Exactly!!

lightening2

JC’s sister was living with us just prior to me moving out and said to me, “If you ever doubt you are doing the right thing leaving him I want you to remember one word,…..Exactly!”


Then she said, “Did that not make your blood run cold? I have had many fights with guys and I have never had anyone be that cold, amazing!! don’t ever doubt you are doing the right thing by leaving.”

In my mind one word kept repeating, EXACTLY, one word that summed up 10 years of abuse, disarmed me, and proved once and for all that my love was sadly, horribly misplaced.

It came during a typical fight. I had wanted a hug and he had pulled away from me, hurt I cried, “You know, just once it would be nice to get a hug, be told you love me, anything!!” and walked out of the room. His sister was sitting beside him at the kitchen table, we had never fought in front of people before but since she had been living with us he had relaxed. She had already stepped between us when he threw me on the couch and came at me with his fist raised to punch me because I had wanted to charge my cell phone. She had defended me against false accusations and tried to be the mediator.

Now she was on guard, feeling the tension in the room and afraid she would have to step in again she waited, her eyes flitting back and forth from me to JC. Behind me I heard him say, “That’s it!! It’s over!! I’ve had enough!!”

I spun around and said, “Enough!, enough of what?!”

JC didn’t even look up from the magazine he was looking at and spit out, “This”.

I was furious now,” This?? you are sick of this??? what? sick of me wanting some affection, sick of me wanting you to come to bed at night, YOU are sick of THIS?? Well I am sick of it too. You have screwed around with how many women, had personal ads, written love letters to Bridget..”

He interrupted me,” And what did you do?”

I was thinking “I forgave you, I loved you I am not in the wrong here” and said indignantly, “I stayed.”

JC looked me straight in the eyes over the rim of his glasses without lifting his head, his blue eyes were ice and froze me to the spot I where I stood: “Exactly!” and he went back to reading his magazine.

That one word shot through me like a lightening bolt fusing me to the floor and rendering me mute, I felt the tingle of blood rushing from my head, the wind knocked out of me. I looked at his sister who appeared frozen with her mouth hanging open. The silence was deafening, the fight was over, he had delivered the winning blow. My mind was scrambling trying to figure out what to say back and it felt like time stood still as I continued to stare at him as he read his magazine never looking up at me again. 

Finally I managed to speak and said,”Yes, yes I did.” and walked out.

I felt numb as his sister and I got in the truck and went to work, neither of us saying anything until she said, “If you ever doubt you did the right thing by leaving him remember one word, Exactly.”

It is only one word, a simply word,
not a swearing word or an insulting word,
It is actually a word of agreement, not an antagonizing word. Over the years he had called me a psycho bitch,
told me I was nothing but a black hole that sucked him dry and that no matter how much he gave or
what he did I wanted more.
He had called me a fucking cunt.
So why did it this simple word cut so deep,
branding into my heart?

Because it was the most honest word I had ever heard come out of JC’s mouth.
I knew he was right, and I had been a fool.

Advertisements

10 Replies to “Exactly!!”

    1. thank you Connie, its one of those times you never forget. When he showed up at my work about a year later professing his love I reminded him of what he had said. How could he expect me to come back to him after that? he has to be nuts, I was supposed to believe he had changed “this” time. Ha!! He said,” we were fighting. When people fight they say whatever they have to to win the fight.”
      I said, “No, not everyone does that JC, I don’t.”
      He had not a morsel of remorse.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. No worries Noeleen, I avoid him like the plague and everyone who knows me knows I don’t even want to know what he is doing. He is so evil I feel dirty and impending doom any time he is near me. Its been well over a year since I saw him and I like it that way.

      Like

  1. Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:

    I am going through posts looking for stuff I want to put in my book and came across this one. It was one of those pivotal moments in James and my relationship. I wrote this in 2013 and it happened in 2010, but it feels like yesterday when I read about it.

    Like

  2. Wow. That is so powerful. I have tears in my eyes from the feelings that brought back. I am so glad I am free. And I’m glad you are too. I don’t even know how to be that cruel.

    Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s