Today was the first time in a very very long time I wished I could call JC, not the JC of today but the JC that seemed to love Kato, He knew me when I got Kato, he was even sympathetic when I thought I would have to put Kato down when he was so sick as a puppy. he knows how much I love Kato. but of course I didn’t contact him, not even by email because that JC is dead to me.
I got a message on my facebook today from my ex husband, we were together when my nephew was a baby and he knows how much I loved Hayden and we were together caring for him when I got to take him. He messaged to say it was nice to see me happier again. That’s nice, that’s the way it should be. There is no need to destroy each other, I have never done anything that I would deserve the way JC treated me.
Sometimes some thing happens and you want to reach out to the person who knows that part of you the best, maybe a parent dies and you call your ex husband because you know he will relate because he shared experiences with your dad together. You reach out because they will understand better than anyone else. and at those times usually the person will be there for you for a few minutes anyway. But you can never do that with a narcissist. I think that is part of why it is so hard to end it, because you know when it is over you can’t ever contact him again because he is so toxic.
I don’t even know if I can type this, my tears are messing with the keyboard and mouse, something horrific happened today, it is all my fault, I can’t fix it and I don’t know how on earth I am going to make it through tomorrow and the next day and the next knowing I am responsible for my dogs being put down. I am putting off going to bed because when I do it will be the last time I will snuggle them.
You see I haven’t been taking them for enough walks because I have been walking them separately because since my heart attack I just can’t handle two of them if we see another dog. Kato is fine by himself if we see a dog and he starts to huff and puff I just tell him, “don’t even think about it.” and we carry on. Whereas Laila wants to kill every dog she sees, so I have taken to walking her separately, I have been putting the leash around my waist looping it through the handle and packing a big stick in case there is a dog fight. I bought a muzzle for her but because of the way shar-pei’s faces are shaped she can rub it right off and I just didn’t work with her getting her used to it. I failed horribly.
So tonight I decided I was going to take them both down to the lake out of the park. There is a nice beach just before the resort and there was no one down there, I could let Kato loose and had rope to tie Laila up. They don’t get much fun these days, when I worked they got to do much more and Kato is used to much more freedom and much longer walks. Laila has just been so hard to walk with and hard on me with my heart and all. I have been trying to bring myself to part with her but I was selfish because I love her so much and she loves me. Like with a JC, I am guilty of magical thinking, I thought i could change her, work with her, I had done it with Kato I thought I could do it with her, but she has gotten so strong.
I didn’t take my big stick with me because I had both dogs, I didn’t put the leash around my waist because we weren’t going far and there is a steep slope down to the lake and I didn’t want her tied to me and for me to fall down on the rocky slope. We had made it to the gate and were exiting the resort when I laila’s leash slipped from my hand. At that precise moment my friend’s husband came around the corner with their two dogs. I lunged for Laila’s leash, I yelled “grab your dogs”, but Laila was so fast. I should have let him handle it I guess but I ran to try and get her and then Kato got in on it. OMG it was horrible, they both had one of the dogs and we couldn’t get it away from them. we were kicking them I was screaming, I peed my pants,. Finally we got the dog away from them and I laid on my dogs, they dragged me down the road, and I sat there for probably 1/2 an hour thinking I was going to have a heart attack, both my dogs covered in blood and it wasn’t theirs.
Thank God both dogs are going to be ok, one of them is more hurt than the other but it isn’t going to die. but they want my dogs put down. i know I have to, but it is my fault, I was lazy, or just didn’t think because we weren’t going far, we were out of the park and I thought home free. I was caught off guard when I saw the dogs coming. I blew it and I don’t know how I will live with the guilt.
It is bad enough to have Laila put down but she has been mean since day one. But my buddy, Kato, he deserves a better exit, he would never have done it if she hadn’t started it. I can’t stand the thought of him getting hauled off and being scared and alone. I knew his time was coming but I had wanted to have the vet come to the house and put him down while we laid on the bed and he could just go to sleep. This is so not what he deserves for all the years he has been my rock.
I can’t move though, I will beg for his life tomorrow, please pray for him and I and little Laila. I am going to need a lot of strength tomorrow and in days to come, I might not be around very much. I haven’t stopped crying and I haven’t eaten I want to go to bed but I don’t think I will sleep. both dogs have no idea they did anything wrong but they sense there is something wrong. Kato keeps looking at me with his questioning brown eyes, so innocent; like he used to when I would cry because of JC. Laila is pacing the house, usually she is laying with her head on my lap by now. Its a full moon to and the coyotes are howling so she is restless. I have no money, I had $5 that I gave to a friend for some smokes, my sick benefits aren’t due for another two weeks.