Retrain Your Brain

new self

We feel lost without him. When people ask why we want to go back or why we stay all we can come up with is, “I love him”. Yet we can recite all the things he has done to hurt us for hours. We can gather in here and read each other’s posts and go, “OMG that’s what my ex did to me!” , “That’s exactly what my ex said to me”.

We can rattle off a never-ending list of his abusive tactics, from adultery, to physical violence. These men have stripped us everything we owned and want everything we ever WILL own, they toss us away like garbage yet expect us to be there at his beck and call 24/7 and when we aren’t he bombards us with nasty text messages and phone calls and we wail, “Why can’t he just leave me alone?!”

So, what IS our problem? We know he is sick and even dangerous, we know in our mind that he is unhealthy and will never change, so why do we hang on? It should be easy to go no contact and stay that way and go merrily on our way just like he has. Right? So , What. Is. Our. Problem?

Almost every one here says, “I was so strong, I never took crap from guys before.”

OK, so what is the problem?

You need to put in the same amount of time and effort you were willing to put into making the narcissist happy; into making yourself happy. You were willing to dedicate your whole existence to making the narcissist happy, you handed over the control of your emotions, your money, and physical well-being just to make him happy. We have talked about gas lighting, and Stockholm Syndrome, trauma bonding and how we are all forgiving and giving people. So we know why we got here, but feel helpless to fix ourselves. We thought we could fix the N but we have no faith that we can fix ourselves. We come in here broken, tell our story and then sit back and say, “Fix me, make this pain go away.”

self improvemnet

The answer and power to heal is right in your own reach and actually very straight forward but not necessarily easy. With most addictions the physical addiction only lasts a few days and then after that the addiction is all mental. Like me; quitting smoking is not the problem, I have done it many times. It’s the staying quit where the problem lies. We have all left the narcissist and were able to make it a few days, our anger sustained us, maybe we had the support of friends but then the days go by and he starts calling and we start to weaken, slowly but surely we fall back into the addiction of the narcissist because it is what we know, it is easier than hurting but we know we are going back to hurt yet we do it anyway.

You have to retrain your brain to love yourself as much as you loved him. How sad that we don’t love ourselves as much as we love someone who abuses us. We torture ourselves and we act like we have no power over the N hurting us, we have to just sit there and get hurt time after time.

It is our choice to be hurt. Sorry but it is true. We are uncomfortable hearing that and I know I used to say, “how can it be MY fault he is an asshole and phones me and calls me names, how can it be my fault he went off with another woman without a backwards glance?” You are not responsible for those things, you were not responsible for the years of abuse you suffered with him, you didn’t know what you were dealing with and he manipulated you. He IS evil, he is dangerous, and he will continue to abuse you, as long as you let him.

You were in an abusive relationship with a very evil man/woman who ruined a part your life. It is totally up to you whether he ruins the rest of your life.

JC had an ex that never got over him, of course he described her as a drunk that made his life hell. He was with her 12 or more years. At first when we started dating he told me he had always been faithful and she had been jealous and suspicious. He was trucking at the time and her suspicions drove a wedge between them and finally destroyed the relationship. As the years went by and we would talk about our pasts etc he would let little tid bits of information slip. ( I just had an epiphany!! I just remembered that years ago JC said to me that he didn’t like talking about his past because I always used it against him later. I couldn’t understand HOW I could us it against him or why he would say that. I know now that, that is what he did!!) Anyway, as I was saying; over the years he told me about how when he was trucking he had a different woman in every town and would sometimes have one ride along with him on a run and he told me about being in a bar and two women and him going back to his truck and having a 3 some. What he had forgotten was that he had already told me, he was living with the same woman through the whole time he was trucking.

This woman would call him occasionally through out the years, in fact the first time I got a little upset with him I had woken up in the middle of the night and heard him talking. It was 3 am and he was on the phone with her, I came out and sat down and he kept talking and I got dressed and was going to go home. When he saw my coat was on that he got off the phone right away and talked me into staying. I have never been jealous if a man I am with stays in contact with an ex, I am friendly with most of my ex’s too, but we don’t talk at 3 am. The occasional phone call from her to him or him to her didn’t bother me, they had been together years. I always felt she would have taken him back in a heartbeat , he told me that she had called every new girlfriend he had after her trying to ruin his life, but why would he keep calling her? He had changed his number several times throughout the years and she always had his number. When he was in Africa she called me on my land line that he must have given her the number to, drunk out of her mind and told me all the horrible things he did, I knew she was telling the truth because it had all happened to me but she was so drunk I didn’t want to talk to her and hung up. I have always regretted I didn’t validate her and say he hadn’t changed because a couple of years later he told me she had died, drank herself to death. He got that funny smirk that they get (you know the one) and I asked what? he said, “She sure hated you.” I asked why, she didn’t even know me. He told me, “Because we were so happy.” I said, “We were?” He said, “Sure.” I replied, “You could have fooled me” He said, “We were together over 10 years, it drove her crazy.” Then I knew that him rubbing my nose in his new relationship was his MO and I looked at how she had destroyed her life over someone who viewed her as a pitiful joke and I vowed to not have that happen to me. I had come across his journals from before he met me and in them he had talked about being horny and how him and Karen had always had great sex so he was going to go over to her place and get laid. You can bet he led her to believe it meant more to him than it did. He toyed with her just like he toyed with me and just like everyone of your exs toy with you.

focusSo how do we avoid becoming emotional cripples, forever a victim? We retrain our brain. It is going to take some work on your part, you have to be very in tune to your emotions and your thoughts and you have to be diligent with your work. Sometimes we want to wallow in our pain and grief, it feels good to cry a deep soulful cry where the tears come from your toes almost, a full body cry, you know the ones. And they are cleansing and healing but we also have to heal and that is within your power.

We all made the N our whole life, we had no one else to focus on and we certainly only focused on ourselves in terms of how we affected the N’s life. Everything we did we would think about how the N would react to it, every where we went we would either worry about him stopping us from going or we would worry about how he was going to wreck it or make us pay later. What we cooked, what we wore, who we talked to, if we were happy or sad; it was all directed by the N. Now we don’t have that, we are making our own decisions, from being totally controlled in all areas of our life to totally alone. Of course we feel anxious, its like we are floating in a huge ocean and we can’t see the shore. We know we can swim, but it just seems so far away and unattainable that we panic and forget we know how to swim and drown. I have heard it so many times, “I would have done anything for him” well now put that effort into you and learning what triggers you, concentrate on YOU not him.

If you find your mind wandering to him and his new woman and how he seems so happy. Change the movie playing in your head, you can do it! Instead of visualizing them so happy, picture her crying and wondering where he is, or picture him screaming into her face how ungrateful she is and how she makes his life hell. Remind yourself that he was a sweetheart when you first met him too and then remember how he switched over night and you were so confused, so is she, and if she isn’t she will be.

When that little voice starts telling you that you should have tried harder, read material, come in here and talk to people, ask for support.

What do you do when he texts messages you or calls with nasty phone calls; well that shouldn’t be happening because you have taken control of your life and your happiness so you have changed your number, blocked his emails and calls and blocked him on facebook. As long as you are allowing him to contact you, you are giving him permission to hurt you and he will. You KNOW he is not going to change, you KNOW he will hurt you but you still allow it to happen. He will stop hurting you when you decide to take control of your life back and not allow it. If you haven’t blocked him you are hoping he is going to change, or perhaps you are hooked on the conflict, like him; any attention is good attention. The only way to stop the abuse is to end all contact and there is no excuse good enough to not end contact except children and then it has to be minimal and if the children are old enough they can deal with their father on their own.

You have to change your focus off of him and on to something else. Many times with addictions the addict will switch addictions, give up a drug and become a sex addict. So getting involved with a new man is not how you get over your ex N, you will only repeat history just like the N, you are in no shape to be in another relationship. You need to work on yourself until you get to the point of knowing you don’t need a man to fix you.

There is a tendency to read every book, every web site and any information you can get your hands on trying to make sense of the narcissist, replaying the relationship and reaffirming to yourself that yes in deed he was sick and a narcissist. But you are still focusing on the N and not yourself. You are still making yourself the victim, you are reaffirming to your self you are a victim. If anything read book about you!! how to set boundaries and stick to them, How to be a strong woman in today’s world, communicating courses, join a church, do charity work (its great for the soul and takes the focus off your troubles) if you have been out of the work force for a while sign up for school. Many victims of Ns can’t work full time because of PTSD or just their circumstances at the time. Work on removing those circumstances, if you have PTSD get help from a professional, focus on things that will help you get strong again. Work on your friendships and family relationships. Do some thing you have always wanted to do but were too afraid, even if it is some thing as simple as going for dinner alone. For me I started to attend social events alone, I never would have done it in the past but I have forced myself lately because I know how easily I can stay home alone every night and we all need friendships beyond the ones we have here.

You feel broken, you think your life is ruined, he took all your money and left you destitute, you have lost your family and worst of all you have lost faith in yourself and your abilities. You have choices:
You can allow him to keep whittling away at your self esteem and you can keep crying you are a victim and people will get sick of hearing it and he will get exactly what he always wanted; to know he broke you for life, no man will ever want you. A healthy man does not want a victim for a lover, a healthy man does not want to “fix” the woman in his life, a healthy man does not want to pay the price for the abuse another man put you through. Don’t you want to be whole again?

I don’t know about you but I have always wanted to be a better person, I have always wanted to grow and change my whole life. Life is our teacher and what we do with the lesson is up to us; we can learn and grow with each lesson or we can give up and drop out. But I thought we were all strong women who were in control of our lives and that woman would learn and grow from this.

I am a much better person for the experiences I had with my ex, I was stripped down to nothing and I had to rebuild myself. Some of my traits I left behind me in the dust, parts of me that caused me grief in the past, my obsession with the house being clean, my need to control, I learned I can only control myself, not the people around me or some of the things that happen to me; I can only control how I react and if I don’t feel comfortable reacting I don’t. I give myself permission to think about things, weigh the options and take my time making decisions, many of the mistakes I have made in my life were because of decisions a made without thinking them through. I am more patient and less tolerant of disrespect, more giving to strangers and more willing to be open with people. I don’t do shame any more, and took some thing bad and started viewing my experiences as valuable in helping others. Not every one is going to start a blog in support of victims of abuse, but every one has a purpose in life, explore and find out what yours is. There is nothing to hold you back any more, when you are stripped down to nothing you have nothing to lose.
Focus on YOU and what makes you happy. When you find yourself being critical of yourself, stop it!! you can control the thoughts you think and the feelings you feel.

I know when I was with JC and after we split I was addicted to the game of Clue that we had been playing. That was what his ex did also, always playing detective, figuring what he is up to now, who is he seeing, if he’s working, is he still in the porn sites etc etc. It is addictive trying to solve the puzzle we call the narcissist. But that is his sickness drawing you in, you can walk away. But no addiction is easy to break, I am still working on my addiction to Ice Cap’s from Tim Horton’s.

Good luck, on your journey of self exploration and self appreciation.

Hugs
Carrienew self

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59 Replies to “Retrain Your Brain”

  1. To everyone who commented on the 2nd of October, my apologies!! I don’t know how I missed them!! I appreciate any feedback and I am glad you are all finding something of value here. I came up with the “dancing with the devil” line when his sister and I were talking and she compared relationships to dancing with your partner. After you’ve danced with your significant other enough times you get to know exactly what his next dance step will be and even if you aren’t that good you get really smooth with each other and do it without thinking.
    Its the same when you are with a person for any length of time as far as the relationship dynamics go, he says this, you say that, he does this you do that, you can have fights and not even say anything because you know exactly how it is going to end up. I know I could predict when JC wouldn’t be home at night, he would promise something and I would try to believe him but deep down I would know how things were going to turn out and I was never wrong. And I know it was the same with me to him. Couples go years doing the same dance………over and over, nothing will change until someone stops dancing or changes the steps to the dance.
    All of a sudden the partner can’t follow, they don’t know what to do next and they are stepping on each others feet. Same as with the dynamics of the relationship, if one of the people changes how he/she responds all of a sudden the other one doesn’t know how to react, what move to make next and the stumble.

    JC stopped doing the dance, we had been doing the same dance for 10 years, we broke up got back together, I knew he would call and I knew what he would say and what I would say and how it would all unfold and then eventually we would get back together. BUT he stopped doing the dance and I was lost, he left me out on the dance floor, alone, with no one to lead.

    Then there were the times he looked at me with such loathing and hatred in his eyes and evil in his heart that his looks transformed and I swore he was possessed by the devil himself and that my friends is how I came up with “Dancing with the devil” LOL story time is over.
    Thanks for commenting everyone
    Hugs
    Carrie

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    1. My friend and me have been reading these blogs. She is with a N, and we just recently realized what he is they have been together 10 years he has his girlfriend but will come by the house wants to have sex while he is there. She wants to leave, but she dont know how she is afraid of what he may do if its on her terms. She has not contacted his new girlfriend because she dont want to mess up what they have going so he will leave her. My friend feels so bad for the new woman/victim. I told her lets get her out first and maybe try to save the other girl later. They have 2 kids together so she can not cut off contact completely. The children are 10months old and 7 so she will have to deal with him fot awhile. I have seen all these stories they soynd just like her husband. She wants to leave so bad but feels to weak and too scared. Would any of you be willing to talk to her to tell her what to do to get out. She has no job no money I just bought her a car more depenable than the one she had, but can not take really long trips in it. Me and her have been friends for 20 years he has tried so hard to break us but he has done damage but never broke us. I just want to help her and also for her to talk to someone she can get better help from because I have no clue what she is dealing with. She hasnt posted because she thinks he is checking her emails internet and she dont want him to know what to expect.
      Thank you so much for whatever help yall can give me.

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      1. Rachel,
        Your friend is lucky to have a friend like you!

        First things first, your friend might benefit by talking to a Domestic Violence counselor. She can call and talk to someone, free-of-charge.

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  2. Just came across this site and I thank the Lord for guiding me here! Its been almost 5 years since my ex and I seperated and I am still so affected by the craziness, mean, mind controlling, mentally and physically abusive torture I put up with for the 6+ years we were together. I have had no one to talk or relate with. I really feel a great deal f shame for staying and and allowing myself to treatedthat way.. ive still never spoke of some of th things.. I became a cutter during our relatiinship.. havent cut since. My problems now are major self doubt and esteem.. It still affects my life everday.. Will counseling help me? I never coniderd it because i was afraid i wouldnt be taken seriously or believed,, I am not alone tho.. There is understanding here and so many things that are exactly what i experienced.. thank you somuch for this site and the info you provide and the lives you will save and the lives you will and have helpd women get back. Bless you!!

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    1. Breanie, welcome! I am glad you found my site and it has helped you. A counselor can be a huge help but not all counselors even recognize narcissism or psychopaths, before you go to anyone make sure you tell them you were involved with a narcissist and if they brush you off or act condescending keep looking. If people don’t know about how the narcissist works they tend to think you are exaggerating or are the crazy one. But don’t give up, many people have found very good counselors. Aside from that educate yourself on them, knowledge is power and the more you read other people’s accounts of what they went through you will see that you are not the only one to get sucked in and manipulated by these subhumans and you are not to blame.

      I stayed for 10 years and there are others who stayed much longer and we have all broken away and are leading better lives free of the N and you can too. \Have you been to the support forum? everyone there is very supportive and some times we just need to vent

      I am really glad to hear you have stop cutting, that is awesome and shows you have a lot of strength to do it without counseling, you will get stronger over time, the big thing is to have no contact with your ex. If you are still having any contact whatsoever he will continue to control, manipulate and hurt you.
      We are here for you any time, glad you found us.
      |Hugs
      Carrie

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    2. Breanie,
      There is a lot of help out there for survivors of Narcissist. You might want to start by talking to a Domestic Violence counselor. There are some wonderful groups out there now. It is common knowledge in MOST but not all DV circles that Narcissism is a major cause of ALL types of domestic violence. So, it seems many DV counselors have an understanding of Narcissism and the impact on their targets.

      Unfortunately, your experience of low self-esteem, shaming yourself, lack of confidence, and self-doubt are typical residual traits left behind by crazy-making, chaotic, Narcissist.

      It sounds like you were a great source of Narcissist supply as you are a sensitive, gentle spirit.

      Domestic Violence Hotline
      1-800-799-7233
      http://www.thehotline.org/

      Stay strong and know that you are a vibrant, beautiful, precious person and worthy of respect, kindness and love!

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  3. Thank you for giving us a place to get some ideas how to deal with this. I know I was lucky and totally benefited from my N. But I still can’t understand how this new woman is still coming to live with him! know he is a N and he lied and cheated on her with me. I guess after being on vacation with him for 3 weeks, this dec for the holiday and 5 days later he is in her arms in Washington state. I know the answer he is an empty shell and feels nothing. I guess he would have told me 1hour before she came if I didn’t catch him.
    I just want to know how to stop thinking about him and get past all this and move on to my new life without a selfish sick narcissist
    Thanks
    susan.

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    1. Susan,
      It seems to me that you can go forward one day or sometimes one minute at a time. Do you have a support system in place? Have you sought out counseling?

      I know woman that read the Bible, prayed, went to church and used Spiritual Warfare as part of her healing from Narcissist abuse. Perhaps, you might find help via your religious or philosophical beliefs.

      Do you have any things that calm you down quickly and brings you peace and relief? Some women go for walks, work out, paint, use hypnosis or pursue hobbies to address this issue.

      Question: How can you be more self-loving? Can and will you apply these things to yourself?

      G-d bless you, Susan.

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  4. I´m so glad I found your blog, it´s been very helpful. My ex “N” boyfriend dumped me 3 months ago and I can still feel the pain…even when I know he has a personality disorder, I can´t help to remember the great guy he was at the beginning. It is specially hard now that I found out he´s dating another girl…When we broke up he said I was extremely nice, and he didn´t like that (What an irony! at first he complained about his ex´s for being mean with him) So I tried my best to be comprehensive and specially nice with him…And at the end that turned to be a mistake! Anyways I felt totally identified with your descriptions of their behavior..I want to get over it, but my self steem (which was already down) suffered…Don´t want to play the victim anymore because that´s not helping but don´t know what to do with the anxiety I still feel and how will I be able to trust again…I like him so much that I can´t imagine me with another guy…That sucks! the thing is he could be so great and so cruel…but I have to remember, is the same person who has those characteristics.

    See him with a new girl makes me wonder…Will he finally satisfy his needs? I tried my hardest and wasn´t never enough.

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience in this blog is very helpful!

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    1. Marie, welcome to the blog and thank you for taking the time to comment. We have all wondered if the new woman has some “secret” to keeping them happy but no one ever makes a narcissist happy. They always their ex was a psycho no matter how nice the woman was in the relationship. It is part of the ploy to hook the new woman. She is always so much better than the exs, until the discard and then they can do nothing right.
      Part of what keeps us hooked is that they can be so nice we keep hoping the guy we met has come back but the nice times gets farther apart and shorter until there are no good times at all. The best thing you can do is to go no contact. He is feeding off of your pain and will do things knowing you will hear about it. The less you hear the easier it will be on you in the long run. We think we want to know what they are doing but you are only torturing yourself.
      We are here for moral support any time.
      Big hugs

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  5. Not as much as a “backward glance” The “funny smirk” “made HIS? life hell”

    Left me with a mess and a pile of bills. Totally controlled. Toyed with. New woman will get the same. They don’t change.

    Oh, memories of a near past. Bad memories 90% of the time, if I’m honest.

    I am working very hard to keep it together and gain confidence and work on myself. There are days when I could find him and clobber him over the back of the head with a baseball bat. OOHH, did I say that?

    The longer I keep this psychopath away, the more crap I find I have to clean up. What a bleeping MESS they cause. WITH EVERYTHING.

    But, I am a wonderful, strong person. I believe that. To prove it, I last 12 years with a person that was into ruining my life. I didn’t think it was funny. But, to the arrogant “smirk face”, was amused.

    I did try everything and was MORE than fair.

    After the 5th or 6th time attempting to leave the asshole, he’s the one who started acting REALLY psychotic. Like wierd man.

    BUT, WHO CARES ABOUT HIM, ANYWAY? IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO SAY. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. YES, IT’S SAD THAT HIS “LOVE” FOR ME WAS AN ILLUSION BUT, LIKE SAM VAKNIN SAYS, MOVE ON.

    HE DID EVERYTHING HE COULD TO BRING ME DOWN AND KEEP ME ONE OR TWO STEPS BEHIND. THAT’S NOT LOVE.

    THE KEY IS, FOR ME, AND WHAT I’M WORKING ON DAILY IS SELF LOVE. THAT’S MY GOAL. TO BE HAPPY ON MY OWN. I GREW UP IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL ALCOHOLIC FAMILY. SO I LEARNED THAT MY EMOTIONAL GROWTH IS STUNTED. I WAS MINIMIZED, IGNORED AND ABANDONED AS A CHILD (BY NO BLAME AGAINST MY PARENTS, IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT), BUT, I NEED TO LISTEN TO MY GUT AND TRUST MYSELF AND HEAL MY CHILDHOOD WOUNDS BECAUSE NO MAN IS GOING TO TO THAT FOR ME.

    IT’S WORK. BUT, I AM FREE TO DO IT WITH NO ASSHOLE BUGGING THE CRAP OUT OF ME AND CALLING ME NAMES AND TELLING ME WHAT TO DO EVERY HOUR OF THE DAY.

    jUST REMEMBER, eVERY TIME HE CALLS YOU SELFISH OR DUMB OR WHATEVER HIS CHOICE INSULTS ARE, HE IS ACTUALLY SAYING THAT TO HIMSELF. i KNOW I’M NOT SELFISH OR DUMB. HE MIGHT BE. BUT, I’M NOT.

    THE TRUTH IS, I’M THE OPPOSITE OF DUMB AND I’M THE OPPOSITE OF SELFISH. SMART AND THOUGHTFUL. HA HA.

    I HEARD THAT THESE TYPES, NARCISSIST TYPE PEOPLE RARELY, CHANGE.

    BECAUSE THEY CAN’T SEE THAT THEY HAVE A PROBLEM. SAD BUT, I’M MOVING ON.

    HIS ABUSE ALWAYS GOT WORSE EACH TIME I WENT BACK. I DON’T HESTITATE TO CALL THE POLICE IF HE COMES NEAR ME. HIS INSULTS ARE CRUEL BUT, USELESS TO ME NOW. NO CONTACT SEEMS TO BE WORKING BUT, THE SNAKE IS ALWAYS SLITHERING CLOSE BY I’M SURE.

    BUT, I DON’T CARE ABOUT HIS ILLNESS OR HIS SOB STORIES ANY MORE. I’M ON MY WAY TO A BETTER LIFE.

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  6. I have been involved with this N for 2years now. Just recently he has started Phase 2 of Devaluing me. He doesn’t call or text much at all anymore. I am the one that contacts him. I just found this website last night, and I Thank God for it. I have blocked his number, and I am praying that he will just leave me alone. I have never been involved with a N before, and it has been life changing. I hate it!!!!! Thanks for blogging and I pray that God will give me the strength to RUN!!!!!

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    1. Crystal, I| am glad you found this site also. Please keep educating yourself on these soul vampires and STAY NO CONTACT!! we are here for moral support. It i not very often that a narc will just leave the victim alone and to go back and forth with them is extremely dangerous. Stay strong!!
      HUgs
      CArrie

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  7. I THANK God I have found this site… 4 weeks out of a 3 year relationship with a N and it was hell on earth…yet here I am crying, thinking about him, sighing from my soul almost everyday about it. I broke up with him twice (managed to be strong enough for 9 months the last time! lol) before because of cheating… but there was nothing like catching him red-handed with the new woman. Talk about a blow (but why, when I KNEW he was a cheat already?)…and even bigger blow is how he has discarded me without a backward glance/thought. This HURTS!

    My mind KNOWS the reality of the situation and who he is.. and I should be thankful for it, but God, some days my heart feels like it is in the process of dying. His previous ex, who he was still in contact with, warned me….but I still went back. I tried to warn the new woman.. she didn’t listen either…such a vicious cycle and trail of broken hearts. This site puts ALOT of the missing pieces of the puzzle together…I shudder to think of where my mind would be if his ex hadn’t told me about NPD (which my ex fits to a “T”)

    The end of the relationship was VERY explosive, so I don’t think I have to worry about him coming back around especially with the new chick… now just here figuring out how to pick up the pieces and try to be some semblance of who I used to be: Vibrant, happy, social, optimistic, beautiful, motivated… now I just feel used up, sad, angry, pessimistic, ugly and fat ( I started drinking to deal with my reflection in the mirror everyday when I wanted to leave, but “couldn’t”). I DEFINITELY need to start retraining my brain. God bless you and the steps to healing you offer here. 🙂

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    1. Bijou, my apologies for taking so long to respond to your comment, I don’t have an internet connection at the moment.
      Anyway, to address some of your concerns. For one thing most victims who are warned by n ex don’t listen. The narc is such a good liar and always makes his ex sounds like a psycho bitch who is trying to ruin his life. He also is idolizing the new woman, she can do nothing wrong, she is his soul mate, and nothing like his ex; he can talk to her yada yada…..so she isn’t going to believe anything his ex says in fact she is going to defend him and prove she is so much better than his ex. I remember when James ex called even though what she was saying \i knew to be true, she was drunk and so hate-filled it actually pushed me to him. I had never heard anyone so filled with venomous hate. I am afraid it is all but impossible to pull the victim away from the narc in the beginning. The pull is so strong, the victim is hooked on his “love”, his adoration, they are hooked on being “the best”. Everyone wants to be “the one and only”. Narcissist are able to “love” like we have ever been loved before. It is the fairy tale we read about from the time we are little girls, Snow White Cinderella, he is our Prince Charming and we are perfect in his eyes. It is literally intoxicating. They ae able to get into the woman’s head and morph into the perfect man for her.
      It is like a drug, the same chemical are released in the brain as when a person does drugs. The victim gets hooked on that initial high and the narc is really good at knowing exactly when the victim needs a little “hit” to keep her hooked. It is very hard to break that addiction and there is no 12 step program for withdrawing from a narcissist.
      There comes a point when you are with a narcissist that you have to force yourself to do what you KNOW is the smart thing and not listen to your mind telling you that you need another hit of narcissist.
      I used to have to self counsel myself all the time. I would miss him so badly and need that “hit” but dp down I knew if I contacted him I would regret it and I would be hurt again. I had to give up the dream and just trust that if I ever wanted to be happy again I HAD to walk away, I HAD to trust that although I was hurting I WOULD heal but if I stayed with him I would never be happy. Once he was with the oter woman I told myself I could love him all I wanted from a distance and I knew my ego was hurting. Even though he treated me like crap I had always thought he would never find another woman who would put up with what I did. But of course he was a total sweetheart with her and I was the psycho ex.
      Just because the end was explosive and he is with another woman, do not doubt that he will probably make a curtain call at some point in the future. It could be a year or 15 years down the road, but they almost always make another appearance to see if they can suck you back in. The victim thinks he must have changed because so much time has passed why would he bother to come back full of regrets and apologies if he didn’t mean it? And they fall for it again and get hurt again, worse this time.
      Just stay true to the course and stay no contact, it does get easier and life does better the longer you are away from his influence.
      Trust! be patient with yourself, we are here for you.
      Big hugs

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  8. Thank you for being the sounding board for so many of us. Unfortunately, I have a type, narcs. I was married to one for 3 years, he was an abusive one. The best thing that happened to me was him going to jail (as a result of the abuse) because I had no choice but go no contact. I went to counseling where I was diagnosed with PTSD but I was starting to feel better, finally breathing again! BUT THEN, a month into my healing process I met a guy who I was instantly attracted to, but I couldn’t figure out why. He wasn’t the most attractive and didn’t have much going for him but the chemistry was there. CUT TO, 7 months later here I am. One week into no contact and crying everyday. He was a certified narc, just this time not physically abusive. It was the same roller coaster that I was my normal, hints why I was instantly attracted to him. I fell hard for him fast, then he discarded me, OUT OF NOWHERE. He came back a week later begging for him back. And from them on it was break ups every 2-3 weeks for 7 months. It was a cycle, much like the one I was on before. During the ‘take me back’ phase that followed each break up he was amazing! Listening to me, communicating, buying me gifts, helping me with my kids, etc. But after 2 weeks past, it switched, every time! He was more distant and I wasn’t allowed to have ANY emotions. I never knew where I stood from day to day with him.
    Low and Behold, ONE WEEK AGO I ended it, FOR GOOD. I didn’t go into detail with him why I was breaking it off because there’s no point trying to rationalize with a narc. I blocked him on everything that I could. I still cry everyday, I’m PISSED at myself. God saved me from one narc relationship that almost cost me my life, and I got right back into another one. It was my normal, and now much like a drug addict, I am having withdraws. This is about the time that the ‘take me back’ phase starts and I can start my high again. But I got off the roller coaster and I’m not used to solid ground. I don’t know how to be free.

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  9. Thank you for this.
    I’m only 8 days into my recovery and 4 days into NC.

    But I’m lucky.
    Yeah I said it.

    He was an alcoholic to boot and the night I ran I KNEW that it wasn’t going to be good.
    He’d been getting blackout drunk then come home demanding sex.
    Many times I pushed him off me.

    But THAT night I knew it would be worse.

    Thank GOD that my friends, family and coworkers saw me and supported me and never turned their backs.

    I work for a criminal defense firm and I SEE the damage that these relationships cause.

    I didn’t want to be one of those girls who calls the cops, then takes it back.

    In dealing with the loss, I have cried and cried. I have his voice in my head when I wear clothes he wouldn’t have liked.
    But I do it.
    I even bought 3 red lipsticks and I wear them!
    I wear jewelry.
    I let my hair down and wear makeup again.

    I feel pretty for the first time in a very, very long time.

    If I had left my supoort idk where I would be.
    And yes, I read all I can get about narcissists.

    It makes me angry.
    It makes me furious.
    It hurts to know that it was all a lie, a game to HIM.

    BUT I KNOW I WAS GENUINE, AUTHENTIC, LOVING AND HONEST.

    His dismissal of it IS HIS LOSS AND PROBLEM.

    His grandiose and delusional opinions of himself will never allow him true success and his pathology will never allow him to find true happiness.

    I’m in therapy
    I know that accepting the behavior was my fault. I didn’t set healthy boundaries.

    I’m changing that.
    And though I miss the life we could have had,were it not for his massive black hole of a soul with all its insecurity, I ALSO KNOW

    He was never going to change AND the abuse would have escalated.

    I have told everyone that matters in my life what he did.
    EVERYTHING.

    It keeps me honest with them and keeps me from even thinking that I could allow him back into my life.

    Bc I can’t.
    I can’t go back.
    And I won’t.

    Because I’m worth more than just what he saw as his supply.

    Because I deserve to be happy.
    Because I’m a good person.

    Because I deserve to be loved, respected and treasured.

    I’m going to get there.

    I’m going to be happy.

    And until then, I’m going to give the voice in my head the FINGER and maybe even TWO

    While I wear red lipstick, tailored clothes, jewelry and smile.

    I’m going to hug my friends, call them sweetie and hun (southern gal), and say hello, good morning, excuse me and thank you when other people are polite.

    I’m not a monster. I just loved, lived with and (praise Jesus! )
    Left one.

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  10. Hi. SO three months ago I fled my N. He was very abusive to me and our 5 children over the course of our 18 year marriage. Needless to say I am very relieved but still very anxious and scared, and feel daily the withdrawal from the N-highs of grandiosity and perfect love. It was so HARD to leave. Even though he was an alcoholic (gave up drinking 2 years ago but turned worse in other ways), he raged, he slandered, he hated, he mocked, he coveted, he idolized, he was lazy, he was vain, he ignored the children’s needs, he lied – oh the LIES… He was a lawyer. Lost his job after rehab… due to a statement of claim – because he had borrowed money from a client and said he had security for it when he didn’t… He forged mine and my dads signature to try and prove the house was in his name when it wasn’t (We renovated my parents house and there is still litigation pending and I could become homeless but praying that the case will be dismissed because of the fraudulent actions of my N), We had barely any money for the past two years… as he tried to cobble together a practice and then the accusation came from clients to the law society. and the lies kept on unfolding. and I was waiting for my child tax benefit but he lied about doing my taxes and hadn’t filed since 2012. It was like being dragged through hell backwards. The lies, deceptions, manipulation, degrading, put downs, mockery – unreal. He was so evil. his mother was very evil too, and apparently her father was a very evil man, so I think there was some intergenerational stuff going on. His mother, whom he absolutely hated, got sick with lung cancer and died in May 31. Well at the precise moment of her death my N had a vision of a very disturbing looking women who faded to black (Jezebel/N spirit?). A few weeks later a friend of mine messaged me about a disturbing dream she had of my N being happy and well and suddenly falling very ill and collapsing in her arms. Well the lies kept on rolling in, and the money had all but stopped. It was early July and we were facing yet another weekend with no money!!! And I was forbidden to talk to my family, and yeah, not good times. Well the N suggested family suicide “Jonestown” style. and that was it. He also threatened to kill me if I ever tried to leave him, and he told me he would never ever leave me (of course not, I was great supply and he was most likely getting other supply on the side). So that Monday morning, I gathered up my strength and courage and called social services and said. I NEED HELP. They came, interviewed everyone and determined that it was unsafe for us to stay there. And the rest is history. I felt elated at first and then when the kids announced he had new, young supply (so soon, and he is happier than ever in his life…) I was not expecting to feel crushed. The discard did hurt. And he reminds so angry still (how does that work for happier than ever). I need to retrain my brain to imagine him raging at the new supply, and remember the times I basically told him to leave me and find another woman to abuse. i did say that, I remember now, that he either really hates me and has to leave to find someone that he can love and respect or he just simply can never love or respect anyone, but I was so done. A long long time ago…. i am healing, every day I get stronger. The N was going to kill me nice and slow and then replace. That was his plan. i knew it in my soul. BUT I GOT OUT!!!

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    1. Leelebell, I an so sorry I haven’t replied sooner. Your comment got lost in cyber space and I just found it now.
      I am so glad you found the courage to call for help and didn’t become another statistic. Yet another woman to be murdered by her husband. Please remain vigil about your childrens and your safety, no matter what he says or promises.
      I have not heard of one narcissist who didn’t find the “love of his life” within a few weeks of leaving the relationship. They ALL do it.
      You are going to mourn the relationship you hoped you had. His love was a sham but yours was very real and you made a huge investment in it. Don’t dismiss your feelings.
      The fact that he can immediately “fall in love” so soon after ending a relationship with you proves how sick he is.
      Keep educating yourself and allow yourself to grieve.
      You will heal.
      There is happiness after a narcissist. Promise!!
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

      1. Thanks Carrie. I know I commented on an older thread… I appreciate your blog. I appreciate the many many blogs and youtube videos I have endlessly read/watched to understand. I then try to explain to others what happened. Very difficult to do. People are not so willing to except this level of cruelty and on some levels I cannot even accept it even though I lived it. Interesting. Growing up and hearing about the holocaust as a small child (I watched the movie The Hiding Place at 8 years) I could never fathom how people could do that to others, to children. I still have a hard time with it – even now. I do not understand the heart of evil. Not that I am perfect and make mistakes. But I try everyday to be a better me. I love so much. I love my children and others and Life so much. I love God. I just cannot understand evil for the sake of evil. I am glad I don;t understand it….. Hugs back to you! Blessing on your day 🙂

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