The Devil You Know

My mother mentioned a TV show she watched and thought she should call me; but didn’t.

Anyway, shed said it reminded her so much of JC and my relationship. This guy meets a woman, sweeps her off her feet, she loses everything, goes back many times. In the end a friend found her and brought her home. I forget what the guy was charged with but she told police where to find him.
She had absolutely nothing and was trying to rebuild her relationship with her children.

Apparently this is a weekly show that airs on the OWN channel at 6:pm Pacific Time and 9 pm Eastern time.

I watched it tonight and this weeks episode was about a woman who was murdered by her abusive husband and it took 14 years before they had enough evidence to prosecute. Her body was never recovered. She was planning to leave her husband.

I can not say it enough! Every time you go back to one of these evil soulless bastards you are playing Russian roulette. It is not just “Will he be faithful this time”, or “Will he really marry me”; it is quite literally playing with your life.
You can say,”He’s never hit me, or he never left bruises”. But what human being puts the person they supposedly love through the hell he put you through? Who emotionally tortures someone they hate! Like he tortured you?

The series is about “The Devil You Know” about the destruction caused by psychopaths and narcissists. I thought someone might find it interesting.

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

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17 Replies to “The Devil You Know”

  1. I dont mean this to sound wrong. But for me the day to day emotional abuse is so much more painful than the physical stuff. He can go for days with out so much as giving me a peck on the cheek. I lie next to him in bed and feel so lonely. I find myself not able to express how i feel and ahow my sadness because this makes him mad and i get told im a moaning bitch and he cant ever please me. How do they be so cold, leave without a care, then swan back days weeks or months later like ur the love of there life? He even asked me before to stop telling him that i loved him and expect a reply…. You know i love u i shouldnt need to repeat it all the time he said. Then theres money. He stays with me, i pay everything as he says he is saving for a car for us. Soon as he has a bulk saved up he leaves. Blows it and comes back when he has nothing. Then repeats the saving again. I feel like he is inside my head and i cant get him out. What stepa do i take to make it different and get away? How do you even begin? Ive left so many times. Always let him back in 😦 x

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    1. Danielle, from my experience with JC I have recovered from the physical abuse long ago but the rejection, the head games and destruction of my self esteem were/are much more difficult to get over.
      In the beginning of course he always said I love you, I got up every morning to a little love note. For years, even after the abuse started he always called me Babe, and said I love you, and we always made love, but the last time we got together, once he knew he “had” me he could go weeks without saying I love you. He said he wasn’t going to say it just.because I said it. Or I was.just saying it because I was needy, or his love was cycleble, (first time I ever heard that someone’s love was cycleble!!) or if he did say it he’d say it so quietly I wasn’t sure he said it or he would say “I love you today” what the hell is that???!! And he was telling half a dozen women he loved them and was “waiting” for them. He would keep his jeans on to have sex or come to bed and lay on top of the covers.
      I know now he was making me pay for moving and not letting him move with me and doing well. He had to come back and destroy me before he could move on.
      I know some women are severely beaten, my ex usually punched me or strangled me but he never left any marks and really it didn’t hurt that bad, I guess the adrenaline would block the pain.
      But you know even physical violence is psychological. Yes there is maybe physical evidence but the real damage is psychological. After they have beat you a few times all they have to do is come at you with their fist raised. And it hugely impacts a person’s self esteem and confidence.
      The thing is, it only ever gets worse. And with every day you stay you are taking the chance that its the day he is going to lose it totally. I have heard some real horror stories of torture etc. JC used to get into these real scary episodes where he was doing really bizarre things, paranoid, angry, suspicious and it was always when it was getting close to me leaving. I knew I was in danger, I even went do far as to ask him not to use a knife because I didn’t want to die a slow death. Who stays with someone when they believe the person is capable of killing them. I used to worry every day that I got in my truck, that he had tampered with it and my brakes line would be cut, my tire would blow. I knew it but I couldn’t make myself believe it, and if you say anything to anyone they think you are crazy.
      It is hell on earth!

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      1. It feels as though we are talking about the same person. Its so bizarre. Today is my first day of no contact 🙂 it sounds petty but i deleted my fbook, changed my mobile number. This site has helped so much. I have been reading it for a while and it really affected me. I lay in bed last night untill 4am. Stressing over where he was and who he was with and then it hit me. Does it matter? Does it really matter who? She’ll just be number 14. I will admit i felt lost this evening when i put my daughter to bed and he wasnt here. Then it hit me. Hed just be sat on the other end of the couch ignoring me or moaning at me or making me run round after him. I feel relief today. I feel … Ok. Which is good. But as i have read in here, it takes alomg time to really get over it. I dont feel as though i will be able to have a relationship again without his impact on me affecting it. I feel as though i just want to be happy on my own. Im at the beginning of a long process. I no its going to be a rollercoaster. When he moves on it will hurt. Im already worried over chriatmas and new yr as our daughters 1st birthday is NYE. Do i go no contact on these occasions? Let him see her seperatly from me? These are the things im stuck on.

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        1. Danielle, one day down, that is huge. I remember how hard those first days were. You can do this!! like any addiction it does get easier and once you have done it for awhile you don’t want to break no contact because you’ve come so far and you know to contact them will onlly set you back.
          Congratulations for day 1
          Hugs
          Carrie

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          1. Thanks so much carrie. Its strange you saying like an addiction because thats how i have been describing him to myself these past few days. I quit smoking nearly ten weeks ago. So this is my next bad habit to quit. One day at a time. 🙂

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  2. Carrie and ALL…. SO VERY VERY VERY TRUE…. I know in my heart if I don’t play myself right with my XN…. I’m not a paranoid person nor a scared or quiet unknown person… But I know if I did the wrong thing at the wrong time he would kill….. I haven’t seen my XN for months now…. But until I’m 100% free of him, I will always believe he could AND WOULD….

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  3. I watched that show last nite, and thought of all of us. It is indeed about N’s and P’s, and is terrifying. Watch it please! But for the grace of God, there goes any one of us….
    Blessings! 🙂

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  4. Yes Carrie,I agree with you,anything is possible with them,although my ex never hit me.
    The destruction they cause is unbelievable!I was on my way back home yesterday from the airport,
    decided to go and see a good friend whom I had not seen for a long time,she and her present husband have been through the same we all went through!
    Their stories were heart-breaking,and it still has effect on their lives,they didn’t know untill a few years ago it was all about narcissism,it happened to both of them.

    Three of her children have no longer contact with her,they believe their dad instead,he is such an evil person(he’s a cop,knowing the law so well,and gets away with everything).
    He once hit her so hard,she is still suffering from back problems.Nevertheless,it was so good to see them,we talked for hours,its so good to talk to others who know what we have been through,and are still going through,our healing process.
    To be honest,i agree with miss nadine louise,I too will always believe my ex could and would do something to harm me,I ‘m still ignoring him,I know he hates that,so he’s playing every trick he
    can,and makes sure I will know,one way or another of what he’s up to.(using both my kids as the
    messengers)So evil!!

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    1. lewisham, thanks for commenting. It is amazing really how many people have had to deal with them soul vampires but no one ever says anything for fear of sounding crazy. if you open up they feel safe to tell their story and it is a real bonding experience. i have had it happen with total strangers and it is quite amazing and you come away feeling cleansed almost.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  5. Carrie, I was just thinking about these shows, for myself, I try to not watch too much. I used to watch Discovery Investigation channel non-stop, my son used to get on me, saying ‘Mom, why are you watching this type of stuff all the time, it’s creepy.’ So, I stopped for now. I wanted to say something to you, and am just a bit afraid you will take it wrong, or become offended, and that is not how it is meant. I’m not a mean-spirited person, and like yourself, care about others. Anyway, this blog is a very good place for those struggling to free themselves from these abusive, dysfunctional relationships. My concern is more for you. Now, I could be way off base, I know you won’t hesitate to tell me if I am, so…do you think that possibly it is keeping you from moving forward? I mean, you are a decent woman, with plenty of life left to live. I highly doubt that JC will be your last relationship, I just wonder if maybe your focus is getting stuck on JC. I do know I am grateful to have this blog, I need the support, to not allow myself to get sucked back in to his manipulation, but I just hope that after awhile I will find a healthy relationship. I don’t want to focus on this wacko for years. Im not there yet, by any means, but that time does come, does it not? I hope I didn’t offend you in any way, that was not my intention. And, as I said before, Im grateful this blog exists.

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  6. I am just going to comment everyone at once if that is ok because I’d just be repeating myself to answer individually. Danielle, I have never shared children with a narcissist but my view on it is that your baby is not going to know or remember if he is there or not. The 1st birthday is more for the adults. I don’t think under the circumstances it is necessary for him to be there. It is a very emotional time of year and it would be very easy to get caught up in the emotions of the season and end up doing something you later regret.
    Yes it will be your baby’s first xmas etc but like I said your baby won’t know. It is actually the best time to split because at 2 or 3 they are much more aware.
    You know that he will do something to ruin your holiday season so I would remain no contact through the whole time. He won’t be able to win you back by manipulating your emotions and he can’t ruin it.
    You still have 3 1/2 months to get used to being alone and if you remain no contact you will be much stronger.
    I would make plans far in advance so you know what you will be doing. Plan to go to family or close.friends for all the celebrations so you are not alone. If he insists on seeing your baby make sure it is when you have your friends and support system around you.
    You don’t have to worry about xmas gifts etc for the baby because she won’t know.
    When I was a single mom, my son’s bday is Dec 20th, my brother used to come home with me xmas eve and help me do the Santa Claus thing and bring there in the morning for gifts etc. It was nice, I have some great memories of those times, perhaps you can come up with some traditions of your own.
    I think when the time is right you will love again but I think we all have to give ourselves plenty of time to heal first.

    To everyone else, yes, I do believe with some N’s you are never totally “safe”. If they feel you are responsible for anything that hurt them, real r imagined they are terribly vindictive.
    As we can see from JC’s recent attempts at ruining my life even though we have been apart for 3 years and he is supposedly with the love of his life and so happy.
    Truth is he can not stand that I have any success or happiness. I can see why he would be upset by reading my blog but then don’t read it, forget about me; I don’t contact him in any way or try to destroy him. I don’t contact his employers telling lies, it kinda makes you wonder what else he is capable of, he has hacked my phone, put tracking devices on my vehicles, forged my signature, falsified court documents (years ago). I think one of the things that ensures he won’t kill me is this blog because he would be the first suspect.
    But with many women, would anyone be suspicious if their brakes failed one day, or there was a home invasion or she just disappeared?
    I often wonder how many women die at the hands of these aholes and no one even suspects anything or can’t prove it.
    Cheryl, As for me getting stuck and not healing because of this blog. I must admit I get tired of rehashing the relationship some times and have recently been reposting old posts because I have said it all before.
    I wanted to show a person can survive and be happy after leaving an N and to support women and men going through the same things I did. I don’t want to stop because I feel there is a need. I have been approached about writing a book; I will believe it when I see it but it is an exciting idea.
    I believe life has a way of unfolding as it should as long as we are open to it and take opportunities when they present themselves. So far things have fallen into place as they should so why fix something that is working? I don’t care about meeting another man and falling in love. Yes, I get a little lonely some times but it passes and right now I don’t feel like sharing my life with any one. When the time is right, it will happen.
    I am not afraid of having a relationship, I trust my ability to recognize a N, and I am confident that I could keep a man and I am attractive etc. I am feeling very whole and myself but I am facing some major changes due to my heart attacks.
    I understand your concern about me getting “stuck” but I really feel I am moving ahead, but I am not rushing it because I want to make sure I AM totally healed before I even think about another relationship.
    I truly enjoy my life right now and I trust when the time comes that I AM not truly enjoying my life I will change it. It is very important to me that I stay committed to my goal of raising awareness of domestic violence.
    Hugs all
    Carrie

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  7. Oh my gosh Carrie,
    When I read the “I love you today” quote I almost couldn’t believe it.
    My N. would say in response to my I love you’s, “I will always like you, but I love you right now”
    or “I’m with you, so I guess I must love you” or when I told him that he never loved me when he was dumping me and he said “That’s not fair”…he called me a week later to tell me I must have been right, that he had moved on so fast it surprised even him, “So I guess you were right, I guess I never did love you.”
    Was that supposed to make me feel better?
    They can’t love. They don’t even know what it is. The “I love you right now’s”, or “todays” or the “I think I love you’s” are all about keeping you off balance, and them in control. They are letting you know that their love is just out of reach, or that it could be taken away at any time…and keeps you trying harder and harder and harder.

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  8. ***She was planning to leave her husband.***

    I wish wish wish we would have known this was the RED ZONE, the most dangerous time, & the most murderous time for a woman.

    OOooo, I hope other women know this, Carrie. Xxxx

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    1. Kim,.I try to get that message out every chance I get. I often send people over to your blog about Kay if they don’t seem to be taking me seriously. If women don’t take it seriously after reading your blog I don’t know what would get through to them.
      It should be taught in school just like we teach our kids to not talk to strangers. As touch know the only way end domestic violence is to raise awareness.
      I thought of you and Kay while I was watching the show and how hard it was for Kay, how lucky I was, and the pain you and your family go through every day.
      You are amazing
      Hugs
      Carriexxxxxx

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