I Don’t Know How I Will Forgive Myself

Today was the first time in a very very long time I wished I could call JC, not the JC of today but the JC that seemed to love Kato, He knew me when I got Kato, he was even sympathetic when I thought I would have to put Kato down when he was so sick as a puppy. he knows how much I love Kato. but of course I didn’t contact him, not even by email because that JC is dead to me. 

I got a message on my facebook today from my ex husband, we were together when my nephew was a baby and he knows how much I loved Hayden and we were together caring for him when I got to take him. He messaged to say it was nice to see me happier again. That’s nice, that’s the way it should be. There is no need to destroy each other, I have never done anything that I would deserve the way JC treated me. 

Sometimes some thing happens and you want to reach out to the person who knows that part of you the best, maybe a parent dies and you call your ex husband because you know he will relate because he shared experiences with your dad together. You reach out because they will understand better than anyone else. and at those times usually the person will be there for you for a few minutes anyway. But you can never do that with a narcissist. I think that is part of why it is so hard to end it, because you know when it is over you can’t ever contact him again because he is so toxic. 

I don’t even know if I can type this, my tears are messing with the keyboard and mouse, something horrific happened today, it is all my fault, I can’t fix it and I don’t know how on earth I am going to make it through tomorrow and the next day and the next knowing I am responsible for my dogs being put down. I am putting off going to bed because when I do it will be the last time I will snuggle them.

You see I haven’t been taking them for enough walks because I have been walking them separately because since my heart attack I just can’t handle two of them if we see another dog. Kato is fine by himself if we see a dog and he starts to huff and puff I just tell him, “don’t even think about it.” and we carry on. Whereas Laila wants to kill every dog she sees, so I have taken to walking her separately, I have been putting the leash around my waist looping it through the handle and packing a big stick in case there is a dog fight. I bought a muzzle for her but because of the way shar-pei’s faces are shaped she can rub it right off and I just didn’t work with her getting her used to it. I failed horribly.

So tonight I decided I was going to take them both down to the lake out of the park. There is a nice beach just before the resort and there was no one down there, I could let Kato loose and had rope to tie Laila up. They don’t get much fun these days, when I worked they got to do much more and Kato is used to much more freedom and much longer walks. Laila has just been so hard to walk with and hard on me with my heart and all. I have been trying to bring myself to part with her but I was selfish because I love her so much and she loves me. Like with a JC, I am guilty of magical thinking, I thought i could change her, work with her, I had done it with Kato I thought I could do it with her, but she has gotten so strong.

I didn’t take my big stick with me because I had both dogs, I didn’t put the leash around my waist because we weren’t going far and there is a steep slope down to the lake and I didn’t want her tied to me and for me to fall down on the rocky slope. We had made it to the gate and were exiting the resort when I laila’s leash slipped from my hand. At that precise moment my friend’s husband came around the corner with their two dogs. I lunged for Laila’s leash, I yelled “grab your dogs”, but Laila was so fast. I should have let him handle it I guess but I ran to try and get her and then Kato got in on it. OMG it was horrible, they both had one of the dogs and we couldn’t get it away from them. we were kicking them I was screaming, I peed my pants,. Finally we got the dog away from them and I laid on my dogs, they dragged me down the road, and I sat there for probably 1/2 an hour thinking I was going to have a heart attack, both my dogs covered in blood and it wasn’t theirs.

Thank God both dogs are going to be ok, one of them is more hurt than the other but it isn’t going to die. but they want my dogs put down. i know I have to, but it is my fault, I was lazy, or just didn’t think because we weren’t going far, we were out of the park and I thought home free. I was caught off guard when I saw the dogs coming. I blew it and I don’t know how I will live with the guilt.

It is bad enough to have Laila put down but she has been mean since day one. But my buddy, Kato, he deserves a better exit, he would never have done it if she hadn’t started it. I can’t stand the thought of him getting hauled off and being scared and alone. I knew his time was coming but I had wanted to have the vet come to the house and put him down while we laid on the bed and he could just go to sleep. This is so not what he deserves for all the years he has been my rock.

I can’t move though, I will beg for his life tomorrow, please pray for him and I and little Laila. I am going to need a lot of strength tomorrow and in days to come, I might not be around very much. I haven’t stopped crying and I haven’t eaten I want to go to bed but I don’t think I will sleep. both dogs have no idea they did anything wrong but they sense there is something wrong. Kato keeps looking at me with his questioning brown eyes, so innocent; like he used to when I would cry because of JC. Laila is pacing the house, usually she is laying with her head on my lap by now. Its a full moon to and the coyotes are howling so she is restless. I have no money, I had $5 that I gave to a friend for some smokes, my sick benefits aren’t due for another two weeks.

Isn’t it amazing how in a slit second your whole world changes?ImageImageImage 

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37 Replies to “I Don’t Know How I Will Forgive Myself”

  1. Carrie I just found this thread today…! I didn’t know this was happening with you and your beloved dogs! I am SO sorry!! This is the worst thing that can happen for you right now! Or ever! I know the love and commitment you have for your animals and also know you are a very responsible pet owner. I’m ignoring those posts above and let’s get back to the real issue… you are grieving a huge loss. I’m not sure if you have had to have them put down already? Or if there are some negotiations happening? I did notice someone referred you to a nearby rescue. I’m praying that will be an option for Laila. And I pray Kato can simply be spared because he was only reacting to her.

    Please let us know what’s going on. I had this poem from when my beloved dog Danny had to be put down. I can’t read it (or even think about reading it) without breaking down in tears…which I am doing right now!! But it’s such a wonderful tribute to our dogs and to the people who love them….and have to let them go. God bless you Carrie. You have given your all to your dogs and to us…..

    Victory
    By Kristen Abbott

    Last night I dreamt, my precious dog, who passed a day ago
    Had come to see me one last time before he went where good dogs go.
    I said, as I looked into his eyes, remembering all his days entailed
    “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m so sorry that I failed.”
    My dog immediately shook his head and said “Mom, don’t you see?
    You have not let me down or failed. In fact, you won, victoriously.”
    “But how?” I asked my sweet, sweet dog, “can you say that I have won?”
    “I tried so hard to make you well, and in the end, you’re gone?”
    My dog gave me a beaming smile and said “I do recall,
    That you gave me the one thing that I wanted most of all.
    The only thing I ever really hoped for endlessly
    Was to get the chance to live as part of a loving family.
    I’ve met so many dogs here with no opportunity
    To start each day with knowing that love was a guarantee.
    But I was given that great gift and cherished it while I lived
    I just wish the other dogs here could have had the life I did.
    And all your work to fight my illness , that was not in vain
    For each day you fought to give me was another day I gained
    The chance to have my belly rubbed, to snuggle and to feel
    The joy of seeing all the wonders the treat jar would reveal.
    You fought to keep me healthy and by doing so gave to me
    The best life I could ask for. Will you claim that victory?”
    I hugged my dog and said “But I didn’t get much time with you.
    Perhaps I could have tried something else, there’s more that I could do.”
    My dog said, “Mom, you did all you could so please don’t hold this guilt.
    I don’t mourn the years we’ll never have. I cherish the love we built.
    One day of pats and treats and kisses and playing with the cat,
    Is more than I could wish for and I got 8 years of that!”
    I raised my head and began to feel what my sweet boy was trying to say
    “I know you’ll be okay, Mom,” he said, “You always find a way.
    So please release your heart from guilt and don’t live in regret.
    And use that love to help other dogs. You’ve never failed us yet.”
    I began to understand what he wanted me to know
    I had fought his illness bravely, and it was okay to let him go.
    I wrapped my arms around him, hugged him one more time and then
    I said goodbye as he prepared to leave me once again.
    But before he trotted away and headed off into the sun,

    He turned his head to smile at me and said “Thanks, Mom. Job well done.”

    Copyright © 2012 Kristen Abbott, All Rights Reserved

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    1. Connie, thank you so much for your kind words and the lively poem; yes I cried!! I saved it.
      I have already commented about recent events so won’t repeat myself
      It is a terribly sad time and the house is very empty as is my bed. It will rvrn be worse once my little buddy is gone
      I will get another dog, I’ll rescue one from the animal shelter; my brother made me promise because he said,”If there is anyone he knows that should have a dog its me.
      I still cry everyday and miss my little girl SO much. SO much. I still can’t really believe she s gone but after talking to the experts I don’t feel quite so guilty. I did all I could.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. This situation has brought something to my mind that at times has comforted me. I had a choc lab, I got her at 6weeks old, I loved her to pieces, she was like my little girl. A few years later, right after the birth of my son, my ex-husband and I separated. Of course it was his home, I was literally with a newborn and had it not been for a very good friend, and no home, no money, you get the picture. I had to leave my dog, I just couldn’t deal with the baby and the dog. Well my ex, jerk that he was, wasn’t responsible in her care, she was hit by a car. I once saw this movie once where the guy dies, arrives in heaven, andthe 1st thing is his dog comes running up to him. The actor was Robin Williams, I think ‘A Walk in the Clouds’, it has comforted me many times when thinking of her and getting sad. Silly, I guess, just thought I’d share it.

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    1. Cheryl, not silly at all; your story really touched me. I haven’t seen that movie, surprising because I love Robin Williams.
      Thanks sick much for sharing that! It did make me feel better.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

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