Playing Russian Roulette With The Devil

russian roulette woman
Lately it seems every time I turn the TV on there is another true murder mystery where the woman was murdered by her significant other. The last two were on 48 Hours a couple of days ago.

One of the cases took 18 years to solve and they still don’t have a body and in another case they had the legs of one victims and just a skull of another.

The circumstances were different in all the cases, one was the wife of a doctor, another was a hooker and the daughter of the woman, the ages varied but there were two glaring similarities in all every single case.

1. In every single case the woman was swept off her feet by the guy and felt she had met her “soul mate”, he was; too good to be true, treated her like a queen and pressured her to commit and move in together or get married quickly. No matter who voiced concerns about it being too soon the woman was convinced she had met the love of her life.

2. They were murdered just before or after maintaining contact with him after leaving the relationship.

Between meeting and separating the scenario is very much like what we have all experienced. Once the man has the woman “hooked” the mask starts to slip. She finds out that he embellished his past, over stated his income, and he doesn’t have the job or the possessions he professed to have. He borrows a bit of money and pays it back but inevitably he borrows a larger sum and never pays her back, she ends up investing more money into the relationship, he feels entitled. They start to fight about money.

The fights escalate, at first it’s subtle put downs, and then the jealousy starts, she becomes more and more isolated, loses more money, and more and more it becomes clear he is not the man she thought he was when she met him and he has lied about almost everything.

In most of the cases the verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse, which also escalated, In only one case did the abuser leave any evidence of abuse such as bruises.

The only way they were able to solve one case was because the woman had started to dig into her husband’s past and was keeping photo’s of her bruises and evidence of his lies. She had all the evidence she had collected hidden in her closet and the police found it.

I don’t want to be melodramatic, I don’t want to make everyone paranoid and fearful but there is a real disconnect happening with the victims of abuse. Victims become desensitized to the abuse, although they know in their heart that being hit, infidelity, jealous rages, porn addiction,  and the head games narcissists play are wrong; they let it continue. I can only think of one reason this happens; denial.

The victims are hooked on the romance and excitement of the fight and then the reconciliation. I remember how it was, we would fight,(it wouldn’t even be something serious enough to fight about but the simplest of discussions could turn ugly before you know what’s happening) he would storm out with his last words ringing in my ears, “That’s it!! I’m done!!”

I would be angry at first (how did a simple disagreement turn into us breaking up?) but as soon as those words came out of his mouth the panic would set in. I would pace, unable to work or think clearly, food would get stuck in my throat, I would cry uncontrollably, then I couldn’t handle it anymore and I would call him, usually he wouldn’t answer or maybe he would call me and I wouldn’t answer but by the end of the day we would make contact of some sort. Aside from when he was in Africa we talked everyday
Whenever we did talk he would use his “soft” voice and ask how I was. I would say not very good and he would ask if I’d eaten. I would so no and he would tell me to meet him or he would pick me up. If I said I wasn’t hungry he would say, “You have to eat”.
When we saw each other he would be loving, call me “Babe”, pull me close, kiss me and say I love you. We wouldn’t talk about the fight I would just be so happy we weren’t fighting.

It was addicting, romantic, when he looked into my eyes and whispered he loved me and pulled me close it was the best feeling in the world. I remember thinking, “As long as I am in his arms, as long as we have “this” we will be ok, I will be ok”.

I knew it was unhealthy, the fights were crazy, nothing was ever resolved, he was doing things I knew no other woman would tolerate and if I had a friend in a relationship like that I would have told her she was crazy (in fact I had on several occasions, my g/f’s boy friends always hated me because I was no-nonsense. They would stand their ground and the guy would say, “You’ve talked to Carrie again haven’t you?”).

He set things up so he could “rescue” me. I got used to ignoring my gut instincts and making excuses for his behavior. The fact that he disabled my vehicles or that I could predict when he would “injure” himself should have had me running for the hills but I started viewing these things as signs that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me; scary thought processes. I also got hooked on solving the mystery, figuring out what he was up to now; it was like living in a game of Clue only he was the only one committing the crime I just had to figure out what exactly he was doing and with who.

Denial was easy really because if I told anyone what I suspected they thought I was crazy, police didn’t believe me, my best girl friend at the time didn’t believe me; she said that any time she heard him talking about me all he did was brag about my cooking and say how much he loved me. She had seen him bringing me home flowers at least once a week

One of the many times we were split and we’d had a huge fight the night before. I went out to go to work in the morning and he is under my truck doing something. I immediately got that feeling in my stomach and asked him what he was doing under there. He climbed out and said something about he thought he saw something hanging down and then he said, “Get in and pop the hood would ya?” I did, and the time I am thinking, “What is he doing, why did I pop the hood.” he fiddled around under the hood for a while and then closed it. I asked what he was doing and I don’t remember what he said now, I knew nothing about mechanical things back then. I have gotten smarter out of necessity.

I pushed the feeling of doom down and we talked, like nothing had ever happened and he said he would call me later. I went to my first job, kinda surprised that my truck didn’t break down. I went to leave my first job and I had no power steering or brakes. It was nothing short of a miracle that it didn’t happen when I was driving because I probably would have had an accident. If it would have let go on a hilly curvy road I could have died. I had a guy check it out for me and he said the brake line had worn through, when I asked him if someone could have done it on purpose he gave me a strange look and I thought, “yeah , I am just being paranoid.”

There was the time we had another huge fight and were still fighting in the morning. He called later that day and asked if I needed anything from the grocery store, I gave him a short list of things we needed. I got home and there was a very sweet loving letter on the table from him saying he wanted Kris and I to go with him to pick up cars and he would buy us supper. It struck me very strange because he had said nothing to me about it on the phone, he hated Kris and Kris hated him and why hadn’t he just called me and asked me to go with him; why would he go back home and leave the letter where he knew I wouldn’t see it until it was too late? A bit later he called and said he didn’t want to come into the park and could I meet him at the gate and pick up the groceries. I thought he meant the gate to the resort so I walked up, he called me pissed off because I was taking so long, I told him I was at the gate and where was he. He was really pissed off and yelled that he hadn’t meant the gate to the resort, he had meant the gate to where he was doing some side work. It was on the other side of the railway tracks and the only thing on the other side was a lumber mill and the river. When I was almost there the train went flying by and I got immediately sick to my stomach. As the train passed I looked across the tracks and saw the bags of groceries by the tracks and him outside his vehicle by the gate which was quite a distance from the tracks. I started putting the groceries into the trunk of the car and he never came to help me, he just stood there watching me with a look that totally nullified the loving nature of the letter he left on the table. When I got home and started putting the groceries away there was absolutely none of the things I had asked for in the bags.

A couple of days later I came home early and could hear him rummaging through the cupboards and throwing things around.

I don’t want to get side tracked and have written about this before, so I’ve put the links to what happened next below if you are interested.

http://wp.me/s1wKh3-ambushed
http://wp.me/p1wKh3-sI
 
http://wp.me/p1wKh3-t1

The point I am trying to make is this;
We get so desensitized to danger and so used to the erratic behavior and mood swings we don’t listen to our nature instincts that are screaming danger!!

Like I have said many times, I am no better than anyone here, in fact probably a lot worse than many people who come here; for being weak and accepting behavior I should have walked away from years before. But I have to point out the dangerous game women play when they keep going back to the narcissist/psychopath. It is like playing russian roulette; how many times can you go back before he cracks. I started praying he would kill me just to stop the madness.

Narcissists are vindictive, they do not own a conscience, and they hate rejection; the perfect traits for a murderer but what do we do? We taunt him, we break up with him, go no contact and he calls and text messages for weeks and either he gives up or we give in. He tells us he loves us, lavishes attention on us and we know in our gut it is wrong but we go back and the abuse starts again and we do the same dance over and over and over with no thought about when he might reach his breaking point.

I am sure these women who were killed by their soon to be ex or ex N didn’t think the meeting was going to end in their murder. In one instance it was their anniversary, they exchanged cards, he spent the night and the next morning stabbed her 37 times.

I watched Sam Vaknin’s video about giving the Narcissist a second chance and he said what I have said all along. They come back to see if they can. If you take them back they won and the mask falls almost immediately and the abuse worse because he knows he has the victim. He has no respect for her whatsoever and views her as weak and he does not respect weakness in the least. He abhors weakness.

If he has to work at winning the victim back, if she has moved on and is doing well without him he takes it as a personal insult; how dare she succeed without him. Then he wins her over to make her pay for insulting him; he sets out to destroy her.

Either way he loathes you and wants to make you pay.

rhaisson pull trigger

Don’t taunt the devil!! Make your break and stay away, go no contact and stay no contact. I consider myself very lucky to have survived all the times I taunted the devil.

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20 Replies to “Playing Russian Roulette With The Devil”

  1. Wow! I agree have to much to say to comment here, I m still healing and met a girl who is an author who was trying to help me with a few books I’m getting ready to publish, I pushed a bit because I’m cautious now and was only on pm Facebook, as she lives in tn. So it went from me comming to visit or visversa, then me mentioning that I was an expert on narrsasisst? I was dropped, dumped and deleted faster than I could blink? So my first thought was she must be an N. Then I thought maybe she knows how much damage they can due and figured I must be a mess with a lot of luggage? Then I blame myself y? No one else to blame? So I’m really not sure what happened but in the hours texting, Facebooking for a week and 5 hours last night to 30 seconds I’m done, dead, non existent? Any comments are welcome with jubilant enthousium! Smg

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    1. Shawn,
      your guess is as good as mine on this one. Either she had a horrific experience with a narcissist and is afraid you are one, or she knows about them and is afraid you are screwed up from it, or she is a narcissist and afraid you would pick up on it. But the last one is doubtful, she would be more likely to be attracted to you if you say you know a lot about N’s because it would be a challenge to her to be able to suck you in. To say you are an expert on narcissist’s would be like you challenging her, she couldn’t resist.
      I say no great loss, and not worry about it. you didn’t have a lot invested and it might have nothing to do with narcissism at all, maybe she just got busy with some guy she likes better or something.

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  2. It’s such a sad situation Carrie, for all who have been involved with a Narcissist. Really scary as well, and not paranoid either to consider that they may try to kill you because I have seen on tv, and first hand- that they will.

    It’s easy to want to be in denial, because it’s so much easier to tell yourself that it’s only something that happens on tv. God forbid it happen to you in real life or to someone you know. A female N, I grew up with, a mother of a friend attempted to kill a family member for insurance money. It happens all the time. So we aren’t paranoid to be careful. I think I’d rather feel a little silly and paranoid, then end up dead or in the hospital for being too trusting.

    Please stay away from your N. it may take awhile for us to have them safely drift out of our lives, but we’ve got to do whatever we have to, to stay safe. Right now, I’m going gray rock. It’s something I picked up online. If you search ‘Gray Rock method of dealing with a psychopath’ it should come up.

    Best, 🙂
    Hugs,
    Hang in there,
    AnnStacy

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    1. Annstacy, thank you for your comments, yes we have to stay strong, it is the only way to end domestic violence and deaths. Education, breaking the silence and staying strong for ourselves and every woman before and after us.
      I have heard of grey rock but not sure what it is I will check it out.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  3. I too, have moved on. I have a close female friend, and a few others that are friends but not too close; you know, for a woman’s point of view. I’m debt free except for the “new” 2010 F150 I just purchased…personally, my first newer vehicle purchase since 1994. She always got the new vehicles and I got the used; not gently used, but handily abused. I’ve maintained no contact and its going on a year since I left her. I’ve heard through the grapevine that she and her new victim have lost their home (not surprised as she still won’t work) and have moved elsewhere with their 5 stray dogs and the feces that litters their abode.
    I hope she doesn’t think that I’ll take her back. The FOG has lifted and I see very clearly now. Thank you Carrie for being the voice in the wilderness, and sharing your often painful past with us and re-posting others tales of victimization.

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    1. oh, there are also allegations of her being arrested for domestic abuse and possession of marijuana…imagine that!! LOL! Yet another befitting description of the leopard whose spots will never change.

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    2. TripX you are welcome, it makes it all a little easier to take if I can have something positive come out of it by way of helping others.
      You sound like you are really getting your life back on track, good for you!! debt free and a new truck; awesome!
      I am glad the fog has lifted for you, I know myself I am actually afraid to ever talk to him again just the thought of him makes me stomach twist in knots. It is like just being in the same vicinity as them casts a cloud of evil over everything and once you see the sunshine again you realize how truly evil they are.
      Thank you for your kind words and ^5 for getting to the other side. The view is great isn’t it?
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  4. I don’t know if this is the correct place to post this, but I just feel like I need some help. Im feeling like Im second-guessing myself, feeling guilty over things that Im not sure I should be. Ive been involved with him for just over 6 years. He has helped me through some very difficult times, but has also made it a point to ‘push me over the ledge’ when Ive been dealing with difficult things. I mean, year before last I was dealing with having no where to live with my then 10 year old son, he blamed me for everything, I was to pick up copies of paperwork to try and secure a place, the people gave me copies of totally wrong documents. He went on and on asking me how could I let them do that? I had a full blown melt down, that I know my son will never forget. He said foam was coming from my mouth. I just couldn’t take it, I was terrified of literally having no where for my son to lay his head down and he started in on me, I couldn’t take it, I blew. At the same time he provided the finances for the first couple of weeks for a temporary place for us. We are now, Thank God, in a home. Which he did help me secure and get first months rent. But while he did that him and I had a huge battle because he then thought he was entitled to keys and actually stole the keys off my mothers key ring from the kitchen counter. I quickly changed the locks, but the next day he tries to enter using the keys, while Im in the shower, keys not working, so he practically beats the door down, He runs in the apt., steals my cell phone and rolls out in his car. I caught him at the store and talked with him and finally retrieved my phone. This is just a small glimpse of the craziness that goes on. He is in a very strange situation at his home. He lives with an older woman, been together about 30 years, she is not in good health, is from another country and has no family here or anywhere Im aware of. Her mental health is deteriating as well. She calls herself his wife, but she is 16 years his senior and he is 53. The thing is Im very confused, Ive been lied to, cheated on, abused. He does, at times, buy me things, but takes them back if we fight. Its like I know if he does something nice, I will have h3ll to pay for it later. Im dealing right now with guilt, Im desperately trying to find a job, I have an 11 year old son and my mother is too dependant on me as well. He is very demanding of my time. It starts the minute he wakes up, he starts with wanting to come over, him coming over is an all day thing, literally, 12, 14, 16 hours a day. Pretty much every day except when he has something to do, then its like I don’t exist, he just completely disappears. I feel so confused, guilty, scared and very much wanting to get back to my job field so that I will not be available during the day so I can stop feeling like a hunted animal every day of my life. He has cheated on me many times, propositioned women I know. I had one girl call and tell me she was pregnant by him. Honestly, at the times he went out I felt like Please GO!! He is such a hand full. Im sitting here feeling so guilty because I saw him Sunday, and Monday and today he is pressuring me to come over all day. Ive been job hunting, getting medical things done for my family and myself. Im sitting here wondering if Im crazy, should I feel bad? Or I don’t even know. Thanks for letting me vent all of this I really need some rational, reasonable advice.

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    1. Cheryl,
      I have been in your position, being “helped” by someone who has strings attached to the help; that is so hard to deal with when you are already stressed to the max.
      This guy is way off base to steal your keys etc and sound scary to me and like he expects you to be sitting waiting for him and at his peck and call 24/7. Who cares what the relationship is with the woman he lives with? and the other women calling you is not your concern. The man obviously is a loser and controlling. You do not owe him a relationship for accepting his help.

      Set very clear boundaries and don’t back down. He does not have the right to come and go as he pleases, in fact I would not be having sex with him or “dating” him in any way, polite conversation at best.

      It is your priority to get a job and care for your son and that should be the only thing consuming your time. Once you have a job then you will not be reliant on him and can either move or at the very least feel independent and strong enough to not take his shit. He is trying to take advantage of a vulnerable woman and that is the scummiest thing a man can do. Been there and it makes me sick that men would do that, but a N has no pride.

      You need to nip this in the bud and not allow him and leeway at all, give him an inch he will take a mile. BUT that means you can’t go running to him if you feel lonely, you can’t pull him close and push him away either, you have to treat him with respect. If you do want to continue seeing him the writing is on the wall, he is controlling and a loser so be prepared and go in with your eyes wide open. You won’t be able to say you didn’t know he was an N, the red flags are waving right in front of your face.
      Good luck
      Hugsxxxxxx
      Carrie

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  5. 2. They were murdered just before or after maintaining contact with him after leaving the relationship.

    THIS IS HUGE. Somebody asked me recently what one thing I’d want women to know…This was it)))))))

    You see, we didn’t know this was the most dangerous time.

    xxxx LOVE.

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  6. This post is what I would call a snap-out-of-it article…for anyone who gets into that reminiscent state of mind every now and then. I still get sad. But I have reached a point that I know now that I would never take him back. No mater what.

    I think we continue to stay because we can’t possibly wrap our heads around someone doing such a thing. And that’s because we never would or could. So when it even just crosses our mind that they might be doing things to deliberately hurt us, we almost immediately wave it away.

    The brake incident really got me. I actually gasped out loud as I was reading. That’s a perfect example of how we wave it away. “Naw,” We think, “he would never do that to me.”

    Think again. That is so creepy that he may have cut your brakes while you were sitting right there in the car and then he acted like all was fine. Gives me creepy shivers.

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    1. Safirefalcon, I heard somewhere, maybe even from him at some time that the best way to get away with a crime is to get the person to help you. And what an ego boost; to know you are getting the person to help you. He could switch gears so easily,

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  7. Safirefalcon, doing this on my phone and screwed up. It took me years to catch on, or admit it. One time came to mind. In doing a clean up job I got boxes of brand new brass fittings of various sizes. They were worth hundreds of $ maybe even over $1000 for all of them and scrap value would have been several hundred. I told him to take a bunch of them because he could use them in his job and he said he could probably sell them. When i want out later he had taken all of them. I had people who wanted to buy some but he had them all at work. I kept asking him to bring them back, he hadn’t brought home any money from selling them (he probably had sold some and kept the money) he kept forgetting. Finally after a month or more his sister and I went down to his shop where he worked to get them. He wasn’t there at the time and I found what was left of them and some other things he had stolen off my truck. He got back and saw I had all the stuff piled up on the counter. He said,”Go get your truck and bring it up to the door. I’ll pack this stuff out for you.”
    He put the boxes on my truck and gave me a kiss goodbye. I was shocked he hadn’t been angry and didn’t say anything. As we pulled away his sister said,”He took the fittings out”. I stopped and looked and sure enough there were no fittings in the boxes.
    He was such an asshole.

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  8. this blog has totally spoken to me.. you are an inspiration and the boldness behind you’re voice and you’re strength is so encouraging and powerful, i just hope you get through this. you are not alone in any of this. i have been there before and it sucks, thats all i can say. that fear that you can never get out despite the want and need to, its so overwhelming, and im glad that there are people like you all to remind me that there is hope. thank you ❤

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    1. Corelia, thank you so much for your kind words, Welcome to my site. If you need support or a safe place to rant or cry drop by the support forum, there is a great group of supportive understanding people who congregate there.
      there is life after the Narcissist/psychopath.. I am 3 years out and the happiest I have been in over 10 years. there is a rainbow at the end of the road to recovery.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  9. I have a question. You mentioned in your blog that you are tough with girlfriends about a “take no shit” stance with men. I am like that too. I noticed however, that when I was in my relationship with the N that if people were like that with me, I would simply stop telling them what was going on. Do you have suggestions on how to be supportive to women going through this without them getting defensive?

    It took me 5 months to snap out of it, and it happened little by little. I remember one friend in particular who rarely passed judgement, but would listen and was a like rock for me. When I finally got out, she was the first one to pick me up. She still to this day has never said I told you so.

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    1. Tulips, you had a good friend and she did exactly what a good friend should do with the victim of a narcissist. I look back now and I was not a good friend to the one girlfriend I had that was in an abusive relationship, I could not understand why she kept going back and I got sick of it.
      JC’s sister was my rock when I was going through it, she would affirm I was not crazy, she would tell me she was afraid he was going to kill me, she was the one that caught him switching the batteries in my truck, found the speaker wire running under the house, and just generally kept reaffirming I was not crazy and he was the crazy one. When I finally did leave she came and stayed with me the first couple of nights because I was so upset, she kept reminding me of all the horrible things he did to me and reminding me of all the lies he told etc so I could sleep. As long as she was talking I could sleep. Poor thing. lol
      She came and stayed with me when I found out he had gotten engaged. She was my rock, I had no one else but her, I don’t know what I would have done without her.
      As with you if someone told me what to do or questioned me going back I just stopped telling them anything. I try to not do that with people now. I said that I “used” to be “take no shit” with my friends, I am not that way now! Now I know better.

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