I Am Not Dealing Well

I am sitting here frozen. Reminiscent of when James would rip my heart out and blame me for it. You know when your whole world seems to come crashing down around you and you just can’t cope, can’t think clearly enough to make sense of your thoughts.  I can’t drive right now, I can’t make myself move. I am shaking so bad I can barely type and I know I should be doing something.

What the hell am I babbling about? Please, if I tell you; no one tell me I told you so; no one get mad at me or tell me what I “should” have done or that I’ve let you down. Because I am feeling very fragile right now.

As you all know I lost my job. Colin, (the guy from work who I was seeing and found with another woman) has been extremely supportive and helpful throughout the whole time. When I found a truck I had him check it out, he thought it was a great find. He talked to management and got them to agree. They didn’t want to spend that much so he personally signed for $1500 of the debt.

He built a dog kennel for my house, he was just an all round nice guy. He kept making sure I knew he wasn’t seeing anyone else. And well, I started to relax and we become intimate. It took alot for me to get there and we talked alot about where I was coming from, his feelings. We didn’t say I love you but I felt there was a relationship growing.

Anyway, I got my truck on Friday and by the time I paid the sales tax on it I couldn’t afford to insure it so got a two day permit so I could work and make money for insurance.

Colin worked on it until late Friday night and came home with me. I drove him back to work Saturday morning and went to work myself. I made enough to get another permit and a few groceries.

Saturday I wanted him to take the afternoon off and come back to the lake with me but he worked on my truck until almost midnight and said I had to come back Sunday for hIm to finish.

My grandma’s memorial was Sunday up at Cultus Lake and when I went to leave my truck wouldn’t start. I did what I could but couldn’t get it started. My mom gave me her car to drive home. I had a key for Colin’s so seeing as it was early I thought maybe he would ride back to the lake with me; I knew he could get it going in 5 minutes.

I let myself in, yelling “Hello!?” as I walked through the door and saw the same woman he had there before standing there.

I called him a Fucking bastard and handed her the house key and left.

I know I am not in love with him, its the lying and the effort he put into breaking down my barriers that hurt.

I will get over it/him but now I have $15 to my name and my truck is broken down and I have no one to help me.

I have been trying to remain positive since I lost my job but you know? I am tired. I haven’t had any breaks from the stress.

I never should have dated him.  Its not that I need a man, its that it was nice to have a man to care and be helpful. I enjoy sex with the right man.

That’s all I have to say. I am just very sad today and I don’t know how I am going yo pull it all together.

I am sure I will find the strength somewhere

Hugs to you all.
not much of an inspiration now am I?
Carrie

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32 Replies to “I Am Not Dealing Well”

  1. He’s a jerk, Carrie ( amended from my post that wouldn’t post because of what I called him I guess x smile x ) So many of them around these days, N’s abound and they find US. Probably because we all are so good hearted. You give ppl chances , that’s what you do 🙂 It’s YOU. You don;t condemn or judge. You are like that with all of us here, how could you NOT be that way with someone close inm your life? he knew your story, you are soooo honest about it and you became great supply. IF he could fool YOU , after all you’ve been thru, he must really be good huh? I know the lies hurt, lies always do. Especially since you probably told him how much honesty meant to you ( after JC ).

    I know how the ” freeze” feels , that cold knawing feeling where you are too hurt to move, breathe even. It’s not fair. But at least you found out early into it. If that is any comfort. Before you were too far down the road to Narcville. Just come on back up , brush yourself off and let us help you. Like you’ve helped us. We love you. 🙂 We’re here for you. Whatever you need whenever you need it.

    Hugs,
    Ellie

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  2. Carrie,
    You still are an inspiration! Each day that you put one front of the other you grow stronger.

    You did nothing wrong. You trusted another person and it’s a good thing. He is the one that did wrong and it’s a reflection of him not you

    Keep moving forward! Sometimes it’s just an inch and not a mile.

    Keep up the good work! Hugs

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  3. I am so sorry to hear your story and I recognize it as it is similar to my own.I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and I recognize your pain. Your shaking, your feeling you pain is such a sign of moving through. We ignore our pain for so long, and then when it shows up it is so large…
    .
    I chose to stay in a abuse most of my 52 years on the planet and am now free and healed. I now call that phase of abuse in my life being asleep. I am awake now, and I wrote a book with the intent to awaken all women (all people) so that they might live free. I feel that a book that takes someone from asleep to awake did not exist before, and the way it is written allows the reader to see where they are. You seem to be waking. The book is called “Me and My Shadow” move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom and was just published in March and I am trying to get it to anyone that needs it, would get it, and perhaps can help save others by spreading the word as you are doing through your blog. My hope is that as many people as possible can learn this guide to healing and freedom exists. (You can find it on Amazon.com)

    Today is the first time I searched for blogs on the topic and I am not very techie, so I don’t know if this is the appropriate place to send a message.

    I am on a truly and completely on a mission to awaken everyone and stop all abuse in the world. I wish you healing and love. I pray if you choose to check out my book, it changes your life. You are not alone.

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