The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done

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I apologize to everyone for not responding to comments made the last couple of days. I will try to catch up later but it was a tough day yesterday, my heart is truly breaking but even so it is better than being back with JC. I thought of that yesterday, when you are hurting so bad and you need comforting, do I miss JC? No. I could never count on him to comfort me. Mind you he was good when Kato was sick but later he fed him things he shouldn’t have even after me explaining why he couldn’t have protein. Time and time again he fed him treats that were deadly for Kato. And on those rare occasions he acted loving and compassionate I always knew he’d do something really nasty to counter act any niceness he had shown me.

No matter how bad my day is, no matter how much I am hurting I don’t want him back.

I miss a chest to put my head on, I miss having a man’s strong arms around me, I miss having someone who loves me so much his heart breaks for me. But I don’t miss JC.

I think a lot of times the victims of narcissist abuse are missing all those things also and they confuse needing those things with needing the narcissist. You are crying because you hurt, he hurt you bad and it is normal to want comforting; just don’t confuse that with wanting the N.

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7 Replies to “The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done”

  1. I often feel this way Carrie; that’s why so many of us also go back, we want someone’s arms around us, we don’t want to have to wait until we heal first… But, why is your heart breaking?? Is Kato sick???

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  2. I visited your facebook Carrie 😦 Tears in my eyes for you 😦 SOMEDAY you may know WHY things like this happen, since everything is supposed to happen for a reason. The man upstairs has ALOT to explain to me

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    1. Ellie, I spent the last two years being very angry with God and had times I had lost all faith in him or that he even existed.
      But in the end he answered every one of my prayers. As hard as it was to put her down I know it was for the best and I was able to be with her to the end. She wasn’t “arrested” and hauled away to doggie prison not knowing what’s going on.
      I was always afraid to give she away because she was so strong willed I was afraid she’d be abused or used as a fighting dog. I was always afraid she eventually take on more than she could chew and get killed.
      As it was my disability benefits arrived the day after the fight so I was able to give her a kind and loving departure.
      She and I bonded because I wouldn’t let her die; she was such a tough puppy, so spirited. but Kato will have a more peaceful retirement with her gone too. I always felt guilty because I couldn’t let her go but she was hard on Kato and he is such a gentle soul.
      I just hope she’s waiting for me when I get there, her whole body wagging.

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      1. You did the (impossibly hard) responsible thing. It’s the only way, as you said, that you could guarantee she would not be abused or used for fighting. As responsible care givers to our furry friends, sometimes it’s the only thing we can do, even though it breaks our hearts. Rest assured that she is at peace now and will be waiting for you someday…

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  3. Ohhhhh, so so sorry Carrie… I just posted on another place where you explained the situation, but I didn’t know she had been put down already. Your heart must be breaking, but I hope the poem I sent you will assure you she is waiting for you with her “whole body wagging”!!

    And yeah, I get what you say about yearning for that love and tenderness…that person who just knows you so well that words aren’t necessary. To be held in those strong capable arms…. I know that feeling…we all sure do. But you are also right that it is NOT the N….they are not that person. They don’t know us any more than they know the man in the moon. They were just masters at analyzing us and knowing what to say and do to get our souls. The wonderful thing about our soul is that they belong to US….God gave each of us a soul and they are OURS… so even though the N sucked it out of us….it miraculously comes right back to us. We just have to reach up and claim it back. No, I do not have any desire anymore to contact the N. But I do still mourn for the person I thought he was…. I thank God every day that now I know I am human…and I have the beautiful gift of a soul.

    God bless you, all of us here, and your sweet dog in heaven. XoXo

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