Why Did I Fight So Hard?

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It nerve seems to get old

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I walked in the door last night after another great day at the lake and out my back door I see the silloette of a Heron. It never gets old and always makes me so very grateful for my new life. How many people get to see that every single day? The eagles, baby ducks, the bird life period is a constant source of enjoyment. I saw the most beautiful bright yellow bird yesterday, a huge butterfly, tiny guppies along the shore, watched a Heron as he tried to swallow a big fish whole.

I watched water skiers, kayakers, people on air mattresses and one fellow who has modifed his jeep with pontoons and cruises the lake. I joined in the chorus of people from all the houses along the shore and yelled at a few seadoos and speed boats to “SLOW DOWN” as they passed the houses, watched the parade of decorated party barges as they took part in the annual “Floatilla”, ate a huge pancake breakfast up at our little community hall and wandered from neighbour to neighbour stopping for some chit chat.

I was stopped as I walked home by a group of grandma’s, uncles and children decorated the road with side walk chalk art who informed me I could not pass until I drew something.

My biggest complaint is that a misquito bit the bottom of my foot at some point. I can handle it!!

I remember 13 years ago moving here with JC, full of hopes and dreams for “our” future. Oh how wonderful it was going to be.

Funny of new love does that to you; in my 40’s and feeling like a 20 year old, anything was possible. Love conquerred all and as long as we had each other we would make it through anything. We were embarking on our new life together, my soul mate and I. Everything we had been through in our lives had led us to each other and life was just beginning.

We weren’t there 6 months before he strangled me for the first time, it was only 7 months before he decked me in the kitchen and knocked me out when I head bashed against the cupboard.

The abuse had started the day we moved in, that was the first time he tied into me out of the blue throwing me into a tail spin I only recently pulled out of.

It amazes me that a full grown woman would spend 10 years clinging to a promise made by a man she had known 6 months of her 45 years on this earth.

Clinging to a PROMISE, year after year, long after we had moved from the lake I clung to that promise. I fought so hard to keep a relationship based on promises and lies and continual disappointment and more promises. Until the promises of a better life no longer consisted of life by a lake but hollow promises of no more abuse, infidelity or lies. And those promises weren’t kept either.

I prayed for this exact house in 2009, even though I had never seen it physically I had seen it in my mind. I didn’t think it was possible because of my finances etc. But I prayed. Then I expected my prayers to be answered some how through JC. But they never were.

I got angry with God, screamed at him, “What the hell do you want from me?? Just tell me what you want and I’ll do it!!”
But I wasn’t ready.

I had to be homeless, sleep in my truck, live in hell holes (I am an Aries, stubborn and independent to a fault).

You know how you always hear about people who find money they didn’t know they had? I have always known exactly how much money I don’t have. No fear of me forgetting about a few thousand dollars!

When the home owner came to me and said I had 2 weeks to come up with almost $3000 I had no idea how I would do it. My truck had been down for over a month, well you know the story. People were wonderful and donated hundreds, which kept the bills paid, kept me fed but certainly wasn’t going to produce the thousands I would need. Then I got sick, I was out of options.

Just days before I went into the hospital my mom reminded me of some money I got almost 20 yrs ago.

I had worked for Fraser Valley Foods for 12 years when they closed the doors. We all got severance packages which included RRSP funds that the company had contributed to. I got about $30,000, $5,000 of which was locked in until retirement age.
I cashed in $25,000 back in the late 1990’s. The other $5000 I invested and forgot about because it was locked in. I received a statement every year and after a crash in the stock market around 2000, my funds had shrunk to almost nothing. I moved with JC and never bothered to send the investment company a change of address.

I called them about two weeks ago, and yes they had my returned statements and yes they were able to find my investments, and yes, because it came to under $10,000 I would be able to withdraw them before retirement age.

Of course income tax has to take their 20% right off the top (which I will get back when I file my taxes) and it isn’t much, just over $4000; but it IS enough to pay every thing I need to in order for the sale of the cabin to go through, and hopefully buy myself some sort of cheap transportation.

The cheque came in the mail the day after I came home from the hospital.

Do you have any idea how many times I would have used that money over the last 12 years??

Do you know how pissed off JC would be to know that I had that money all that time and he didn’t manage to get his hands on it?? I half expect to get a phone call from him demanding the money for something he thinks I owe him for.

God was listening, he was just waiting for ME to wake up and pay attention.

DO NOT EVER GIVE UP!!
and whatever you do, don’t bank on another person to full fill your hopes and dreams.

I am right back where I was 13 years ago almost exactly to the day, fullfilling my hopes and dreams. Don’t waste over 10 years of your life like I did.

Happy Canada!!

Love and Hugs from your Canadian friend
Carrie

Posted by Carrie Reimer the Lady WithaTruck

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14 Replies to “Why Did I Fight So Hard?”

    1. Paula, yes I do!! As does everyone have the right to live out their hopes and dreams. You have been a huge help in me getting through the “growing pains” of self actualization.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  1. Carrie that is a wonderful story, that I wish I had read when I was 40. Of course you would still be in high school and just stating your journey! I have to keep telling myself that it is a journey, an adventure and I am my own heroine in this story. Thanks for reminding me!

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    1. KL, you are welcome! You are right, we all are in more control of our journey than we realize but I also believe we have to know when to give up control and let things unfold as they should.
      You are so talented and creative with your jewellery, I can see things opening up for you through that.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. I am totally thrilled Carrie to see how far you’ve come and how well you are doing! Picture me doing handsprings and cartwheels! I completely concur with your closing lines: “DO NOT EVER GIVE UP!!
    and whatever you do, don’t bank on another person to full fill your hopes and dreams.” That’s so very true!

    I bought all my abuser’s lies and false promises. Thankfully, in my case, God did step in to save me, perhaps s much from my rose-colored love for my ex as anything! Just before I was due to move 1600 miles to move in with him, I was diagnosed with cancer,

    Oops! Psychopaths don’t do sickness well in their victims! Ha! Strangely enough, and odd as it might sound, I do think my cancer was a gift from God meant to save me from psycho boy! Okay, I accept our … ah, cough, cough, union wasn’t meant to be! I thank God for that!

    Today, of course I’m cancer free having dodged a major bullet! Psycho boy found himself a more gullible, naive, well-to-do woman with lucrative income, and is off living the parasitic life with her footing the bills!. I’m grateful though. She took the bullet in my place! I lost maybe 16 months of my to this disordered non-relationship.

    I learned so much though, and I think today, I’m a better, healthier, stronger woman after all is said and done! Yes, don’t look for another person to make your hopes and dreams come true. Do yourself a favor, and enjoy the self-esteem that comes from being your own person, and nobody’s fool! LOL..:

    Congratulations again Carrie. I’m so very happy for you! You go girlfriend! Hugs and best wishes for a long and happy life for you from an American friend!

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    1. Linda thank you! There were times when I was at my lowest and you relating getting through your own hardships and words of encouragement got me through another day.
      Yes, I believe your illness was God’s way of stopping you from making a huge mistake, sometimes we are so determined to go a certain direction that he has to use pretty drastic measures to make us stop and listen; or “duck and roll” whatever the case may be.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  3. This is just what I needed to hear. I’ve been petrified of the future and “how do I leave when I have NOTHING” but God does provide, in ways we least expect. I know I would have “spent that money” so many times over, or HE would have spent that money on something he wanted! Either way I would have ended up with nothing, just like I have now. God is Good. Gracias, amiga. Let it be the same for me.

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    1. Catherine, I am so glad you found what you needed here today. You know; fear of the unknown, thinking I couldn’t leave with nothing only depleted ME more and posponed the inevitable. You will never recoup your losses as long as you are with your N, simply because he won’t allow it!
      No matter what the narcissist will never be fair or generous.
      The first step is the scariest after that its one foot in front of the other, baby steps and you are on the road to a better, happier, healthier life. Believe in YOU!
      HUGS
      Carrie

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  4. What an inspirational story Carrie! Amazing that the money was there when you most needed it. God IS so good. I’m very happy for you.

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    1. Connie, yes God IS good!
      It truly is amazing the money was there, no word of a lie; had JC known it was there he would have badgered me unmercifully until I handed it over.
      The really sad part is I would have handed it over just to shut him up instead of kicking him to the curb! And God knew that!
      I was the only one putting road blocks in my way, but then any earlier the cabin might not have been available. I looked at other properties and nothing gelled, now I know why.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

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