Why do We Stay or Go Back?

Let’s face it, they couldn’t have been all bad right? I mean we kept going back or finding a reason to stay so there had to be some good things; there always is. We have to focus on the bad in order to stay away. It was my ability to forgive and forget that kept me hooked. For so many years I would do a mental pros and cons and the pros out weighed the cons every time. There was always some “excuse ” some plausible reason why he was the way he was or there was always the “once we move, once he got a job, once we started going to church” . You know the drill, you’ve been there and done that. 
When you split from the N he immediately erases anything good you ever did and you become the enemy, the psycho bitch from hell and the new woman is every and more than he ever wanted in a woman. Not only does he find fault he down right fabricates shit about you. In JC’s blog he expounds on how horrible I was to him and I think, I wonder what other people think about what he is saying. it is so far fetched, I would think, “What kind of spineless wimp would stay with a woman like that?” According to him I had no redeeming qualities, I was just a black hole he put all his money into  and I was never satisfied, sitting on the couch all day eating Tim Horton’s drinking vodka coolers, smoking crack and cigarettes and bitching because he wasn’t making enough money to keep me in all my vices. Why would he ask me, beg me to come back to him time after time? even go so far as lie about dying to get me back. He was in Red Deer and I hadn’t contacted him, he called me. I have love letters and emails he sent me. 
But I have shared that JC could be good to me, that the sex was great if he wanted it to be, that he was intelligent, had a great sense of humor, did wonderful things for me, unfortunately when he did nice things there was always an ulterior motive. and that changes everything. 
I have decided to not take him to court, not just yet any way. Last weekend the woman that I am buying the cabin from text messaged me saying that she was very upset because she had gotten an email saying that there had been complaints from people in the park because I was fighting with a new boyfriend in the middle of the night and keeping people awake. I told her I never have company and there is no fighting going on. She believed me, thank God!! On Sunday i went to the management board to talk to them about it and they had no idea what I was talking about. They hadn’t had any complaints and they certainly hadn’t sent anything to the woman who holds the mortgage. How very strange! Why after 3 years would he be still trying to destroy me, that is the question every one asks and all I can say is, because he is a psychopath, because he is mean like that, because he isn’t normal. 
I have been gathering up evidence to back my defense should I have to go to court, going through paper work and letters etc, probably why I thought of him last night with the dog issue too and I found this writeup he did for Tripadviser, I did a post about it a long time ago that can be found here ;
I have no desire to contact him and even if I did have his number I know I wouldn’t have called last night. As much as I miss having someone I can call who cares, who can relate to what I am going through it won’t ever be JC again. I am missing the idea of having someone who cares not JC, not even the JC I first met, it is so over for me. That is why I don’t want to go to court; because I don’t want to deal with him and the stress. I don’t want to waste another second on him.  I will if I am forced to but so far everything he has tried to do to me has failed and he is making a fool out of himself with the blog. I think I will let him hang himself but it never hurts to be prepared. 
I just remembered how he tried to convince me to get rid of all our old letters etc and start fresh, from the beginning without all that crap holding us down. I got rid of a lot of it, but not all of it. I am not that stupid, I just have to dig it all out. 
That is another thing I would like to point out, if you are still with the N make sure you keep everything, receipts, letters, emails, keep a journal, take pictures of furniture you have, the house and vehicles. You must make sure you have documents later when he slanders you and tries to make you out to be a leech he supported and an unfit mother. Never let your guard down with him, never ever, you must always be thinking what is in it for him, what is his motivation for doing this? 
anyway, does this sound like a miserable man who’s life was made hell by me?
5 of 5 starsReviewed 28 May 2007

I arrived at Barkerville, to deliver a piece of BC’s history, thus fulfilling a dead man’s last request.

I arrived much later than originally planned, when I had foreseen a day long trip, up and back, from Vancouver. It was now after dark, too late to turn the artifact over to Barkervilles curator, but too early to try and catch an uncomfortable rest in my truck. I was drawn to the main entrance, as it was still well lit, and I could see various pamphlets, and a site map, from where I sat in the empty parking lot. I was suprised to discover that Barkerville was so well preserved, and amazed at how fascinated I became at the history it embodied. I was not suprised to find that it was the off season, as it was very cold, and so very close to snowing.

I was very suprised to discover a small notice attached to the bulletin board, that said rooms were available at the St Georges Hotel, as a bed and breakfast. Carrie and I walked around the main building, and found the service entrance to Barkerville was open, but the main street was almost pitch black. We assumed the notice was out of date, and prepared to leave, when we heard music, almost indiscernable through the wind that was now peppering us with snowflakes. We agreed to press on, and did so, with the aid of a very small, yet sufficient, flashlight. As we ventured down main street Barkerville, neither of us spoke, there was no way to express the feeling that we were not alone, the ghosts from the gold rush, watched our progress on this cold winters night. (I felt that there was an otherworldly prescence, and it knew why we were there – to return the woodstove of the “hanging judge” Judge Begbe, a prominant figure from that era)

the music grew louder, (later we found out it was some resident artists practising in the town hall) and suddenly we saw a 2 story building with lights on inside, pale, yellow, welcoming light. I think I jumped a foot when someone walked by in front of the window. We then realized it was the St Georges hotel, and there was 3 or 4 people clearly visible from the street, they appeared to be sitting in antique furniture, and the lighting was apparently coming from some very old lamps. To me, the scene spelled 
C-O-Z-Y, and we were C-O-L-D, and after we debated our next move, we both swallowed our apprehension, and our shyness, and went in. I remember turning the handle and opening the door. It was as though we were transported back in time. The door closed behind us, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of being caught in a Rod Serling “twilight zone”. That lasted all of 2 seconds.

We were greeted warmly by the hotels proprietor(ess)Saya, and she informed us that there was 1 room available, and the price. At first, we did the odd thing that partners do when making a decision, eyes locked, not a word is spoken, yet there seems to be a mutual calculation, and we accepted. (actually, Carrie checked her wallet, and let me take the credit) We were shown a room, and left to ourselves for a moment. The room was something that seemed to exist only in peoples memories. The wallpaper, seemed new, yet old. the huge bed, with multiple sheets, and big down comforter, almost swallowed me up when I laid down. I hadn’t been on a bed like that since my Grandma’s, 40 odd years ago. Saya returned and took our orders for breakfast, and invited us down for refreshments and a bite to eat with the others. First we went to collect our few items from the truck. I recall the feeling as we walked down the street to my truck. I was relaxed, releived somehow, and couldn’t beleive how I felt free, far away from all the pressures that had dogged me right to the doorstep of the St Georges.

That evening, we enjoyed exchanging stories with, and learning about, 2 couples from Vancouver Island, and a couple from Germany. The hotel keeper answered many questions about the hotels history, as well as Barkervilles past. Before we knew it, it was long past midnight, and we had to absolutely force ourselves to say goodnight. 

I have no words to describe how much we enjoyed our room, our sleep, or our breakfast the next morniing. I have never slept in a museum before, I can’t remember a more fitful sleep, and I have truthfully, never enjoyed a breakfast more. I even finished Carries, there was too much for her, and I don’t normally eat in the morning, and very little if any.

What began as a quick trip, became a vacation. A 2 day break, in a long stretch of work and more work. I haven’t had a vacation in a long time, but I never had one I enjoyed more. 2 days in Barkerville, was like 2 weeks anywhere else. And one night at the St George, was a night that has yet to be equalled in my life.

  • Stayed September 2006, travelled as a couple

7 thoughts on “Why do We Stay or Go Back?

  1. Meagan

    I can not explain how important it was for me to read this tonight !!! I am only 4 days without contacting Doug! All day I felt like all I wanted to do is call him – see what he is doing – give him a hug. I miss all of the amazing good things about him. I had also made mental lists of pros and cons – and as you explained the pros always out weighted the cons! This is the first time I know that the cons out weigh the pros! When I read this I was in tears! It’s unfortunate how similar I feel my situation is to your and other who have posted- however it is comforting knowing that I am not alone and others understand what I am going through!!!! So thankful that I have found you and this resource to help me through!!


    1. Patricia

      I have to read this to keep my mind in check too. Unfortunately for me, my N has a loan in my name and is paying it off. Contact has been minimal but I HAVE to keep the peace to ensure I don’t set him off and regret losing about 8thousand dollars. I regret putting myself in this situation so so so much. But I did it because .. well.. I don’t know.. because I’m a good genuine caring person? My kindness just got used on the wrong person. He was never nice unless there was an ulterior motove, I can see that now.


      1. Meagan

        Patricia- I am in a similar situation but I just gave him money for the new home we purchased >10k. When I say I gave it to him I thought I was investing in my future. Then we both me and N were putting additional thousands of dollar on credit to fix up this home. The finances started back in Feb of this year. So I am probably around 12 thousand down from where I would have been if I had never met him.I am just going to have to take a loss.
        The home was not in my name because I was working on trying to refinance my other little house. Maybe it was intentional- maybe it wasn’t. I dont know.
        Like I said this is all very recent for me and I still do miss the good part of him so much I do know that I am only able to cope hour by hour. I cant get through one day yet without crying or wondering what I could have done different. If I could change his mind or way or thinking. Maybe if I would have explained thing differently. The truth is I still love him very much- not all of him but the man I thought I had started the relationship with – the man that was amazing, knight in shining armor for the first 14 years of our relationship.
        I keep reading the posts on this wonderful website- knowing what would happen if I continue to contact him or continue any part of the relationship.
        My mind gets it. My emotions do not.
        Like I said HOUR BY HOUR.


  2. Vanessa

    Just read the above. My N is still in my life and I can’t seem to shake it. I just had a weekend with him and it was wonderful, but it’s only wonderful for a few days. I have taken him to the airport tonight, he lives interstate now since I left him. I’m very depressed. Wonderful weekend but then nothing. I know he hasn’t got my back. I’ve been with him now off and on for 2.5 years and I have never felt so lonely and unsupported. You can never trust, you’re always pre-empting the hurt that will come. Instead of feeling great after a wonderful weekend I feel so alone and upset with myself that I can’t just call it quits for my own sake. I gave up my job to work for him previously and that’s when financially a bit the dust. I know he is no good for me, but it’s the promises, the big noting that keeps me thinking if I don’t keep him in my life I’ll miss out. I’m in limbo, I can’t cheat on him, although I want a man in my life. I remember what that feels like but I can’t contemplate it. I’m fearful of letting him go, like there will never be anyone else as good as him. He calls me a pleb because I work for a living. I’m a teacher, I worked hard to get where I am and I chose to do what I do because I wanted to work in an area I was passionate about. I’ve lost the passion. I just see some a-hole having a great life while I work myself to the bone. I think he loves the difference in our lives. All I can say about my experience so far is that I’m like the donkey that keeps going around and around on that treadmill, chasing the carrot that sounds so good but I’m yet to chase down. I wish I had never met this person. It’s been complete pain, I rise above it, then I sink into it, then I rise above it, only to sink back into it. He doesn’t have the emotional attachment that I have. I wish that someone could wave a magic wand and get me out of this spell. It’s hell that ‘I’ keep putting myself through


  3. Lisa Lenhart

    I lashed out at my N today. I don’t even know the words to describe how I feel. I saw him just last Thursday and it was a pleasant visit. It truly breaks my heart that what we used to have, will never be again. And worse, how he is lying about the things I bought. He knows I contributed $1700, he knows why I did it. He knows the financial ruin it’s causing me. And yet he keeps denying that I bought it. I keep making excuses for him as well. I told a few people today that he’s changed, that he’s not the person I once knew. I told him I cared about his health and welfare as a friend and want him to get better. I don’t like seeing him hit rock bottom. It concerns me that he will hurt himself or someone else. But why should I care? He doesn’t care about me at all! And that’s what hurts, the before and the now. I will never make sense of any of it so long as I try. But I haven’t found the courage to let go of trying to figure it out either. Am I doomed to walk in this haze for a long time?


  4. Connie

    Well hit me upside the head and call me unsentimental….but I BARELY managed to get through his “travel journal” without throwing my computer at the wall!! Sorry, but his yammering on made me sick. These people who fancy themselves writers just urk me to no end. He sounds like a perfect asshole….waxing poetic like some kind of Hemmingway! Lol…. it only makes me realize what a bubble of fantasy they live in. And how much they admire themselves. and how they think anyone would give a rats ass about the minute details of a trip they took!! Geeeezuz! Carrie you are SO lucky you got out of that one! They are masters with words….but this was SO over the top even another N would want to puke! Lol…. LOVE YOU!



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