Typical Narcissist Apology

Below is an actual message left on my computer by JC in 2008.

A little background info on what led to him writing me this letter:

He had gone to Africa and come back; supposedly with Malaria. I had discovered he had gotten engaged to a young woman in Uganda while he was there and was continuing to keep in contact with her, promising to marry her and bring her to Canada. I had told him it was over but in true JC fashion he was always in my driveway when I got home. I never let him stay in my place if I was going out and he wasn’t allowed to bring anything into my place. I knew he would somehow weasel his way back in and I was determined this time.

He was broke so I was paying him to work for me and I got a job taking down a big metal framework and asked him to come with me to help. He was very knowledgeable and when we worked together we really “clicked” it was some of our best times. We had a good day and were finishing up when he went out to the truck. I went out and he told me that a guy he used to know just gave him a trailer and pointed to an empty lot behind him. There were two trailers there, a utility trailer with garbage in it and a really nice car hauler. I asked which trailer and he said the one with the garbage in it, that made sense to me because who would give away a perfectly good car hauler? I had a trailer hitch on my truck and asked if he wanted to take it with us when we left. He said no he would come back the next day; Sunday, to get it.

On Sunday my mom and I went looking at mobile homes for me to buy and I forgot my cell phone. When I got home one of my flower pots was broken in the driveway, I went inside and my answering machine was flashing and my cell phone had messages, I checked messages and both my land line and cell phone were flooded with angry messages that got more volatile with each message. Apparently, the guy calling had a shop across the street from the trailers, he had my business card and did a reverse search on my phone number and got my address and that was who broke my flower pot. My landlady lived on the same property and he had gone to her house first and as soon as I got home she was at my door screaming about these guys looking for me and JC and they had said he had stolen their trailer. I didn’t know what to say and said it must  a big misunderstanding.

The final message said something about blood flowing if he didn’t get his trailer back immediately. I called JC and asked him what the hell was going on. I told him about the messages and to take the trailer back NOW! then I called the guy, apologized and said I had talked to JC and he was going to return the trailer immediately and gave him JC’s number.

The guy was obviously drunk and angry but seemed appeased, hours went by and JC never showed up with the trailer. Every 1/2 hour, at first and then every few minutes the guy called me getting angrier and angrier with every call. I tried calling JC and he had stopped answering his phone. Finally the guy said him and his buddies were coming over to wait for JC. I told him they could be waiting a long time because he didn’t live with me but they didn’t believe me. I called the guy I knew was with JC and told him what was happening and asked to speak to JC. I told JC the guys were on their way to my place and I was scared. He got angry and said he had to put lights on the trailer and I said, “If you would have returned it when I first called you wouldn’t need lights!” (the first call I made at around 6pm and it was now after 10 pm. I had to put Kato in the truck and drive around in order to avoid being held captive by these guys. Eventually JC showed up at the guys yard and they took a baseball bat to his truck and broke all his lights and windows in his truck and gave him a few good hits I guess. When he finally showed up at my place I lost it on him. This is the letter I got two days later.

I am still pretty shaken by the other day, I don’t know if you could ever appreciate the events as they unfolded, from my perspective. I think not. Regardless, my main source of consternation, and lingering bad taste, is that you were the one who was their contact, and you were the one who they were going to lean on, to get to me. I don’t like that, it really bothers me, and the only way I can see to change that, is to not be associated with you. Even that will take  a long time to have any effect, some people just always associate people together, or think you are lying if you say you haven’t seen the one they are looking for.

 I am really, horribly sorry about it all. ALL of it. The Bridget thing, the trailer, Theresa,(Theresa was my landlady, who kicked me out because of the incident) the not being physical with you, ( he had been staying up all night on the internet and withholding sex to punish me) (and I wanted to be, every single day, but I kind of knew, ultimately, that it would come to this.)

 And I guess, deep down, I know I have changed. I kept waiting to see how I really felt. I feel a lot of love for you, I want to screw your brains out 3 times a day, I am protective of you, I feel bad for you when you are worried or hurt. I DO love you! A lot!

I am comfortable with you, and we have a lot in common. We get along better than most people do, considering the circumstances, and we know each other pretty well.

 But there is nothing but opposition from your family, all of them, and nothing I have done has changed that. And when I left for sudan, I was under no illusions as to the state of affairs here, regardless of my feelings. It was in word, and letters, months before I left. My grieving, and hurting had been going on for a long time before that!. In fact, it all took place when I was still alone at the shack. You think it was such a bad deal for you…then that just shows how narrow minded and self centered you are. I haven’t been welcome, or really loved, since that time. ( he had told me it was over when we were at the “shack”, but he wouldn’t kick me out on the street so I could stay but he treated me like crap. One evening I went to him in tears and said, “This time if you end it I am not coming back” He shrugged. I went on, “What if, like last time, after I am gone you realize you made a mistake?” He had said, “I guess I’ll have to live with it like all the other mistakes I’ve made”. So when my brother said I could come and stay with him and his buddy I took him up on the offer. Then JC was saying I left him broke and all alone and how heartless I was.but he flooded me with love letters and overwhelmed me with guilt trips, my brother was heavy into drugs at the time and I thought JC was the lesser of the two evils and went back. and of course in short order JC was being abusive again and telling me to get out again. He loaded a camper I had onto my truck with a bobcat and drove over all my stuff with the bobcat. I eventually got a good income tax return and was able to move into a basement suite. and yes, you guessed it, he ended up moving in there with me. Then I was told that I could stay but he had to go but he wouldn’t leave so I moved to the place I was when he went to Sudan and when he took the trailer. I had moved out and 3 weeks later he was still in my old basement suite and they had to get a bunch of guys together and move him out. Same thing that happened at the cabin at Hatzic)

Yeah, I have a lot of problems, and I have made lots of mistakes. I realize that I should keep people at arms length, because not too many folks understand me, and they get pissed off when they misread my motives, or disagree with my actions. (which are not always the greatest) Maybe its me, them, or the environment. Maybe its something in the water…but I have never had such a hard run as I have since I came here. Maybe it’s partly my family. Maybe it is being with you. Maybe its doing scrap, and all the people that introduces us to.

 Whatever. I can understand where you are at. I am sorry for all the trouble I caused. I REALLY owe you for saving me when I was sick, all the times. Thanks for losing days work cause you are sitting in waiting rooms with me. I apologize for all the hollering and screaming, over stuff I am responsible for. I really do love you, and I really do care. I guess I could accept everything you have said, but there is no way I have been able to grasp the fact that you weren’t going to be in my life. That is the one thing I will always have trouble with. My mind refuses to even hear it, let alone think, or believe it. I haven’t a clue how I will deal with that. 

Notice how he mentions how self absorbed I am and I couldn’t relate to how horrible things were for him!! He has to blame everyone but take blame for his behavior, poor misunderstood JC :(. the generic apologies, and at the end the poor tortured soul, doesn’t know how he will deal with me not being in his life. And I stayed strong for a long time, I wasn’t no contact though, but I didn’t live with him again or let him even stay the night and that is when he went to Red Deer to work and we were no contact until he came back saying he had been given 6 months to live.

Nadine, do you see any resemblance here?

Hugs all

Carrie

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29 Replies to “Typical Narcissist Apology”

    1. Kelli, I changed the font colour and made it “bold” sorry!! hopefully this is better. I wanted to show two colours in hopes of making it easier to understand because I made comments in the middle of his letter.

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      1. Carrie,

        I understand. I hope it didn’t come across as critical. I was feeling frustrated because I was into it but just couldn’t SEE it lol! Thank you for the change. I’ll go read it all now. Bless your heart! Your ex is SUCH an asshat, Carrie! I ‘affectionately’ refer to my ex as ‘douchie’. This is terminology that others understand well and isn’t quite as offensive as other colorful metaphors I COULD be using.

        I dunno why, but asshat fits yours really well. 😀

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        1. Kelli, no offense taken. I’m glad you said something. Asshat, I never heard that word before a few days ago. Does that mean he has his head up his ass? If so, it suits him perfectly. I can’t tell you how many times some one said he needed to get his head out of his ass.

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          1. Carrie,

            LOL!! I’m glad you don’t take offense. I’m not sure of it’s origination, but it fits him to a “T” and is much less offensive in terminology when describing a narc as evil as yours. I hope you get a reprieve soon.
            Thank you for your nice email, Carrie. I really appreciate the words of encouragement and support.

            By the way, heavy duty post…

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            1. Kelli, thank you…….you are the queen of heavy duty posts. How are you doing? You have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be until your situation improves. God is working on it…….he won’t let you down. When it comes it will be everything you hoped for and more. Pray about what you want, ask for exactly what you want and picture it and then let it go….. he will hear you.
              Not to discourage you because it was my choice to go back to JC instead of waiting for God to answer my prayers; but I prayed for this cabin in 2008………..and I got it in 2013 after I had gone back to JC and got dumped with nothing again. God knew I wasn’t ready, I had more lessons to learn because he didn’t want me to lose it. The money that sat from 1996 that I didn’t know I had until I really needed it, exactly the amount I needed. The owners carrying the mortgage because I had no money down and my credit rating is horrid. When I prayed I told him, it’s going to take some creative financing God and he came through with nothing short of a miracle. When I got this place I went to see it on a Sunday, Monday they called, Wed I signed, Saturday I moved in and I didn’t pay a dime for a month. Miracles DO happen!! believe!!

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    1. I changed the coloring, thanks for letting me know. Rather amazing to me I let him back into my life at all after that episode.And in the end where did it get me? I have moved on with my life and the happiest I have ever been and he is still making trouble and lying for me. I am NOT the person I was back then though.

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    2. Yes madam! I AM better off without him now if only he will be standing exactly in the middle of the next sink hole I will say all my prayers are answered. Besides, that’s where he’s going eventually!!

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  1. I sure do!!!! Do they get lessons in this shit or what??? I have finally had to come to terms with what he is… As you know I’ve lived in doubt and hope for the past 9 months… Thank you so much for sharing that… That deep connection, the mind blowing sex life that you know you could only have together AND HE WAS A SHAM!!!!!

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    1. When I read the text he sent you I immediately thought omg JC could have written it! taking blame kinda, saying he is so heart broken and we feel like crap, and think, “If he loves me that much we can make it work” any glimmer of hope we cling to it like a life raft in a stormy ocean.
      but when you look at what they type and how they say things it is filled with ambiguity that can be interpreted any way we choose, yet he is covering his ass so later he can say he warned us and tried to end it yadayada yada if his lips are moving he’s lying.

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      1. I am angry now… They do it on purpose don’t they… They don’t even see their cruelty do they? Or do they think its funny? Lowlife scum… I don’t think it’s fair they even breathe the same air… I know it has taken me along time Carrie but thank you thank you thank you!!!!! x

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        1. Nadine you are welcome!! Hey honey, I was a terribly slow leaner, you got nothing on me. Now………. Don’t make me come over there and sit on you to keep you away from him or him you. Be strong! Rewrite the script in your head. I KNOW its hard. I have had to do some of it again lately because his blog is such a pile of shit but he goes on about how in love he is with M and I felt that old familiar feelings in my stomach and the “voice” was starting but I shut it down and got angry instead. No More!! Get mad!!
          Hugs
          Carrie

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          1. Wanna laugh???? Now I can see him for what he is its laughable…

            Then darling my beautiful friend thank you for everything the past 2 years we actually enjoyed. I’ll be thinking of you the rest of my life I swear. I’ll love you like no other. Then as my heart now pounds so hard and my throat swollen my eyes teary I must say goodbye.
            Goodbye Nadine my love xo

            Didn’t respond so there’s been a few more… I know I will not respond to him by text, email or phone ever again. And I’m praying to God if he ever did have the balls to turn up here I’d have the strength to run…

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  2. “My grieving and hurting had been going on for along time” …. See that’s what I don’t get… I didn’t think they really felt… Or they’re in a world of pain the whole time which is why they need NS??

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    1. It was all a lie Nadine,. Just because he says he was hurting and grieving doesn’t mean he was. You could have fooled me he was grieving!! And it was his idea!! I just did what he wanted me to do. He was just trying to make himself look human and me feel guilty. He probably heard a similar line in a movie or something. He has used lines I have said to him on me. He must have forgotten where he heard it from. It was on the roledex in his head where he keeps appropriate lines for situations.

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    2. You are over thinking it Nadine and assigning him your feelings. That is the thing wwe do. We have to accept that everything that comes out if their mouths is a lie or fabrication. Every thinges they say and do is to manipulate the person to give them what they want. And don’t even try to figure out what they want!! They want to destroy you plain and simple.

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  3. You’re right Carrie! They store stuff for later use. If you listen carefully the “repeat” things that they have heard, read elsewhere and use it when they think it is appropriate. That is why, after a blow up or a period of NC, they come back telling us all the things we want to hear. They have not had a “revelation” they have simply remembered all the things we have told them we wanted and are repeating them back to us, sometimes word for word! NOT cuz they mean them just because they KNOW what to say to get them what they want. For that moment. They will take it all back, of course. At some point. Evil SOB’s.

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    1. Yep my N could talk himself out of a paper bag, I love you so much…..what B.S.!! And unfortunately use fall for it. That’s the thing I just couldn’t get my head around, look me in the eye and lie straight to my face! ! They look so convincing. Mean while he’s plotting his next move. Now that has gone , , all the times things didn’t add up all make sense. His favourite was asking me everyday wen I would be back home. I absolutely knew that it was because he was upto something…and I would get mad and say why do you wanna no for?. Then he would pretend to look hurt and say….I was just asking, and i wish you wouldn’t question me like that….so that I feel the bad guy. Grrrrrr

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      1. Shazza, the whole time I was with my ex he never got home before me. I would get home and leave again just to try to get hoe after him because it just seemed so strange that no matter how late I got home he would get home within 1/2 an hour after me. It was finally one day when his sister was working with me and riding in the truck that we heard a voice come out of the glove box. I would have thought I was crazy if I was alone and no one would have believed me anyway. But his sister heard it also, my dog heard it and cocked his head and was looking at the glove box. We had ben talking about the fact that no matter what her and I talked about he always seemed to bring that topic up later. He had put a “new” radio in the truck and it was the same as the one I had in there and then the heater didn’t work, I was pissed about it. But her and I figured he must have put some sort of tracking device or something in the truck and we ha picked up some random signal while driving. We never did find anything but a couple of years later after I had left him, a mechanic was putting a new deck on my truck and he came to me with this little, what looked like a screw, in his hand. He said it was a tracking device and asked me if I had anyone stalking me.
        I knew then that if he had something hidden on the truck to listen to me or track me I never would have found it anyway. I still don’t know why he was tracking me, to make sure I didn’t catch him doing something he shouldn’t have been, control? he hated me working. Sometimes he would call me and say he was heading home and I would be like a couple of hours from home, I would feel guilty because I would want to be home with him. I would rush home and he wouldn’t be there.
        They aren’t necessarily doing something every time, just to keep you off balance and suspicious, and make you think you are going crazy. I would be sure he was up to something and he would say I was being paranoid but things just didn’t add up. It would turn out he wasn’t up to anything, THAT TIME! So I would think maybe he is right, maybe I am just paranoid.
        Their whole life is a game of strategy, always trying to stay one step ahead of the other guy. It isn’t confined to their “love” relationships, it is all their relationships, business, friendships, family, we just get focussed on our relationship, but they are always hedging their bets and looking to screw someone over.

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  4. I know this has been said countless times, BUT, I saw phrases and sentences that were actually verbatim to those of my ExN. My God, please find their playbook and burn the SOB. I have got to go get some of his old letters and reread them. Maybe I’ll post some of his gems. LOL!

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    1. Kim, because of this new discovery I have been going through old letters from him in case I need them to prove he is lying. I hate reading them. It takes me back and its been so long since I had anything to do with him, I feel dirty reading them, like I am communicating with him. It is amazing, I can see the bullshit so easily now but he used to be able to really get to me. I was going to post some of them as a teaching tool. A typical narcspeak.

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    2. Kim If you want to post some old letters that show typical Narcspeak we might get some laughs and maybe the light will go on for others. Anyone that wants to add something that is typical “narc word salad” feel free! but lets keep it to this post so its’ all in one place
      Good idea Kim
      hugs
      Carrie

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  5. Here is a recent email from my ex who is a text book Narc (and this is CLASSIC), my thoughts are *** like this *** after his words (I hope it’s not too confusing), but I seriously can laugh at this now:

    “This would be much easier face to face
    **so you can sucker me in again, ah no***.

    Evie, I love you more than anything in this world. I want you to know i did not throw your cat
    *** yes, you absolutely did! I heard it and it woke me up and I had earplugs in***.

    and as far as your dog goes i would never hurt her
    **then why did you want to kill her and mention it every weekend***.

    I made those comments because i wanted a reaction
    ***OH WOW, this blew my mind when I read it***.

    It took me a long time to realize what i wanted in life, And im not talking about the last 3 weeks. I finally realized you did not care what i did for a living. I got it , finally. 3 – 4 months ago, and i have been working my butt off
    **** it hasn’t been that long that you’ve actually been working this time ***

    I have been telling you my goals, phone, car, you
    *** none of which you’ve had for 3 years***.

    I really wanted to move in with you by the end of summer.
    *** so I could take care of you, like your parents have done for 8 years****

    I made the comments about your animals because i wanted to have a conversation. You would never let me in. So I kept making them and you kept holding it in side.
    *** because I wanted to punch you in the nose every time***

    Then you blow and i dont get to speak to you again.
    **and this will be that very last time, no contact is going to work**

    I thought we wanted the same things.I am not a bad person, I just wanted you too let me all the way into your life.
    *** oh you were let in and let back out the door, where you belong****

    We all have the “fight or flight” in us. I know you owe me nothing, but i am asking,no i am begging you too fight for us.
    **like you said, I owe you nothing, so go away***

    All i want is for you to be the last thing i see when i go to sleep, and the first thing i see when i wake up. for the rest of my life. Trust me one last time.
    *** I did trust you one last time and this is the end of that one last time***

    I love you tottaly and completely.
    I Love You Evie (and my last name)”

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    1. Evie, text book alright. I love the line “trust me one last time”. JC used almost the same line. “Just give me one more 2nd chance.” and I had said, “Why should I believe you this time?” and he had said, “Because this time I mean it.”
      I took the liberty of copy and pasting his letter and putting my thoughts in. This is fun, we should hold classes on translating Narcspeak into english.

      “This would be much easier face to face
      because that way I could wear you down easier because you wouldn’t have time to think about things and it would be easier to baffle you with bull shit.

      Evie, I love you more than anything in this world. I want you to know i did not throw your cat
      and as far as your dog goes i would never hurt her

      I made those comments because i wanted a reaction
      I love you more than anything but I am such an asshole I will threaten your pets to get your attention. THAT’s HEALTHY!!

      It took me a long time to realize what i wanted in life, And im not talking about the last 3 weeks. I finally realized you did not care what i did for a living. I got it , finally. 3 – 4 months ago, and i have been working my butt off
      So what? he thought you didn’t like what he did for a living so he did nothing? he only works if you approve of the job he does? its also funny how their calendar never matches our calendar. depending on the circumstances they can make 2 weeks be 4 months or 4 months only a few days. bringing up something they did yesterday is living in the past, but they did something 1/2 ass nice 3 years ago and you have a short memory.

      I have been telling you my goals, phone, car, you
      notice where in the list of goals you fit? and “telling” is not “doing”

      I really wanted to move in with you by the end of summer.
      He wants, I notice he doesn’t ask what you want

      I made the comments about your animals because i wanted to have a conversation. You would never let me in. So I kept making them and you kept holding it in side.
      Last time I took a course of effective communication they didn’t teach that approach, “threaten the person’s pets to get them to open up about their feelings.” How did it work for you?

      Then you blow and i dont get to speak to you again.
      aww you meany!! You blow up over something stupid like him threatening your pets and he never gets to speak to you again. How unreasonable. I have to get a tissue, I am tearing up

      I thought we wanted the same things.I am not a bad person, I just wanted you too let me all the way into your life.
      Again he is saying one thing and doing something else. he wants you to let a person who threatens your pets into your life. That is only understandable if you are a psycho abuser or a masochist, or in the movie Fatal Attraction.

      We all have the “fight or flight” in us. I know you owe me nothing, but i am asking,no i am begging you too fight for us.
      Again, he takes no responsibility for his actions. You are not fighting for the relationship he says nothing about what an abusive asshole he has been and that you have every right to be afraid of him and he is going to get extensive counseling and know you owe him nothing but when he is well he hopes you will consider talking to him. No you are being selfish because you won’t allow him to come back and abuse you more.

      All i want is for you to be the last thing i see when i go to sleep, and the first thing i see when i wake up. for the rest of my life. Trust me one last time.
      Trust him one last time…. because every other time was a lie and this time he is going to be honest. If you believe that I know of a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow you might be interested in.

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