JC’s sister was living with us just prior to me moving out and said to me, “If you ever doubt you are doing the right thing leaving him I want you to remember one word,…..Exactly!”
Then she said, “Did that not make your blood run cold? I have had many fights with guys and I have never had anyone be that cold, amazing!! don’t ever doubt you are doing the right thing by leaving.”
In my mind one word kept repeating, EXACTLY, one word that summed up 10 years of abuse, disarmed me, and proved once and for all that my love was sadly, horribly misplaced.
It came during a typical fight. I had wanted a hug and he had pulled away from me, hurt I cried, “You know, just once it would be nice to get a hug, be told you love me, anything!!” and walked out of the room. His sister was sitting beside him at the kitchen table, we had never fought in front of people before but since she had been living with us he had relaxed. She had already stepped between us when he threw me on the couch and came at me with his fist raised to punch me because I had wanted to charge my cell phone. She had defended me against false accusations and tried to be the mediator.
Now she was on guard, feeling the tension in the room and afraid she would have to step in again she waited, her eyes flitting back and forth from me to JC. Behind me I heard him say, “That’s it!! It’s over!! I’ve had enough!!”
I spun around and said, “Enough!, enough of what?!”
JC didn’t even look up from the magazine he was looking at and spit out, “This”.
I was furious now,” This?? you are sick of this??? what? sick of me wanting some affection, sick of me wanting you to come to bed at night, YOU are sick of THIS?? Well I am sick of it too. You have screwed around with how many women, had personal ads, written love letters to Bridget..”
He interrupted me,” And what did you do?”
I was thinking “I forgave you, I loved you I am not in the wrong here” and said indignantly, “I stayed.”
JC looked me straight in the eyes over the rim of his glasses without lifting his head, his blue eyes were ice and froze me to the spot I where I stood: “Exactly!” and he went back to reading his magazine.
That one word shot through me like a lightening bolt fusing me to the floor and rendering me mute, I felt the tingle of blood rushing from my head, the wind knocked out of me. I looked at his sister who appeared frozen with her mouth hanging open. The silence was deafening, the fight was over, he had delivered the winning blow. My mind was scrambling trying to figure out what to say back and it felt like time stood still as I continued to stare at him as he read his magazine never looking up at me again.
Finally I managed to speak and said,”Yes, yes I did.” and walked out.
I felt numb as his sister and I got in the truck and went to work, neither of us saying anything until she said, “If you ever doubt you did the right thing by leaving him remember one word, Exactly.”
It is only one word, a simply word,
not a swearing word or an insulting word,
It is actually a word of agreement, not an antagonizing word. Over the years he had called me a psycho bitch,
told me I was nothing but a black hole that sucked him dry and that no matter how much he gave or
what he did I wanted more.
He had called me a fucking cunt.
So why did it this simple word cut so deep,
branding into my heart?
Because it was the most honest word I had ever heard come out of JC’s mouth.
I knew he was right, and I had been a fool.