Monday November 8th 2009.
“I guess deep down I’m afraid of the truth and I know it without asking. It’s killing alot of my love for him; or maybe loving him so much has killed a part of me.”
June 1, 2013
When I wrote that my truck was running, I had a solid customer base, I was making good money and I had options.
A year later when he told me HE couldn’t take it any more and didn’t love me enough to tolerate “this” I had nothing. He said I could stay because he didn’t want to see me on the streets; what a nice guy!
So I left, with enough fuel to get to my girlfriend’s, $5 and 1/2 a pack of smokes, 1/2 my customers and a truck that was just limping and broke down a week later. But most importantly, that extra year of being with him killed my will to live, to fight.
A month after leaving him I attempted suicide and obviously failed; I fought the urge to end it all for months. Then in March I found out he had moved in with another woman, I was devastated; he told me to kill myself because no man would ever want a psycho bitch like me and I had made his life hell for 10 years. He had met the love of his life, she wasn’t anything like me. She was calm, rational, and he didn’t have to lie to her. (they had known each other 6 weeks and he’d found the love of his life a month before that and told me he still loved me the night before)
I got off the phone and sat for two days with a bottle of pills in my hands. That’s when something, somewhere deep inside me; a little piece of the old me, that had been buried in the darkness and pain, stirred.
I didn’t trust myself to not try suicide again and I didn’t have a support system.
That is when I decided to start this blog; I figured if I was going to try to heal myself I had to be accountable to someone and I needed to know I wasn’t alone.
April 2010 I had one visitor. I kept posting, crying out to the universe.
So many times I read the comments of women who visit here and I break down sobbing because I know the pain they are in. There are no words to adequately describe that kind of immobolizing pain. I look back on that time and its like an out of body experience. I see myself sitting on the couch, for hours, breathing was too much effort, my mind numbed with so much pain I couldn’t watch TV or read. I resented letting Kato out for a pee.
Life has been hard the last two years; really hard. I imagine I have had PTSD, I had a heart attack about a year after I left, I basically had to give my truck away JC had done so much damage to it. ( the young guy that got it took 6 months to get it running and God knows how much money)
I have lived in conditions no person should have to live in and thought it would kill me. I have gotten and lost a job and right now have a broken down truck and rent is due and I am still $150 short.
I am scared, I can’t lose this cabin, I can’t move again; a door has to open up, God must have a plan. I will change professions, he just has to lead me where he wants me to go.
I just want to say thank you to all the people who donated to my cause, more than the money it was the show of faith in me and support that meant the most. I am so terribly grateful for every single person who comes here, because whether you know it or not, you keep me going. Every time someone says I made a difference in their life. Every time I happen to say the right thing that resonates with someone, every time some one says Thank you for being here, or I inspire them to carry on; my strength is rejuvenated and I have the courage to continue struggling.
Just so you know; this is not one sided, I get back as much as I give.
My whole adult life I have tried to figure out my purpose for being on this earth. There have been times I have thought being Kris’s mom was purpose enough, or running a daycare, or being step mom to 4 great kids, but there was still this little voice telling me I had a greater purpose for being here.
I thought for awhile it was to be an advocate for the impoverished, but it just didn’t come together.
I want to leave this earth better for me being here. I’ve wanted to change the world just a little bit for the better, change people’s views.
Not everyone feels like that, not everyone hears that little voice and that is their life. I know my mom looked at me like I was crazy when I asked her if she ever wondered what her purpose was for being here.
No matter what happens in my life I feel I have found my purpose. Discussing abuse, domestic violence and my experiences doesn’t bring me down or depress me. When I talk about it here or out in “the real world” I feel energized, knowing I am helping people understand domestic abuse, or leave an abusive relationship.
I just felt the need to share that; I don’t even know why. But I want you all to know I love you and knowing you has enriched my life more than any of you could know.
So have a great day!
Love and hugs
Posted by Carrie Reimer the Lady WithaTruck