Friends and Family Who Aren’t

change

When you break away from the Narcissist and you start to heal and get healthy you may find that “friends” try to pull you back into unhealthy behavior and thinking. People don’t like change and they accustomed to you acting and reacting a certain way, even if they say they want you to be happy they seem determined to keep you from moving on.

As you heal you will find you need to talk about the N  and rehash the abuse in order to come to grips with the realization he is a narcissist and in order for your mind to accept the relationship in light of the knowledge that the narcissist never loved you, the relationship was a sham and elaborate ruse. But! talking about your ex is done so you can accept and move on NOT stay stuck in the pain.

No contact is the only way to move on and heal, to hear from friends about what he is doing, who he is seeing etc does you no good, it only causes you pain. For one thing right now the N is working over time to make himself seem the victim and you the emotionally unstable abuser that he escaped from. Have no doubt he is not painting you in a good light and more than likely he is saying that everything he did to you, you did to him. You don’t need to know this, there is nothing you can do about it, the more you defend yourself the more you look unstable and you are better off not going there even if you think you want to know.

You want to know that he is treating the new woman the same way he treated you, you want to hear that she is miserable and he is puling the same shit he did with you. But he will never give that to you, he wants you to doubt yourself, is on his best behavior hooking her, plus he wants everyone to think that he was the victim in the relationship and anything bad he did was your fault so he isn’t going to let his true colors show.

Think back to when you were with him, I know in my case my ex treated me great out in public, we always had a good time; it was behind closed doors that his true nature came out. We could be out having a wonderful time and I would be soaking it up like a dry sponge, thinking that when we got home we would make love or just sit like we used to, talking about the night but the minute we got home he would lock himself in the shop and act like he loathed me. Like a switch going off. You can bet that his new relationship will follow the same steps his relationship with you did.

We find out who our true friends are in times of crisis because some of them bail on us, they are the friends that we only hear from when they are going through a bad time and have no time for us when we are down. But there is another type of “friend” just as toxic or more so; who get off on your sadness, they are the friends who want to hear every gory detail They get off on stirring the pot, they want you to be sad; I don’t know why, what they get out of it, maybe they feel superior because they have the power to make you sad and then they comfort you. It is all a sick dance of sick people. A good friend will not feed your pain, a good friend will not continually tell you that they saw your ex and how happy he looked with the new woman. A good friend will not talk about your ex unless you bring it up, they will take their cues from you.

When JC and I split I told everyone I knew who knew him that if they saw him I didn’t want to know, some people respected that and others ignored it completely and were actually excited and couldn’t wait to tell me if they saw JC.

In fairness to your friends they have probably seen you and your ex split a few times, which is typical of relationships with N’s; and aren’t taking it seriously but if they don’t respect your request to not tell you about your ex then you might have to cut them from your life.

Even with JC’s family, soon after the breakup his step dad brought up his name and was telling me about them dropping by the house and I told him flat out that it really hurt me to hear about JC with the new woman. I didn’t have to say it twice, he never mentioned JC’s name again and we have remained in contact the whole 2 1/2 years since JC and I split. He contacts me every few weeks just to see how I am doing, his mother and I don’t talk as often but when we have talked, we don’t talk about JC. If his family can do it, your friends most certainly can do it; there should be tons of other topics to discuss, if not; then the relationship isn’t worth keeping.

I have a friend who has tried to stay friends with JC and I, I have told him many times that I didn’t want to hear about JC and he has done pretty good. JC has cut all contact with this friend, he says it is because this friend stays in contact with me but in truth this friend has nothing he wants or needs right now. On occasion this friend has asked if I have heard from JC and I tell him no, I have no reason to talk with him and have no desire to see him. A few weeks ago, just before I went in the hospital he called me and asked if I wanted to meet for dinner, I was thrilled because I like this friend. during dinner he told me how he had been to another friends house and JC had been there with his new woman. He’d obviously been bad mouthing me because my friend started asking me questions almost like he doubted my honesty, then he said, “and you have that blog…………but you told me about that”. Exactly!!! I did tell him about my blog, and like I told him once again; the blog is about helping victims of abuse, if anyone were to Google JC’s name my blog would not come up. It is not an attempt to “ruin” JC, not like him using my name and business name on his blog. It has been 2 1/2 years, I have had my blog for almost 2 years and he is obviously still going on about it and God knows what else.

I have moved on. When my friend said again that M was with JC I took it as a direct slap in the face, in other words JC is happy and still with M, well I was with JC 10 years and believe me I was not happy for 9 of those years. M should be just starting to doubt herself, wondering what the hell she did wrong and maybe has been hit by now. I told my friend that I didn’t care and did not want to hear about JC, I didn’t want to know if he saw JC, didn’t want to know who JC was with, where J was or when he saw him. I said, I have no interest whatsoever in what JC is doing or saying, he is a sick son-of-a-bitch.”

A few days later I ended up in the hospital and accidentally dialed my friend and then heard someone says hello so answered and told him I was in the hospital and dialed him by accident and had to go. He never called me or came to see me the 5 days I was in the hospital. I was home for over a two weeks without a word from him, then last week he called and said he was in the neighborhood and asked if he could he come over.

Once again I was happy to hear from him and walked up to meet him at the gate, I started to tell him about how I ended up in the hospital and he interrupted so I didn’t mention it again. He was thrilled about my little place and he ordered in pizza and we talked about his day and then he mentioned again what a great place I have. And THEN he said, “Has JC been here to see it?” I know my face and voice gave away my annoyance and  I snapped, “No, why would he be here? why would you even ask?” He then asked if JC knew about it and I said I didn’t know, I said,” I don’t talk to JC, I have no desire to talk to JC and he had better not show up here.”

Then my friend mentioned that he still hadn’t heard from JC even though he has tried numerous times to contact him through emails. Then I knew why he came to see me, he is upset that JC has “discarded” him and I said, “The reason you haven’t heard from JC is because you have nothing he wants from you. If he ever needs something from you he will contact you.”

I realized my friend wanted to keep me missing JC, talking about JC because of his own issues with JC rejecting him. And as  have noticed with other friends he seemed disappointed that I wasn’t upset about JC, just that I was upset with him for bringing him into the conversation. Somehow because I am now in control of my emotions and want nothing to do with JC and my life is good and I am happy it is like they doubt the abuse and JC is still lamenting about me. I have nothing to prove to anyone and certainly have no desire to defend myself.

I may have just gotten out of the hospital with heart failure, recently lost my job, found the man I was dating with another woman, I found over $4000 I didn’t know I had, purchased a home and a car (something a year ago I would have thought an impossibility,) But I haven’t had any “drama” in my life, if you have been with a narcissist you know what I mean; their lives are always filled with drama. They create drama, they lie about things they don’t have to lie about, they blame you for things they did, they sabotage you,  they are always orchestrating the lives of the people close to them. You are forever being manipulated, walking on egg shells and “on guard”, waiting for the inevitable hurt he is going to inflict on you. a person can have ups and downs, trauma, and crisis in their lives without drama!!

I have none of that in my life any more, and I am remembering and becoming the woman I used to be; I am facing challenges and winning, mainly because I don’t have anyone working in the shadows to destroy me. Left to my own devices, I don’t need to be rescued, life has fallen into place as it should.

If my “friends” don’t respect and appreciate that then they are not friends of mine and I don’t have time for them in my life, they scare me; who would want to pull me back into an abusive relationship? I have found that the more I heal, the healthier I get emotionally, (having another near death experience certainly had something to do with it) the more I cherish the peace in my life and I avoid drama like the plague.

Do you have friends who like to keep you down? or friends that encourage you and support you in your efforts to become healthy and happy?

Hugs to you all!!

Advertisements

16 Replies to “Friends and Family Who Aren’t”

  1. Wow, Carrie, you are SO WONDERFULLY LEVEL-HEADED HERE. Love it, love it.

    You handled that friend perfectly and in fact caused me to see and understand more – about human nature. How bizarre, utterly bizarre that they want to keep you in that place where they’re comfortable to hold you. You in this new place is discomforting indeed. GOOD FOR YOU.

    I didn’t know about your heart failure & sure as hell didn’t know about the $4,000 you didn’t know you have – and you bought a house!!!! OMG I don’t know how you did that, but however that happened, I am earnestly glad. Like, wow.

    When you think of suicides, people do it at such a low ebb. Imagine (not meaning to suggest you would) but imagine someone in such a situ…. you just don’t know what’s around the corner. What I do know though – you, the individual has to be brave and make the first moves for change, you have to place yourself in a new place (mentally, physically), you have to move away from the negative and down pull.

    Carrie, loved this update – it contained a lot. Love the new you.

    Like

    1. Noeleen, thank you so much. In deed, 2 years ago when I attempted to kill myself I could not envision my life would ever take me here. Never in a million years could anyone have convinced me that my name would ever be on a land title again; I was
      gotten rid of a few toxic, negative people who wanted to keep me down and fed me negativity and I have cultivated positive friendships.
      Instead of panicking and fearing the worst I have started to assume the best and that things will work out as they should.
      I never thought I would be one of those people who discovers they have money they fotgot about; I always know exactly how much money I have to the penny, if I would have known I had that money over the last 10+ years I would have spent it a fozen times over. JC would have badgered me until I handed it over to him and I would have because I was still thinking I could prove my love for him and he would have an epiphany and love me back instead of kicking him to the curb like I sjould have time and time again.
      God waited until I could put it to good use for my future security. You didn’t realize I am buying my dream home? It truly is an answered prayer. It is the cabin I prayerex for back in 2009, when I prayed for a small home, preferrably on a lake, with enough land to have my gardens, where I could have my dogs and leave a legacy for my son. I told God when I prayed that he would have to get creative with the finances because I had no money or credit. Then JC called with the house deal in Sask and I assumed that was the answer to my prayers but that deal fell through and I lost faith in Gof and was very angry with God. When I was looking for a place to rent I saw an ad for this place for sale for $120,000 and wrote it down but never called. In the final hour,

      Like

      1. Sorry, doing this on my phone again. In the final hour I sent a text to the number stating my exact financial situation and got a text back asking if I wanted to meet that Sunday. It turned out I knew the owners from when JC and I lived there and long story short they agreed to carry the financing and I moved in a week later.. Then I was told I needed 1% down and to pay for the lawyer fees and found tje mon. Creative financing!! The minute I walked in to the cabin I knew it was the snswer to my prayer. It was EXACTLY what I had envisioned in my minds eye. I have never been happier! It is so beautiful, right on the lake, tiny tiny but all redone and all the space I need, my dogs are allowed and I am making new healthy friendships.
        Never ever ever did I think my life would ever be this good, thered is no way for me to pull myself out of the financial pit I was in. Never doubt the power of prayer
        So good to see you Noeleen!! Love and hugs to you and Daniel! Xxxx
        Carrie

        Like

    2. Noeleen, thank you for your enthusiasm!
      The last 6 months have been nothing short of miraculous, I have been meaning to do a post recapping it.
      I did try to commit suicide 2 years ago. My future looked so bleak, there is no way I could ever afford to be a home owner, especially of lake front property!! Its a “God” thing, nothing short of a miracle. But I will save the details for my next post.
      Hugs to Noeleen.

      Like

    1. Kim, coming from you I take that as a real compliment!
      Thank you so much; yes I have come along way, a VERY long way but proof you can survive one of these soul suckers and be happy and find peace.
      Hugs and love
      Carrie

      Like

  2. OMG! This is what Ive been going through for years! I thought it was me! A friend, smiles this terrible smile when I say something bad about my life. My family hates me. Why????? Dont know, it is what it is. I havent checked the date on this blog. I hope for two things. That its current and that youre out of the hell, but I could sure use a friend that knows what Im going through and one I can trust. Thank you for your blog.

    Like

    1. Terry, my blog was started two years ago, about 6 months after I left my ex. This post was written within the last month. Feel free to come in and vent, cry whatever you need to do. I do care and always have a cyber shoulder to cry on, hand to hold on to or hug.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  3. Thank you for writing this post Carrie Reimer. It’s been a fair while since I have written on here and sadly I ended up with another N after the last one. While that relationship has ended, to some extent it’s still ongoing because of the mutual “friends” in which we share as I have to see and hear constant things about what he’s doing with his life. It blows my mind as I find it very hard to witness people kissing his arse and saluting his new relationship (yep he had a new g/f 2 weeks after we split although I’m damn certain he was talking to her while we were dating). I don’t understand how people can tell me how much of a d**k he is and how he has always been like this with women, yet then hang out with him like none of his behaviour towards me ever occurred. I understand that I will have been painted as the emotional abuser by him to them etc etc. But I don’t know how to proceed in my healing when there will be times when I’m around all these people. Classically I’m the one being told to “move on”, “get over it”. But to me it’s very hurtful to realise just how fake some people are and were it easier to, I would just eradicate such people from my life. I guess I worry constantly about how I’m being portrayed as I got all of that with the N when I was made to feel bad for not always adhering to what he wanted. I tried so hard to have boundaries and explained my need for autonomy at points and how social situations could set me in a panic because of the treatment from the previous N. All these “friends” know about the other N too and what I went through with that, but I’m sure they’ll just assume I’m some crazy and that my breakdowns were my fault. Sure they were in the sense that I chose to stay in these toxic relationships and letting go of the victim mentality is how I proceed albeit it’s hard. Not because I want sympathy from others but some insight from them that the N’s behaviour was hideous and wrong wouldn’t go amiss. So I guess I don’t know how to move forward from here? There’s no romantic feelings left for the N but witnessing others being around him like he was damaged etc is very difficult. I don’t feel like I can trust some of these people anymore.

    Like

    1. Tifa, welcome back! sorry you are back but glad you felt comfortable coming here looking for answers.
      I am going to simplify this just for the sake of time, everything I am going to say is in a post on here somewhere.
      For one thing, people who see the abuse and have seen the history of abuse and still remain friends with the N are not people you need in your life. Cut them all out and find some friends who value you and have some moral fiber. People who witness abuse and not say anything about it are as guilty as the person doing the abusing, to stand by while yet another woman falls prey to this guy is sick!
      Second, you started dating far too soon. I understand what you did and expected from your new bf and your friends; that if you told them you were abused and scarred they would cut you slack, not do anything to hurt you, understand if you have a meltdown for no real reason. I did it too. I dated a guy about 2 years after leaving my ex and told him all about the abuse and how I was afraid now and needed to take time etc. He said and did all the right things to make me think he cared and would never hurt me. BUT that is what narcissists do! you tell them all your soft spots and they will target them to hurt you. You have to be completely over the narcissist and comfortable with who you are before you even think about dating again.
      You say “I tried so hard to have boundaries and explained my need for autonomy at points and how social situations could set me in a panic because of the treatment from the previous N. ” For one thing that is making any new guy in your life pay for the sins of your previous boyfriends. How is that fair? You are on guard for any sign he is a narcissist and feeling insecure when you react because you don’t know if you are over reacting or are justified in your reaction. It is a no win scenario. A decent healthy guy is not going to want to deal with all your baggage and a narcissist will take advantage of it. Either way you are going to get hurt again.
      A person should never have to “try” to set boundaries, you have boundaries or you don’t. When you are certain of your boundaries, your deal breakers when someone crosses a boundary you walk away, without concern about looking silly or emotional because you own them.
      You went into the relationship with the mindset of a victim and you remained a victim.
      When a person is a victim, people do things to them. It is hard to get your mindset out of victim mode but it starts with realizing you are not helpless and you do have control over how you are treated. You met a guy, you thought or hoped he was a nice guy, he wasn’t; you walk away. No excuses no apologies, no caring what he is saying because you know he is not the guy for you. You don’t take it personal because you know it is not you, HE was not good enough for YOU not the other way around. You thought you had friends, they have proven they aren’t your friends, not everyone is going to love you or be good to you, you have to think highly enough of yourself to know you deserve better and you are not going to be there after being involved with a narcissist.
      Instead of worrying about being good enough for other people start to ask yourself; are these people worthy of my friendship and time?
      You may not have romantic feelings for the N but you will keep repeating history, dating narcissist after narcissist until you find your true self and love who you are and then you will never accept anything or anyone who doesn’t cherish you and appreciate you for you.
      We all screw up, I had a few major meltdowns during my healing time and I can still lose my shit on occasion when I feel hurt and don’t self counsel. It is easier sometimes to just go with a flood of emotions than to take time to breath and get centered and in touch with what is really going on but it never works in our favor. When we do that we regret our words and emotional display and feel guilty and wrong and like we have to make excuses, “Its because I am a victim of abuse” When you react from your core self there is nothing to regret, no excuses to be made.
      I suggest you start reading all the posts under the categories Self Improvement, Self Discovery and My Journey of Healing and take the time to work on yourself and loving yourself then the approval of others won’t matter.
      Big hugs
      Carrie

      Like

      1. Dearest Carrie. Thank you for your reply. Always so eloquently written and the best advice and support I have ever received not just in the context of narc abuse but in all other aspects as well.
        I am making a conscious decision to not engage with the mutual “friends” anymore. It isn’t good for me and I see little sense in maintaining contact with people who can turn a blind eye like that. It really isn’t about wanting sympathy but it is a challenge to witness them playing nice with someone they know has done wrong, not just to me, but to other people prior. Why would anyone wish to be friends with someone like that? Yet I realise it is down to how he’s working. They are charmers etc as we know. He’s made a good name for himself against them to the point in which they’re choosing to spend more time with him and his new g/f than me. So yeah I see little sense in having people like that in my life. They’re a strange group anyway in that they always seem to be bitching about someone at some point. The narc did it all the time to me about them yet would go and sit with them all at the pub like nothing was said. Personally I have morals and find it very uncomfortable to be around people who are two faced and generally back stabbing one another. I absolutely get that they could never understand what the narc did and I haven’t even discussed him with them directly since we split. They’ve been coming to me for information and telling me shit I don’t wish to hear. And how I have made things awkward by refusing to be in the same company as him!? I understand that my recent ex narc was covert in his behaviours so I’m sure he’s convinced them to prop up his bottom lip and how awful I was to him etc. But yeah I guess it’s more shock right now as I didn’t have people in the prior narc relationship who were mutual friends thankfully. Fortunately he didn’t get to my family and close friends so I’m thankful for that. I’m also grateful to have the insight that I have thanks to you. Just need to work on myself more! I ignored my gut feeling when I met him as I knew something wasn’t quite right with how he’d push to get his own way etc. That and our values were so different. I didn’t start the relationship with having set boundaries. Rather they came about as a subconscious way of protecting what I knew I needed in my life and that I wasn’t going to be bullied to fulfil every need of his. But of course he twisted that and made me feel bad for wanting things for myself. I wouldn’t see someone new in the future and list a load of rules and needs to them. I’m working on myself and my needs right now as best as I can and yes have been making a conscious effort to focus on my own self improvement and to surround myself with happier experiencing and to really get to know me again.
        I meant to say before that I hope you are well. While we have never met sadly I am concerned and sorry to learn that you have been unwell and gone through shit again yourself. I wanted to make contact so many times just to send my regards but I wasn’t sure if you’d remember me and whether I’d come across as some weirdo haha! But I love hearing about your moments with Stella and how you are doing in general. I could never say enough either regarding how much you have helped me. While I got caught up in another narc situation I at least know the reasons why thanks to you and I can start to move forward again.
        Love and hugs from across the puddle.
        Tifa.
        Xx

        Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s