What’s In A Name?

loserGrowing up no one ever called me Carrie unless I was in trouble. I was always called by my middle name Sue, more specifically I was called SuzzyQ. If any one in my family called me Carrie I automatically thought I was in trouble. No one called me by my name!
Even as adults, my brother was with a woman who’s name was Susan, of course people called her Sue. At family functions when my brother would say Sue her and I would both respond. It almost got my brother in hot water when I mailed him a birthday card. He was dating another woman and she saw the card signed “With love Sue xxxxooooo” and demanded to know “Who the hell is Sue”. He told her it was from his sister and she called him a liar because knew his sister’s name is Carrie. She checked with me. Lol

Anyway, the point I am getting to is this; it doesn’t take long to get conditioned by being called a pet name. Very early in the relationship the narcissist starts calling the target by a pet name. An unofficial survey I took shows that 75% of the time the narcissist uses “Babe or Baby”.
There are several reasons he does this.
1. He never has to worry about calling a woman by the wrong name.
2. (JC called me “Babe” at the end of our second date. I couldn’t believe my ears and thought “get over yourself; how cheesy!!” but as much as I told myself it was sleazy, it gave me goose bumps and I liked it, I felt special. I didn’t know at the time he called every woman babe) Calling the woman by a pet name automatically moves the relationship up a level and makes it more intimate.
3. The woman gets used to being called Babe, it gives her the warm fuzzies because every time he says it she is hearing she is special and loved.
4. Later when he starts his gas lighting and she is on his emotional roller coaster all he has to do is call her by her name and whether she realizes it or not; she immediately feels she has done something wrong.
5. He can later withhold calling her endearing names and when he calls her by her real name it is like a knife in her gut. JC used to withhold calling me Babe and then when he “forgave” me he would say it very softly.
6. When he discards the woman he stops calling her Baby but when he is toying with her he can “let it slip” she feels the warm fuzzies and he can always say it was just out of habit. He can let her assign whatever meaning she wants to assign to it.

It’s all these subtle little things he uses to suck the woman in, control her and hurt her.

Both Colin and JC used the “Baby” technique.

They also both used the routine technique where they purposely set up a routine for the woman to miss later such as JC left me a little love note every morning. He also called all the time just to see how my day was or to say he was late or on his way home. Colin sent me a text message every night before he went to bed and every morning when he got up. Even though I was not in love with him I got used to those messages and couldn’t help missing them when they stopped.

The control and abuse is so subtle and nothing a person can really put their figure on. How do you explain that you are upset because he called you by your name?

Just remember when the narcissist starts calling you a pet name early in the relationship it is not because he is so in love with you. Or when he calls you all the time, it isn’t that he can’t stand being away from you. He is already planning the emotional roller coaster he is going to put you on.

Hugs
Carrie

Re(Creations) by Carrie Reimer 778-344-4974

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16 Replies to “What’s In A Name?”

  1. omg Carrie, reading this takes me back to my marriage with my ex N. it’s kinda scary that he always made it seem like he was calling me to make sure I was okay but now I know he was checking up on me… trying to calculate how long it took me to get home or to work. one day I was taking my oldest child to his dad and pulled over for a bit because we were early and in less than five minutes he pulled up behind me. when he was mad, he would call me the worst names anyone can call a woman and he knew those names hurt me. one day we were arguing and he told me I was a fucking whore but instead of crying like I did before, my response was you call me a whore but you still want to fuck me. he was speechless. like you said it’s all about control and getting a reaction from us so they feel better about themselves

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    1. Krissy,; JC used to call and say he was on his way home and then not show up that night at all, time times he didn’t show up until the next day after work. I used to think he was just making sure I was home waiting for him and wouldn’t catch him doing whatever he was doing.
      Lol He rarely ever got home before me . I even tried coming home and leaving again, driving around so he would get home before me but it never happened! He always pulled in 5-10 minutes after I got home or later or not at all but never before. It was weird.
      Thanks for commenting
      Hugs
      Carrie

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      1. Im currently in a relationship where he is classic txt book ‘N’… Mine will come home from working out of town early .. He thinks i dont know and tries to catch me doing something.. I treat our relationship like a game mist of the time – i am always expecting him to act ccirdingly – typical of what he is – i set lil boobie traps for him- bait him with messed up info – something that fuels his need- just directed differently- so he usually ends up ratting himself out !

        Karma has been very good to me- exp – he got drunk and called out if the blue and told me i had an hour to get out of the house and if i were still there he was going to blacken both my eyes!!! So i packed an over night bag and went to a friends house for the night with our dogs.. 5 hrs later.. His boss called me asking what happened to him??… Details are not supportive to his 3 stories but the end result – 2 guys beat him up so badly that BOTH HIS EYES WERE BLACK & blue and a broken Nose… Lolololol!!!! If thats not “1” for the good guys ( us the targets) then i dont know what is !

        He has tried pulling stunts to frighten me when im home alone… But becsuse of a former job working with a PRivate investigator – i have some pretty good stalking skills… So im able to keep one step ahead or toe to toe!!!

        Once when he was seeing the NEW GIRL.. I totally ruined it for him by dropping little phrases he had said to her. He asked.. “What are u talking about “… I would reply..” ohhhh.. Nothing!”… Then minutes later i saw him double checking his email…
        I stood up – and took all her value away from him by pointing out jyst how pathetic she was and was a terrible catch !!! No challenge in a woman who was willing to be hidden and accepted him coming home to me and how disappointed i was that -» that was the best he could do!!
        (( he did one up me by sleeping with 3 of my friends- but if they felt the need to fck him then they werent friends)
        I always keep a back up plan ready to activate… Its the only way to survive until i feel strong enuff to walk right out ! I once allowed him to destroy me- then he pulled me back in! Now this time i refuse to let the hunter get his prey.. Cuz the prey is hunting the hunter ! He has probably turned me into the exact same thing he is – as long as i refuse to feel- i cant get hurt – i remain calm and agreeable .. As if i dont care !

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        1. Chellie, you are playing a dangerous game and it is a game, one that a person can get hooked on. I don’t recommend anyone doing what you are doing. It is your choice, you are an adult but I could not let your comment stand without responding because I don’t want people to think that is the way to handle a narcissist.
          For one thing, you may think you are getting one up on him but don’t kid yourself into a false sense of security. They don’t have a conscience and a level of depravity that no normal human can reach. If you do reach it, then you have reason to be concerned for your mental state and it is nothing to be proud of.
          If your relationship is reduced to this cat and mouse, spying, etc what do you have? it certainly is not love. You talk like you hate him, then you should leave and stop trying to “catch” him. Because whether you realize it or not, you are giving him exactly what he wants, you are focusing all your attention on him, you are playing right into his game. He has you exactly where he wants you, he has you obsessing about what he is doing and with who, giving you little clues to keep you on his trail.
          I played the game too many victims do. It is a pointless game and you don’t get stronger the longer you are with him, you get weaker, lose more of your self respect, you feel dirty for playing the game. He slept with 3 of your friends, you laugh because you suckered him into dumping the other woman. Do you know what actually happened? He succeeded in triangulating you with another women and enjoyed sitting back while you and the other women vied for his attention. and you think you won, he is the one laughing believe me. Have some pride and walk away with your head head high before he gets sick of the game and you find yourself looking at the wrong end of a gun. Narcissists will play with you like a cat does a mouse but eventually they bore of the game and kill it.
          You think you are in control, you can’t get hurt, you are lying to yourself. You are lowering yourself to his level and you are allowing bitterness to determine your actions, in the end you will be the loser because you have feelings and he doesn’t. All you are doing is giving him ammunition for when he leaves your ass and cries to everyone what a psycho bitch you were.
          Don’t play with matches when you are playing with the devil.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I’d never thought about this aspect before, Carrie, and see how very subtle and very true that can be. Wow indeed. Great post – enlightening.

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  3. Wow, yes….that pet name. I remember the N called me “kiddo” a lot…and I loved it! Made me feel special and quirky. We both loved baseball, so it kind of fit. But I remember hearing him call someone else that name once when he was on the phone…it was a slip-up on his part I think. And it stung for a second….but I quickly brushed it aside because I didn’t want to think I wasn’t really special.

    And the baby started later when he was really pouring it on. And YES, there were those times when we’d have the blow-outs after he had been gas-lighting me. And he’d blare out my name “Connie!” and it was like a lighting bolt! Zap! It stunned me! And yes I felt fear and dread when he called me by my name.

    Omg….this is so amazing…. Really got my brain reeling… wow

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    1. Thank you Noeleen, it makes sense though doesn’t it. Pretty basic psychology really, you just don’t pick up on it and that is why the victim often times ends up being in to deep by the time they figure out they’re being abused.
      Hope all is well with you. I read your latest post and haven’t commented yet. As always you had me totally entranced the whole time. What do you think made Chris do such an about face? Love it every time I got notification of another post.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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    2. Connie, so glad you could relate and I wasn’t just paranoid lol I also overheard JC calling someone “babe” early in our relationship. I teased him about it and he said it was his sister and he hadn’t realized he said it. He went so far as to ask, “Don’t you notice when I sayin to you my voice is different? I accepted that. It was years later that he slipped up and said he had been dating woman and she would leave love notes on his car and he would rush out in the morning before I got there and saw them. Then I knew it must have been her on the phone that day.
      Loser.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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      1. When i ‘d catch mine getting flowers and love notes… I would play stupid like i never knew… So the next night i would leave a rose on his car and hope he would think it was from her !!! He eould get himself in trouble with the other woman by assuming it was from her and mebtion it .. Lol

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  4. Wow, thank you so much for bringing up this subject! I really thought that I was crazy for feeling so bad about myself when my N called me by my name. He made sure to point out that it was crazy too. That name tactic is so subtle yet painful. My N used to call me “duck” and he had a background image on his cell phone with a fuzzy duckling, which made me happy of course. Imagine my surprise when his phone rang and the contact image was another duckling. I said “I guess I’m not the duck” and after that I was ridiculed for a year over that incident. The person who called was of course his cousin (a teenage male), who he also called “duck”. I was just a paranoid stalker for thinking that it was another woman.

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    1. Annie, your welcome. I was hesitant to bring it up but I wanted to see how many people could relate. Although I knew he withheld calling me endearing names and saying I love you but if I mentioned it he made me feel like there was something wrong with me. It is so subtle but effective. Some one who loves you does not do that no matter how angry they may be. It is so unhealthy to punish and withdraw because the other person didn’t please you. I can see being angry and needing time to think or just be alone for awhile but to withdraw for days is abuse.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  5. Wow! I was “Babe” but “Nelly” when he was angry which was most of the time in the end. Try saying Nelly in an angry voice, it just sounds ridiculous. I am an intelligent woman and knew what he was doing but it still hurt. In the end when he used my name in anger I would just smile. (Please don’t do this if you have a physically violent N, it could send him over the edge) Where do we find these men? That’s right they find us they see our kind nature and latch on. They are parasites.

    At this point you should just end things as the relationship is so unhealthy. After almost 28 years of marriage that’s what I did but I asked him to leave which he did with some crumbling because he was still grooming my potential replacement’s, most of which,were half my age.

    Thanks “Sue” you have been a great source of inspiration and kept me on course.

    Nelly

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  6. Mine is honeybee ! I am living in a nightmare right now, trying to plan my escape with my children 10 years of hell he’s destroyed our lives, I have been a loyal military wife put up with the rages, the with holding the cheating, the verbal abuse the debt the lies, I have no confidence I am isolated I have no self esteem, he has convinced the mental health team I have no polar, played my children off against each other, I ve lost my career my home, and he leaves the military and suddenly he has to work at a job that’s 150 miles away all week!!!! Who u trying to kid? He spends 3 months horrifically abusing me , he lands the job and suddenly Mr perfect because he wants to work away, like I am that stupid ? I get the honeybee text message every morning and it’s so routinely the same it’s boring, yet he could go on a dating site and say all kinds to a stupid tart who knew about me and my children and didn’t care, I wish now I left them to it she would have deserved this !!
    I just want my mind at peace now, I fight to not kill myself on a daily basis because he’s made me feel so worthless from all the verbal abuse and lack of love .They are vampires they see someone with a good heart and they rip it out, they project , they are not all there in the head, anyone who even has a chance of getting away before they are this damaged should I only wish I knew what was happening !

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    1. This is,enlightening my husband called me his baby to. And I just realized that if I think back when he was involved with the other women I didn’t hear that name much. He too would send me texts asking where I was or to tell him when I was back home. I just thought he was checking in on me to be safe. That was dumb. He,would slso send texts saying I’m on my way home then I didn’t see him for days. This site has been a huge comfort to me. My husband is sitting in jail now due to 3 injunction violations, probation violation and battery since I filed it back in february. I’m going to court tommorow to testify for his probation violation and not looking forward to it. He has ruined 20 years of my life and just ready to move on. I really had no idea the extent of all this until I finally got out.

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