Life After the Narcissist

Did you know that women who have been in an abusive relationship are 70% more likely to have heart disease?

It is almost like I am the poster child for “why you need to stay away from the narcissist in your life”.

Because of my devotion to JC, my determination to make it work, my belief that what we had was special and my faith that the “real” JC was kind and loving; I have jeopardized everything good in my life.

I get a little frustrated sometimes with women who come in here thinking they can’t go on without the N in their life, I understand totally how they feel I just get frustrated that I can’t convince them they will survive and life WILL be so much better the sooner they walk away.

I remember thinking I couldn’t live without JC in my life, I remember thinking all I needed was to have him hold me and as long as I was with him I would be happy. I had never felt that way before, never loved so unconditionally, never wanted a man like I wanted him, no matter what was going on in our life there was never a day I wasn’t happy to see him come home, never a time I didn’t want to make love to him. Why? what gave him that control over me? I don’t know exactly, a combination of things I suppose, the gas lighting and the conflicting messages I continually got.  He could make me feel like the best thing that ever happened to him, he could act so impressed with me and appear to be my biggest support, I never felt more totally accepted by anyone in my life. I was totally myself with him (at first) and he seemed so enamored with me, we could talk for hours, I loved his intelligence, I thought he was the sexiest man I had ever been with and when we would fight it would consume me, I couldn’t think, I would cry so hard I couldn’t breath, I would call him and he would come and get me and hold me and everything would be ok again.

I am not some naive young girl who had never been in love, I had been married 3 times, I had dated lots! I had men of every description asking me out, I was attractive, confident and independent so what was it about him that consumed me for over 10 years? I loved loving him. His approval, his love meant everything to me, I lived to please him, his anger and disapproval cut like a knife and his “love” made me feel like the most desirable woman in the world.

Recently I was talking to a new friend and she couldn’t understand why I kept going back to JC and I couldn’t explain it, I went back when I knew he was lying, I stayed even though he hit me and acted like he loathed me. I didn’t need him, I always did better financially without him, he had nothing to offer me that I couldn’t get elsewhere and better.

In all honesty I doubt I will ever love like that again but I don’t want to, whatever power he had over me scares me. And the thing is I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t living the life I want to live, I wasn’t with a man I respected, how can you love someone you don’t trust, don’t respect, and can’t be yourself with?

Image

This is happy! this is being myself, this is doing what I like to do, this is living a life worth living. This is what I wanted for him and I but refused to admit we would never have. No more drama, no more trauma, no more fear, no more angry neighbors, no more second guessing, no more snooping to find the truth, no more walking on egg shells.

I have become friends with the daughter and her husband of the people JC and I were buying the house from 12 years ago when we moved to Hatzic. I was hesitant to meet them because I knew there were hard feelings because of JC. I was hesitant to move to the resort because of the past, it tends to follow you and JC always came on as such a great guy with everyone in the beginning and all his relationships ended the same way, with people accusing him of lying and stealing. Our life together was always one drama after another.

Six months after moving in I have made friends with people who had preconceived ideas of who I am and like me for me without the negativity JC brought with him.

For those of you new to my site, please go back and read some old posts, I truly went through hell with JC and through the recovery after leaving him but it was all worth it! you have to believe in yourself and in me, if I can come to this place against all odds so can you!!

This is a link to a post from July 2012 about the narcissist and his new woman I thought worth recycling.

https://ladywithatruck.com/2012/07/10/how-do-i-move-on-after-the-narcissist

Advertisements

27 Replies to “Life After the Narcissist”

    1. 7yearsl8r,
      thank you I’m glad it hit the mark for you. Believe me when I say a year ago, I was living in hell, even though I didn’t want to go back to JC, I thought I would never recover from the financial and emotional damage being with him had done. There is no logical reason for me to be in the position of buying my dream home, it is nothing short of a miracle, my prayers answered.
      Hugs and prayers to you
      Carrie

      Like

      1. Just wow. Reading your articles are as if I’m reading my own diary. I have been with my now husband for 2-1/2 years. We just married 6 months ago and are now filing for divorce. The 2 years we were together we on and off with him leaving me every 2 weeks because of something I did or didn’t do to him or for him. He would get drunk and within a week or two he would show up at my door. And of course, I always let him in. then of course he throws in my face that I would never come to him and chase him so I must not love him. It’s always a game. I finally had started to move on and was actually dating someone else and one night he showed up drunk again and the guy I was dating was over. He kicked my door in, had a gun and said he would blow me away. I did call the cops only to drop charges the next day because I felt sorry for him. And then it happened….he asked me to marry him and promised to change and said he didn’t want to be that man anymore. He didn’t want to be a cheater and a manipulator. Hook, line and sinker. We were married 2 weeks later. it was good for about 2 weeks and right back to the real.person he is. He was staying out all night and still leaving every 2 weeks threatening divorce. One night he stayed out all night and the next day I got onto his Verizon account and called a number that he was texting every day and all day. It was a girl that he had history with when we were dating. Of course it was my fault for snooping and being sneaky. Once more I took him back. Nothing changes. 2 days ago he left again and I’m praying that I can be strong. I just keep trying to remind myself of all the bad things. The lies, the other women, the drinking and staying out all night. Right now I just can’t even imagine my life with anyone else but I still know that he is so toxic. He stole all my Harley clothes because he doesn’t want me wearing something he bought if I’m with another man. he took every last shirt..even the ones that I bought or received as gifts from family. I suppose they are just clothes so if he wants them he can have them. I know that I’m not the same person I was. I’m no longer that carefree, fun loving, happy person I was only 2 years ago. I’m stressed, tired and emotionally drained. I walk on eggshells all the time. Im short with my kids anymore and have put their needs second. Im ashamed for allowing myself to do this to my kids. My family and friends tell me all the time me they can’t believe I keep putting up with him and how strong and independent I have always been. It’s amazing how good they are at manipulating you into believing it’s all you. One day at a time is all I can do. Trying to be positive and focus on myself and my children. Wish me luck on being strong.

        Like

        1. Sheila, please, be strong. You have no idea how fast 10 years can fly by and how much more you can lose when you think you have nothing left to lose.
          They do not change, believe me!! No contact is the only way to get rid of them and to start to heal. Believe I tried it all. I lived on hope until I had none left. Be strong girlfriend! there is life after a narcissist. Keep reading, the posts and the comments, you will be amazed at how many people have the exact same story. There are women here I never thought could be saved they were so hooked on the narc but they eventually broke away and were so happy they did. It feels like you are going to die but you don’t and life is so much better once the black cloud of narcissism is away from your head.
          Hugs and Welcome!!
          Carrie

          Like

    2. Thank you so much for your blog….it has been SO helpful and has helped me heal thru the pain of a Narcissistic Abusive Relationship. I was with him for 7 years, 6 years living separate and then 1 year married, until I couldn’t take the daily abuse any longer. The abuse that I “allowed” and made excuses for for 6 years while living separately, now became a nightmare to which I could not escape at all now that I was married and living together. I have since recovered – but I am for the first time terrified to trust anyone, date anyone, believe in anything – especially the way a guy may treat me “nicely” because my Narc had me so fooled and I thought he was genuinely nice, loving, kind etc… So how do I know if the next guys that I date are “real genuine nice guys” or really a hidden Narc? So confused now what to trust 😦 Thank you in advance for your help.

      Like

    1. Noeleen, when I read that statistic the other day I was blown away.
      There were times in my life I really thought I surely would die of a broken heart but certainly didn’t think it could happen for real. I certainly don’t tell just anyone that JC literally broke my heart, they would think.I was nuts, but anyone who has suffered abuse knows it wreaks havoc with a person’s body in so many ways. As I am sure you know.
      JC would problem get quite a shot of narcissist supply out of thinking he caused my heart failure, he’s sick that way. Whereas a normal person would be horrified to think they did that to someone.
      Thanks for stopping by Noeleen, I hope all is well in your corner of the world!
      love and hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  1. ***I wasn’t with a man I respected, how can you love someone you don’t trust, don’t respect, and can’t be yourself with?***

    My sister, Kay, has said this exact thing many times. She also said “I hate him. I hate him.”

    she stayed until he killed her.

    xx

    Like

    1. Kim,
      That gives me chills, so many times I felt JC could kill me and I told myself I was being silly, overly dramatic. It was after reading your blog I realized the fire I had been playing with. Whenever I have someone come to my blog who is concerned for her safety I direct them to your site. I have shed many a tear reading your posts, I am sure your efforts have saved more lives than you will ever know.
      Thank you for sharing that.
      I used to say I hated JC also, I just wanted him to drop off the face of the earth, he seemed to hate the fact I was breathing his air why wouldn’t he just go away.
      I am so sorry Kay stayed too long, I am sure, like me; she couldn’t make herself believe he was capable of murder. the chicken shit bastard.
      Hugs to you Kim
      Carrie

      Like

  2. Fantastic! Well said Carrie. Makes me wonder if I was ever truly in love with him or just in love with how he made me feel so loved. I don’t miss him……I miss that feeling.

    Like

    1. KJ, that is half the battle, figuring out that you don’t miss him; you miss loving him. I can’t say exactly when I stopped missing loving him but it does happen. I do have a feeling of something is “missing” , I never cry about him, or my life without him and I don’t miss him. Its like when someone takes something out of your house, and you walk in and know something is missing but you don’t know what, you just know someone has been there and taken something from you, you have been violated.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

      1. True. One thing for sure is I am looking forward to spending the next 5 or more years on my own. No desire for another love. I was on my own 11 yrs before him. I was just fine and will be again. I can feel it happening. Thank you.

        Like

  3. It’s the same for us men that think we can’t live with our N’s either. I can’t believe just how happy and free I feel now that I’m free of mine. I’m officially divorced as of April 1, 2013 (yes, April Fool’s Day) and afte 18 years with my N.Guess what? she’s already engaged to the next victim.

    Like

    1. TripX, thanks for the input. I know we don’t discuss female N’s very much but they do just as much damage as the male N’s and male victims suffer just as much as female victims.
      congratulations on your new freedom, isn’t it wonderful to be free of all the drama and lies? I appreciate the simple things in life so much more now. I value honest, honorable people so much more.
      It takes awhile but when a victim finally reaches the point of being healed life is so much sweeter than ever before. Do you find yourself being so much more appreciative of the simple pleasures of life?
      I love you were divorced on April Fools Day, how fitting is that?!!!
      wishing you love and peace.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  4. Too ladywithatruck, I would so love to speak with u! I’m a male age 42, was married for 20 years, divoiced for almost ,4 just got out of an abusive relationship physical and mental from a woman ,10 years older, I’m not feeling much better yet, she also lives in one of my rentals 3 blocks away . Police have removed her a few times from my personal residense, why is it that I feel so guilty ? She was the one being arrested, I never even had a speeding ticket before, somehow she has managed to destroy my relationship with my family and my ,10. Year old baby girl dosnt wanna come over anymore even with her gone? Broke up at least 100 times past year, first year was great with her then it was like jekel / Hyde all of a sudden plus she drinks until she continues to fall down every night! I have a lot of common sense and a pretty hi iq, but feel extremely stupid for alowing this to happen hell I didn’t even know what a narrassit was until I was trying to figure out on net why she was acting the way she was, also my research indicates she probably has unipolar, skitzoaffective disorder and either add, or social path or phyco path I almost died and still love the crazy Ass? Y Idk can u help with advice? I’ll pay u for ur time ty Shaw.n

    Like

    1. Shawn, I am so sorry for what you have been going through, a narcissist/psychopath can drive a person insane! Getting sucked in by one has nothing to do with how intelligent you are and everything to do with how empathetic and forgiving you are. Have you seen a counsellor? I am not a counsellor, just someone stumnling along trying to heal like the people who come here. I don’t charge for the advice and support I give. I just hope that by sharing my experiences I save someone else from making the same mistakes, but I in no way a replavement for professional help.
      My best advice to you would be to go through my posts and not only read thd article but also the comments, you will see how every victim goes through almost the same emotions and every narcissist takes the same steps, a narcissist (I call them narcissist’s but they are called; psychopath or sociopath no matter what you call them they are the only disorder that has no conscience and tjst is what sets them apart from bipolar, add and other personality disorders)only goal is to destroy tou any way they can, once they have done that they will discard you and coldly move on to the next victim but will continue to toy with the past victim until they get bored.

      The biggest challenge the victim faces is excepting that the N never loved them, never will love them and incapable of changing.

      Your daughter won’t come over because she is sick of the drama and doesn:t believe she is really gone because you’ve taken the bitch back so many times. It is exavtly what the N wants, she hates anyone else getting your attention. Your daughter probably feels like you have chosen the bitch over her and she is probably hurt and pissed. You will be able to regain her love and trust if she sees you are truly done with the N and end all contact. Most kids are pretty forgiving and it sounds like she probably gve ypu many chances and in her eyes you lied to her. You lied to her unconsciencely (sp) every time you left the N and took her back.Your daughter doesn’t trust your word any more. And the facts are; she’s right to not trust you.

      I am going to be terribly blunt and believe I don’t judge you because I have apologized to my son for the mistakes I made when I was with the N. I didn’t put my son first at times and he had moved out and was 19, but your child should come first, especially a 10 yr old.

      It is never easy to leave a narcissist, never!! Because they can turn on the charm and manipulates by using a person’s compassion and caring. The only way to stop their control over your life is no contact!!! She lives in a rental of yours and thst is scary, does she pay her rent on time? If not evict her, get a restraining order if tou have to, change your phone number and if that isn’t possible screen your calls. If you are afraid to anger her she still controls you, whether you kkow it or not she is already working overtime to ruin your reputation, tjere

      Like

      1. There is no way to avoid it. In order to get her out of your life is to cut her out completely. Every time you take her back you lose credibility and the respect of your family, friends and the police.

        God only knows what she will try to do to destroy you if you cut the ties that bind you to her but she will destroy you no matter what, if you think you can somehow have a amicable split from an N you are sadly mistaken. BUT to stay wiyh them will dedestroy you also becausr they don’t give one shit about you, only what they can get from you

        Come here often, we all understand how difficult this is.
        You CAN do this, for your daughter if nothing else.
        Hugs
        Carrie

        Like

        1. Shawn,
          I feel for you man. Carrie speaks the truth. It is hard, but well worth it. Healing takes time and a lot of support from friends and family. I wish you strength and courage.

          Like

  5. Carrie Riemer I can tell you how much your blog has come to me at the right time!!
    I have been dating an N for 6 months now and He lives in San Diego and I live in Los Angeles. I am a biochemistry major from a top university in California and have always been on top of my priorities, but for the first time in my life I have COMPLETELY lost control over my feelings, emotions, focus and desire to want to live. I have become a living walking talking zombie. The N is a MASTER manipulator, I got fired from my job at a dental office, where I worked with the top notch dentist and now they fired me because I’m not reliable and I’m in a different world. They’re right, my head and heart has been in a different universe, I cannot focus on anything in my life and I have distanced myself from my loving twin sister who wants to protect and who I have blamed to suffocate me.
    When this whole time she warned me about Ns lies, lack of empathy and cold heartedness. N refuses to come down to visit me, so I go visit him two hours away from home. Which is $45 gas each drive. Every time I go it is after we have gotten into a fight where he has ignore my phone calls and caused me to make spontaneous trips to go see him just so I can feel ok. If I don’t see him it feels like a stabbing wound and I can’t stop thinking about the pain, not knowing what the cause it.
    The most mind boggling thing of all is N has two roommates and two best friends with whom he has spread lies and gossip about me, everytime they see me I feel the strangest feeling in my gut, it sounds like paranoia but I know he has gossiped about me. All the time denying and telling me “I’m paranoid,” and “I’m playing mind games” and “my mind is clouded.” He has turned his friends against my best friend who is my twin sister, and convinced them she is shallow and evil. N loathes me and he loathes her loving me. When I’m at his house, I feel this indescribable feeling of isolation as if everybody “knows” something about me that I do not, so when he leaves to work I lock myself in his room because I do not want to run into his friends. They don’t say hello and they look at me weird and it gives me an anxious feeling. It’s not just a couple friends, it’s ten-15 people including his family who behave this way.
    One week ago on New Years was the day I decided Im right and my “suspicions” are my intuition speaking loudly to me.
    The one I keep pushing away, it’s screaming at me to wake up and I keep denying it.
    N is obsessed with surfing and says it his “religion” and he bought me a wetsuit for Christmas so I can join him in surfing, something I must do if I want to connect with him.
    On December 30th, the day before New Years Eve, we were supposed to go to his parents house for lunch which he reportedly said “he misses it only once a year.” He calls his brother infront of me to tell him he cannot attend he Sunday lunch because its too far of a drive and he wants to go surfing before the sun goes done, and how he is angry at how they don’t change the lunch time to 12:00 pm rather than 2:00 pm, and he complained to his brother how he always late anyway and there is no point in coming. Gas is too expensive he says, the drive is too long.
    I asked him if his parents knew I was in town and he said no, not giving me any explanations. He usually always takes me to his parents house but for the last month has been avoiding to do so at a costs.
    So we go surfing at the most dangerous spot with risky weather, sunset cliffs.
    It’s super windy, the waves are crashing and the tiding is getting higher. We pick up his best friend who never gives me eye contact, but surprisingly greets me with a smile. He is going to take his camera and record while we surf, and I unaware, ofcourse, of the dangerous surfing conditions. N and I go down, climb rocks and stairs where debris of rocks start falling down on our head, and the water/rocky ground so slippery from moss. I wore the brand new wetsuit he bought me for Christmas and went out there surfing with N. I looked around to search for newbies like myself but so only adults who looked like professionals. He advised me to go really deep in the water, as far as I could, and told me he’d follow… I was terrified.. I was shaking, something didnt feel right. it was my intuition tugging at my heart again. he looked at me with big eyes and a smirk and said “you know Theresa (his best friends girlfriend) would never do this” implying that its risky and hes joyous how he fooled me into coming out to surf, He said i wouldnt have come out any other way. he kept pushing me into waves and suddenly I realized how he had fooled me to come out and started crying in the middle ocean while heading back, with three massive waves crashing onto me and hitting me across the rocks, where we were very close to. At the moment i clearly remember vowing to bravely accept death if it comes my way. Luckily my head did not hit any rocks, we began to make our way back to shore and the tide was really high by then. His best friend was there awaiting, acting as if nothing happened. Calm and relaxed. I told him I was terrified out there and he acted surprised to hear this . Although he meditates at the oceans and knows the waves inside and out. … N said than I can chose any restaurant since I was brave to go out. That night he petted my hair like a little girl,, approving my risky surf behavior, and told me “I care about you a lot.”
    The next day on New Years Eve, we went to the mall to shopping. There’s nothing he resents more than going to the mall. He complained to my choice of music and was grumpy the entire drive there. It got worse once we got the mall. He came inside the store with me and criticized the material of the clothing. He waited by the bench near the fitting rooms where I told him to wait and see what I try on, instead he angrily stomped out with hatred in his eyes.
    I continued to shop with a heavy feeling of pressure to rush, he continued to complain and insult everybody at the mall for being so superficial. He attempted to make me feel great guilt, he succeeded. That night 5 hours before New Years rolled around, my sister got a bad feeling in her stomach and demanded me to come home, I considered it and told him I’d be leaving and he told me not to. He told me to stay away from my sister and how she is not “healthy” for me. I decided to stay and leave the next day, which was a mistake. My twin sister was right, she always is. (Identical twins share a “cord” that is woven in the embilical cord during birth, causing an unexplainable bond).
    I told him not to drink himself to intoxication, because I can’t stand to deal with his anger when he’s drunk. He ended up drinking smashing 22-25 beers in 3 hour that night, where I drank as well and got sick everywhere in the bathroom. I had a massive headache, dizzy eyes and stomach cramps. His friends came in and started turning on the lights and yelling. I told him to stop the noise because I was gonna puke again, he brushed me off. Given my ill conduction, I blurted “my ex would have been considerate” and so he comes towards with water in his mouth, opens the sheets and sprays it all over my hair and face. He violently curses at me and sleeps with his back against me the whole night. The next day I told him what he did was not acceptable and he kept telling me I’m impossible to deal with and unstable. We meet up with his best friend and gf. I tell them how it i felt uncomfortable with them barging in while I was trying to sleep last nite, and the gf told me she will let my feelings settle and provide a “different” perspective, rather than feeling empathy like a normal person would. They continued to eat lunch nothing happened, and agreed wed all head to the beach. My sister called me on his phone and I went to speak to her, I checked through his phone and I saw that he is communicating with his two ex gfs whom he claimed to be really “superficial” and “terrible people”
    Once N took me home, I took my car and left home. He said “drive safe” expecting me to return by reverse psychology, acting cold and callous, which usually worked on me when he did it.
    I believe N was such a good manipulator that he manipulated his friends to think I’m a crazy, unstable girl, and my sister is taking me away from him. But they still wanted me to hang around so they can mess with my head. It’s a sick game these three friends shared, that I don’t understand to this day. I finally spoke against the gf of his best friend telling her how I feel she is considerate, N textes me to her rescue to shut me down and belittle me.
    He completely shut me out, which I’m very thankful for.
    His friends are all manipulated by his sick games, and I can’t bear his contradictions anymore.
    Two days I later I return to work to get fired from my job. What a way to start the new year.

    Like

    1. Secret writer, bless your sister!! Stay away from this guy! I can not stress it enough!! No contact is the only way to get over them. I know it feels like you will die from the pain of it but they have no conscience, no empathy, life is a sick game of manipulation and seeing how far they can push you. His friends are apathetic and he has swayed them with lies and you are right he is slandering you behind your back And you feel paranoid because you sense this thus acting paranoid and making his lies more believable. This is a no win situation for you and your only chance of a happy life is to severe all ties. It is not too late to recoup your career and have a wonderful life. Stay with him and he will eventually discard you and you will have lost your sister, career, friends, and worst of all your self respect and dignity.

      Have no doubt that if you go no contact he will show up begging you to come back. He will apologize for everything he ever did wrong, profess his undying love maybe even propose and cry real tears. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. They almost all do it and the abuse is way worse if you go back. Listen to your sister!!!
      It will be hard at first, I won’t lie to you but the longer you are away from his influence the clearer your head will be and you won’t want to talk to him.
      Come here any time if you need to talk, everyone here has been where you are and is willing to share their experiences to show you that you are not alone. There are many women here who have gone back many times me included and every single one of us will tell you to run and never look back.
      Read lots, there is lots of good information on the net but lots here also. Read the comments as well as the posts because there is good information and advise buried in the comments and replies. You will find yourself saying OMG that sound like they were living my life.
      I am so glad you found us.
      Welcome

      Big hugs
      Carrie
      You are mother alone or crazy!!!!

      Like

  6. I really needed to read this article, He left yesterday to go drinking and forgot his keys. he was 5 mins down the road. i sent him a text explaining, I was going to my friends house, (1st time in 3 yrs i have been somewhere without him).
    I came home around 1am, my neighbour had an idea he was hitting me and whispered he was at the back of the house, he had been trying to kick the door in and she had called the police. He slapped me a few times for going out, and I hit him back this time. He had deficated at my front door, on the ground and up the walls and had smeared it over the door. I called the Police again, and he was arrested aand hopefully he spends Christmas in Jail. I will never ever take him back, he doesn’t work, throws tantrums, found him on sex dating sites and everything is my fault.
    I am ill with MS, and have been diagnosed with cervical cancer. He taunts me and tells me to deal with it. He hates when i do things without him looking the good guy.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Like

  7. i divorced my narcissist ex husband nearly 2 years ago and i still yearn for him, why why why ? it still devastates me every single day. i have to see him almost every day because we share custody of our two children ( i was scared he would kill the children if i did not give him what he wanted ie half custody) i have tried so hard to see other people but compare them to how he made me feel when we first met. i understand its not real. he is so cold towards me as if the past 20 years that we were together are nothing, not important. i am so lost and alone, i have no friends thanks to him, no family no one.

    Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s