I am sitting here frozen. Reminiscent of when James would rip my heart out and blame me for it. You know when your whole world seems to come crashing down around you and you just can’t cope, can’t think clearly enough to make sense of your thoughts. I can’t drive right now, I can’t make myself move. I am shaking so bad I can barely type and I know I should be doing something.
What the hell am I babbling about? Please, if I tell you; no one tell me I told you so; no one get mad at me or tell me what I “should” have done or that I’ve let you down. Because I am feeling very fragile right now.
As you all know I lost my job. Colin, (the guy from work who I was seeing and found with another woman) has been extremely supportive and helpful throughout the whole time. When I found a truck I had him check it out, he thought it was a great find. He talked to management and got them to agree. They didn’t want to spend that much so he personally signed for $1500 of the debt.
He built a dog kennel for my house, he was just an all round nice guy. He kept making sure I knew he wasn’t seeing anyone else. And well, I started to relax and we become intimate. It took alot for me to get there and we talked alot about where I was coming from, his feelings. We didn’t say I love you but I felt there was a relationship growing.
Anyway, I got my truck on Friday and by the time I paid the sales tax on it I couldn’t afford to insure it so got a two day permit so I could work and make money for insurance.
Colin worked on it until late Friday night and came home with me. I drove him back to work Saturday morning and went to work myself. I made enough to get another permit and a few groceries.
Saturday I wanted him to take the afternoon off and come back to the lake with me but he worked on my truck until almost midnight and said I had to come back Sunday for hIm to finish.
My grandma’s memorial was Sunday up at Cultus Lake and when I went to leave my truck wouldn’t start. I did what I could but couldn’t get it started. My mom gave me her car to drive home. I had a key for Colin’s so seeing as it was early I thought maybe he would ride back to the lake with me; I knew he could get it going in 5 minutes.
I let myself in, yelling “Hello!?” as I walked through the door and saw the same woman he had there before standing there.
I called him a Fucking bastard and handed her the house key and left.
I know I am not in love with him, its the lying and the effort he put into breaking down my barriers that hurt.
I will get over it/him but now I have $15 to my name and my truck is broken down and I have no one to help me.
I have been trying to remain positive since I lost my job but you know? I am tired. I haven’t had any breaks from the stress.
I never should have dated him. Its not that I need a man, its that it was nice to have a man to care and be helpful. I enjoy sex with the right man.
That’s all I have to say. I am just very sad today and I don’t know how I am going yo pull it all together.
I am sure I will find the strength somewhere
Hugs to you all.
not much of an inspiration now am I?