I Don’t Know How I Will Forgive Myself

Today was the first time in a very very long time I wished I could call JC, not the JC of today but the JC that seemed to love Kato, He knew me when I got Kato, he was even sympathetic when I thought I would have to put Kato down when he was so sick as a puppy. he knows how much I love Kato. but of course I didn’t contact him, not even by email because that JC is dead to me. 

I got a message on my facebook today from my ex husband, we were together when my nephew was a baby and he knows how much I loved Hayden and we were together caring for him when I got to take him. He messaged to say it was nice to see me happier again. That’s nice, that’s the way it should be. There is no need to destroy each other, I have never done anything that I would deserve the way JC treated me. 

Sometimes some thing happens and you want to reach out to the person who knows that part of you the best, maybe a parent dies and you call your ex husband because you know he will relate because he shared experiences with your dad together. You reach out because they will understand better than anyone else. and at those times usually the person will be there for you for a few minutes anyway. But you can never do that with a narcissist. I think that is part of why it is so hard to end it, because you know when it is over you can’t ever contact him again because he is so toxic. 

I don’t even know if I can type this, my tears are messing with the keyboard and mouse, something horrific happened today, it is all my fault, I can’t fix it and I don’t know how on earth I am going to make it through tomorrow and the next day and the next knowing I am responsible for my dogs being put down. I am putting off going to bed because when I do it will be the last time I will snuggle them.

You see I haven’t been taking them for enough walks because I have been walking them separately because since my heart attack I just can’t handle two of them if we see another dog. Kato is fine by himself if we see a dog and he starts to huff and puff I just tell him, “don’t even think about it.” and we carry on. Whereas Laila wants to kill every dog she sees, so I have taken to walking her separately, I have been putting the leash around my waist looping it through the handle and packing a big stick in case there is a dog fight. I bought a muzzle for her but because of the way shar-pei’s faces are shaped she can rub it right off and I just didn’t work with her getting her used to it. I failed horribly.

So tonight I decided I was going to take them both down to the lake out of the park. There is a nice beach just before the resort and there was no one down there, I could let Kato loose and had rope to tie Laila up. They don’t get much fun these days, when I worked they got to do much more and Kato is used to much more freedom and much longer walks. Laila has just been so hard to walk with and hard on me with my heart and all. I have been trying to bring myself to part with her but I was selfish because I love her so much and she loves me. Like with a JC, I am guilty of magical thinking, I thought i could change her, work with her, I had done it with Kato I thought I could do it with her, but she has gotten so strong.

I didn’t take my big stick with me because I had both dogs, I didn’t put the leash around my waist because we weren’t going far and there is a steep slope down to the lake and I didn’t want her tied to me and for me to fall down on the rocky slope. We had made it to the gate and were exiting the resort when I laila’s leash slipped from my hand. At that precise moment my friend’s husband came around the corner with their two dogs. I lunged for Laila’s leash, I yelled “grab your dogs”, but Laila was so fast. I should have let him handle it I guess but I ran to try and get her and then Kato got in on it. OMG it was horrible, they both had one of the dogs and we couldn’t get it away from them. we were kicking them I was screaming, I peed my pants,. Finally we got the dog away from them and I laid on my dogs, they dragged me down the road, and I sat there for probably 1/2 an hour thinking I was going to have a heart attack, both my dogs covered in blood and it wasn’t theirs.

Thank God both dogs are going to be ok, one of them is more hurt than the other but it isn’t going to die. but they want my dogs put down. i know I have to, but it is my fault, I was lazy, or just didn’t think because we weren’t going far, we were out of the park and I thought home free. I was caught off guard when I saw the dogs coming. I blew it and I don’t know how I will live with the guilt.

It is bad enough to have Laila put down but she has been mean since day one. But my buddy, Kato, he deserves a better exit, he would never have done it if she hadn’t started it. I can’t stand the thought of him getting hauled off and being scared and alone. I knew his time was coming but I had wanted to have the vet come to the house and put him down while we laid on the bed and he could just go to sleep. This is so not what he deserves for all the years he has been my rock.

I can’t move though, I will beg for his life tomorrow, please pray for him and I and little Laila. I am going to need a lot of strength tomorrow and in days to come, I might not be around very much. I haven’t stopped crying and I haven’t eaten I want to go to bed but I don’t think I will sleep. both dogs have no idea they did anything wrong but they sense there is something wrong. Kato keeps looking at me with his questioning brown eyes, so innocent; like he used to when I would cry because of JC. Laila is pacing the house, usually she is laying with her head on my lap by now. Its a full moon to and the coyotes are howling so she is restless. I have no money, I had $5 that I gave to a friend for some smokes, my sick benefits aren’t due for another two weeks.

Isn’t it amazing how in a slit second your whole world changes?ImageImageImage 

37 thoughts on “I Don’t Know How I Will Forgive Myself

  1. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    Carrie, a split second… I am so so sorry. That would have been madly traumatic. I don’t know why some dogs just want t kill? Is it lack of socialisation or what? Truly – good luck, & poor Kato.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Thank you Noeleen, Shar-pei’s were bred to be ffighting dogs decades ago in China, they are one of the oldest breeds. Extremely loyal and protective of their owner and a one person dog. I was talking to an expert and they said that because she was the only one of 9 born to survive she didn’t learn to play well with others. Kato always let her get her way and I would have to make her let daddy eat, get attention from me etc. Her momma had stopped feeding her when she was a baby and i had fed her by bottle. I was HER person, and with her killer instinct combined with the bond her and I had she viewed every dog as a threat. It is so sad really. I had no idea that was what was happening.
      I am still crying.

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  2. Meagan

    I am so sorry to hear about that! I will definitely pray for you to get through all of this and for kato.
    I’m not sure when you got Laila but who knows what else was going on in your life when you did. GYou will never be able to know or think “what if I worked with her more” ….. that is just guilting yourself -for nothing you did wrong! You can’t go back! You can just go forward! my aunt is a vet! She makes house calls for euthanasia ;(
    IF IT COMES DOWN TO THAT
    I know you could find someone who would do that for you in your home.
    My heart breaks for you- as I was just thinking I don’t know what I would do without my pets by my side. My personal issues have all just occured in the past week- my moving out! If that happened to me I would not habe the strength to not not contact him! So continue to be strong!
    Lots of prayers coming your way.

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  3. ellie2013

    Sometimes no words that anyone can write will make you feel better, I am afraid THIS is one of those times 😦 Just remember if God brought you to it HE will bring you through it. Somehow, some way.

    Prays and Hugs, lots of them

    Ellie

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    1. ellie2013

      A thought about this Carrie, as you may be held responsible for the cost of the other dogs injuries. Your homeowners insurance, which I am sure you were required to carry since the owners are holding the mortgage for you should help. It will cover , medical treatment caused by actions of you , your pets etc, after paying a deductible. Please call them and report the incident. They will contact the dogs owners and make arrangements , give them instructions to submit vet bills etc. It may help diffuse the situation and help prevent any legal action against you.

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    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Ellie thank you so much! And I checked and yes I do have house insurance coverage. I have offered to pay the vet bills etc but will have to pay it over time because it is costing me $250 a dog to put them down and just don’t have any money right now.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  4. Kim

    OMG Carrie! I don’t have any words to make it better, but I am crying and praying with you. The loss of a beloved pet is tantamount to losing a child for those who don’t have children, and some that do. I am so sorry. It is not your fault. You cannot do everything, and have had SO much on your plate for many years. You know you are a good person, and you always try to do the right thing. Forgive yourself, and continue to fight for your dogs. We are here for you, like you are always here for us. Much love and prayers!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Kim thankyou I am still beating myself up but deep down I know I did the best I could. I just keep seeing her struggling to stay standing. My sweet baby girl can stop struggling now. It still doesn’t seem real.

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  5. Cheryl

    Carrie, I am so sorry you are going through this. I will def pray for you and your 2 babies! It’s not too late for mercy, or a favorable, unexpected turn of events. What really bothers me is how you are beating yourself up over these events you in no way expected or could have foreseen, knowing if you did, you certainly would have done what was necessary and responsible. None of us are hitting on all 6, 24 hours a day, ready for any situation. Please give yourself a break, be kind to yourself. Does this type of thing go to court, or does a person just say ‘I want this persons dog put down?’, and it must be done? I would think you have some recourse to the outcome other than this person having final say in the outcome of your pets. Hang in there, try and stay positive!!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Cheryl, one down and I have 2 weeks to get rid of Kato. They said he doesn’t have to be put down, I can find him another home but he is too old, it would break his heart so I will be putting him down also.
      I can’t even think about it. But in a way it is easier because he had a very full life. I was supposed to put him down 7 years ago but I refused and nursed him back to health. He has been on borrowed time ever since. He is in pain, I give him 3 low dose aspirin morning and again at night. His rear end gives out on him, he can’t sit, its too painful. He can only walk a block or two.
      I will be very sad to like him but I know I gave him 9 really good loving years, I have so many wonderful memories.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  6. Sofia Leo

    Is there a Sharpei rescue organization near you? They are not easy dogs to live with and perhaps could go to someone more physically able to handle their behavior at this time.

    Please don’t blame yourself. Dogs have issues, too, and you were not physically able to restrain Laila. I understand the neighbor wanting the dogs put down, but maybe he will be reasonable if he knows you’re trying to find new homes for them.

    I have an Alpha Bitch and I know exactly what you’ve been through. So far she hasn’t hurt anyone but I can never relax for a second if we’re out in public for fear that she’ll get into it with another dog. I would not be able to keep her if I was ever injured or ill.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Sofia, thank you. Yes I had checked into Shar-pei rescue a while back before this happened even and they wouldn’t place her because she was so mean with other dogs. I thought I could break her of it. She was really good with her dad most of the time but even beat him up occasionally and he was so passive she never had anyone put her in her place except me. I fought Kato’s battles for him so she just thought she was queen bee. She had been doing quite well on our walks, i could snap my fingers and the would sit and stay, most of the time she would keep walking if we sawva dog during our walks but she was so unpredictable and because she got away from me there was no stopping her.
      I was afraid to give her away because she would have been a prime candidate to be a fighting dog and I didn’t want her living like that.
      But for every ounce of viciousness in her body she had 3x’s the love to give.

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      1. Sofia Leo

        I’m so sorry you had to make the ultimate decision for your dogs. You did the right thing Right Now – if your health or situation had been different at this moment you might have had more options.

        I didn’t jump into the comment fray earlier because I was just too mad to be civil, but I totally sympathize with you and your situation. It was a Perfect Storm of circumstances that led to Laila getting out of your control and to be condescending and cruel to you on top of what you were already dealing with was unconscionable and I’m sorry you had to read those words.

        I, for one, never thought you were irresponsible in any way and am so sorry for your loss. We can only do the best we can for these troubled dogs and pray that when the day comes that they act out there are no other dogs nearby.

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  7. Melanie

    Carrie,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your beloved dogs. Obviously they have brought you great comfort and have been your loyal companions. There really are not sufficient words. Know that we’ll all be thinking about you and hoping this unfortunate situation is resolved amicably. Another person responding with the name of a rescue organization – I hope they’ll be able to help you. Please let us know how things work out for you.

    Sending hugs from here,
    Melanie

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Cindy, thank you. As I said a few comments back, poor Laila didn’t stand a chance and deep down I knew she was a ticking time bomb. She just was such a goofy girl and so loving. I couldn’t part with her.
      I was going to fight for Kato’s life and friends have written letters of reference for him pleading his case. But for over a year I he debated putting him down because he is always in pain and the aspirins I give him daily are hard on his stomach. He has cataracts, he can’t even ride in the car comfortably. Its almost 2 pm and he is still in bed. Without Laila bugging him he prefers to sleep. He used to stay at Colin’s some times and Colin told me he would sleep til one or two. He should have been put down 7 years ago and we had 7 more wonderful years. I always said I wouldn’t let him suffer but I haven’t been able to put him down. Maybe God is making that decision for me. If i fight to keep him i will end up putting him down within the year anyway.
      With Laila going first it gives me time to just love on Kato for a few weeks and he leaves knowing how much I love him.
      I always dreaded the day but knew it was coming and it could have some any time in those 7 years. My brother offered to take him in for me but he has been by my side through everything, my loyal loving protective little buddy and I will be by his side until his last breath. No matter how hard it is, i will not pawn it off on someone else.
      Hugs
      Cindy
      Thankyou
      Carrie

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  8. twistedheart

    Omg Carrie!! I am crying so so hard for you and your pups. I don’t even know what to say right now. I cannot imagine being in your position. I am just so so sorry. I will be thinking of you and your pups. I know how much you love them and how much they mean to you…and how much they love you. My thoughts are with you. Is there any other alternative? My hearts breaks for you…

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  9. Nita

    I am so sorry you have to go through this. I love my animals and feel your pain. Your sight has been very helpful to me. Here is a heart felt hug

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  10. crystalwolf (@krystalwolfgrl)

    My WGSD died in June and I rescued another. She had been wandering the streets with her two 12 wks old pups. She had no training what so ever. So I am basically training a BIG pup. I had to get a pinch collar for her. She was pulling too much. The other day I took her out to go potty and a guy was there with two black labs off leash. They came bounding up to her. Thank god they were labs. She was pissed and barked, the owner yelled at the and they finally came back. He kept saying he was sorry. My dog she looked at him and barked right at him. She was pissed. It could of been worse. Dogs have no business being off leash if they aren’t FULLY TRAINED. PERIOD. No excuses. My other girl was dog aggressive and I watched her like a hawk. One look and she Got jerked off her feet. She was 85 lbs.
    I’m sorry. But your lucky both dogs weren’t put down.
    You can teach a old dog new tricks. Get a pinch collar for your remaining dog or hire a professional dog trainer. And never let your dog off leash. For any reason. Unless it is totally obedience trained. TOTALLY. Like stop on a dime.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Crystalwolf, my dogs were not off leash. I am not an irresponsible dog owner. My male was dog aggressive when I got him and with a lot of work I broke him of it to the point where all I have to say is “don”t think about it” and he stops immediately. He can and has been off leash and as long as the other dog doesn’t charge him he will just keep on walking.
      Laila was the only one of 9 puppies to survive, her momma stopped feeding her so I bottle fed her. I socialized her from 4 weeks old on. But at about 4 months old she got really mean to other dogs and my male got very protective of her.
      For all the aggression she showed she loved twice as much and as I am sure you can guess after seeing 8 puppies die one by one and having to bottle feed her I was extremely attached.
      She was 1 1/2 yrs old and I’ve had two heart attacks in that time. I have not been physically able to give her the training she needed. I started walking them separately and had a training choke chain on her and usually had her leash attached around my waist.

      The only time my male has ever even attempted to fight another dog is when Laila started it and he felt he had to back her up or if another dog rushed at him I(and he had been attacked by 3 pit bulls when he was a puppy and very defensive. But up until that night I was able to control them. That night I was not going far, I was leaving the park and going where there were no other dogs only a few feet from the driveway. There is a steep rocky slope down to the lake and I didn’t want Laila tied around my waist when we went down the slope.
      I was preparing to go down the slope, adjusting my grip on the leashes when the man (who knows my dogs are aggressive) walks towards us, Laila bolted.and her leash slipped from my hand. Kato went to go after her and he stopped when I said no. I. yelled “get your dogs”. He picked them up and dropped one. I didn’t know what to do and made the choice of going in to try and help. In retrospect it was a poor choice because for all Kato knew Laila was in trouble, I was running to her and when we got there Kato joined in the fight.
      At one point the guy threw up his hands and walked away. I said to him I just had a heart attack I can’t do this alone. Then he came back and I was able to get my dogs leashes and his dog ran off. My dogs dragged me down the road but I didn’t let go. I had to sit for 1/2 an hour because my heart was racing so bad I was sure I was having a heart attack.
      I take responsibility for the attack because they were my dogs and I should have handled it better but I am not some idiot that would let my vicious dogs run loose. It was circumstances, I was working with Laila and I had experts work with her; she was the most aggressive dog anyone had ever seen. Should I have put her down sooner? Probably, but just like with my ex N; I thought I could “fix” her with love.
      I know I could have lost both my dogs and can’t help but be a touch offended that you talk to me condescendingly.

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      1. Cheryl

        Hey Carrie, not that it’s any of my business, but, try not to get caught up in the blame game, for lack of a better expression. Stuff happens, we can not be prepared for every circumstance every moment. I honestly believe you were doing what you thought was the right thing. No, I don’t know everything about you, but from what I’ve read on your blog, you seem to be level-headed, down-to-earth, imperfect(just like the rest of us) person. You are dealing with enough emotionally without throwing blame and more guilt on top of it. Hang in there!

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      2. crystalwolf (@krystalwolfgrl)

        “I know I could have lost both my dogs and can’t help but be a touch offended that you talk to me condescendingly” I’m sorry you “took” the truth as “condescending”. When you take your dogs to obedience class you are taught to have a 6’ft leash and roll it up accordion style so it doesn’t slip out of your hands. Also you can give a quick jerk if need be. I’m sorry about your health problems but frankly that’s no excuse…(Walking is healing for bad hearts) we all have health problems most of us when we get older. As I said get your remaining dog a pinch collar and use it. Also a 6″ leather training leash.
        As stated above my last dog was dog aggressive until the day she died, she was ready to “throw down”! I watched her like a hawk and when she gave a side look she got jerked off her feet. Love doesn’t cut it when you are dealing with a dog digressive dog. Love gets your dog killed. As you learned.Yes I’m being harsh.
        My new dog was just attacked by two dogs not under the owners control. If you can’t control the dog(s) you have no business being outside with them. Period.Sorry if you take that the wrong way.
        I just lost a dog also.
        So I understand your loss. But blogging like your the victim, isn’t this blog all about NOT being a victim?
        Think about it.Before you call me names or condescending or what not.

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        1. Cheryl

          Ahhh, Carrie, just take your dose of tough love in stride, I gathered from your writing that you are aware of your mistakes, and def learned from them. It’s not always easy to hear the opinions of others or maybe the way they deliver it. Hope you are feeling a little better, hang in there.

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          1. Carrie Reimer Post author

            Cheryl , I don’t call that “tough love”, all I did was explain the facts. I was accused of having my aggressive dogs off leash and they weren’t . I was told to get a pinch collar and Laila had one on.I explained the circumstances. Yes I am sensitive about it because it is my fault but not because I am stupid or irresponsible but because I screwed up one time. I have not used my heart attack as an excuse and anyone who has read my blog would know that is not my nature, I have walked Laila until I was having chest pains and still didn’t wear her out. I was trying to find Laila a home, I have to walk my dogs, an aggressive dog will only get more aggressive if not walked. we all make mistakes. I am suffering enough having to put my dog down to allow anyone to be condescending. Sorry, but allowing people to talk to me with disrespect is what got me here. I do not allow it any more, period.
            Little Laila was the only one of nine to survive, then her mother stopped feeding her so I kept her alive bottle feeding her, she was blind in one eye and a runt, but she was vicious. The vet told me that she was doomed from the get go because she is Shar-pei to begin with, her mother was vicious, and she was raised without siblings and she attached herself to me because I bottle fed her. The vet had never seen a more strong willed dog, no one had ever seen a dog like Laila and I know many dog people. Crystalwolf does not know me.
            anyway sorry, I didn’t mean to go off on you. I have to go, a friend needs me.
            hugs
            Carrie

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            1. Cheryl

              Carrie, I understand completely what you are saying. My only thought was that I hated to see you allow the opinion and/or comments of some one upset you. You, as I concluded by reading your post, took complete responsibility for what transpired. Maybe I should’ve just minded my own and left it at that. I know for myself I sometimes have to work on not letting what other people think and say get under my skin. I guess I was just trying to help you not focus so much on what this person had to say. You seemed to me to have been dealing with enough emotion, which is also not good for your health. So, I do apologize, I shouldnt have put my 2 cents in. Hope everyone is having a good day! Long weekend coming up!

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              1. Carrie Reimer Post author

                Cheryl, my apologies for coming down on you. My immediate reaction to the comments was, OMG I am talking to JC. To me it seemed regardless of what I said the person was going to persist in acting superior and trying to make me look like I was somehow not living up to my responsibilities. It may have been off base but I have learned to go with my gut reaction and my gut reaction was I was being attacked. There are ways of expressing concern and pass along knowledge without making yourself sound superior and the other person was”wrong”.
                Once again I apologize for coming down on you, you were an innocent bystander. I probablyvshould have taken the high road and just not responded. That is more what I was angry about; I took the bait and felt I needed to justify my actions.
                Hugs
                Carrie

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        2. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Crystalwolf, I really don’t need to explain myself to you and you don’t know me or my dogs and I am offended. I had a pinch collar for my female and she was wearing it, I have pulled her right off her feet when she even so much as looked at another dog. I usually had her tied to my waist but I screwed up that night, I admitted that. My male was aggressive when he was young and I worked with him, long walks, and not allowed to even growl or look sideways at other dogs, it took a long time but he is at the point now where he can be playing in the lake and the dogs next door can be barking like crazy and he won’t move, one night he raised his head and made a move in their direction and I said, “Don’t even think about it” and he stopped and went back to looking for frogs. My male would not attack another dog, but Laila was his daughter and he was protective. I have already stated that it was my fault because I ran in to help and brought him into the fray. He thought he had to protect Laila. Yes I made a lot of mistakes that night and I admitted to all of them. I am not playing the victim.
          I have had dogs my whole life and I tried to train Laila, but I don’t know if you know anything about Shar-pei’s but a pinch collar does little because of all the skin around their necks.
          And you don’t know dick about my health, a leasurely walk is good for a person’s heart but I have congestive heart failure only two months ago and a heart attack 1 1/2 ago. I do not have the strength to take long walks and by doctor’s orders quit my job because I am not allowed to exert myslelf and right now I am wondering why the hell I am explaining myself to you.

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