Links to Old Posts About No Contact

We have quite a few new members on this site and as we all know; no contact is one of the hardest things we have to do after breaking up with a narcissist/psychopath.

The number one question I hear is; Why can’t I stay no contact?

Why is it so hard? He abused us, treated us like dirt under his feet, lied, cheated, played with our minds, criticized, well……..basically he broke our heart. In the past we have been able to walk away from men who didn’t treat us right and now a man treats us worse than any other man and yet we can’t walk away. WHY?

For one thing you have already partially answered that question – Because he treated you the worst you have ever been treated. We want the man we met back, we can’t get our heads around the fact that he never existed, we want the dream we had in the beginning, we don’t want to face reality, we don’t want to have to do the work of healing the hole left if he isn’t in our life any more. It is hard to accept we could love someone that cruel and evil, that we could make such a huge mistake.

At least with me, I felt out of sorts, edgy, bitchy, insecure; until I talked to him. We had talked everyday for 10 years, except for when he was in Africa, even when he would disappear from his family I always heard from him. When we were split he had always been more loving and a lot kinder (until he got his new woman).

I felt ok by myself as long as I talked to him everyday, even if he was nasty and we fought………we were connected, I could at least be angry with him. My pain meant we were still connected. If he got angry with me it meant he still cared. I was hanging onto my pain because our relationship had become pain, I knew if I let go of the pain I was letting go of JC just like letting go of JC was letting go of the pain; they were intertwined.

Plus, even though I knew he was a narcissist if not a psychopath there was that little voice that kept whispering in my ear; “you are nothing without him”. after all he had told me enough times and it is like brainwashing, if you are told something often enough you begin to believe it. How many times did I hear, that I was an ungrateful bitch, that I was too sensitive, too needy, too suspicious and “Some day you will realize all I did for you and you will be sorry.” Its been 2 1/2 years and the only thing I am sorry about is that I stayed 9 years longer than I should have.

Basically the reason we can’t stay no contact is; habit, refusing to face reality, holding on to a fantasy, we want a return on our investment of time, money and love, we are in denial, we want to be validated, we want the impossible!!

What is the definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over 

do differentand expecting a different result.

As long as you are in contact with the narcissist you will be in pain.

You are in pain because you have given him the power to hurt you.

You are in control and have the power to make him stop hurting you

Fact: He DID abuse you.

If he continues to abuse you it is your own fault.

6 thoughts on “Links to Old Posts About No Contact

    1. carrie

      Nadine (((((((((hugs)))))))))
      Scrambling to find something that will help you through this tough time. I know touch can do it and you deserve so much more than you are getting.


  1. Nessa

    Ive just found your blog last week. Been involved with a man for 4.5 years now… off and on (of course). After reading some entries had the courage to confront him on dating another woman. Im trying to process all of the information. He has never been physically abusive and always tries to lift me up into being a better person—like getting me to quit smoking. He fits about 5 of the narcississtic qualities. Im still not sure if he’s just a nookie junkie selfish a**hole or a narc. Im very confused, but have gone into no contact and started writing in a journal like you suggested somewhere on your blog.. haha. (Ive been reading it a lot) So, i can concentrate on the not-so-good reasons of our relationship instead of my mind blurring them and keeping me wanting him for those story-book highs. Thanks… Im in learning mode.. along with current NO Contact for a week……… which is sooooooo hard.


  2. Carrie Reimer Post author

    Nessa, Good for YOU!! proud of you! I know it is hard but it does get easier, promise!! Journaling is great and when you are a couple of months down the road and think you haven’t made any progress you can go back and read how far you have actually come.
    No contact is the only way to heal and one week is 7 days , some days you might have to do it one hour at a time, we can do anything for one hour, and then for a day and days add up to weeks and weeks turn into months and before you know it you won’t want to contact him because you know he will just bring you down and you don’t ever want to feel that way again.
    They don’t have to have all the traits to be a narcissist but then they don’t have to be a narcissist to be unhealthy and an asshole and not worth your time.
    You have said you don’t want to be a part of the harem any more and that is so wonderful!! That you realize your worth is such a beautiful thing. Just remember, these other women that he keeps rotating through don’t believe they deserve better and neither does he. He doesn’t respect them, and he will never treat them with respect. YOU on the other hand will someday meet a man who WILL treat you with respect because you won’t allow him to treat you otherwise.
    It will get easier. I am proud of you. keep it up! hold your head high and be proud.



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