Nelson Mandela-Let It Go

I had to share this email message I recieved from Chris Cade this morning.

It is a subject we have discussed before and I have recently seen discussed on other blogs about narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths and their victims; forgiveness and the belief for true healing a person must forgive their abuser. It is something I have struggled with; this notion that if you are a “healthy” person/”good” person, you will forgive your abuser. The religious sector says the Bible says we MUST forgive and turn the other cheek, let those without sin cast the first stone….. Yada yada yada…….

Personally, there are a few things that are required for me to truly forgive;
1. The offending party must acknowledge what they have done and ask for forgiveness without blaming the victim in any way.

2. The offender demonstrates a desire to not repeat the behaviour

From my experience with a psychopath, his apologies were laced with blame and words he parroted that he knew were necessary for the victim to forgive him. Once forgiven he expected that the slate was wiped clean and the subject would never be brought up again, BUT there was never any change or even genuine attempt to change his behaviour.

To my ex, “I forgive you” translated into “well you got away with that one so ramp it up and see how far you can push me before I leave your sorry ass”. I was forbidden to bring up the incident ever again or be accused of living in the past but the behaviour continued unchecked (maybe he would try harder to hide it but it never stopped).

Forgiveness in its truest sense was not possible for me. I am not in anyway comparing what I have gone through to what Nelson Mandela has gone through. But everyone who has ever been abused in any way has a choice. I agree with the choice Nelson Mandela made and I think it is doable by every one and it is the only way a victim ever moves on with their life after being abused.

I think it isn’t forgiveness that promotes healing; it is letting go of the anger and hatred.
Anyway here is Chris Cade’s message.

As of the time I’m writing this, former President Nelson Mandela remains in critical but stable condition. Several people from South Africa have written me personally to share how so many hearts in their country are immensely torn. And sadly, now there’s great discontent within many generations of the Mandela family over several matters that range from politics and business, to spiritual and ancestral.

It’s not an easy time, and there are millions of people around the world praying for Nelson, his family, and the country of South Africa. He has been a true inspirational leader.

And in honor of his life and experiences I thought I’d share this touching story from former US President Bill Clinton that we can all benefit from:

“That was pretty smart of you to have your jailers come to the Inauguration and all of that, but let me ask you something.” I said, “Didn’t you really hate them for what they did?
“He said, “Oh, yeah, I hated them for a long time.” He said, “I stayed alive on hate for 12 years. I broke rocks every day, and I stayed alive on hate.” And he said, “They took a lot away from me. They took me away from my wife, and it subsequently destroyed my marriage. They took me away from seeing my children grow up. They abused me mentally and physically. And one day,” he said, “I realized they could take it all except my mind and my heart.”
He said, “Those things I would have to give to them, and I simply decided not to give them away”

And so – so I said to him, I said, “Well, what about when you were getting out of prison?” I said, “The day you got out of prison in 1990, it was Sunday morning, and I got my daughter up early in the morning, and I took her down to the kitchen, and I turned on the television, and she was just a little girl then, and I sat her up on the kitchen counter. And I said, ‘Chelsea, I want you to watch this. This is one of the most important things you’ll ever see in your life.’ “And I said, “I watched you walk down that dirt road to freedom.” I said, “Now, when you were walking down there, and you realized how long you had been in their prison, didn’t you hate them then? Didn’t you feel some hatred?”

He said, “Yes, I did a little bit.” He said, “I felt that.” And he said, “Frankly, I was kind of afraid, too, because I hadn’t been free in so long.”
But he said, “As I felt the anger rising up, I thought to myself, ‘They have already had you for 27 years. And if you keep hating them, they’ll have you again.’ And I said, ‘I want to be free. And so I let it go. I let it go.”

Your Partner In Letting Go,
Chris Cade
Liberate Your Life

Posted by Carrie Reimer the Lady WithaTruck

Advertisements

4 Replies to “Nelson Mandela-Let It Go”

  1. Absolutely! I remember that day, too. I had no idea how he was able to walk as he walked, but I never forgot how he inspired me. I was 18 – just months away from being beaten, suffocated and tortured by someone whom I would never be able to forgive but would find in my heart to stop hating. The strength it took me to stop hating my abuser at 18, guided me again at 40 to stop hating another abuser, the sociopath, who nearly took away all of my faith in the good in this world. I let that hate go and it has made all the difference.

    And on a rather coincidental note, James Fallon who is the self-proclaimed psychopath from the HuffPost Live show I participated in last week, told me in private chat after the show that he likes to toss Bill Clinton in the psychopath-bin with him. I laughed at that. I don’t know Bill Clinton personally, but I suspect he’s got empathy and a conscience. It’s just a gut thing, you know? 🙂

    Like

    1. Paula, lol so typical of a psychopath to compare himself to someone like Bill Clinton (who in my opinion has strong narcissistic “traits” but is far from a psychopath. I think anyone who is capable of running a country had better have a pretty high opinion of himself PLUS compassion and empathy)
      Sorry Mr Fallon, but when they call roll call on judgement day and they get to the “P”s for psychopath; and your name is called you don’t get to choose who you sit beside on the trip to hell.

      Like

  2. There is a HUGE difference between forgiving and forgetting. Forgiveness is not for the other person- it’s for YOU. They don’t deserve it- just as we don’t deserve God’s grace.

    I don’t care if they repent. I don’t care if they apologize. I don’t care if they change.

    I don’t even care I’d they *know* I’ve forgiven

    It’s not about them- it’s about ME.

    And I’ve wasted too much of my own damn time and energy thinking about them. They don’t deserve tge time wasted being angry and not forgiving.

    They don’t deserve it. But I do.

    You will never be free until you forgive and get rid if it.

    It takes some time getting there; I won’t lie. And it’s not easy. It may not feel real. It may take repeating it: “I forgive you,” more than once.

    I also prayed for peace and to feel the release. If you want to be free, you have to forgive (but not forget).

    And by the way- this is one thing you actually DO control. They don’t want us to forgive because it releases the hold they have on us. You will be amazed at how light you feel once you do.

    Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s