We have quite a few new members on this site and as we all know; no contact is one of the hardest things we have to do after breaking up with a narcissist/psychopath.
The number one question I hear is; Why can’t I stay no contact?
Why is it so hard? He abused us, treated us like dirt under his feet, lied, cheated, played with our minds, criticized, well……..basically he broke our heart. In the past we have been able to walk away from men who didn’t treat us right and now a man treats us worse than any other man and yet we can’t walk away. WHY?
For one thing you have already partially answered that question – Because he treated you the worst you have ever been treated. We want the man we met back, we can’t get our heads around the fact that he never existed, we want the dream we had in the beginning, we don’t want to face reality, we don’t want to have to do the work of healing the hole left if he isn’t in our life any more. It is hard to accept we could love someone that cruel and evil, that we could make such a huge mistake.
At least with me, I felt out of sorts, edgy, bitchy, insecure; until I talked to him. We had talked everyday for 10 years, except for when he was in Africa, even when he would disappear from his family I always heard from him. When we were split he had always been more loving and a lot kinder (until he got his new woman).
I felt ok by myself as long as I talked to him everyday, even if he was nasty and we fought………we were connected, I could at least be angry with him. My pain meant we were still connected. If he got angry with me it meant he still cared. I was hanging onto my pain because our relationship had become pain, I knew if I let go of the pain I was letting go of JC just like letting go of JC was letting go of the pain; they were intertwined.
Plus, even though I knew he was a narcissist if not a psychopath there was that little voice that kept whispering in my ear; “you are nothing without him”. after all he had told me enough times and it is like brainwashing, if you are told something often enough you begin to believe it. How many times did I hear, that I was an ungrateful bitch, that I was too sensitive, too needy, too suspicious and “Some day you will realize all I did for you and you will be sorry.” Its been 2 1/2 years and the only thing I am sorry about is that I stayed 9 years longer than I should have.
Basically the reason we can’t stay no contact is; habit, refusing to face reality, holding on to a fantasy, we want a return on our investment of time, money and love, we are in denial, we want to be validated, we want the impossible!!
What is the definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over
As long as you are in contact with the narcissist you will be in pain.
You are in pain because you have given him the power to hurt you.
You are in control and have the power to make him stop hurting you
Fact: He DID abuse you.
If he continues to abuse you it is your own fault.
- Catching Up (ladywithatruck.com)
- Friends and Family Who Aren’t (ladywithatruck.com)
- He Wants to Try Again (ladywithatruck.com)
- What is narcissistic personality disorder (forfreepsychology.wordpress.com)
- What Goes on Behind the Narcissist’s Mask (psychologytoday.com)
- Again, I Say No Contact, Never, Ever (ladywithatruck.com)