Quote From My Journal

Monday November 8th 2009.

“I guess deep down I’m afraid of the truth and I know it without asking. It’s killing alot of my love for him; or maybe loving him so much has killed a part of me.”

June 1, 2013
When I wrote that my truck was running, I had a solid customer base, I was making good money and I had options.

A year later when he told me HE couldn’t take it any more and didn’t love me enough to tolerate “this” I had nothing. He said I could stay because he didn’t want to see me on the streets; what a nice guy!

So I left, with enough fuel to get to my girlfriend’s, $5 and 1/2 a pack of smokes, 1/2 my customers and a truck that was just limping and broke down a week later. But most importantly, that extra year of being with him killed my will to live, to fight.

A month after leaving him I attempted suicide and obviously failed; I fought the urge to end it all for months. Then in March I found out he had moved in with another woman, I was devastated; he told me to kill myself because no man would ever want a psycho bitch like me and I had made his life hell for 10 years. He had met the love of his life, she wasn’t anything like me. She was calm, rational, and he didn’t have to lie to her. (they had known each other 6 weeks and he’d found the love of his life a month before that and told me he still loved me the night before)

I got off the phone and sat for two days with a bottle of pills in my hands. That’s when something, somewhere deep inside me; a little piece of the old me, that had been buried in the darkness and pain, stirred.

I didn’t trust myself to not try suicide again and I didn’t have a support system.

That is when I decided to start this blog; I figured if I was going to try to heal myself I had to be accountable to someone and I needed to know I wasn’t alone.

April 2010 I had one visitor. I kept posting, crying out to the universe.

So many times I read the comments of women who visit here and I break down sobbing because I know the pain they are in. There are no words to adequately describe that kind of immobolizing pain. I look back on that time and its like an out of body experience. I see myself sitting on the couch, for hours, breathing was too much effort, my mind numbed with so much pain I couldn’t watch TV or read. I resented letting Kato out for a pee.
Life has been hard the last two years; really hard. I imagine I have had PTSD, I had a heart attack about a year after I left, I basically had to give my truck away JC had done so much damage to it. ( the young guy that got it took 6 months to get it running and God knows how much money)

I have lived in conditions no person should have to live in and thought it would kill me. I have gotten and lost a job and right now have a broken down truck and rent is due and I am still $150 short.

I am scared, I can’t lose this cabin, I can’t move again; a door has to open up, God must have a plan. I will change professions, he just has to lead me where he wants me to go.

I just want to say thank you to all the people who donated to my cause, more than the money it was the show of faith in me and support that meant the most. I am so terribly grateful for every single person who comes here, because whether you know it or not, you keep me going. Every time someone says I made a difference in their life. Every time I happen to say the right thing that resonates with someone, every time some one says Thank you for being here, or I inspire them to carry on; my strength is rejuvenated and I have the courage to continue struggling.

Just so you know; this is not one sided, I get back as much as I give.

My whole adult life I have tried to figure out my purpose for being on this earth.  There have been times I have thought being Kris’s mom was purpose enough, or running a daycare, or being step mom to 4 great kids, but there was still this little voice telling me I had a greater purpose for being here.

I thought for awhile it was to be an advocate for the impoverished, but it just didn’t come together.
I want to leave this earth better for me being here. I’ve wanted to change the world just a little bit for the better, change people’s views.

Not everyone feels like that, not everyone hears that little voice and that is their life. I know my mom looked at me like I was crazy when I asked her if she ever wondered what her purpose was for being here.

No matter what happens in my life I feel I have found my purpose. Discussing abuse, domestic violence and my experiences doesn’t bring me down or depress me. When I talk about it here or out in “the real world” I feel energized, knowing I am helping people understand domestic abuse, or leave an abusive relationship.

I just felt the need to share that; I don’t even know why. But I want you all to know I love you and knowing you has enriched my life more than any of you could know.

So have a great day!

Love and hugs
Carrie

Posted by Carrie Reimer the Lady WithaTruck

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15 Replies to “Quote From My Journal”

    1. suburbanprincess, I don’t plan on giving up, I am curious how it all turns out in the end. I hate leaving the theatre before the eed no matter how scarey it is; I want to see if the bad guy gets it and goodness prevails!
      thanks for commenting princess!
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  1. Carrie, astonishing. I did not know you started from such a place. What I mean is, you started your blog following suicide attempt (like me). I think too, even though you continue to have challenges – I think you are okay being alive. Well, me too.

    What he said to you, to kill yourself & no-one would want a psycho bitch like you – all that shit is so so damaging, devastating. You CAN do it, Carrie, you CAN bring yourself right up from that place, and we love reading as you do that. You are so above and beyond, it is magnificent.

    Purpose: yes, it changes your whole world.

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    1. Noeleen, you are so sweet, always so encouraging. I would imagine so because you have had to over coming huge hurdles yourself and now with a book to attest to your strength.
      As soon as I have any extra money I am buying your book.
      James Diary – what a coincidence. and from what I gather he was a narcissist. can’t wait to read it.
      Love and hugs to you
      Carrie

      Like

      1. Thank you, Carrie – your positives.

        I know – SUCH a coincidence. I realise – and only thanks to YOU, that yes he was a narcissist. He wanted to take a photo of me once and I shied away and he said but he likes to take a photo of all the women he’s slept with – and showed me his album of women. Oh my gosh!!! I said definitely no to a photo. I am NOT in that album.

        Thank you for helping me see as much.

        Hope you are well, I do, way way over there. xx

        Like

    1. countingducks, I thought of yoy this weekend as I was counting baby ducks in my back yard. Twelve!! and what a proud momma.!!
      Usually we do have some responsibilty for what happens to us especially when it involves someone like JC. I could have listened to my gut and saved myself 9 1/2 years of heart ache. I could have beleived in myself more, I could have respected myself
      more. But I didn’t and I learned a few very important lessons. I figure as long as you learn something and use it to educate and help others nothing is ever a waste.
      But if I don’t own my part in it I am saying I was helpless to change it which means it could happen again and again and no one would be able to protect themselves.
      Because we can’t change the N, we can only change ourselves and how we react to the N’s we meet.
      Thank you for your continued support and encouragement.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. JC sounds like the twin brother of my ex. Right down to the nasty denigrating comments
    he made with his swan song he dished about his new “soulmate.” I literally have been there
    done that, and…..you are one strong survivor girlfriend. Rock on.

    Like

    1. Lexi!! So good to see you, I’ve been thimking about you and hoping you were ok.
      S he has a twin does he? And they are both evil!!

      And tiu are one strong lady yourself Lexi!
      They really didn’t kmow who they were dealing with. Some times it crosses my mind that I would like ro be a fly on the wall and see how his perfrct live is eorking for him but then the truth is I don’t give a flying puck!!
      Really good to see you Lexo I missed you!
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  3. Carrie,

    I’ve been walking my path for two and a half years now. Please trust, while enduring similar and dire circumstances, there IS a peace that arrives from within. It is self created, it is ‘bliss’ in many ways, Just believe, trust and know that there are people who really DO care, despite our own entanglements with disordered abusers. And yours sure sounds that way.

    You will know peace. I trust that.

    Like

    1. Abilitytolove, it has been two and 1/2 years for me also and I can honestly say I am over him. My recovery dragged out because he started hoovering me a year after we split andit set me back but I have been no contact {aside frim when he found my blog} for a year and 1/2. U went so gar as to change my wholr routine and where I did business to avoid ant contact and thats qhen the heslibg really started. I have ni desire to see him, hear how he’s doing or even seek revenge. He is nothing to me. I never cry over him or dream about him nothing. There isn”t even sadness.
      I feel completely whole and happy, I like me and I love my life without him. Any stress, axiety or sadness iiny life is duevto my financial circumstances, which definitely stwm from the mess he left me in and that is a piss off, becuz I’m im real financial trouble and it is tge only thing keeping me from being totallycat peace.
      I am praying God has a plan bevause I sure don’t. I had a few months of utter bliss and contentment even losing my job didn’t get me down but when my truck broke down, that eas the final straw.
      But you are right, a person appreciates life so much more agter the N.
      Huga
      Carrie

      Like

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