What Crazymade Looks Like

Another post about “that” video, this time by Betty from Narc Raiders. Betty describes in detail what is truly happening in this video and says what I can’t find the words to say because even thinking about it causes such a strong reaction for me. Even reading her post had my heart racing, I had to keep reminding myself to relax because I had a death grip in my phone and my whole body was tense, I wasn’t breathing. But education is imperative to ending abuse, hopefully if we expose this guy to be the abuser he is society will see the abuse that often goes on undetected because the abuser has succeeded in making the victim look crazy.

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14 Replies to “What Crazymade Looks Like”

  1. That video has sent chills down my spine. Yes, it triggered for me. I remember so clearly how my exN would calmly push all my buttons until I was a shrieking, melting wreck. He would then say, “Gee, you’re just not worth my time,” or “You really are such a manipulative …. ” I hated him so much for how he never gave me an inch of respect. Thanks to God my life is calmer now. I just hope that poor woman gets out.

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    1. Iona, if a person hasn’t been there they just don’t understand how crazy a person can get. My ex would disappoint me all the time, he used to sabotage my vehicle so either it wouldn’t run at all or break down on my way and he would have to rescue me.
      In the vehicle he would make me crazy by accusing me of something not true or badgering me for money until I cracked. I would be so upset I just wanted away from him. Sometimes I would demand he let me out of the car and he would leave me behind. He would refuse to answer his phone and I would end up walking miles in the dark to get home.
      So very glad I never have to deal with that again.
      Thanks for your comment.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. I’m here to say that it does eventually get better. I didn’t watch the whole video either but only because it would have been a waste of time since I knew this scene by heart. I can’t tell you (and probably don’t need to) how low my self esteem had dropped from when we first met to when the ex divorced me. It has taken me 6 years to finally start to feel ok again. If you don’t make the same mistake and you take care of yourself first you WILL heal.
    When I first met his family one of the aunts remarked “This one can sure take care of herself!” I thought it was a reference to his first wife who (at the time I thought) was a wuss. I was strong, independent, had lots of friends, and was very upbeat. By the time he divorced me 37 years later I was beaten down, no friends, no money or way of making any, disabled and a total wreck. The one good thing he did was get my mom and I on speaking terms again. Ironically I had cut ties because her second husband was a control freak. Mom and I have become better friends now through all of this.
    I do think that while an NPD can not fundamentally change they can learn to modify their behaviour. After our divorce, my ex lost all his money and the g/f left him. He started to insinuate himself back into my life in little ways (kids, house etc) but I am back to the person I was when he met me and he realized that I won’t give ME up again for anything. He is meeker now, not as quick to yell and I can see he is trying; but if this had come 10 years ago I would have welcomed it-not any more. I finally have peace in my life.

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    1. KL, I can appreciate what you are saying and I know I had a fairly lengthy period of time with JC that made me think he had changed. I am not saying your husband hasn’t changed, I hope he has.

      A Narcissist can be very sweet and endearing, humble and contrite if you keep th at arms distance. Personally, he had wanted to break up for the 4th time and I had had enough. I had started my business and was totally independent again. He started coming around after he lost his job, very humble
      I let him in my life under MY rules. I thought he had finally learned his lesson but I laid down the law. He was not allowed to bring anything in my house or be in my house when I wasn’t home. I didn’t cater to him at all, I didn’t rush home to cook supper and he started to cook. He bought me flowers and told me he loved me all the time. It was easier for him to lead a double life because we weren’t living together and I thought he really loved me. He never even came close to hitting me gore over two years. But I was holding back, I was growing to live him again and wanted to relax and not always ve on guard. Plus he would say it was so hard to feel so unwanted.
      With time we slowly got back together and once he knew I was in love with him again the abuse started all over again only worse this time.
      I just don’t believe they change, you may be able to get them to act differently by laying down the law and they can pretend for an amazingly long time. Nut eventually you will let your guard down and their mask will fall.

      He is low right now, lost his new source, broke, no job,you have something he needs and he will put on the act to manipulate you into accepting him back.

      I have thought in the past that I knew him so well I could anticipate his actions and protect myself, I didn’t allow him to work on my truck, I didn’t think he would go out and sabotage it while I slept. I paid my own way, for my truck repairs and groceries etc but when my truck wouldn’t start and I couldn’t work I counldnn’t afford the repairs and the cycle began.

      Also a normal relationship has levels that are reached over time, with an N you never get to that comfortable level where you are totally relaxed and able to be yourself, trust him, enjoy loving him. And I know I want that or nothing. But you are an adult with more experience dealing with an N than I do.

      I wish you all the luck in the world but please very careful, you are playing Russian roulette with the devil.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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      1. I probably didn’t make myself too clear before, sorry :-/ What I meant was that because they don’t change but can learn how to HIDE certain things it might make it SEEM like they have changed. I know he never will change, but if we need to be civil to each other because of certain social obligations I think we have reached that point where we can. It might not work for everyone and it wouldn’t have worked for me right after the divorce. After he divorced me I was too raw, still too needy and being around him was like a perpetual bad sunburn-it just stung too much.
        I think each case is so very different but the one thing all of us (especially women) need to remember is DON’T LET THEM WEAR YOU DOWN, DON’T CHANGE WHO YOU ARE FOR AN NARC, AND STAY INDEPENDENT!

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        1. Your last lines are the key!
          I was never strong enough to remain strong.
          The last time we got back together I thought I could maintain my independence, I had my business, I knew him so well, and I wasn’t going to put up with any crap. But with him sabotaging my work truck it didn’t take long for him to be in control again
          And I have a hard time keeping my feelings in check. I actually don’t envy you having to spend any time with him. I would hate for anyone to think they can control a narcissist in any way. Or go back to an N because they think they are strong enough and independent enough to keep him behaving themselves. They are so evil and manipulative a person is really playing with fire.
          You are a stronger woman than I.
          Hugs
          Carrie

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  3. I can identify and relate to all the comments here and I appreciate your taking the time to share the article Lady With a Truck. This video is very triggering but what is so tragic is the small number in comparison to the whole that ‘get it’…society ‘gets’ a black eye, a kick, a punch, or a bite, they don’t quite get the psychological damage which lingers long after the bruises have healed…<3

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    1. Betty, so true! And how can through victim adequately describe this kind of torture? I have tried but people just don’t get it, I have to admit it sounds petty to my own ears when I say it because it is so subtle, so manipulative, and evil. Like I said I have been strangled, knocked out by a punch to the head, had simply every thing I owed including my clothes and keepsakes destroyed but it is this kind of abuse I obviously have not healed yet.
      Thanks for coming by and commenting. The only way to change how society views this kind of abuse is to expose it and discuss it. Maybe this video will have the opposite effect than what this abuser intended. Maybe he will be exposed for the abuser he is. He certainly made an excellent video showing the effects this gas lighting on the victim.

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  4. Sounds like a taunting asshole to me. He’s taunting and taunting. She’s at the end of her tether. If he has the “power” to take her to the lake (and he laughs) she DEFINITELY DEFINITELY DEFINITELY needs to move away from him. I loathe him. He’s absolutely loving doing this. This makes me deeply sick.

    I would never have even treated my son Daniel like that – not at age 1, 2, 3, 10, 15, now : never. I truly feel sick right now.

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    1. It had the same effect on me Noeleen. The minute I started watching it my stomach was in knots and my whole body tensed up. I hope she gets out and I hope this video back fires on him and exposes him to be the abuser he is. We don’t see the build up to this outburst. He conveniently didn’t start taping until she lost it.

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  5. An ex of mine turned me into this same weeping mess, convinced me that I was the one with the problem. He made certain that – every time he left (and those times were many) – I would want him back, and when he came back I would put up with all the shit again for a while until I got crazy and he’d leave again. He even convinced me to remove my name from the rent agreement, only to throw me out in below freezing temperatures when I discovered that he was having an affair with the girl next door while I was working at least 72 hours a weeks as a care assistant.

    I am very glad things turned out the way they did though, or I would have married him and would still probably be under his thumb ten years on.

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    1. Missus Tribble,
      Every time I had something important to do or something I was really looking forward to he would pull something like that.
      Usually accusing me of owing him money when I knew he was wrong. One time I was flying to go see my son and an hour before my flight is about to leave he demands all my money or he won’t let me go.
      I gave him the money and missed my flight anyway.
      Bastard! I can not say how wonderful it is to not worry about that err again.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  6. I laid in bed last night thinking about this video. There is so much going on here – discounting, denying, just to name a few. I especially like when he throws in “all of this over a pack of cigarettes” which, of course, has nothing to do with her arguement. One thing I noticed in the video and remember feeling daily is that fight or flight response. She fights because she is trying to be heard, and when she isn’t heard, she wants to stop and get cigarettes and get out of the car. My ex was a pro at creating this type of environment. I always felt like I had my “mental” boxing gloves on and by the end of our marriage, I had become this very guarded, defensive and fearful woman. He used to like to play this game called “Don’t Poke the Bear” and would get our daughter involved by saying, “See mommy, let’s see how mad we can make her”. Most of the time I could keep my cool, but every once in a while he would be relentless and I would finally lose it. Of course then I was “no fun and didn’t have a sense of humor” although not one thing he said was funny, just insulting to me and meant to antagonize. It has taken over two years to unwrap myself from this messed up way of communicating and one thing I discovered after leaving a 16 year marriage is how peaceful and quiet life is. Each day I am not with him is one more day I can continue to heal and hear my own thoughts and am finally looking ahead.

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