He Wants to Try Again

Another post from the not to distant past but for those of you who are new here you might find it useful, it seems a lot of people are struggling with
no contact right now.

An Apology is Only an Apology if There is Change

Posted on March 24, 2013

As most victims of narcissistic abuse you have probably spent hours surfing the net collecting all the information you can on the subject. You are amazed at how your partner fits the description to a tee, right down to the fact that he never apologies, of sure he’s given “apologies” like: “I’m sorry you made me do that” “If you hadn’t done …….. I wouldn’t have done >>>>>>>” , “If I got sex more at home I wouldn’t look elsewhere”, any way you have been there and know what I am talking about.

So when he calls out of the blue or shows up at your door after no contact for weeks or maybe even months and is crying and looks like a little boy who’s lost his mother and begs you to talk to him for just a few minutes, you cautiously let him speak. After all you are curious, you have never seen him quite like this, crying, contrite, remorseful, you’ve never seen him vulnerable.

For the first time ever he apologizes for everything he ever did wrong, his hands shaking, tears streaming down his face and you think he must mean it, he has never let himself be vulnerable like this and you love him so much.

You have been away from him long enough that you are going back to the way you were before you met him, you are calm, rational and logical and you can look back on the relationship and are shocked at how you responded to some situations in the relationship. It was so unlike you to snoop, be suspicious, cry all the time, go into rages because you were so frustrated, you just weren’t yourself. So when he starts to admit all his errs; you, being the fair, understanding honest person you are; take responsibility for your part in the relationship’s  troubles. The two of you talk just like you did in the beginning, open and honest and it feels so good, you really feel he must be sincere. You don’t want to punish him, you want to forgive and forget and he is asking if you can just put the past behind and take it from here. You know how hard to would be for him to ever admit fault, surely he wouldn’t do that if he didn’t really mean it, after all you have stayed away, you didn’t beg him, he came to you all on his own.

If he was a normal person you would be right, he must mean it, BUT he is a narcissist!! and a narcissist will say and do anything to get what he wants at the time. He has studied human nature and he has saved his best for last, he would prefer to not use contritiness and vulnerability to get what he wants but when he is lacking ns and needing a boost to his ego, or money or a place to live he will resort to anything; besides he can always deny ever saying it later.

But right now in front of you, with pleading eyes full of love and not loathing, with words coming out of his mouth you never thought you would hear, making promises of undying love and faithfulness how do you walk away? What if he really does mean it? what if you walk away and he really has changed? how will you know if you don’t give him another chance? WHAT DO YOU DO??

Well, you could come on this site or any other site on the net that talks about loving a narcissist and ask if anyone has met a narcissist that apologized and what happened and you would be told by everyone to RUN!!! BUT you still cling to the belief that, although he fits the description of a narcissist to a T, and the last time you were with him all but killed you; you are different from every other woman who has been involved with a narcissist. YOUR narcissist is capable of love, he is just confused and hurt from his past, you can tell he loves you, you two have a special bond, something those other women didn’t have. You feel sorry for them and he did treat you horribly but deep down you always knew he loved you and now he realizes it too. Go ahead, he’s lying to you, might as well join the party and lie to you too.

Hey! I am not criticizing you for wanting to believe him; I have done it 3 times!! Finally the 4th time I found the balls to walk away, but I still didn’t do it to his face, I sent an email to him and his new woman telling him to stay away. The really sad thing is that once you have heard the first apology every one after that is exactly the same and you want to look behind your back and see if there is someone holding up cue cards.

so cherish the first one; it’s easier to believe the lie when it isn’t an instant replay.

OK Ok I know, you really want to know what to do and I am being sarcastic and a smart ass, sorry.

Let’s look at this as rational, mature, intelligent women dealing with a normal, caring, honest, man who is truly remorseful. The only reason you wouldn’t want to look at it that way is if you truly are lying to yourself and don’t believe him but you don’t want to face the truth. Hey got that t-shirt also. “If I challenge him, if I make him work for my trust, if I make him accountable, if I don’t make it easy he might not stay.” you can also lie to him and yourself and say, “I forgive you but the first time you cheat, hit me, ………. fill in the blank; I am out of here, this is the last chance.” Go ahead, say it like you mean it because you know you won’t walk away once you recommit, you are going to hang on even tighter. And sure you can promise top not snoop or be suspicious because you have been away from him long enough to forget the things that MADE you suspicious but once you are back together he will go back to his old ways and guess what, you will be expected to trust him explicitly and keep your end of the bargain even though he isn’t.

But we are talking about a normal guy who realized that he treated you like crap and wants you back. For one thing, I hate to break it to you but a normal guy just doesn’t switch between being an asshole and being a nice guy; he just doesn’t. A normal guy might have an affair but he doesn’t abuse and criticize every aspect of you, a normal guy doesn’t call you every name in the book, discard you like a used condom (a normal guy uses a condom an N doesn’t have to because you should be willing to die for him) and then show up all sorry because a normal guy would never be that cruel, he wouldn’t think of it. but we are pretending so we will carry on.

What is an apology and what are your responsibilities should you accept the apology? An apology is in my mind; a promise to not do it again. An apology is admitting you were wrong and changing your behaviour.
Now the forgiver, if he chooses to forgive has some obligations also, they can’t forever more hold the offense over the other person’s head, they can’t expect the person to continue to apologize over and over again, wear sack cloth and ashes forever more and the forgiver can’t bring up the old offenses in new arguments, lay guilt trips or play games like tit for tat. BUT the forgiver does not have to jump in with both feet with only the word of the narcis……sorry normal guy’s word that he has changed.

A normal guy will know he has to earn your trust again and be willing to do just that.

You want to forgive him, set some boundaries and STICK TO THEM, if he has changed he won’t have a problem with that.
Here are a few very logical and reasonable boundaries that should be put into place.

– he must be tested for STD’s and show you the results before you have unprotected sex with him ever again. NO ACCEPTIONS!!! this is your life we are talking about and I don’t care if he says he didn’t have sex with anyone else, he has lied before and now he is/should be willing to prove his honesty. What has he got to worry about, why would it be an issue? hey you can get tested too if he wants right?

– Whatever the offense was, whether it was personal ads, a porn addiction, another woman he was seeing, him not acknowledging you on his Facebook, passwords on his phone MUST stop immediately!!! not it will stop when you trust him again, not when you change he will change. NO he came to you, he wants it to work, he fixes the problem. That means removing any personal ads immediately.

– You get total unrestricted access to his computer and phone. Privacy smancify, he was dishonest and now he can prove he is a changed man. If he has nothing to hide, he has nothing to hide plain and simple. Sure he can still hide stuff but it is not as easy and if you check enough times and never find anything eventually you will get bored and stop checking ( but just to be on the safe side check once in a while) If his phone rings and he is out of the room there is absolutely no reason why you can’t answer it, you are in a committed relationship and everyone he knows should know that, same goes for Facebook, or any other social media.

– No living together for one year, you are both adults and should be able to support yourselves and take care of your own needs, don’t let him slide back into the house where you are doing all the cooking, cleaning and compromising, let him take care of himself for awhile, he is a big boy and a “normal” guy will like being able to have you over to his place and cook you a dinner, he will like the independence and maybe will learn some talents that he will bring to the table when you do decide to move back in together.

– YOU maintain a life separate from his, friendships you maintain, girl friends you don’t put on the back burner because he wants to see you, he can find something to do for a night that doesn’t involve another woman. If you can’t trust that he can handle a few hours without you without chasing down another woman then there is no hope. “You went out for dinner with your friends and I was lonely so I put a personal ad on the net” is not an excuse, a normal guy would not even try to make you believe that horse shit, he would be afraid you’d throw something at him. NORMAL guys do not cheat because you weren’t there for a few hours let alone if you went on vacation for two weeks!! Come on!! we are being mature intelligent women now right?

– You in turn have to accept he might want to spend some time with the guys, deal with it………this is one area you have to fight the jealousy and insecurity. But you have every right to know where he is going, who with and when he will be home. You are allowed one phone call and he had better answer!!

– Any, I mean ANY signs of infidelity, put downs, or physical abuse (even intimidation like raising his fist or punching a wall) it is DONE!! no 3rd chances, no discussion, no excuses, no apologies, no blaming, call the cops if you have to, put his stuff on the curb and change the locks, change your number and call a girlfriend (because this time you have friends) tell her to bring the ice cream and cry your eyes out and be thankful you were smart enough to not swallow his lies hook line and sinker and you don’t have an STD and you will get over this.

Up to you to decide, do you trust his love? does he love you enough to prove it? scary isn’t it? I didn’t trust his love enough to test it and you know what? he didn’t love me, wish I would have tested it now.

  1. OMG!!! I shouldn’t be surprised still, but it does.. You do truly believe that because they are finally crying their eyes out they must really understand and are genuinely sorry… You do think that your love was deeper and more than any other… I’m so glad you have dashed all hope for me… That was really well written and spoke to me exactly how it is. Thank you so much came at the right time too.

    • You are welcome Nadine, I am so glad if I can help in any way. I know these things because I was you 3 years ago. I have studied up on narcissists but I think we need to look at what the victim is feeling too. We can learn all we want about the N and still feel it doesn’t quite apply to “us” that we are special. I really truly didn’t tthink JC ever cheated on me; I feel so stupid now; I believed all his feeble excuses. I read some where that if you think he isn’t cheating you just haven’t caught him yet. I thought to myself, well I KNOW JC loves me and he could never be with another woman and then come home to me. He would feel too guilty, I’d know. And i thought if he did cheat on me I would be able to walk away.
      Oh the amount of times I said, “A man would only ever hit me once, because I ‘d be out of there so fast his head would be spinning.”
      No one knows until they’ve been there. When I give people shit on here about going back or having feelings of self doubt it is not because I was so strong; its because I was so weak and I don’t want anyone to hurt like that if I can help it.

  2.  Trevor has not come back crying or begging yet. I hope that he never does. It will be hard to resist if it should happen and I just want to be done with him for good.
    • Deja Vuon March 25, 2013 at 10:58 aSo ladies, just to give a short background on this, Trevor moved here to be with me but has his own place here. As you may remember, I caught him on Friday night trying to spend the weekend with someone else and I have completely broken things off with him and I have been no contact since the day after. I received a text from him an hour ago stating that he is not waiting any fucking longer, he is selling everything and getting out of here and he ended it with “see ya”. This should be what I want but of course my emotions are messed up. If this relationship is over, and I know that it is, why should I care if he leaves? Wouldn’t him leaving this town be for the absolute best?
      •  Deja, give yourself a break! You are talking like some many people who say, “just get over it, he abused you, you should be happy he’s gone”.

        It doesn’t work that way. We can’t just shot off our feelings like that; if we could we would be N’s. you love this man, he betrayed you, more than once and yes it would be for the best if he left town but you are going to be sad, you want the relationship to work, you want him to love you and make it all better. But he can’t and woni’t. So you have to grieve the loss of the relationship, your shattered dreams and start to heal. It will take time.
        Btw I think he is faking it trying to scare you into begging him not to go.
        DON’T TAKE THE BAIT!!!

      • Of course it hurts Dejavu… Doesn’t just hurt it drives us in fucking sane!!! You want to shake them and tell them to wake the fuck up to themselves!!! But I’m seeing as you are, that it is a total waste of time. Mine does the same with the ‘cya’ texts… That’s been on the end of most texts for the past 3 months!!! That’s 3 months that I’ve been wasting but still can’t seem to stop myself. I’m getting stronger and stronger and it doesn’t break me so bad because I’m realizing that it is finally coming to the end. I’m starting to think that it will go on for as long as WE will allow it. They say they want 100% from us then they’ll change, but why would we give them 100% when you look at what they’ve done. It is such a vicious circle that affects every part of our life. We need to stop. It’s my birthday today so I got a Goodbye C..t text. I’m not going to reply. You need to do the same… Has anyone got any ideas of what you can do when u really want to text them back??
  3.  That’s so well written, and so full of experience. It’s a shame you had to gain the experience, but you’ve put it to very good use here. I just hope your life is a lot better now
    •  Countingducks, thank you. Hey!! I was sitting on my lounger, outside but the lake, with a site in the fire pit, drinking a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and I was counting ducks; yesterday!

      Life always has its twists and turns; I would say my life is the best its been in a very long time but I never take it for granted.
      Whenever I have gone through anything in life I have studied it, made it a life lesson and try to use it in a positive way. It makes it more bearable for me.

  4. grateful on March 25, 201very well said. is there a list out there somewhere of narcissistic men we’ve dated, so that others can be warned?
    • Grateful, believe me it has crossed my mind to start a list but how would you monitor it too make sure it wasn’t just vindictive ex’s trying to ruin their ex. A narcissist would be the perfect example of a person who would put his ex’s name accusing her of everything he did. There is a site called “The Dirty’ where people can post pics and full name of people and say whatever they want about the person. Once you post its there forever, mother even the person posting can remove it.

      Thing is not every one knows about these sites and you know the narcissist would just say its a vindictive ex and how would you know? Best to learn as much as you can about these sites”people” share your knowledge and when you meet someone be very aware of the red flags

      •  I have to apologize to every one who reads my comments; i use my cell phone for most of it and the autofill feature; you know how it types the word it thinks you are typing? Sometimes I don’t know how you know what I’ve typed when I read it late. I especially lived ghetto “we can’t shit our feelings like an N. O meant to say shut off but hey! Shit will do!!
  5. N magnet no more on March 25, 2013 at 6:04 pm said:
    Thank you so much for having this blog! just went into phase 2 on Friday morning and was totally shocked it had been going all very well except for the weird money problems and his ranty outbursts at other friends girlfriends. I knew he had some mom issues he was very up front I have a few mother issues myself as my mom and grandmother and also my younger sister are all N’s. I moved out of the house before graduating from high school because my mom was so terrible. We patched things up but over the years she has used any excuse to crush me I really didnt know why until my sister got married to a very nice doctor who inherited the mother in law from hell. I saw a radical change in my sister post child as she morphed into mini mom, and her husband was the one who called out narcissism. So over the last year I learned about the golden child/ scapegoat thing and I want to be there so my nephew doesnt have the family curse put on him as well but its almost impossible to talk Mom or my sister on any level they get very defensive and nasty. Anyway back to now I was seeing some weird behavior in D and so I ignored his comments about having special asthma and suggested he do things differently in the kitchen, he seems to ask for help then be hurt that ive criticized him, I was thinking it was insecurity and minor issues but after a perfect week including lots of sex he” just couldnt do this anymore”. I stayed calm because something in me remembered 18 years ago when i was dealt the same surprising news by the most perfect man ever. I knew both of these men had issues with their mothers, both were also damaged in some way but it wasnt till a couple days ago I realized the first boyfriend from hell was a Narcissist and i had just snuggled up to another one. In my defense since I carry some of these traits due to my own mothering it seems that my broken parts fit well with their broken parts and somehow the puzzle of misery is completed. I read your post about your grandma and thats where it started in my family as well. My grandma’s mother died giving birth to her and she was really never loved properly as a child. She had one daughter my mom who has passed on the unlove to my sister who now has a 3 year old son. It was so empowering to read your story and some of the other ladies posts. I know what to do to get out clean i have been seeing how to navigate with the women in my life and I feel almost like a puppet master in disentangling without getting into the back and forth which is so emotionally draining but i know im not dealing with normal. I had a surprise visit he came to drop off catfoood. I told him to let himself in while i was drying my hair and I closed my purse so i knew how the strap was drapped. when i came out of the bathroom he was in the kitchen i went into my room to change and sure enough the purse had been violated it looked like he was checking my phone probably reading texts i thought he might check to see how much money I have since he has recently drained me of my funds due to crisis after crisis then taking payment for work in non cash ways. It was the test of a normal man vs a broken man and he failed and he doesnt know I know I am just going to back out really slowly so not to startle him. I do see a huge problem in general, while psychiatry has gone more pharma we are raising multiple generations of broken toys. Serious emotional problems are ignored and society makes it easy to distract or self sedate ourselves through our problems. I believe it is part of the natural process to suffer and learn but this type of person is almost like a predator of normal nice giving, caring people, as if breaking us is the only thing that will satisfy them. Awareness is tough when you cant get the zombie to listen to reason. I am supposed to go tonight to pick up my things he has at his place that are mine, and I am starting to journal and expect some back and forth for a couple weeks but im moving away far enough to make it easier for him to find new prey,and I can go on with a great new chapter in my life.
  6. It makes me sad that you say so many valuable things, identifying traits, ways – and yet he still exists and continues on. Wish he would read this, learn, change. But that’s ridiculous, I know.

    Bless you, Carrie. You’re enormously strong. Dang, good on you, Lady.

  7. What she said right above this comment. Such good writing. Agree totally an apology is not an apology without walking the talk. Thank you for this reminder. We all need reminders so we don’t go down the same path with another user/abuser, even in our friendships, too. Well said, Carrie.
    • Noeleen and Janice, don’t know how I missed your comments earlier. Thanks so much for the encouragement and praise. As you both know, some times we write more from the heart than other times. This was one of those times and it can leave you feeling naked and raw; to know my words resonate with others motivates me to ” keep it real”.

      Thanks again
      Hugs xxx

  8. Carrie~ At the end of the blog you said you wished you would have tested JC’s love. Didn’ t you do that multiple times by going back? Am I missing something here???
    • Cindy; no I didn’t test his love. When he came begging me back time after time he would make promises but I never said, “time will tell” , i would take him back and we would start fresh. I would be proving MY love him by forgiving time after time but he never had to prove anything to me for me to take him back.

      The last time he came to me I laid out some rules; he had to be honest, faithful, and we both agreed thst’s this was the last time, there was no more breaking up. We had this wonderful romantic night like something out of a movie; we made all these commitments and promises and that was it; I forgave him, and started putting 110% into the relationship. I said I wanted him tested for STD’s but never pushed it for it or denied him sex until it was done. He said personal ads were wrong and he had removed his profile from POF, I never questioned it and were living together again when about 2 months into the relationship he used my computer and forgot to sign out and I discovered he had hidden his profile and was still actively looking for women. I had promised to stop snooping and lived up to my promises but he lied. I should have kicked him out and been done with him but I was already fully committed to him and he was such a huge part of my life immediately again. If I would have made him wait to move back in, made him wait for sex, if I would have waited to see if he really wS in for the long haul I probably would have found out that it was all bullshit before I was in over my head again. But I was afraid, if I made him wait to earn my trust I might lose him. Crap

      trjensen on May 16, 2013 at 12:29 pm said: I’ve been through this so much with last man I dated. I heard “Sorry” so often but nothing was evr adjusted. No changes were ever made to prove he didn’t really want to hurt me. The truth is he just didn’t care that I could be hurt by what he did. I am not sure he is even capable of caring.
  9. Sociopaths typically learn to mimic the emotions they know they should feel but never really feel them. The pick up on what the appropriate response looks like and mimic it. I feel bad for people like that.

    In the case of this man, I understand how he became how he is. It was a means of protecting himself. But my friend told me, “He is never going to give you what you need and what you deserve. He is capable of it. He can’t really love you. It isn’t something he feels, at least not the way you want him to.” He is absolutely right. That would be such a sad way to live.

    • Terry
      Sorry I missed your comment! Your friend is right; they aren’t capable of love, never will be. It is sad but and hard to believe because they are such good actors in the beginning, they seem to be such caring sensitive men when we meet them. But we have to accept that it eas just an act and cut our losses, lick our wounds and carry on best we can. At least we know we are capable of loving; they will never know that feeling.

  10. Rate This

    My ex ‘N’ waited four months after I moved out with our girls. His new relationship was on the rocks, and he tells me… ‘Just so you know I not with her because I want to be, I am with her because I have to be’. At this point he had already been on uneployment for 7 months. He lost his job after he relapsed with pain pills, then he lost the car and lastly the home, in which I left. So he needed this poor girl for her car, and a place to live, even though he spoke about her to me with complete disrespect. It actually sickened me, because he used me throughout our enitre relationship, mostly under the radar. How did I not know?

    He is always preaching to me about always putting the girls first… I am not doing my daughter any good for her allergies/asthma living out in the country, and visiting family members that have pets. He used this as manipulation, to be in control of when and how long my visits with family were. He bawls his eyes out everytime dropping my daughter off, which in turn sets her off. ‘We can’t do this anymore to our kids’ he will say. Now that I am neighbours with my sister, and in charge of my own time, he’ll throw a jab in wherever he can.

    He apologizes, cries, offers to go to counceling and I almost feel emotionless towards this. I am completely numb. I feel damaged, like I will never be in another relationship again. I loved him so much, but he put me through hell. He is one of those subtle poisons… I didn’t know what hit me. He had never hit me, or raised a fist, or really so much as even swore at me, so I never felt like I was in danger. But emotionally I was dying a little bit every day. When I really felt like we needed to work on our communication he would tell me I must be on my period. I need to stop worrying, I was too emotional. I listened to him for hours tell me about his life, yet I don’t think he hardly had more than a few minutes at a time to tell him about my life until I lost his attention. Then came the criticism. I was never clean and organized like his mother, I would never have a clean home, I sang with too much vibretto so I stopped singing which I loved, my hips were too high, my butt was too small. etc.

    I could never have friends over at my house. I was always too embarrased. He slept all day from 3am-6pm. My friends usually had young children, what do you do, tell the kids to quiet down because my spouse is sleeping? It took me 2 years to find out that he was an addict. We had bill collectors calling non stop, lost our hot water for 3 months. Where on earth was my money going? I worked full time and handed each paycheck over to him.

    Working full time running a home daycare 50 hours a week, running the house hold chores (cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids), while being pregnant took it’s tole on my health. However he never once offered to take a load off my shoulders. I could never be sick, never have one day off for myself… he would just say, your doing a good job. Even though he was unemployed he would just spend his day sleeping, playing video games, driving around and what i would later find out medicating himself.

    He left me for another woman. He sat down with me and told me, but at that point I didn’t care. I had spent the last five months preparing to leave him. I had much time to grief during that period. He was caught off guard I believe, by my lack of response. Later he blamed me that I didn’t fight for us.

    I am still numb. Perhaps I need therapy to deal with the pain that I can’t even bare to let out at this time. When he cries to me, I feel cold. He sounds like he’s giving a sales pitch. I’ll admit I may have slightly began to reconsider, but after reading this blog and keeping a very detailed journal for the last ten years… I stand firm in my decision to stay away.

    Thanks again Carrie!!! I have found tremndous support through your blog!! Keep it

    Reply from Carrie


    • You are welcome! Sorry for my slow response! 10 years of journals!! Good for you, when in doubt read them again! When I read mine I couldn’t believe how all the years were the same, over and over again like that movie Groundhog Day.
      You will be able to feel again; right now it is your defense mechanism kicking in. With some time you will be able to love again just be patient with yourself.

16 thoughts on “He Wants to Try Again

  1. Vaaly

    I can so much relate to all of you and I am so sorry that you also went through this hell. I met my very attractive and charming ex 3years ago on a dating site, on his first phone call I fell hook line and sinker for his charming voice and it started as only friendship.
    He was divorced only one week but told me they lived seperately for almost a year. The truth but also a lie, she still worked with him and slept with him on occasions. Cut all the details I met with the ex and realised that he was still more into her than visa versa, I was just on the rebound.
    When she left him he was lost with his Admin and I started helping him out,to her dismay. So many times did she cause me to pack up and leave him and leave the work behind, he was still so into her that he accepted it as ok. Everytime after I have left she dropped him again and then I was the one he contacted, I was head over heals and jumped when he said jump, on my bicycle and off to him to update his admin again. Never demanded remuneration for my services. He offered but I would not accept anything (stupid)
    It went on so many times I lost tract, it was as though I spiced their relationship for the moment I arrive she was over him and love all the way,the moment I left again she drops him. He could not see what she was really up to. I cut out numerous details inbetween
    She eventually sold her property and moved away, the peace was unbelievable. All of a sudden I was the love of his life (ha ha) but yes I. never went to him without him begging me for weeks,then I feel sorry again and the cycle started, must be a dozen times I travelled 500kms.
    We got engaged so many times and I would leave his ring there the moment that he had contact with her again, but only to go back after a while, all the love he has for me and what a special person I was??(Really??) Other times when I was unhappy about things he would rage and blame me for everything and calling me names etc, very abusive, I would then grab my things and go home again I was very very scared of his outburst and rages.
    This time was the longest ever 6 months we were together, he stopped drinking and we had the most awesome times but I realised that there were more obstacles than just the drinking and his ex. I could not trust him anymore,there was always some or other woman (mostly customers) excellend excuse in the picture that triggered that gut feeling, but being so clever he would laugh it away.
    He has a woman working for him for many years (10) and she became very slap dash in her work but he could never and would not listen to anything I mention regarding her efficiency, she knows all the details of what we did on weekends, always discussing me with her. He is also very scared to address anything she does wrong and if she is upset he would jump around to please her again. This was now going on for 3 years and could not mention anything regarding her then we would have a major fight he would go into a rage and call me names until I eventually apologise profusely.
    The day before I left she was suppose to give him a very important message,she did not but did not even apologise. He was very upset and raised his voice a little, I was quite surprised and thought well at least she can do something wrong in his eyes. The next moment he went to her but did not realise that my TV Screen was switch on, he apologised that he was upset and gave her a hug. That was enough for me and I realised that somewhere she has a hold on him and I would not settle for this behaviour any longer. I decided there and then to leave this time for good without even discussing this again because I cannot mention her name and we would have a fight so I am just leaving (while he was out) very scared cannot pack my things with him there.
    He did not contact me but it was his birthday so I sent him a whatsapp short and sweet. I was in a terrible state unhappy, upset but really wanted to be out of his life for good, too many baggage behind us. He started contacting me again but I still did not mention why I left and he continually nagged me. I then decided to tell him about the last scene I had witnessed and that it was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.
    He went into such a rage and started shouting and then put the phone down, sending me a very nasty whatsapp afterwards. I did not reply on that and we have had not contact, only a message he forwarded to me from our service provider, I also did not reply on that, I noticed last night that he blocked all my cell phone numbers, thanks I am so greatfull he is making it much easier for me this time?? I hope and pray that I can put this behind me this time. My entire family and friends all think he is so charming but I could not tell them the real truth, so sad.


  2. Tinisha Washington

    I’m having the same problems…it started slowly….then his mom moved in and I started to blame me….she’s taken over he’s like a child……he hides my keys so when I leave he can lock me out….i saved money to move he found a reason to use it for Christmas….he has children that I love….got me!!! Now he’s messed up my truck!!!!! Everything she describes I just went through!!!!except I didn’t leave and now his mom who by the way is worst the he is here with so many bags you can’t see the living room or dining room…please advice


  3. Shannon O'Neill

    I am still hurting and have .been for 3 months. I cant believe how many of you have been cheated on and it seems to be the number one reason why you left. l. Mine was texting and on the cell phone in front of me.
    I know he probably has another if not many in his harem unless he needs money , a place to stay, (sex he cant get it up). He n I were shopping, and that was the last straw when the verbal abuse pushed me over edge.
    He always said you will never leave me. I left and am scared to death of him contacting me and I cave and the pain starts again the healing is twice as bad, You want to believe it is real. But leopards never change their spots.



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