’ve been told). Hang in there and enjoy the terrific view you have.

    Like

    1. KL, Thank you, I am enjoying my lake immensely!!
      As much as I think I will always carry scars from my time with JC and they may hinder me in some areas I have come away from the whole ordeal with a new found appreciation for all the blessings in my life. I guess when you are stripped of everything and have to build yourself back up you don’t take anything for granted and are grateful for the smallest of blessings or the any kindness shown you.

      I don’t think you ever truly “get over” an N, you just have to learn from it, carry on and not let them ruin the rest of your life.

      Thanks for stopping by.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  2. I would agree that the sex was nice in the beginning, but I wanted it less and less the more and more his mask slipped. There was no appeal to me. I turned into a hideous and grotesque version of himself.

    I remember a few weeks before I finally left, I was in the bedroom one Saturday afternoon reading. He came in and wanted sex that second. I was reading and not exactly in the mood. Plus, my son was in the next room. I finally put down the book and said okay. He looked at me and said, “You just want to use me for sex. You are disgusting! I am not a toy!” And he walked off. I was left scratching my head for a second. The next second, I reached over, grabbed my book and continued reading all the while knowing I would be long gone from the madness within a few weeks.

    Honestly! Everything he shouted at me in that moment was how he viewed me, nothow I thought of him. I accept that now. I embrace it. I’m at peace with knowing I discarded a true jackass from my life and my son’s life. 🙂

    Like

      1. Like I said I never said no to sex even though I didn’t respect myself for it. Alot of times it was just easier to go along with it because he wouldn’t leave me alone until I did give in. But as more and more infidelity surfaced I withdrew and I removed myself from the situation. I might as well have been a blow up doll, I had about as many feelings.

        One time we were fighting ( as per usual ) and he said he might not have to screw around if I ever gave him oral sex. Then he stormed out of the house with me hot behind him. He got on the excavator and started it up thinking I wouldn’t be able to yell over the sound. Ordinarily I would have walked away but this time I was so angry I just screamed louder.
        “Maybe I would be more inclined to put your cock in my mouth if I knew where the fuck its been!!” Half way through my tirade he shut the excavator off. I looked around and the neighbors were all looking at me with their mouths hanging open. I curtsied and went back in the house.
        I can laugh now, but I was mortified at the time.

        Like

  3. This sounds so much like all 3 of my ex’s, with a little twirking here and there. I am now on no. 4 for 21 years (his first) and he adopted my kids from my first marriage. I didn’t think I would get out of the first marriage alive.

    Like

    1. Shauna thank you for sharing that! It gives us all hope that there is a good guy out there.
      I am always so hhappy to hear someone left one of these bottom feeders and went on to live a happy life.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  4. If I may ask, what was the final straw? How many times did you leave before you didn’t come back? I ask this because I am with a terrible man. Nothing like I have ever seen before, in my life. It’s like living in an Alfred Hitchcock movie, on a daily basis. I have left him many times. He pleads…I come back. Within the week…he asks me to get the f***out and wishes I had not come back. I don’t understand..for even myself..why I keep coming back. I’m praying that something inside me just clicks one day and makes me leave for good. Soooooo…just wondering what was your last straw.
    Thanks

    Like

    1. Ann, I never would have left him for good if he hadn’t found someone else. If you hang in long enough yours will find another woman also. I don’t advise you to wait that long though because by that time you will be so depleted of all resources it will almost kill you and they are so cruel.

      I wish to God I would have cut all ties years ago one of the many times we split. No contact is the only way with these assholes. If you give them any opening at all they will work on you and you will weaken.

      I used to think he must love me or why would he keep begging me back. IT IS NOT LOVE!!
      He is toying with you, he disgusted that you are do weak that you would go back to him. They will promise the moon to get you back, its an ego trip for them to be able to treat you like dirt, toss you aside and then get you back. But every time you go back they lose more respect for you. They think love is a weakness and they despise weakness. Any show of weakness is deserving of punishment in their eyes. Eventually he will just loath you and hate you for lloving him and he will treat you so horribly you will have to leave or die.
      You will have to leave one day one way or another. He will give you no choice. You are far better off to leave and save yourself now!!

      You can do it!! IT IS A LIFE AND DEATH DECISION!!
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  5. Mine cheated on me throughout our marriage – jobbing builder….doing “odd” jobs for women. Used to come into the house with a sly smirk on his face when I knew he was getting away with yet another lie, or “lay”. Discovered lots of friends with benefits on his telephone bills – used to drive me insane.
    Introduced me to him dressing up as a woman in sex…and wearing my underwear…wanted me to dress up as a man?? What the hell is this about. Never in my life I have experienced that…..red flags that I chose to ingore…..OMG.
    Felt degraded……when I wanted sex he said – too tired, or turn me on…..all about the monster……never about me. ………..or Us as a couple……
    Oh how I hate him………
    At the end I felt like a blow up doll for him to use….alway’s wanted anal and I won’nt do that.
    He’s moved on now…..thank God to another dupe who will put up with him puttin her knickers on. Told me he has got the woman he wanted and they are very happy together..
    She looks after him…………………
    Until the next dupe – a friend with benefits………..
    In the processing of divorcing “It”
    Move on ladies – U are better than this piece of useless sh..t.
    I know it’s hard….he chose to leave me on my Birthday….typical pyhco…..Cruel, Evil.
    I am more at peace with myself now – at least I don’nt have to put up with antics, lying, cheating, drama queen in my life.
    Bless U All

    Like

    1. Sue, thanks for sharing that, these creeps have some really weird sexual fettishes. In fact I think if we knew what they are thinking most of the time we would be horrified. They are very sick and warped.
      Congratulations on being N free! Once a person can break that tie and get free of their control we realize exactly how much drama and chaos they cause. I appreciate my life more than words can say.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  6. I, too, have recently moved on after being verbally and emotionally abused by a narcissist for thirty-nine (39) years. It was hard to make the move and have a lawyer file my petition for divorce. It was the best thing that had done for myself in almost four decades. I am alive, well, and free!

    Like

  7. Again, they all sounds so damn similar…it is amazing. The last year of our relationship, I cried daily. Often I tried to hide it from him…I would go into the bathroom, close the door and try to cry quietly. He hate me for crying. Even when I didn’t do it in front if him..if he knew I was doing everything I could to not show him how detroyed I was…he would call me out on it. In the beginning, the first few times he saw me cry, he acted like it hurt him to see me upset. When his true colors really started to shine, he told me “there is no crying in this house”…and made me feel very very shitty for ever having any feeling at all about anything.

    I came here for two reasons today.

    1-I get occasional feeds from this site. All of you are very much in my mind and I am still pretty broken, but I am really trying to not have the constant thoughts repeating themselves in my head of everything that has happened. I still need this place and all of you, without question. In the feeds, I noticed something about you, Carrie, losing your job. I am sorry to say I don’t know exactly what happened…but I wanted to tell you how very sorry I am. I know you were very happy for the job, but I have to say that you seem to be in pretty good spirits. I know something better will come along…the right, best things for you. Nobody deserves it more!!
    2-I have been working on my dogwalking business. Haven’t fully started. but did get my business name registered with the county and ordered some business cards. lots more to do. Also- I went last weekend to the shelter when I saw a noticed posted about all of the dogs that were going to be euthanized this past monday. I went with a friend and we rescued to that would have been otherwise put down. Sweet dogs…our goal is to find them happy happy homes. One of them we were not able to take home until thursday. She is getting spayed beofre we take her. There is a possibility that I may be able to keep her myself. I don’t want to get too excited because I dont know exactly what she will be like when she is away from the shelter, but my family said I can keep her at their house if she gets along with their dogs until I can move out into a place of my own. Their dogs are not very friendly….so this is why I dont want to get too excited. Anyway, with all of the positive that is potentially happening, I cried last night. I didn’t know why I got upset, but I should have know. I can always feel when my ex N is going to contact me. Sure enough, he texts me today asking me “how am I?” and “how do i like the new season ?”(of a show we used to watch) and “Im looking after so and so’s dog this weekend” (someone who used to be a mutual friend). I do fairly well not to respond to his attempts at contact, but I have to admit…it does throw me off. If I give myself even a little bit of opportunity to really think about it, I will go straight down the rabbit hole. I am doing my best not too. It just makes me want to scream that this is the man that said Ii made his life hell, made him suicidal and basically made me out to be the most horrible person on earth. Iif someone made me that miserable, I would try to contact them or communicate with them in anyway. Oh wait…THAT’S why I dont try to contact or respond to HIM. I just needed to vent. Sorry for the long comment. Just needed to be amongst understanding friends for a bit.

    Like

      1. I meant I would NOT try to contact them. Geesh. I am out of commenting practice! Next time I will read my writing before I press submit.

        Like

        1. LOL Twisted we KNOW you know how to type!

          Glad to hear you are going ahead with the doggie care biz. And OMG rescuing all those dogs! What a kind, unselfish thing that is to do! But that is YOU. 🙂 I hope they give you some happiness, you so deserve it.

          I don’t know WHY really they continue to contact us. I think part of it is that they REALLY do not realize how horrible they treated us and that they think so highly of themselves that they can not concieve anyone NOT wanting to have contact with them of their own accord. we’re either in a bad mood or still a little angry and some day we will get over it. Cuz in their heads we WILL always love them, they can’t concieve of anything else. And, in a strange twisted way, they are RIGHT. We will always love, I think, the person we fell in love with, even though that person, we learned , was a sham, didn’t really exist.

          I, too. read here daily, several times a day. I need to, it keeps me straight somehow. Stronger than I would be without this place. And yes, everyone that comes here. they have become like friends, family. Brought together , bonded by mutual experience.

          I personally can’t wait to hear more about the doggies you rescue. Please post some pictures. Ya never know, perhaps one if us is in need of a new companion or perhaps we might just want to help out, someway.

          keep us posted!
          lots of hugs

          Ellie

          Like

      2. Twisted! No worries, I don’t know how you guys make sense of some of my posts sometimes there are so many auto corrects that are wrong and typos.
        Usually we are all on the same page and can fill in the blanks if need be.
        🙂

        Like

    1. Twistedheart, thank you so much for your kind words! I am glad you are still finding strength from this site even if we don’t always see you here.

      I am so happy for you and your budding business! I pray everything falls into place easily for you. Rescuing dogs is such a good cause and SO up your alley!!

      As for your ex contacting you, I remember you being so upset because he wasn’t hoovering you like alot of the other N’s were doing. He is doing what JC used to do and I was too weak to not reply. You are strong! and yes of course even if you don’t respond just hearing from him can put you into a bit of a tail spin. It hasn’t been that long and you are still healing from a horrible deception and cruel treatment. You will get past it!. Just keep doing what you are doing! I have no right to be proud but I am very proud of you!! You have come so far!! My God! Do you see how far you’ve come?? You have every reason to be feeling very proud of yourself!!.

      All on your own you are pulling this all together, you go girl!!

      As for me and my job; I am trying to stay positive. I have to remind myself that things happen for a reason and I was growing very unhappy there. Not able to have my dogs with me when it wasn’t a problem when I was hired, there was alot of back stabbing going on there. I saw people talking behind other peoples backs so I knew they would be talking behind my back also.
      They fired people on a whim and everyone was afraid for their job so were always pointing out other peoples mistakes etc. To be perfectly honest it has the worse staff morale of any place I’ve worked. I tried to just stear clear of all the drama but I hate conflict and like to deal with issues straight up, I don’t talk behind peoples backs and I don’t bitch about people unless its serious and then I will tell them to their face.

      They are being really good, buying me a truck and all, I jumped the gun getting rid of mine I suppose. But like one of the managers said, “Hopefully working for them got me through the slow season and into my little cottage”. Which it did, so for that I am grateful.

      I have found a truck I want, but its hard to pull the deal together when I don’t have wheels nor the money and no one else seems to understand the urgency of the situation. I have customers who need pick ups and that is my main frustration right now.

      I have a friend who has a pick up who said I could use it, so I gave him $60 to put a 3 day permit on it. My neighbor has a flat deck trailer he said I could borrow so I paid him $60 to insure it. I thought at least I could keep my customers happy but the guy with the truck never showed up yesterday and I have no idea where he’s gone or what’s going on. He is actually the son of a friend of mine but I trusted him to not let me down. Now it looks like I threw away $120.

      That kind of thing frustrates me and makes me angry but I am trying to think positive and go with the flow; its all i can do.

      If I can get the truck and get to work I will be ok.

      Thanks for stopping by! So good to see you!!
      Big hugs
      Carrie

      Like

      1. I am so sorry that the work environment became so ugly. I know how excited you were when you first began. I do understand how hard it can be when staff morale is so low. The last job I had was just like that and made me miserable…even if I tried to start each day with a positive attitude.

        It has to be very frustrating to know that you have business, but do not have the equipment needed to get the job done. The good news is that you DO have customers…and I know the truck situation will work itself out. I don’t blame you fro being frustrated and angry , but just remember what you have been through….you are a survivor and you will thrive 🙂

        As for my ex..he doesn’t hoover me. He only contacts me once in a blue moon. The last few times it was a voice message and text to tell me about the dogs. I know he was just bored yesterday and that the woman was at work and he wanted to make sure he stays in my head. He isn’t going to try to get me back or any of that. I still kind of wish he would. I would love to see him put that effort forth like a fool so that I could ignore it. I find my coping mechanism these days is to look at everything that happened like it was a whole different life…like a bad dream. Of course, I can only do that if I try not to think about it too much…and of course-If I stay NO contact. I think it’s safe to say that if I opened myself up to communicating with him in any way…It would be disastrous. All of my old feelings of hurting would come back and I could see where he could fool me into remembering the man I met instead of the man he actually is. It’s too dangerous. But really, the text yesterday was such a casual message as if he is just checking in with a buddy. Did we part as friends with a mutual respect for each other and I just forgot about it? That man is not my friend and never was. What a twisted web they weave.

        Ok…I am off to pick up the second pup form the shelter. I hope all went well with her spay and that she can adjust easily to life outside the shelter. I think she just might 🙂

        Like

        1. Good luck with the puppy!! I am sure she will be fine out of the shelter and with you. Someone who will love and care for her. Anytime I have rescued a dog from a shelter they have been very loyal and loving pets; just happy to be loved anxious cared for.

          I just got news that the truck will be mine at 4 today. As it turns out C is largely responsible for it coming together.

          Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s