I have noticed a few women mentioning that they have their moments of doubt, that they worry that they were responsible for the relationship ending and for their ex treating them so badly, after all he is treating the new woman so well. In fact, he is treating her just like he treated you in the beginning also.
I am going to say it again,
You can not be responsible for a relationship that was based on lies, you can not be responsible for how a person treats you if you never knew who you were dealing with, ever and the rules changed daily or many times in a day. You fell in love with a sham, a lie, a figment of his imagination (and yours).I have copied and pasted a portion of a letter to JC I wrote in Feb 2012 and posted here. I wrote it and never sent it and I have gone back and read it many times, any time I doubted myself, I thought maybe someone here might benefit from it.
I am not perfect and in any other relationship I would willingly take my share of the responsibility for it ending but I can not take blame for this one ending, only for it continuing far too long.
How did I contribute to it going on far too long? By listening to your lies and not listening to my gut that was telling me you were lying, and not believing what I saw with my own eyes. By forgiving you time after time and believing that if I changed this or that, if I worked harder, praised you more, was less sensitive, more patient, anticipated your every need, was sexier, was less needy, or less demanding you would love me back.
I allowed you to convince me that you loved me even though you talked to me like I was your worst enemy, treated me like dirt under your feet and didn’t give me the respect of accepting me the way I was or leaving me alone. You demanded I change for you but what you wanted changed almost daily and I became so wrapped up in trying to figure out what you wanted I failed to realize you weren’t anything close to what I wanted.
I allowed you to ignore every boundary I have; the “deal breakers” I have always adhered to, like; faithfulness, honesty, law abiding, respect for others like neighbors, friends and family.
I compromised my values by accepting illegal activity like stealing, driving without insurance, physically abusing your son, me and my son, even though I talked to you about it and gave you ultimatums I should not have ever had to convince you what was right. The first time I witnessed you break the law I should have walked away. It was not my responsibility to teach you right from wrong; that is what a parent does with a child not what an adult woman does with her 40 something partner. If a person doesn’t respect the law by the time they are adults it is unlikely they will change.
When we met I was confident in my sexual abilities and attractiveness to the opposite sex and had a fulfilling sex life with any man I had been involved with. I should have never let your addiction to porn, personal ads and blatant disregard for my needs in bed make me think there was something wrong with me. No woman can compete with that and no woman can cure that for you.
When I went back to you and everyone who knew us warned me to not let you work on my truck and I knew you had sabotaged my vehicle in the past; I should have walked away from the relationship. How could I expect a normal relationship when I knew you were capable of sabotaging me?
Why on earth did I stay with you when time after time you were fired for stealing, what 40 + person hasn’t learned that if you take something that doesn’t belong to you people get angry and employers will fire you. No one is “falsely” accused that many times and if they are they would be very concerned about why people thought they were stealing and figure out what they were doing and stop doing it.
There is no excuse for having hundreds of women on your Facebook, communicating with women from sex sites, and I should not have been crying alone in my bed; I should have been packing. When you were living with me, especially when I was paying the rent I should not have had to tell you I expected you to respect me and not go into dating sites while you were there. When I discovered you were, there should have been no discussion about it, denying it, or blame placed on me; it was wrong, it happened more than once and I should have put your stuff on the street and never answered the door again.
I have never felt the need to beg a man, I always knew I deserved respect and I got it but I had never been with a psychopath before, somehow you convinced me that everything I had always known to be healthy was unreasonable and demanding.
I look back and I can’t believe a man I was with would not come home all night, not answer his phone even when his son or sister were at the house waiting for him and then come home the next day as if nothing happened and I was afraid to say something and be accused of causing conflict, time after time! How bizarre is that?
I allowed you to make me feel that traits like being sensitive, trusting, honest, giving, hard working, forgiving and loving were bad things. I allowed you to ignore my most basic requests like call if you are late, be honest with me, that I am the only woman you are having sex with, come to bed to sleep and hold me at night.
Why on earth did I allow you to badger me about money and feel I had to pay you what ever sum you deemed I owed you and I can’t believe you hit me because I couldn’t comply with your demands for money “right now” and I didn’t charge you with abuse. Did I actually think you would appreciate the fact that when the cops came to the house and asked me if you had hit me and I looked them in the eye and said you hadn’t? All I did was show you that you could get away with it and I would lie for you.
Like you said yourself, “what did you do?” And I said, “I stayed” And you looked at me over your glasses and said, “EXACTLY”.
You said that the problems we had were my own fault for not telling you to fuck off. I agree whole heartedly, I never should have let you con your way back. But I must point out I DID kick you to the curb, at times even put your stuff out at the curb and you totally ignored me and moved your stuff back in; to argue with you meant I would get hit, or something of mine would be destroyed. Either you just ignored the fact that I told you it was over or you injured yourself or got sick and I would take care of you, (once again my own fault) or my truck would break down and you would have to rescue me.
You were right, it was my fault; I did stay. I believed the lie that was you and I perpetuated the lie by covering for you just like your mother has for years.
I assigned you feelings that you didn’t have, like guilt, a conscience, love, compassion and honesty because that is what I would have been feeling.
You have memorized and imitated appropriate emotions for certain situations but I learned to see through the act but when my stomach flipped and told me it was all an act I didn’t say anything I played my part like a dutiful puppet, because it was easier than fighting.
You knew you had me beaten down when I wouldn’t challenge even your most transparent excuses and at that point I gave away my self respect.
From day one I asked for; honesty, faithfulness, and fairness. That was all; I was willing to compromise on anything else. I communicated openly with you about my expectations. I told you I didn’t judge you for looking at porn or for needing more than one woman in your life I even offered to watch porn with you but other women I could not accept and if you wanted to be with me I expected faithfulness. I think it was the only deal breaker wasn’t it? I compromised on everything else, I “picked my battle” and it was the one thing I could not accept. I convinced myself that the ads were just an ego boost for you; then you had to take it a step further and actually meet them, then it was sending love letters and before I knew it I was being unreasonable for being upset you were telling other women you loved them and wanted to spend the rest of your life with them. What did I do? I stayed, I cried, I died inside, I made myself believe you when you said you had an epiphany and you loved me and we could work it out.
Now you come to me and say you always loved me, didn’t want to lose me, you have apologized but for nothing specific, you’ve given a generic I am sorry I was wrong, it wasn’t your fault. You say you have had an epiphany, I think this is the same epiphany you’ve had a dozen times in the past.
As a matter of fact you had a much clearer epiphany when you found out you had 6 months to live. When you came to me with your revelation I asked you, what if we get back together and we have tough times, what if something happens and I am dependent on you for a while? And you had said, “it will be different this time,baby, this time you meant it, this time there is no doubt in your mind’. And you know what? My gut was saying, “Run!” but you cried, you made love to me and wouldn’t let me orgasm until I had repeated over and over that I knew you loved me. And now you say it is my own fault for believing you and taking you back, it was I know that, especially now, especially after I found your blog that was public domain and you talked openly about the other women. When I found out you had only hidden you profile on POF and you blamed me because I could have any man I wanted any day of the week. The difference was I could have, but I didn’t want to because I was so in love with you.
You have said you have changed, you aren’t on the internet any more, have given up personal ads because all the people on those sites have major problems, you have said that you have told M you refuse to cut me out of your life and I am your “people” and you want to “help” me. When I turned your friendship down you told me to just let it ride out; we aren’t done yet.
The letter went on and on some more, as I am known to do at times LOL.