Did you know that women who have been in an abusive relationship are 70% more likely to have heart disease?
It is almost like I am the poster child for “why you need to stay away from the narcissist in your life”.
Because of my devotion to JC, my determination to make it work, my belief that what we had was special and my faith that the “real” JC was kind and loving; I have jeopardized everything good in my life.
I get a little frustrated sometimes with women who come in here thinking they can’t go on without the N in their life, I understand totally how they feel I just get frustrated that I can’t convince them they will survive and life WILL be so much better the sooner they walk away.
I remember thinking I couldn’t live without JC in my life, I remember thinking all I needed was to have him hold me and as long as I was with him I would be happy. I had never felt that way before, never loved so unconditionally, never wanted a man like I wanted him, no matter what was going on in our life there was never a day I wasn’t happy to see him come home, never a time I didn’t want to make love to him. Why? what gave him that control over me? I don’t know exactly, a combination of things I suppose, the gas lighting and the conflicting messages I continually got. He could make me feel like the best thing that ever happened to him, he could act so impressed with me and appear to be my biggest support, I never felt more totally accepted by anyone in my life. I was totally myself with him (at first) and he seemed so enamored with me, we could talk for hours, I loved his intelligence, I thought he was the sexiest man I had ever been with and when we would fight it would consume me, I couldn’t think, I would cry so hard I couldn’t breath, I would call him and he would come and get me and hold me and everything would be ok again.
I am not some naive young girl who had never been in love, I had been married 3 times, I had dated lots! I had men of every description asking me out, I was attractive, confident and independent so what was it about him that consumed me for over 10 years? I loved loving him. His approval, his love meant everything to me, I lived to please him, his anger and disapproval cut like a knife and his “love” made me feel like the most desirable woman in the world.
Recently I was talking to a new friend and she couldn’t understand why I kept going back to JC and I couldn’t explain it, I went back when I knew he was lying, I stayed even though he hit me and acted like he loathed me. I didn’t need him, I always did better financially without him, he had nothing to offer me that I couldn’t get elsewhere and better.
In all honesty I doubt I will ever love like that again but I don’t want to, whatever power he had over me scares me. And the thing is I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t living the life I want to live, I wasn’t with a man I respected, how can you love someone you don’t trust, don’t respect, and can’t be yourself with?
This is happy! this is being myself, this is doing what I like to do, this is living a life worth living. This is what I wanted for him and I but refused to admit we would never have. No more drama, no more trauma, no more fear, no more angry neighbors, no more second guessing, no more snooping to find the truth, no more walking on egg shells.
I have become friends with the daughter and her husband of the people JC and I were buying the house from 12 years ago when we moved to Hatzic. I was hesitant to meet them because I knew there were hard feelings because of JC. I was hesitant to move to the resort because of the past, it tends to follow you and JC always came on as such a great guy with everyone in the beginning and all his relationships ended the same way, with people accusing him of lying and stealing. Our life together was always one drama after another.
Six months after moving in I have made friends with people who had preconceived ideas of who I am and like me for me without the negativity JC brought with him.
For those of you new to my site, please go back and read some old posts, I truly went through hell with JC and through the recovery after leaving him but it was all worth it! you have to believe in yourself and in me, if I can come to this place against all odds so can you!!
This is a link to a post from July 2012 about the narcissist and his new woman I thought worth recycling.