Retrain Your Brain

new self

We feel lost without him. When people ask why we want to go back or why we stay all we can come up with is, “I love him”. Yet we can recite all the things he has done to hurt us for hours. We can gather in here and read each other’s posts and go, “OMG that’s what my ex did to me!” , “That’s exactly what my ex said to me”.

We can rattle off a never-ending list of his abusive tactics, from adultery, to physical violence. These men have stripped us everything we owned and want everything we ever WILL own, they toss us away like garbage yet expect us to be there at his beck and call 24/7 and when we aren’t he bombards us with nasty text messages and phone calls and we wail, “Why can’t he just leave me alone?!”

So, what IS our problem? We know he is sick and even dangerous, we know in our mind that he is unhealthy and will never change, so why do we hang on? It should be easy to go no contact and stay that way and go merrily on our way just like he has. Right? So , What. Is. Our. Problem?

Almost every one here says, “I was so strong, I never took crap from guys before.”

OK, so what is the problem?

You need to put in the same amount of time and effort you were willing to put into making the narcissist happy; into making yourself happy. You were willing to dedicate your whole existence to making the narcissist happy, you handed over the control of your emotions, your money, and physical well-being just to make him happy. We have talked about gas lighting, and Stockholm Syndrome, trauma bonding and how we are all forgiving and giving people. So we know why we got here, but feel helpless to fix ourselves. We thought we could fix the N but we have no faith that we can fix ourselves. We come in here broken, tell our story and then sit back and say, “Fix me, make this pain go away.”

self improvemnet

The answer and power to heal is right in your own reach and actually very straight forward but not necessarily easy. With most addictions the physical addiction only lasts a few days and then after that the addiction is all mental. Like me; quitting smoking is not the problem, I have done it many times. It’s the staying quit where the problem lies. We have all left the narcissist and were able to make it a few days, our anger sustained us, maybe we had the support of friends but then the days go by and he starts calling and we start to weaken, slowly but surely we fall back into the addiction of the narcissist because it is what we know, it is easier than hurting but we know we are going back to hurt yet we do it anyway.

You have to retrain your brain to love yourself as much as you loved him. How sad that we don’t love ourselves as much as we love someone who abuses us. We torture ourselves and we act like we have no power over the N hurting us, we have to just sit there and get hurt time after time.

It is our choice to be hurt. Sorry but it is true. We are uncomfortable hearing that and I know I used to say, “how can it be MY fault he is an asshole and phones me and calls me names, how can it be my fault he went off with another woman without a backwards glance?” You are not responsible for those things, you were not responsible for the years of abuse you suffered with him, you didn’t know what you were dealing with and he manipulated you. He IS evil, he is dangerous, and he will continue to abuse you, as long as you let him.

You were in an abusive relationship with a very evil man/woman who ruined a part your life. It is totally up to you whether he ruins the rest of your life.

JC had an ex that never got over him, of course he described her as a drunk that made his life hell. He was with her 12 or more years. At first when we started dating he told me he had always been faithful and she had been jealous and suspicious. He was trucking at the time and her suspicions drove a wedge between them and finally destroyed the relationship. As the years went by and we would talk about our pasts etc he would let little tid bits of information slip. ( I just had an epiphany!! I just remembered that years ago JC said to me that he didn’t like talking about his past because I always used it against him later. I couldn’t understand HOW I could us it against him or why he would say that. I know now that, that is what he did!!) Anyway, as I was saying; over the years he told me about how when he was trucking he had a different woman in every town and would sometimes have one ride along with him on a run and he told me about being in a bar and two women and him going back to his truck and having a 3 some. What he had forgotten was that he had already told me, he was living with the same woman through the whole time he was trucking.

This woman would call him occasionally through out the years, in fact the first time I got a little upset with him I had woken up in the middle of the night and heard him talking. It was 3 am and he was on the phone with her, I came out and sat down and he kept talking and I got dressed and was going to go home. When he saw my coat was on that he got off the phone right away and talked me into staying. I have never been jealous if a man I am with stays in contact with an ex, I am friendly with most of my ex’s too, but we don’t talk at 3 am. The occasional phone call from her to him or him to her didn’t bother me, they had been together years. I always felt she would have taken him back in a heartbeat , he told me that she had called every new girlfriend he had after her trying to ruin his life, but why would he keep calling her? He had changed his number several times throughout the years and she always had his number. When he was in Africa she called me on my land line that he must have given her the number to, drunk out of her mind and told me all the horrible things he did, I knew she was telling the truth because it had all happened to me but she was so drunk I didn’t want to talk to her and hung up. I have always regretted I didn’t validate her and say he hadn’t changed because a couple of years later he told me she had died, drank herself to death. He got that funny smirk that they get (you know the one) and I asked what? he said, “She sure hated you.” I asked why, she didn’t even know me. He told me, “Because we were so happy.” I said, “We were?” He said, “Sure.” I replied, “You could have fooled me” He said, “We were together over 10 years, it drove her crazy.” Then I knew that him rubbing my nose in his new relationship was his MO and I looked at how she had destroyed her life over someone who viewed her as a pitiful joke and I vowed to not have that happen to me. I had come across his journals from before he met me and in them he had talked about being horny and how him and Karen had always had great sex so he was going to go over to her place and get laid. You can bet he led her to believe it meant more to him than it did. He toyed with her just like he toyed with me and just like everyone of your exs toy with you.

focusSo how do we avoid becoming emotional cripples, forever a victim? We retrain our brain. It is going to take some work on your part, you have to be very in tune to your emotions and your thoughts and you have to be diligent with your work. Sometimes we want to wallow in our pain and grief, it feels good to cry a deep soulful cry where the tears come from your toes almost, a full body cry, you know the ones. And they are cleansing and healing but we also have to heal and that is within your power.

We all made the N our whole life, we had no one else to focus on and we certainly only focused on ourselves in terms of how we affected the N’s life. Everything we did we would think about how the N would react to it, every where we went we would either worry about him stopping us from going or we would worry about how he was going to wreck it or make us pay later. What we cooked, what we wore, who we talked to, if we were happy or sad; it was all directed by the N. Now we don’t have that, we are making our own decisions, from being totally controlled in all areas of our life to totally alone. Of course we feel anxious, its like we are floating in a huge ocean and we can’t see the shore. We know we can swim, but it just seems so far away and unattainable that we panic and forget we know how to swim and drown. I have heard it so many times, “I would have done anything for him” well now put that effort into you and learning what triggers you, concentrate on YOU not him.

If you find your mind wandering to him and his new woman and how he seems so happy. Change the movie playing in your head, you can do it! Instead of visualizing them so happy, picture her crying and wondering where he is, or picture him screaming into her face how ungrateful she is and how she makes his life hell. Remind yourself that he was a sweetheart when you first met him too and then remember how he switched over night and you were so confused, so is she, and if she isn’t she will be.

When that little voice starts telling you that you should have tried harder, read material, come in here and talk to people, ask for support.

What do you do when he texts messages you or calls with nasty phone calls; well that shouldn’t be happening because you have taken control of your life and your happiness so you have changed your number, blocked his emails and calls and blocked him on facebook. As long as you are allowing him to contact you, you are giving him permission to hurt you and he will. You KNOW he is not going to change, you KNOW he will hurt you but you still allow it to happen. He will stop hurting you when you decide to take control of your life back and not allow it. If you haven’t blocked him you are hoping he is going to change, or perhaps you are hooked on the conflict, like him; any attention is good attention. The only way to stop the abuse is to end all contact and there is no excuse good enough to not end contact except children and then it has to be minimal and if the children are old enough they can deal with their father on their own.

You have to change your focus off of him and on to something else. Many times with addictions the addict will switch addictions, give up a drug and become a sex addict. So getting involved with a new man is not how you get over your ex N, you will only repeat history just like the N, you are in no shape to be in another relationship. You need to work on yourself until you get to the point of knowing you don’t need a man to fix you.

There is a tendency to read every book, every web site and any information you can get your hands on trying to make sense of the narcissist, replaying the relationship and reaffirming to yourself that yes in deed he was sick and a narcissist. But you are still focusing on the N and not yourself. You are still making yourself the victim, you are reaffirming to your self you are a victim. If anything read book about you!! how to set boundaries and stick to them, How to be a strong woman in today’s world, communicating courses, join a church, do charity work (its great for the soul and takes the focus off your troubles) if you have been out of the work force for a while sign up for school. Many victims of Ns can’t work full time because of PTSD or just their circumstances at the time. Work on removing those circumstances, if you have PTSD get help from a professional, focus on things that will help you get strong again. Work on your friendships and family relationships. Do some thing you have always wanted to do but were too afraid, even if it is some thing as simple as going for dinner alone. For me I started to attend social events alone, I never would have done it in the past but I have forced myself lately because I know how easily I can stay home alone every night and we all need friendships beyond the ones we have here.

You feel broken, you think your life is ruined, he took all your money and left you destitute, you have lost your family and worst of all you have lost faith in yourself and your abilities. You have choices:
You can allow him to keep whittling away at your self esteem and you can keep crying you are a victim and people will get sick of hearing it and he will get exactly what he always wanted; to know he broke you for life, no man will ever want you. A healthy man does not want a victim for a lover, a healthy man does not want to “fix” the woman in his life, a healthy man does not want to pay the price for the abuse another man put you through. Don’t you want to be whole again?

I don’t know about you but I have always wanted to be a better person, I have always wanted to grow and change my whole life. Life is our teacher and what we do with the lesson is up to us; we can learn and grow with each lesson or we can give up and drop out. But I thought we were all strong women who were in control of our lives and that woman would learn and grow from this.

I am a much better person for the experiences I had with my ex, I was stripped down to nothing and I had to rebuild myself. Some of my traits I left behind me in the dust, parts of me that caused me grief in the past, my obsession with the house being clean, my need to control, I learned I can only control myself, not the people around me or some of the things that happen to me; I can only control how I react and if I don’t feel comfortable reacting I don’t. I give myself permission to think about things, weigh the options and take my time making decisions, many of the mistakes I have made in my life were because of decisions a made without thinking them through. I am more patient and less tolerant of disrespect, more giving to strangers and more willing to be open with people. I don’t do shame any more, and took some thing bad and started viewing my experiences as valuable in helping others. Not every one is going to start a blog in support of victims of abuse, but every one has a purpose in life, explore and find out what yours is. There is nothing to hold you back any more, when you are stripped down to nothing you have nothing to lose.
Focus on YOU and what makes you happy. When you find yourself being critical of yourself, stop it!! you can control the thoughts you think and the feelings you feel.

I know when I was with JC and after we split I was addicted to the game of Clue that we had been playing. That was what his ex did also, always playing detective, figuring what he is up to now, who is he seeing, if he’s working, is he still in the porn sites etc etc. It is addictive trying to solve the puzzle we call the narcissist. But that is his sickness drawing you in, you can walk away. But no addiction is easy to break, I am still working on my addiction to Ice Cap’s from Tim Horton’s.

Good luck, on your journey of self exploration and self appreciation.

Hugs
Carrienew self

59 thoughts on “Retrain Your Brain

  1. Patricia

    This is all so familiar.. The ex on the phone.. changing his number yet she always has it, the jealousy even though I have never felt that with other partners.. Really hits home reading this.

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  2. ellie2013

    Good post Carrie! It all needed to be said. Sadly. OUR PART. No, we didn’t cause it but we DO let it continue. I know, I know hard to let go. I explained alcoholism to my daughter when she was very young by explaining that it was like an “allergy” some ppl have to alcohol. They just CAN’T drink it, not one drop. It is the same with us with the N’s. We can’t be around them, talk to them text with them because they are NOT good for us, they make us sick. We do things that border on crazy. We become very dysfunction, our lives unmanageable. Just like the alcoholic, even one little interaction can make us “slip” right back into the craziness.

    I think we all need to become comfortable with the ” grey area”. That PLACE that is somewhere between being extremely happy and being terribly depressed. The “place” where “nothing” much is happening, where it is just ok. NO ONE likes the grey area because we have gotten used to the HIGHS and the LOWS. The drama. That is where we have learned to ” feel”. Adreneline flows in the extremes and makes us feel very good or very bad. BUT we feel. No adreneline and we just are uncomfortable. That is another reason why NC is so hard. We feel uncomfortable w/o OUR drug flowing through us. The calm, the quiet, yes, even the peace drives us crazy at first, since we have come to rely on all the drama. I crave the “grey area” now. I hate when it is disrupted. I have learned, over the years, that it is the adreneline that makes me feel sick. Is life wonderful?
    Oh no, some would say boring, at best. But it is calm ( unless the daughters N reared his ugly ass LOL ) and predictable. And I take comfort in that 🙂

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Ellie, very true, everything you said. I think we most of us have some residual addiction to the N after we split. For me it was the cat and mouse game, the clues he would leave and me trying to figure out what he was up to. When JC’s ex called me that night she kept saying, ” he thought I was so stupid, I’ve always known what he’s doing.” For her, she just could not give up the detective work and proving she was not stupid, for others it is the excitement; the highs and lows. Yet for others its yearning and striving for the N’s acceptance. And others I suppose are drawn to the N because that is the only kind of “love” they can relate to.
      Buty’s you are so right, it is SO nice to just have a “boring” life of no ups or severe downs. And lets face it, the ups never lasted near as long as the downs. After a while I found that I couldn’t even enjoy the ups because I knew I would pay for it later. It was like he hated making me happy so if he did do something nice he had to do something twice as nasty to make up for it.
      Even now in my life since I have been in my cabin; I have had downs, worries and disappointments and I have had fun, good, and prosperous times but they are little glips in the graphs of my life. I am able to handle the little ups and downs of life because I am not constantly putting out fires the N starts. I am not an emotional basket case, uncertain every day what will happen and can I deal with it. Without the N you have time to rejuvenate yourself and feel capable again. But that is impossible as long as he is in your life stirring the pot and creating drama.
      We both know because we have been away long enough that life without the N is so damn peaceful you fear him contacting you , you become so protective of your serenity.
      I am not willing to give it up for love nor money now.
      Now we just have to get the N out of your daughters liFe!!!!
      Hugs
      Carrie

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    2. Cheryl

      Ms. Ellie, you have just brought to my attention like a ton of bricks, that you described me perfectly in that being addicted to the drama, the emotional roller coaster I refused to get off of. Just one of those moments of clarity that I could see myself so clearly. How do I get myself through I guess craving that drama, and be comfortable with peace & calm again? This is certainly going to be a process and certainly wont end with just getting him out of my life. I guess the real work on self begins. Thanks for sharing that.

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      1. ellie2013

        I read Robin Norwoods ” Women who love to much” Cheryl. It became my bible LOL. She describes it , the uncomfortable feeling, the empty feeling, being like ” letting a cold wind ” blow through you. And you sit there and let it happen. Sooo hard to do. Because we want to feel something, be it good or bad. We want to pace, scream, call, text, etc. We have to actively choose to do NOTHING. Just be alone with ourselves and our emptiness. Once we get through a crisis or 2 like that, it gets easier, and we begin to “feel” better, inside and out.

        You’ll get there sweetie if you want to. It won’t be easy but so worth it.

        A big (((hug)))

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        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          When I used to get that pacy, panicky feeling I used to write JC letters by hand mostly because I was so upset I couldn’t type. I would let it all out, I probably sent or gave him 1/2 of them and the rest never got sent. I tucked them away with all the other letters I had written and not sent throughout the years. One day I dug them out and read them and my journals from those years and I realized something. Every time I felt I HAD to contact him I thought I had an epiphany or new revelation, discovered a new infidelity or felt he had been unjustly mean and I just had to tell him how I felt and I would feel so much better. But do you know what I discovered when I read all those letter and journal entries? I had been saying the exact same thing for 10 years!!! there was absolutely nothing that I hadn’t said to him 20 times over. That is what eventually cured me of needing to call, I still had my panic attacks but every time I did I would read one of the letters I had already written him and knew there was no point in contacting him, I had said it all before many times.

          AND to top it all off in his new blog he talks about all the letters I wrote him and says they were all fabrications just like my blog. I wasted so much time trying to reach someone totally void of any feeling or even the slightest desire to hear what I had to say. he did not give a damn.

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      2. Carrie Reimer Post author

        Cheryl, you can have an exciting life that is fun but not drama filled, not the severe highs and lows. Those highs and lows take a lot out of a person, mentally and physically, always living on the edge. Like I said, consciously change that voice in your head, you are telling yourself you can’t live without the drama but have you tried creating your own drama and excitement? Challenge yourself to do stuff you have always been afraid to do, step out of your comfort zone; when you accomplish whatever it is you will feel so proud of yourself and will get a high from it. I went back to school, community college; for a year of full time study and got a 4.0 GPA and loved it!! I was the oldest in the classroom by at least 15 years, even the teacher but I hated it to end. People mistake the chaos for passion and it isn’t. The trauma and drama does bind you to the N though, it is a very instinctual response for people to fall in love during times of crisis and the relationship with an N is a constant string of crisis-es.
        Rewrite the scripts in your head, now that you have the knowledge you do about N’s replay all those exciting times knowing what you know. example: that night of passion after a huge fight when he professed his undying love and it was so romantic rewrite it knowing that he was lying his face off, never did love you, he just played you for a fool because he was horny. It isn’t as romantic then, in fact it makes you feel dirty and used.

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        1. Cheryl

          I just wanted to applaud you Lou, on standing up for yourself! Reading your post brought back to my mind the fear I felt dealing with this man. When I look back at the real terror I felt that he was coming, or he was gonna knock on the door, or even him calling me on my cell. I felt like a hunted animal. I would hide the car, once even hid in the bath tub and had my mom tell him I wasn’t home. He came even after I text’d him telling him I had some sort of appt. He claimed to my mother he had gotten no text. Wow, this has really lifted my spirits! Celebrating my freedom as a human being! Not living in fear. That fear was so real. I’m so proud you stood up for yourself and demanded he respect your boundaries! You Go, Girl!! LOL!!

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        2. Steph

          I left my N a week ago (for the 3rd time) and this blog has helped me so much! It has validated everything I thought and said to him over and over again. These stories could have all been written by me. I think a lot of us feel that way. I no longer have respect for him. There will be NO going back a 4th time. You are exactly right about the nights of passion being fake, just like everything else was fake. Each time we fought, he put less and less effort into seducing me because I think he sensed that each time I was less and less fooled by it. I’ve told so many of my friends and family about your blog. I really think it’s important for friends and family to understand this is nothing like a normal relationship. You can’t reason with an unreasonable person, and you can’t talk rationally to an irrational person.

          One week later, I am grateful for my freedom. Free to do what? Anything I want – even it that means sitting here reading about N’s for hours. Free to work on healing myself. I know my worth, but sometimes I forget or start compromising my morals and values for the next man who comes along. I used to tell him all the time ” I know what I deserve and I won’t accept any less from you or anyone else.” He tried to manipulate me into believing I didn’t deserve anything, but it didn’t work and it really started getting to him. My new motto: STICK TO YOUR GUNS!

          The best advice I received was HAVE A PLAN and whatever you do, don’t tell him. Once I made the decision to leave, I talked to friends and family and asked them to be on stand-by for that final phone call. Save money if you can. Maybe ask a friend or family member WHO YOU TRUST WHOLEHEARTEDLY to save it for you. Each day, symbolically, you will get closer to the door, until one day the opportunity presents itself and you RUN out the door and don’t look back until you’re in a safe place. Also, you could leave when a friend or family member is present. Normally, the N won’t cause a scene in front of other people. Their image to the outside world is very important. They want the world to think you’re crazy and he’s the normal one.

          Best of luck to all of us! And thank you so much for this blog! Hugs to all!

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          1. Carrie Reimer Post author

            Steph. you are welcome, you made my night to know my site has been some help to you. Great post and really solid advice on how to leave a psychopath/narcissist. You are exactly right, the hiding money, getting a support network lined up, the suggestion to have someone else hold the money for you is an excellent one, because whether you know it or not the narc is spying on you and going through your stuff. He is always sneaking and lying he just assumes every else is also.
            Best of luck and good karma to you my friend.
            Hugs
            Carrie

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    3. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Ellie it is so nice to be off of that roller coaster there is a lot to be said for grey. Even with all I have gone through the last week, it is 10 x’s better than if I was going through it with the N. and it is better than being with the N.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  3. Cheryl

    Again Carrie, thanks for another great post, and much needed encouragement and wisdom. Why does everything have to be so hard!!! All the time!! LOL, Oh that’s just life again. I gotta a lot of work to do on me. Glad people like you.are out here.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Cheryl, you are welcome, believe me I am happy to be able to do it. Every time a woman heals and moves on with her life I put a tick mark on the mental score board I have in my head, ” PLUS ONE FOR THE SURVIVORS MINUS ONE FOR THE NARCISSIST
      HUGS
      Carrie

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  4. Cheryl

    I don’t mean to be posting so much but so much is hitting home with me. The things I’ve read talking about them doing.something nice or so kind for you and it being followed up by some thing equally horrible, if not worse. I got to the point I would be afraid when he did something wonderful because I knew there would be hell to pay, and would get filled with dread. Before this man, I honestly never knew this whole Narcissist thing existed. So many times I just sat there mouth hanging open, in shock that someone would do these things, and then use this reverse psychology hocus pocus, and it was my fault, along with everything else in his life. I still feel the same…WOW….just WOW!!! I am very grateful to have found this blog!!!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Cheryl I am so glad you are finding some stuff here that helps you. I too would dread the “good” times, even the most mundane good time because I knew I would pay dearly for it later. Some times he would do something nice in front of people and when we got home totally deny saying it or promising anything. then when he did get me something and I wasn’t excited about it and thanking him profusely he would get angry and say I was so ungrateful. But he never gave me anything I got to keep, either he bought it for himself and said it was for me, or he sold it out from under me, or invoiced me for it, and then I still paid for him pretending to be nice. He didn’t even have to be nice I was paying for him acting like he was going to be nice.
      Gawd!!! help me!!! I am SO F’n glad to be out of that!!! and you will be too Cheryl , just give yourself time.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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      1. Cheryl

        Wow, speaking of their idea of giving you something. Mine would give you something, but always, ALWAYS, find a reason to flick off, or find some thing you did and take it back! He had even done this to my son a few times, once I remember he gave my son a big bag of change. Quarters, nickels, dimes, pennies, for his bank. Got mad at me, took it from my son, stormed out and gave it to a kid in the yard next door playing. My son was so hurt, upset, and just said, ‘What did I do?’. My son went to the kids house spoke with his mother and got it back, but it was a horrible thing to do to a 9 yr old. Since that time my son would leave nothing laying about that he had given him, or if my ex started to raise his voice, my son would pick up any item. I remember once my ex asking why he was doing that, I told him he’s not stupid, once of your treacherous behavior was enough for him to catch on. I feel so guilty at what my son has witnessed my allowing a man to treat me this way. We have talked about it, he knows that’s not how a woman or a person should be treated. But still, the guilt!!

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    2. Steph

      Cheryl, you are strong! I can tell just by your words. And if you have a moment of weakness, check this webpage or just google “getting over a narcissist” or whatever is bothering you that day. Google is magic!

      My problem was I did know what a narcissist was. Why? Because my dad is one. And while talking to my mom about all the selfish things he did to her I realized that was my life 30 years from now. That also made it easier to leave.

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      1. Cheryl

        Oh Criky!! He’s.starting again, the texts, calling, I thought I saw him drive by earlier, I didn’t wanna believe it. I blocked.his #, but can’t
        remember how to reject his texts. I hate.this, I feel like a hunted animal. I’m terrified he will knock on the door. Why does this man invoke this terror in me? It’s weird, but very real. I can’t give in, I can’t do this with him.again. I WON’T!

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        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Cheryl, if you are terrified it is your gut telling you that he is dangerous. All animals are given a 6th sense to be able to sense danger, humans are the only ones who second guess their natural instincts that say they are in danger. Believe your gut and do not open the door. I watched an Oprah show years ago where there was a detective on saying that every case where a woman was brutally raped or beaten she said that just prior she had sensed danger and second guessed herself. A deer that senses danger doesn’t stand in the forest wondering, “Is that danger I am sensing?” “If I run the other deer will laugh at me if there isn’t danger” I’ll just wait and see if there really is danger” No they run!!!! They don’t go back to see if they were right, they thank their lucky stars they got away and all the other deer run too.
          I don’t know how to block texts but there should be something on the net about it and if you can’t find something I would change my number, you can do it any time and they do it immediately. I did it right in the middle of a text war with my ex, he called and was saying horrible things and I hung up on him. I was shaking and a basket case, he kept saying stuff that wasn’t true and I was going insane. I called my service provider and asked how I change my number, that was like at 10 pm, she said she could do it right now and I said go for it. It felt so good, like I was free, of course the next day I second guessed myself but it was done. unfortunately it was my business number and I probably lost a lot of business. oh well.
          hugs
          Carrie

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          1. Cheryl

            Yes, I WILL figure it out, there is a way, I’ve done it b4, and will call customer support if I don’t figure it out. He’s not excessive, yet, but if respond it won’t end,he will spend the whole day convincing me, it was my fault he cheated, his undying love, he misses me, blah, blah, blah, all lies. He just wants to play with his favorite toy. I recently found a commuter parking lot 2 blocks down the road and had been parking over there when I felt he went into stalker mode b4. I have real fear of this man and can’t stand his presence when we would have really loud arguments. My thought was a normal person would leave, not him, he would just stay, sitting there looking at me. I would want to just get away from each other when the tension was knife slicing thick. That’s probably why he wouldn’t leave. He made this off the wall comment once when I told him I had some things to do on a certain day and couldn’t see him, that it would have to wait til the day after, he said, ‘Ok, but it’s like letting you have your way.’ I was shocked, have my way? It’s my day & my life! WTH does that even mean? But, then again, consider the source! Thanks, one more time Carrie, for the support. Sometimes it feels so alone.

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  5. Meagan

    Thank you for posting this !!! God has definitely put this in my path to help me through this !! thank you !!!!
    I couldn’t tell u how much once again I needed to read this
    Thank you
    Meagan

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  6. Loujean

    Absolutely Brilliant post Carrie!!! I have been reprogramming my brain for a while now and have no illusions of love any more. I just need to fully reprogram the bit that is still frightened. I am getting stronger every day though. My N caught me yesterday getting into my car after 2 weeks of NC. He was screaming at me ‘why are you doing this’ ‘I love you’ ‘you bitch, you will pay for this’ ‘this is not the end’. I looked at him straight in the eyes and calmly replied ‘I do not love you’ ‘I do not want you’ ‘I do not like you as a person’ ‘Now go away and leave me alone’. I was scared until the moment I opened my mouth and then the fear just left me. I drove away as Michael Jackson blasted out “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin” LOL absolutely pure fluke that is was at that track on the CD player. I had the biggest smile on my face because I’ve wanted to say those things to him before but was to frightened to even open my mouth and just took the abuse until it was over. Now I don’t recommend that any one do this because I did risk him physically attacking me. Weirdly enough though he stood there as though I’d unarmed him, pathetic like some little boy who had just been scolded by the head mistress with a look of shock on his face. I thought I’d be bombarded with phone calls last night but to my amazement there were none :). I am taking no more of his shit. I have truly had enough.

    Reprogramming your thoughts is definitely the way to go in every instance.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Lou, ^5 good for you!! but don’t stop watching your back, I don’t know about any other N’s but mine was passive aggressive, he wouldn’t show his anger and then tamper with my vehicle, destroy my property or something of that nature.
      But I am sure you blew him away by standing up to him, they are so used to us cowing down to them.
      hugs
      Carrie

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  7. Connie

    What a great post and great thread here!! I so relate to that “grey area” Ellie. There is a tendency to get bored without the drama of the N…. the highs the lows. The energy spent wondering what’s coming next…trying to be prepared and rehearsing what I would do/say in each scenario. Omg…how exhausting! No wonder I lost so much weight! Lol….well the weight has come back a bit, but I’m working on that. A small price to pay for sure!

    But you are all correct….the aftermath of the N is where the real work begins. It’s like someone died…but they are still “out there” and we all know it! So it’s a bit harder to move on because like I’ve heard said…there’s never any closure with an N. At least when someone dies, we go to a funeral or memorial….and they get laid to rest. NOT SO with the N!! No “rest” for the weary! Which is why NO CONTACT is an absolute requirement for real healing. It’s the only way to stop the insanity and start moving forward with our own issues. Boy do I need to do that.

    The N took a content, settled, capable woman and turned her into a fearful, anxious, isolated shell of the woman I had been. It happened so fast my head would spin for weeks at a time. After over 3 months of NC, I am coming out of the fog and trying to just focus on myself and relearning who I am. AND even becoming more of who I am!

    One issue that has always plagued me is that I am an introvert. Not like a shy, anti-social thing. It’s a term used to describe people who gain energy from within as opposed to people who get energized by the people around them (extroverts). So I do need down time…a lot. Always have. Which means I spend time alone a lot and love it. The danger for me is that now that I am recovering from the N’s abuse, being alone is not always the best thing for me. I have been trying to get out and do more things socially despite my need to re-energize often. And sometimes I miscalculate and end up on overload…then I do the opposite extreme and I isolate too much. It’s a continuing struggle for the right balance…something I am working on and trying to fine-tune.

    I’m rambling again…sorry. My posts seem to always be a bit too long…. Thanks for listening and thanks for this GREAT post Carrie, Ellie, Cheryl and Loujean!! HUGS to you guys!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Connie, I can relate so well to what you were saying. I too am an introvert and am quite content to be home alone day after day after day, I need my alone time but it can be dangerous at times because I do isolate myself. I have been forcing myself to accept invitations (and go) to functions. Living here has helped because we all live so close together, I too am becoming more of who I am, or who I want to be and less of the parts I don’t like so much. Kinda fun remaking yourself.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  8. missouriflower

    All good points Carrie, and I especially love the advice to envision her crying, wondering where he is, and him screaming into her face. All the while, he’s charming the pants off his adoring idiot followers. So very true! My ex is so boring now, I figure why even bother seeing what he’s up to? Not much point to it, other than potentially feeding the monster. Great points!

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  9. overcomeadv

    Great post…I can relate to all of it …funny that you never find the info you need until after the fact…but its nice to see that we survived being with such sick and foolish people. You inspired me to start a blog…though i just did today..nothing on it really..I want to write a book someday with a collection of true stories of those who faced tragedy and adversity and over came it. We can use inspiring stories. You are the best …keep growing. Thank you, Ruth

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  10. Dubiously duped

    Wow. I am soooo glad I found this blog, and found out what the hell went on. The article where you note that they choose strong women on purpose, that was me! It took N almost 3 years to get me where he wanted, and all of a few weeks to suck me dry. Once he had left i slept for days, and I remember telling my best friend that i felt literally “all used up; completely empty” and that’s exactly what happened. I am so happy to find validated in your stories and those of the others on the site, to cofirm that i am not crazy!
    A note: this guy actually told me he only goes for “strong, smart women” and when I asked him why he didn’t really want to say, but when pressed said something like ” because most other girls are so dumb, they’ll believe anything you say”- I found that incredibly strange, but chose to keep my rosé coloured glasses on: after this amazing had chosen me! That must mean I am strong and smart, lol.
    The way he would compliment me, it was like he idolized me, and I would regularly tell him he was crazy. He told me I looked like a movie star he was in love with…and now the new girl looks just like another movie star he loves and I know he is feeding her the same garbage..ugh

    It has been 17 days since I enacted no contact. And damn if it isn’t unbelievably hard sometimes! I’m so angry with myself for letting this happen, when I could see it coming.I don’t know how he did it. I have been doing my best to take resposibility for what I allowed happen to me, But if any of you have some insight on going easier on yourself, it would be much appreciated. I am so grateful you have this blog up. Thank you.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Dubiously Duped, Welcome!! I am glad you have found my site helpful. There is nothing easy about getting over a narcissist, the only thing you can hold on to is that you are far from alone and coming in here to vent, cry or rage even have a laugh or two is probably the best help getting over them because we are all here to remind you that you are not alone and it was not your fault. You are not the problem he is the sick one. The sooner you accept that there is no closure, he has no conscience and does not have to ability to love anyone; the faster you will heal.The victims of N’s who have the hardest time healing are the ones who hold on to the dream that the man they met will miraculously return. He was a fantasy that he created to suit what you wanted, that is why you were so attracted to him. They are masters at picking up on what a woman wants in a man and reinvents himself to be your perfect mate, your soul mate, he tells you that you are perfect for him and he appears perfect for you. It is almost impossible to resist if you don’t know what is happening, you can’t be blamed for falling in love with the image he presented. You loved honestly and expected the same, why would you expect otherwise, a normal person can never predict the evil of a narcissist, even when we see it with our own eyes it is hard to accept you have been sleeping with the devil.
      The good news is you will survive and when you are through the pain the sun will come out again and life will be better than it ever has before because you will know you danced with the devil and survived; that is a remarkable feat and makes life so much sweeter.
      Hope to see you again, drop in to the support forum where most everyone congregates.

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      1. Connie

        Welcome Dubiously Duped (DD)!! Carrie is right… you will find some good discussions on the Support thread. Be sure to go back a few months in the posts. There were some new members joining at that time so there were some great posts/advice/sharing going on. And do read her other threads and articles. You will find validation in those articles and from some of the stories you read about.

        I am going on 5 months No Contact and it definitely gets easier…different. I don’t cry hardly at all. I’m reconnecting with friends and family that he had skillfully isolated me from. I’m volunteering at the local elementary school to help me focus on something greater than myself…it’s really fun. Friends say I seem much happier, more alive. And that’s good to hear because, like you, the N sucked my soul dry. Totally empty. It was a frightening experience for me. I was very anxious and panicky sometimes but didn’t know why. I needed my sister and/or best friend to stay with me 24/7 because I thought I was going crazy! Awful stuff. And, like you, I was a smart, capable, self-sufficient, kind and compassionate woman when he started in on me. It does come back and even stronger once you get the toxic N out of your life…completely. NO contact. It’s so important. No healing can really take place until we cut off the poison from these awful creatures.

        Again DD, WELCOME and God bless you as you navigate through your healing. We are all here with you.

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    2. nmsteph

      As a strong woman, I also get mad at myself for letting myself get duped. This blog helps me a lot. And in those moments of weakness when I’m feeling the urge to contact him, I read this blog or contact a supportive friend. I moved in then left THREE TIMES and this time it is final because I now know the truth. Try not to dwell on the past. Time to move on. Consider it a learning experience. Best of luck!!!

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  11. Kathy

    Carrie, I like the comment “Danced with the Devil and Survived”! If we can do this, than we really are strong women.. there is a lot power in that. I’m not quite there yet, but it feels like a very powerful place just hearing it. Thanks!

    I think I might chant that phrase 🙂

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  12. Dubiously duped

    Thanks to Carrie and everybody for their wonderful helpful comments, I will definitely be checking out the support forum. I too love carries line: “danced with the devil and survived”! That little ditty is going to be repeated in my head many times I think:) what an evil little man. Drives me mad that he’s out there telling lies about me that I’m not around or aware of to defend myself against. Yuk.

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