Communication

communicaiton skills
I have noticed something lately, maybe no one else has noticed, maybe I am just being ultra sensitive, but I have been watching how people communicate.

Recently on one of my pages where most everyone congregates the touchy subject of abortion came up and we all shared our views on the subject and I was so pleased that women were willing to share such personal and painful experiences in support of another person. As with any topic of that nature there was a difference of opinions and I waited to see how it all would unfold.

One of the women who had shared some very painful experiences later felt someone else had judged her for her choices and she expressed it in a very calm and rational manner. Later others commented and it was very apparent that the main focus of the group was to support each others right to choose and to respect each person’s views on the topic. I did not see one person attack another person and I believe it is resolved and any hurt feelings have been addressed.

Recently on one of my posts about Laila someone commented that no one should ever have aggressive dogs off leash and reprimanded me. I responded by saying I was slightly offended and explained that they were not off leash (had the person read my post they would have known that because I stated it) I recounted the events again and at the end I said I didn’t appreciate someone talking in a condescending manner to me.

The person replied back with an attack, ignoring everything I had explained twice and continued on with her same vein, refusing to acknowledge they had been mistaken in their judgement of me. I began a response and then stopped, I felt like I was back with JC again, explaining myself and him refusing to even hear what I was saying. I was judged and condemned without a trial and there was no point in arguing and I was angry with myself for taking the bait. I even looked up the IP number to see if it was JC, it gave me such a flashback.

What a difference in communicating styles. The person who attacks and points fingers and professes you to be an idiot and just plain wrong, and then the person who is willing to bare their soul in honest communication and are respected for it even though the other person may not agree. One person has hurt feelings and she expresses it in a calm non-accusatory manner.

communicateThat is how the communication goes with an N, he accuses and condemns the victim and she tries to be calm and rational and explain her side and the N totally ignores any explanation and refuses to acknowledge they may be wrong and the whole situation escalates out of control.

I have found that since leaving JC I am a lot more open with my feelings and experiences, almost like I have nothing to lose by speaking out and no one will stifle me ever again. A person gets so used to hiding their feelings and being afraid to feel for fear they are ridiculed or worse hurt for expressing them. I think many of the victims feel the same way, almost like once you have been with the devil conversations with normal people is nothing. But I can now pick up on a narcissistic personality immediately, I get that pit in my stomach and I start to respond in a defensive manner.

The N made many changes to my personality but so far I see them as positives, I like that I am more open, being open relaxes people and makes them feel comfortable and able to be open themselves. Of course that is only with normal people and not narcissists.

I know one thing, I do not roll over and show my under belly any more, and if a person insists on attacking me I will choose to walk away.

With the narcissist we kept ASKING to be treated with respect instead of expecting respect and not accepting anything less than respect.

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13 thoughts on “Communication

  1. I did not read the comments you mentioned…..but Ladies! and Gentlemen! Why in the world would you come to a site ( that is here to help all of you heal and to have some place to listen and vent to one another)…and then judge each other in an way??? Have we not learned anything from our experiences with our N’s? This makes me very sad. I am very sad that, after everything Carried has done for all of us….and all of the ways she has supported us and encouraged us….that anyone would take a situation that she is having a hard time with as an opportunity to berate her in any way. This makes me so so sad. Carrie, I am so sorry that anyone would do anything other than support you….you deserve much much better. Come on people…let’s be here for one another.

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    • Twisted, thank you for your support!! Try not to be too upset, the world is full of people who love to bring others down; unfortunately. I am so pleased with the people who come to my blog, a group of caring individuals who are supportive and respectful of each other. I am just pleased I was able to recognize that I was being baited and wasn’t upset about it. The only thing that happened when that person commented was I was even more appreciative of the people who grace my blog with their presences. Instead of giving the “haters” our attention we should focus on the wonderful people in our lives and praise them. If everyone did that the N’s in the world wouldn’t get very far!
      You are a sweetheart twisted! Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. Great and true post… Connie, I too felt a little…… Judged….. Love and compassion to you… Carrie, I too am sorry to hear someone lay blame and then not listen to your responses… I’d block that person to be honest, I don’t think any of needs or wants someone like that among us…

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  3. It has been my pleasure over this last year to see your wisdom grow. Some folks are deaf to any opinion besides their own. I celebrate the woman you are whenever I see your posts.

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  4. Reading your post just brought to my mind everyone’s spiritual journey. I’ve only just happened upon this blog recently, but can see that you (Carrie) are a very insightful person. From what you’ve said this has been gained through pain and growth from your relationship with JC. It dawned on me as you said your recent interaction kicked up a lot of those old feelings. I began to wonder if maybe some of these circumstances come about so that we may see for ourselves how far we’ve come. For me, I’m not where I want to be, but Thank God, I’m not where I used to be. Read that somewhere, but I’m really feelin it these days!! Happy Labor Day weekend, all! Hope everyone gets some rest!

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  5. Carrie, I cannot thank you enough for creating this site. It has given me strength, and it’s comforting knowing I’m not alone. I was always told I was stupid for going back to my ex N so many times, and it hurt that no one understood how I was feeling, why I had made the decision to go back with him, or even date him to begin with. It feels good being able to communicate with others who have been there and can relate; thus, making them nonjudgmental and supportive. Thanks again, you deserve many blessings 🙂

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  6. My N professed to be able to read my mind. HA! No need to explain anything, as he was already telling me what I was thinking. Well, asshat, guess what I am thinking now!

    Another great post! Perhaps your agitator has a little N in her/himself. LOL.

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  7. i didn’t read the comments you mentioned, but if one is going to judge others, then they need to be prepared to be judged! Usually such people can dish it out, but can’t take it! In this case, I have to give that person failing marks as a human being. Idiots like that have a way of crawling out of the woodwork when least expected. Your response to such attacks was amazing. I am impressed at your strength under the circumstnces!

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  8. Wonderful insights Carrie…thank you for summarizing the whole thing so beautifully. You just have a way….. it has helped me SO much. This blog has given me a safe place to learn how to express myself without fear. It’s scary for sure, but there has never been a time (even with the recent things with me and those posts) when I felt I wasn’t being understood. That’s huge. The N never understood anything…in fact he never really listened! They just zone out unless the topic is THEM. I remember spending hours…HOURS…just listening to him yammer on and on about HIS problems, worries, issues, complaints….blah blah blah. I started out trying to interject and have a normal conversation, but over time I learned (very subtly) that he doesn’t operate that way…he would always very cleverly or sometimes blatantly just change the subject back to him or even worse just interrupt me mid-sentence and start talking about something totally different! I’d sit there stunned…. but I didn’t have a “voice” then. I just let it happen and then learned to just sit and listen…. Oh he would ask questions for sure….but it was only when he was fishing for information about me that he could use later…which he did. But at the time it felt like “oh, cool, he’s finally interested in me”…. Lol…. wrong! Just looking for ammo for later.

    Carrie, you have done more for me and my journey out of this hell than I can say. I owe my sanity and perhaps my very life to you and to the incredible women here who are so willing to speak out but speak out in love and concern. Thank you….so very much.

    Praying for you and Kato this week….enjoy your special time together…. HUGS to both of you.

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    • Connie, thank you so much! for everything,I am so glad I have been able to help you, but you are doing it yourself. I just provided the truth and let you know you weren’t crazy; the strength comes from you.

      I am enjoying my final days with Kato, they are bitter sweet but it is good that Laila went first and he has time alone with me and doesn’t have to compete with her for my attention.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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      • Thank you Carrie. You are a kind person. I am thinking of you and Kato every day…. Please keep in touch with us because I know you have some tough days ahead. But for now you have your sweet boy and I know this time with him is so special. Big ((((((((((HUG)))))))))) to you and Kato (woof!)

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