When you break away from the Narcissist and you start to heal and get healthy you may find that “friends” try to pull you back into unhealthy behavior and thinking. People don’t like change and they accustomed to you acting and reacting a certain way, even if they say they want you to be happy they seem determined to keep you from moving on.
As you heal you will find you need to talk about the N and rehash the abuse in order to come to grips with the realization he is a narcissist and in order for your mind to accept the relationship in light of the knowledge that the narcissist never loved you, the relationship was a sham and elaborate ruse. But! talking about your ex is done so you can accept and move on NOT stay stuck in the pain.
No contact is the only way to move on and heal, to hear from friends about what he is doing, who he is seeing etc does you no good, it only causes you pain. For one thing right now the N is working over time to make himself seem the victim and you the emotionally unstable abuser that he escaped from. Have no doubt he is not painting you in a good light and more than likely he is saying that everything he did to you, you did to him. You don’t need to know this, there is nothing you can do about it, the more you defend yourself the more you look unstable and you are better off not going there even if you think you want to know.
You want to know that he is treating the new woman the same way he treated you, you want to hear that she is miserable and he is puling the same shit he did with you. But he will never give that to you, he wants you to doubt yourself, is on his best behavior hooking her, plus he wants everyone to think that he was the victim in the relationship and anything bad he did was your fault so he isn’t going to let his true colors show.
Think back to when you were with him, I know in my case my ex treated me great out in public, we always had a good time; it was behind closed doors that his true nature came out. We could be out having a wonderful time and I would be soaking it up like a dry sponge, thinking that when we got home we would make love or just sit like we used to, talking about the night but the minute we got home he would lock himself in the shop and act like he loathed me. Like a switch going off. You can bet that his new relationship will follow the same steps his relationship with you did.
We find out who our true friends are in times of crisis because some of them bail on us, they are the friends that we only hear from when they are going through a bad time and have no time for us when we are down. But there is another type of “friend” just as toxic or more so; who get off on your sadness, they are the friends who want to hear every gory detail They get off on stirring the pot, they want you to be sad; I don’t know why, what they get out of it, maybe they feel superior because they have the power to make you sad and then they comfort you. It is all a sick dance of sick people. A good friend will not feed your pain, a good friend will not continually tell you that they saw your ex and how happy he looked with the new woman. A good friend will not talk about your ex unless you bring it up, they will take their cues from you.
When JC and I split I told everyone I knew who knew him that if they saw him I didn’t want to know, some people respected that and others ignored it completely and were actually excited and couldn’t wait to tell me if they saw JC.
In fairness to your friends they have probably seen you and your ex split a few times, which is typical of relationships with N’s; and aren’t taking it seriously but if they don’t respect your request to not tell you about your ex then you might have to cut them from your life.
Even with JC’s family, soon after the breakup his step dad brought up his name and was telling me about them dropping by the house and I told him flat out that it really hurt me to hear about JC with the new woman. I didn’t have to say it twice, he never mentioned JC’s name again and we have remained in contact the whole 2 1/2 years since JC and I split. He contacts me every few weeks just to see how I am doing, his mother and I don’t talk as often but when we have talked, we don’t talk about JC. If his family can do it, your friends most certainly can do it; there should be tons of other topics to discuss, if not; then the relationship isn’t worth keeping.
I have a friend who has tried to stay friends with JC and I, I have told him many times that I didn’t want to hear about JC and he has done pretty good. JC has cut all contact with this friend, he says it is because this friend stays in contact with me but in truth this friend has nothing he wants or needs right now. On occasion this friend has asked if I have heard from JC and I tell him no, I have no reason to talk with him and have no desire to see him. A few weeks ago, just before I went in the hospital he called me and asked if I wanted to meet for dinner, I was thrilled because I like this friend. during dinner he told me how he had been to another friends house and JC had been there with his new woman. He’d obviously been bad mouthing me because my friend started asking me questions almost like he doubted my honesty, then he said, “and you have that blog…………but you told me about that”. Exactly!!! I did tell him about my blog, and like I told him once again; the blog is about helping victims of abuse, if anyone were to Google JC’s name my blog would not come up. It is not an attempt to “ruin” JC, not like him using my name and business name on his blog. It has been 2 1/2 years, I have had my blog for almost 2 years and he is obviously still going on about it and God knows what else.
I have moved on. When my friend said again that M was with JC I took it as a direct slap in the face, in other words JC is happy and still with M, well I was with JC 10 years and believe me I was not happy for 9 of those years. M should be just starting to doubt herself, wondering what the hell she did wrong and maybe has been hit by now. I told my friend that I didn’t care and did not want to hear about JC, I didn’t want to know if he saw JC, didn’t want to know who JC was with, where J was or when he saw him. I said, I have no interest whatsoever in what JC is doing or saying, he is a sick son-of-a-bitch.”
A few days later I ended up in the hospital and accidentally dialed my friend and then heard someone says hello so answered and told him I was in the hospital and dialed him by accident and had to go. He never called me or came to see me the 5 days I was in the hospital. I was home for over a two weeks without a word from him, then last week he called and said he was in the neighborhood and asked if he could he come over.
Once again I was happy to hear from him and walked up to meet him at the gate, I started to tell him about how I ended up in the hospital and he interrupted so I didn’t mention it again. He was thrilled about my little place and he ordered in pizza and we talked about his day and then he mentioned again what a great place I have. And THEN he said, “Has JC been here to see it?” I know my face and voice gave away my annoyance and I snapped, “No, why would he be here? why would you even ask?” He then asked if JC knew about it and I said I didn’t know, I said,” I don’t talk to JC, I have no desire to talk to JC and he had better not show up here.”
Then my friend mentioned that he still hadn’t heard from JC even though he has tried numerous times to contact him through emails. Then I knew why he came to see me, he is upset that JC has “discarded” him and I said, “The reason you haven’t heard from JC is because you have nothing he wants from you. If he ever needs something from you he will contact you.”
I realized my friend wanted to keep me missing JC, talking about JC because of his own issues with JC rejecting him. And as have noticed with other friends he seemed disappointed that I wasn’t upset about JC, just that I was upset with him for bringing him into the conversation. Somehow because I am now in control of my emotions and want nothing to do with JC and my life is good and I am happy it is like they doubt the abuse and JC is still lamenting about me. I have nothing to prove to anyone and certainly have no desire to defend myself.
I may have just gotten out of the hospital with heart failure, recently lost my job, found the man I was dating with another woman, I found over $4000 I didn’t know I had, purchased a home and a car (something a year ago I would have thought an impossibility,) But I haven’t had any “drama” in my life, if you have been with a narcissist you know what I mean; their lives are always filled with drama. They create drama, they lie about things they don’t have to lie about, they blame you for things they did, they sabotage you, they are always orchestrating the lives of the people close to them. You are forever being manipulated, walking on egg shells and “on guard”, waiting for the inevitable hurt he is going to inflict on you. a person can have ups and downs, trauma, and crisis in their lives without drama!!
I have none of that in my life any more, and I am remembering and becoming the woman I used to be; I am facing challenges and winning, mainly because I don’t have anyone working in the shadows to destroy me. Left to my own devices, I don’t need to be rescued, life has fallen into place as it should.
If my “friends” don’t respect and appreciate that then they are not friends of mine and I don’t have time for them in my life, they scare me; who would want to pull me back into an abusive relationship? I have found that the more I heal, the healthier I get emotionally, (having another near death experience certainly had something to do with it) the more I cherish the peace in my life and I avoid drama like the plague.
Do you have friends who like to keep you down? or friends that encourage you and support you in your efforts to become healthy and happy?
Hugs to you all!!