Acceptance and Gratitude

blog 1You know, for most of my relationship with JC I was fighting the natural progression of life. God always put clues in front of me about what JC was doing; somehow I always found out. Well, I found out lots, probably only a small fraction of what was actually going on.

For example: when we started living together and every time I entered the room he would shrink the computer screen. Some times I would glimpse a pair of big breasts, or think I saw two people screwing but I never caught him, not that I was trying to catch him. Porn has never bothered me, to a degree; as long as the man I was with was still coming to bed with me and making love to me I didn’t care if he watched a bit of porn. I have never minded watching it myself as long as it wasn’t degrading to women and had some what of a “story line” haha as if the story lines in a porn vary much. So I teased him about it and he adamantly denied it. He wasn’t working at the time and I could tell he would shower before I got home because his hair would still be wet, I knew he had been on the computer all day. Our relationship had taken a shift, he was still loving but whereas he used to want to go everywhere with me now he wanted to stay home. One particular Sunday we were to go to my mother’s for the day and we were late and he wasn’t getting ready. I hated being late so I left without him. When I got home he was on the computer, still not showered and when I walked in the room he shrunk the screen and then followed me into the kitchen. I teased him about looking at porn and again he denied it vehemently. This angered me; I hate being lied to, I thought it was silly and I was going to prove he was lying to me. I went in the bedroom where the computer was and looked in History where, sure enough; all these porn sites popped up. I went back out and confronted him and he said it must be my son’s history or pop ups because he wasn’t in porn. I am not a computer whiz and even less so back then but I knew how to read “History”. He was so adamant I checked again and as I scrolled down I saw “Adult Friend Finders, sign up page” I clicked it and low and behold the sign up page popped up telling me once my account was approved I would get an email with my password sent to my email account. I knew his password and waited until the next day to check it from work. Sure enough he had opened an account as barefoot007, I confronted him, he denied it, I showed him photo copies, he said it was from years ago, him and his buddy did it as a joke, I read the post out loud. “Date account created and yesterday’s date”. then he gave me attitude.

We got home and I packed, he still gave me attitude, I had my hand on the door knob, he begged me to stay with tears streaming down his face, I hesitated, I stayed. Want to know the real reason I stayed? I had been buying a house off my mother when I moved in with JC, I was going to keep it and rent it out but my mom sold it. I didn’t keep any of my furniture because JC said, “Baby, lets start fresh, we’ll buy new stuff that we pick out together”. (we never got new furniture unless I bought it)
I didn’t want to admit I had made a mistake and move out 6 weeks after I moved in, my mom would be pissed, I had no place to move and no furniture; he was crying, he made all kinds of promises, such as I could check where he was on the computer any time I wanted, so I stayed.

He still gave me attitude, he got a job in a different town closer to where I worked, I offered for us to just date and not live together, he promised once he had a job things would change. I stayed.

We got a house with a rent to own agreement at Everglades (where I am now) and his whole attitude changed, he acted like he loathed me, was finding fault in everything and all of a sudden money became a huge issue. I was ready to leave and came home to a lovely poem he had written me. He asked me, “If I asked you to marry me, would you?” (notice,he didn’t ask, he just asked IF he did ask would I) I stayed.

Then my son got in trouble and I didn’t want to have to deal with splitting too.

Then my brother admitted to a sever drug problem and I didn’t want to burden my mom with any more stress.

Then JC’s dad was diagnosed with cancer.

Then his dad died.

Then he lost his job. Then…..Then……Then…..

I remember working in my garden, tears streaming down my face, praying, over and over again; “show me what to do, how do I fix this?”

I have always been big on “signs” or “it was meant to be”

There was always a convenient reason to stay; my truck was broken down, I didn’t have money and as soon as I had at least $500 saved I would leave but my truck never ran for more a  few days and we never had groceries so I would get paid and buy food.

Just like I looked at the picture of God holding up the man that looked like JC and didn’t see the spike and hammer I refused to see other things. I was praying to God to end my pain, I asked for a sign telling me what I should do, but I didn’t like the answers I was getting. He tried to help me but I kept reading my own wishes into the signs he was giving me. A person can twist almost anything into a sign they should be with the N if they try hard enough.

Without a doubt I was always better off when JC and I split. My finances, health and attitude improved, even if I still missed him. The last time we were together and he had told me he “couldn’t take THIS any more”; he started saying “You have always done better without me” often, and I got a pit in my stomach every time because I knew why he had come back. He had come back to destroy me. He was willing to invest 2 years of his life to destroying me, why? because it was great ns!! because narcissist’s want to destroy their prey; the game isn’t over if we are still standing and doing well, the only way they feel they have won (and it is all about winning for them) is for their “opponent” , us, to be destroyed.

blog 3I could see how he methodically destroyed my business, took everything of value to me even keepsakes and bit by bit destroyed my confidence and self esteem. The physical abuse was worse, as was the mental abuse. I would have been so much further ahead if I hadn’t gone back the last time.

Just before he had called me asking me to take him back I had prayed for a little place to live. I asked God for a little cabin with enough yard for a small garden, a place where I could have my dog, something that I had to fix up would be ok but he was going to have to be creative with the finances because I didn’t have any money and if it could be beside water that would be great.

When he asked me to come back, that he had an epiphany and I was all the woman he would ever need or want I told myself that I knew him so well and knew how to avoid the things that had caused conflict between us before. He admitted to everything he had ever done wrong, apologized to my son, and didn’t blame anyone but himself. He told me I had done nothing wrong it was all him, the only thing was he had felt I was holding back the last couple of years and he knew that was his fault and all he wanted was a chance to prove he had changed. With all his confessions I felt comfortable admitting areas I felt I had failed. I admitted I had been holding back as a way to protect myself from more hurt and promised to not hold back any more and not be so suspicious. We discussed how we couldn’t stay away from each other and I told him that if we tried again, it was for keeps and he agreed (I think). Money had always been an issue between us and now I had a successful business, my confidence was back, he was offering me honesty and open communication and I thought I could diffuse future problems because I knew him so well. I wasn’t counting on him changing the rules and putting such a concentrated effort into destroying me. We hadn’t lived together for a couple of years and he hadn’t been physically abuse the whole time so I thought he had changed in that area also.

It wouldn’t have been difficult for JC to know that would be my prayer because he knew how much I wanted to live by water again and how much giving up the lake had been hard for me. So when he came up with this house in Blaine Lake Saskatchewan I thought it was God answering my prayer. I hadn’t specified it had to be in BC and it was everything I had prayed for. JC gave me the guys phone number and I talked to him and he said the place was fully furnished, he would carry the mortgage at $200 a month and only wanted $5,000 for it. He didn’t want any money to hold it, just said to call him when I was heading out. I called him several times just to make sure things were still on. JC in the meantime asked me to move to Sask and marry him. It seemed to all be falling into place but my gut was telling me differently. I told myself God wanted me to go, it was the answer to my prayer and who was I to question God. I gave away all my furniture and told my customers I was leaving.

For the first time ever JC was there to help me move, even when we had been together he would disappear any time we were moving but this time he parked his semi and flew out to help me. I thought it was because he was a changed man. In the morning we were heading out and he said to call the guy about the house and say we were on our way. I thought I would do that once we were down the road a bit and knew more when we would get there but he said I should call now. So I did and that is when the guy told me he had sold the house two days prior. My stomach flipped and immediately I thought, “My God what have I gotten myself into? I am now totally dependent on JC again”. I told myself he had proposed, nothing had to change, we could find a place together but his attitude changed totally. Now he was saying I might as well take a vacation with him seeing as I had told all my customers I was leaving. He suggested I take two weeks and have a much needed vacation. I was blown away, what did he mean “a vacation”, I thought we were getting married and going to live in Sask, nothing had happened to change that. And it went down hill from there.

Even when I finally left him simply nothing went right, I didn’t get a break any where. Whereas in the past I had always done well on my own this time nothing came together for me. He had done such a good job of destroying me this time I couldn’t make a come back and I had NO support because my mom disowned me when I went back to him.

It was as if he had cursed my life, I even attempted suicide and when he found out he used it against me to taunt me into trying it again. But there was something inside me that kept me fighting for my life.

When I finally truly in my heart let him go my life started to improve at a phenomenal rate, even things that appeared bad turned out to work  in my favor.

I got the job at Ccon, which enabled me to get the cabin, which WAS the answer to my prayer of 4 years earlier. It was a small cabin, on a lake, where I could have dogs and plant a small garden AND the most important part, creative financing, the owners were willing to carry the mortgage. Then I lost my job at Ccon, I felt I wasn’t treated fairly, someone had told them stuff that wasn’t true or were easily explained but they had made up their minds. I suspect that JC had something to do with it because they said they got their information from an anonymous source. One of the lies was that I was seen at the Husky gas station drinking and during drugs in the company truck. How they could believe that I don’t know, it didn’t even make sense, I live 5 minutes from the Husky, why on earth would I sit at the gas station drinking and doing drugs when I could just go home? BUT a few months prior I had gotten a phone call from an unknown number and not answered, I checked for messages when I got to the Husky and there were none so I called the number back and the voice mail picked up my call and it was JC. I hung up like the phone was on fire and immediately felt very uneasy. I have heard there are tracking devices that you can use on someone’s cell phone where when they call you back if you don’t answer you are hooked up to their phone. It was shortly after that I got the job at Ccon. JC came in here and told similar lies months ago, he is the only one I can think of who would say anything like that, so I feel he was trying to ruin my reputation and make me lose my job. After all he blames me for all his problems and probably feels justified.

When I lost my job they offered to finance a truck for me so I wasn’t too upset, I hadn’t been feeling well (I didn’t realize it was my heart) and gladly took a couple of weeks off. People donated money to keep my head above water (Thank you all!!)  and I found a truck. Then I caught Colin with another woman and my truck broke down on the same day.
THEN I was told I had to come up with close to $4000 to close the house deal. THEN the owner of Ccon called and told me he was not going to fix the truck for me and he was going to sell it. By that time I had decided to get out of scrap any way and I was sick of fighting for my life all the time.

For some reason I didn’t panic. I called my old bank and found out I had $5,000 sitting there since 1996 and I could get it out as long as I went in and gave them ID. Which I did and a week later a cheque arrived in the mail. I had my heart attack which reinforced my decision to get out of scrap. I had enough money to complete the deal on the cabin and still buy a cheap little car that I got an amazing deal on. Simply every thing has fallen into place. I had 672 hours on my separation slip, not enough to get unemployment benefits but I only need 600 hours to get disability benefits. Ccon never sold the truck they have kept it and that reinforces to me that they screwed me over but I don’t care! My life is going great and I don’t have enough time to waste it being angry with people who don’t act in good faith, I just remove them from my life and move on.

I could have used that money a dozen times over in past years, for sure if JC would have known I had it he would have badgered me into cashing it in and he would have spent it. God knew that, and God also knew I kept going back no matter how much help God gave me when JC and I were apart so he waited until I was sure I was done with JC. God knew it was safe for me to have my prayers answered and when he answered them it was EXACTLY what I prayed for.

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So before you say God isn’t answering your prayers take a look at what you are doing, are you providing room for God to work in your life, are you seeing the answer and refusing it because it isn’t the answer you hoped for, are you open to what God knows is best for you? He must have been getting pretty frustrated with me and ready to smack me in the head with a 2 x 4 to get my attention! Thank you God for being patient and not giving up on me!!

I went around saying good bye to customers the last two days and of course every one was very concerned about my heart. My son called me the other day and asked how I was. The answer I gave them all was, “I am broke, I don’t have a job, I have a heart condition and I have never been happier in my life!!” every one would smile and laugh when I said it but I knew that they could see it in my eyes and face that I really meant it. When you are happy it shows.

My son said the most profound thing, laughing he said, “that’s awesome Mom, glad to hear it! I love to hear it, it’s like you are back to your old self again!!!” I could hear the relief in his voice. I didn’t say it to him but I am not back to my old self; I am better than my old self!! I am so much happier!! maybe because I have been with the devil and survived, maybe because I have lost everything and am just so grateful for what I have. Maybe because I was stripped down to nothing and rebuilt myself from the ground up, or maybe because I stopped fighting the powers that be and stopped forcing things to go MY way. Maybe all of the above.

Please, everyone who is fighting with the phone and wanting to call their ex N. It is a dead end street, face it, it is over, even if you do go back to him it is only delaying the inevitable. You can not save him, the relationship or yourself by talking to him or having him in your life in any way. A relationship with a narcissist only has one ending; he discards you and destroys you or vise versa OR he kills you OR you kill yourself but there is no happy ending, You are wasting your energy trying to figure out how to hurt him back, make him jealous, figure out what he is thinking, why he did or does things and you are delaying ever finding a man who can love you and will love you like you deserve. The man you met is dead, he is, accept it, grieve it and realize you can not breath life back into him; he is gone.

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13 Replies to “Acceptance and Gratitude”

    1. Jenna, thank you so much!! Helping women be strong is exactly what I am trying to do so to hear that makes my day!! I am not proud of what I tolerated and some times hesitate to share some things but do anyway just in case there is a woman out there feeling as hopeless and helpless as I was, so she knows she is NOT alone and she CAN survive and find happiness.
      Hugs and prayers that you find happiness and peace very soon, you deserve to be loved and cherished by a man who appreciates you for you and you will find it right around the corner if you just hang in there! Some day you will come in here and tell me I was right.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  1. It’s been almost two years since I left the N. My heart still hurts. I know he is dead!!! My life is cal and lonely at the same time. I wish we didn’t own unresolved property. He is so cold and distant. As always he loathes me now that he has the NW. Am still bearing myself up over wasting 17 yrs with him and another how many trying to get my life back. I’m listening to God. He is telling me to be humble!
    PTSD is hitting me today and I am kinda home sick. I miss my sister so much but I know this is where I need to be right now.
    Please say a prayer for me

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    1. Hey Cindy, totally understand your PTSD. It will get better. I also spent 14 yrs. married to N. Then went into denial after separation and divorce for 4 years. I didn’t start dealing with it until I retired and found out he remarried. That is when I broke down in 2012. I have been working on it now for 15 months. I am almost home. That property issue is a bitch. I just finished getting our vacation property from him last month. It only took me 5 years to get what the court ordered him to do. Part of that was me. I didn’t want to deal with him. But, when I started healing and taking my emotions head on I knew I would not be able to live with myself letting him not give me what was rightfully mine. I had to get the attorney I used in my divorce to threaten him we were going back to court. Even with that it took 8 months for him to actually process the Quit Claim Deed and other paper work to place ownership in my name. Good news is he didn’t win on it and it really has released me from all ties now which has really freed me. It gives me no room to believe I ever have to see or talk to him again. It really is a giant relief because I now think and feel free. Hang in there Cindy. This will happen for you.

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    2. Cindy, ((((((((((hugs))))))))) and prayers to you. It is too bad you have unresolved property issues because it would help you immensely to not have to deal with him at all. You are such a sweet and kind person you don’t deserve having to deal with an ass like that. They “do” loathing so well; and love to rub our noses in tgeir new relationship. It is very hard to keep positive and strong when you and when it did have to deal with that. But believe in yourself and God WILL provide and you WILL find happibess and serenity and I really feel it isn’t going to be long. God is just working out the details. It was at the 2 yr mark that everything fell into place for me and when it did, it was everything I had prayed for. It will happen for you also.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. Excellent post Carrie and I agree with you completely. That last paragraph, in particular was amazing! Yes, it is over and I’m glad Still, I have moments when I wonder why the OW isn’t smartening up enough to kick the ex’s butt to the curb (read take out the trash!j) LOLl. Okay, not a situation I know anything about. But knowing his behavioral history, I’m betting she’s probably an addicted mess at this point, who believes she needs him to survive, and he’s creating drama by triangulating whenever possible, often threatening to leave her if she doesn’t cater to all his needs and desires! But hey, it’s Not my problem and that’s good! Great post! Loved it!

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    1. Linda, thank you! You are always so encouraging. I have to admit that occassionally . I wonder how his new woman tolerates him; and what she must be going through, but it sure doesn’t plague me or put doubt in my mind; I half expect to see her in here one day.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  3. Love your strengths here, Carrie.

    When you write of those times with JC, my gosh, I just see him as such a loser. Pardon me, that.

    I wish whoever needs to read these words gets to read them. Quality post.

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    1. Noeleen; he was a phenominal loser wasn’t he? It amazes me that I tolerated him for so long. Near the end I was embarrased to be connected to him. I look at pictures of him and can’t believe I ever thought he was “all that” . I guess its true; love is blind, and deaf and dumb!!
      So happy he and those times are far behind me.
      Thanks for taking the time to stop by for a read I hope you and Daniel are well and happy.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  4. Thank you Carrie for taking so much of your time to write these posts…. They are so damn helpful. I just don’t know what I’d do without this group here.

    I just had an epiphany about the triangulation thing. I didn’t really remember that my N did this. But I am still emerging from the fog. Some of the memories are coming back slowly. He did do this!! But it was so subtle at the time I didn’t recognize it! He told me at least 3 times that friends of mine had “come on” to him! I couldn’t believe it! I asked one of them because she is my best friend and she knew about my struggle with this idiot. She was floored!! She said there was NO WAY she came on to him and I believed her….but at the same time I believed HIM too because I had to….to keep the denial going. Crazy huh? They can’t BOTH be right! But that’s how crazy my thinking had become.

    I just realized this after reading your post. Wow, amazing. And even better…I don’t have any emotion attached to it this time. It’s just like “oh, yeah, he did that….oh well, he is an ass”. And I just let it float away…..

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