I Almost Did It!

poopI have a confession to make! I stayed up until 3 am going through old emails and journals, building my “defense”, against each of JC’s accusations. I slept like crap, my eyes are burning today and I hate feeling like this.
I don’t have to feel like this!

Something happens when you are stripped of all dignity, self respect, joy, hope and material possessions, you have to make a choice to wither up and die or find the strength to survive.

When the person you loved more than anything is responsible for your despair it is almost more than you can bare. I literally screamed at God,”What the fuck do you want?” my faith shattered at my feet. There is no describing that kind of pain, but those who have been there know what I mean.

When going through my old emails I realized I have sent no less than 6 emails since Feb 2011 begging JC to just leave me alone. I answered to the same set of fabrications in fall of 2012 and it did no good obviously. Throughout our relationship I tried to get him to see the facts but he’d just rewrite history to make himself look like the victim. To address his accusations again is a waste of my time and to put any more thought into why he won’t just go away is futile.

brick wall
To allow him to bring his black cloud into my life again is craziness.
He credits M for his new life. Then he should be so flipping thankful he has her and leave me alone. I don’t credit anyone but God and me, I am proud to say, no one “fixed” me; I put myself back together, there was no one there to help me I had to do it all alone ( that is why I started this blog). In his blog he tries to bring my brother and son into his quagmire but they also have put themselves back together and we are all living good lives. He can’t pull us down any more. None of us care what he has to say. It is all so yesterday.

Him bragging about M and him eating each other and she is delicious I suppose was meant to make me jealous but it just made him look like a jealous school boy.
In his post right above it he makes himself out to be the victim of her wrath during their move and he is the epitome of patience. I feel sorry for her, but I did try to warn her. In her defense we all know how convincing the N can be, crying about his horrible psycho ex that made his life hell and she is so rational, calm, the love of his life.

JC is part of my past, he is trying to be part of my present and I will not let him taint the peace and serenity I have found.
So far anything he has done in an attempt to destroy me has worked out in my favor.
I did not go through all I have to have him pull me back into his toxic world of deceit and control.

So I am climbing in the shower now, going to clean my little cabin, take my puppies for a walk along the lake, go to my doctor appointment and then I am going for dinner on my brother’s yacht with him and my nephew to watch the sun set.

Aaahhh life is good! Thank you God.
No one can take my peace away its God given.
Hugs to you all and welcome to all the new followers. There is life after the N and we are here for you because we all know what you are going through.
Have a great day!!

 

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “I Almost Did It!

  1. Carrie, great post…I think we all know the feeling. why do they have to keep tormenting us if they are so happy with the new woman? I guess it’s too get a reaction and to show the new woman that we are the psycho ex bitch….. but not to worry.. like you mentioned, they are next. he will slowly work on gaining control of her before she realizes what happened. stay strong ladies

    Like

    • Krissy, it all boils down to control. And for me it is because I have revealed him for what he is. No one would find my blog if they Googled his name. I understand he would be upset with my blog, I don’t put him in s very good light. But I am not trying to expose him, I am trying to help other victims. It wouldn’t matter what initials I used he would know I am talking about him.
      A normal person would stop reading it , go off with their new love and live happily ever after. It will never affect him in a negative way.

      But that isn’t good enough for him, he wants me to continue to play by his rules – make JC look good, not only that I am supposed to love him and pine away for him until I die; so distraught over losing such a perfect man. Even though he treated me like shit I am supposed to believe I deserved it. He can not handle that he no longer can control me through my love for him so he will resort to anything to get control again, make me react, make me sad, mad, beg whatever.
      He

      Like

  2. This Site has Helped Me So Much you wouldnt Believe.We all are sending you a Big Hug,
    Practice what you Preach, No Contact.!! means you Dont Speak,You Dont Read,You Dont Listen,You Dont Write, It took a Young Teenager to Wise Me up, She Spoke Bluntly as she Pointed to pile of Dog Poo Bent over and Spoke to it “Hello you Piece of Shit, I Love You,but I dont want You, Let me tell you where you go wrong,I know you cant hear me, but Im Listening so Hard for anything you might have to say. Good or Bad , So I feel so Dead inside,That makes me feel Alive .” … I Burst out Laughing and asked why she was Talking to a Piece of Shit, She Replied, Well you do!!!!, Why cant you ignore it like Normal People ?,
    Hmm From the Mouths of Babes, xx

    Like

    • Jilly thank you so much I am fine today. I had a little hiccup, trained response; but I would not give up what I have in my life now for love or money let alone for a man I already wasted 10 years on. But then I guess it wasn’t a waste at all because it brought me here doing this, meeting all these wonderful people, making a difference, and living in my dream cottage.
      But I won’t be sending him a thank you card!! Lol
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  3. Thanks for your posts, mine only left me alone when I mailed him a link to a “surviving a narcissist relationship” link, then phoned me up to tell me he wasn’t going to read it and was deleting it!
    RUMBLED!
    Stay strong, I’m still having weak moments, they pass……………………..it’s just not knowing what to do with the love :o/

    Like

    • Tina, thank you for your comment and encouragement. Not knowing what to do with the love. I know what you mean! I am over it now but for a long time I missed loving him; I loved loving him even when he didn’t love me. Thank God I learned to love myself more. Now I am very happy! I don’y want the drama and trauma he creates, and I truly don’t know why I loved him that much. How can you love someone who takes pleasure in your pain? He even said to me once, “Its not so easy to love someone when they aren’t loving you back, is it?” like I was being punished. I foolishly thought it was because he had been so hurt by a previous love and all I had to do was prove to him I would never leave him or stop loving him and everything would be ok.
      Magical thinking! There is a Santa, a tooth fairy and a narcissist capable of love.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  4. Probably, I shouldn’t say this, but there is a tiny (very tiny!) part of me that wonders why my ex has never contacted me. Though sometimes, I wonder if he lurks to check up on what I’m doing, but I’ll never know. It’s like he fell off the edge of the Earth and died. Of course, even if he tried, it’s not likely he’d have much luck doing so! I changed all my email addresses and telephone numbers, and blocked every way and every where I can! It’s a blessing to be sure, but sometimes, I hate feeling ignored. Oh well, all’s well that ends well. I’m happy and much better off without him!

    Like

  5. Something you mention here, is what really got my goat, so to speak. I found myself always, always, trying to reason with this man. Trying to understand how his reasoning and perception were just so delusional, and completely the opposite of what actually occurred. Now I know we all perceive things differently. Six people can witness the same event and each will have perception of what occurred. But with this guy, it was just so delusional, so manipulated to his reality that it truly baffled me and I just couldn’t believe it! It was always his treacherous behavior was no big deal, a woman leaving a message on my voice mail that she’s 3 months preg with his child equated to him leaving the toothpaste cap off, or leaving the toilet seat up. He didn’t understand why I was upset, and in his exact words, he has done nothing to betray my trust! I was just stunned, WOW! Really!?!? He claims she’s lying, though she recorded herself in the car with him discussing their evening plans. Like it’s no big deal he’s with her in the 1st place! And of course, he just doesn’t understand why I won’t just let him love me!! I’ve come to the conclusion, that’s why it’s called insanity, you will NEVER make sense of it, or understand it. They really do a bang up job of making second guess your own sanity, can someone REALLY be this delusional? Sadly, YES!

    Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s