When God Lets You Down

I’ve been talking about answered prayers lately and tiny miracles that happen every day and some bigger miracles I have witnessed, but what about when God doesn’t answer your prayers or not the way you wanted him to answer?

Getting baptized in English Bay Vancouver BC with my son by my side
Getting baptized in English Bay Vancouver BC with my son by my side

My faith continued to grow stronger, JC went through phases, he would be one way with one person and a totally different person with someone else. Throughout the 10 years JC and I were together it seemed God would put special people into our lives, we had miracles happening all around us and his adoptive mother always said God had a special plan for JC. After we moved to Mission and  JC started driving gravel truck he came home late one night all excited about meeting a pastor from close to where he had grown up. He was going on and on about how we would join the church, some thing he had promised many times. I started attending the church, I coaxed JC into going once and the pastor had cried to see JC walk in with me. Mind you he had cried any time he saw me walk through the door without JC. He told me that he knew he was sent to Mission to save JC and he felt he had failed. The pastor, Pastor Jim, had a race car that he raced at the Mission Raceway Park where JC was the burn out box director, the church had a band and needed guitar players and JC played the guitar. If there was ever a pastor who could get through to JC it would have been Pastor Jim. He did talk JC into going to couples group counseling that he and his wife were teaching and we went one time and JC refused to go again even though we had a really good time.

Pastor Jim told me one day that he had gotten the assignment to start a new church in Mission, a “new age” type church and they had moved to Mission the same month we did. When he hit town he looked for an office and found one on James Street. He said he knew that starting a church was not the full assignment and he was being sent to save one person, he just didn’t know who. But as soon as he met JC he knew. His wife Janet told me that every Sunday Pastor Jim would stare at the door hoping for JC to walk in and if he saw me his hopes would be lifted and if JC didn’t walk in he would cry. JC spent a lot of time with Pastor Jim because they had the common interest in cars and he would sell Pastor Jim parts etc and they would talk about God and JC would promise to go to church and then not show. I never talked to anyone about the abuse with JC, not my friends or family, Pastor Jim and his wife Janet were the only ones I told, after I had left JC because I wanted them to know and maybe help him. (yes that is not a typo, I was worried about JC and that he might kill another woman some day and yes I did go back to him after that)

I used to pray all the time for a sign from God as to whether I should stay or leave, JC would act like I was a one-night-stand that didn’t know when to leave and I felt so unwelcome. Just when I had enough and was ready to walk out the door something would happen and I would stay. JC would have a weak moment and cry and say how much he loved me, or he would injure himself and I would care for him, or some times he would be in trouble and I would bail him out or stick by him and he would be so grateful and he always promised he was going to turn over a new leaf and things would be different, but they never were.

There was one consistency throughout the 10 years, God always came through for me, my faith grew stronger, I grew stronger. I had my truck and was doing scrap metal, had my own place to live and my life was moving forward. I felt JC was holding me back and that I would never find happiness with him because every time I was with him there was so much drama and trauma. I was sick of JC’s antics, sick of him pissing people off, sick of having to move because of him, sick of him showing up at my door and crashing on my couch, sick of his personal ads, I had had enough.

That is when he decided he was going to volunteer to go to Africa, I wasn’t sure why he was doing it and kinda half expected he would never really go. I thought he was doing it because he knew I truly had had enough and he had to do something drastic to prove he was a changed man. Of course his adoptive mother was thrilled because she was always disappointed he didn’t live a more Christian life.

As the time for him to leave for Africa drew closer I softened, between talking to his mother who was so thrilled about what he was doing and it really appeared he was leaving because he sent his tools etc ahead; I thought I would see how things went in Africa and if he followed through it would be the most unselfish thing he had ever done and I would support him until it all played out.

While he was in Africa no contact was easy of course and it made being away from him so much easier, I thought of him but of course I didn’t know what he was doing while he was there. His mother would call and say she had heard from him and he told her to tell me he sent his love and missed me.

I wrote all about Africa and his return here http://wp.me/p1wKh3-rd

My mom and step dad called and said they would like to help me get a mobile home as part of my inheritance. I moved in July and wouldn’t let JC even stay the night, I knew my folks would flip if I did. In September he got a job in Red Deer and left, it was over between us.

It was 2008, scrap prices were the highest in history,  then the economy tanked in fall and prices dropped from $350 a ton to $80 a ton almost overnight. Every morning I prayed to make a certain amount of money and every day I got it. I would pray for a TV and I would either be given one or find one on the street somewhere. I started flirting back with a handsome young guy who had flirted with me for a couple of years and I had been committed to JC and not responded. I even went on a date.
I was making my payments to my folks and then in October my step-dad panicked and said we had to sell the trailer and he thought I should get a “real job”. Every morning I got a call for either my mom or my step dad badgering me to get a real job or go on welfare. It didn’t even make sense, I was able to make my payments hauling scrap; there was no way I could make my payments if I was on welfare and there was a 6 week waiting period for benefits and there were no jobs, unemployment was the highest it had been in decades. They suggested I get a job at the local gas station, like I could just go get a job when I wanted but I would have made minimum wage and could get laid off at the drop of a hat. I was going crazy!! so stressed I could not believe my parents were doing this. At least with scrap I could work 7 days a week and I was making my payments. They said that if they got a good price for it they would pay for my movers. Gee thanks, you can get them to move my stuff under the nearest overpass.

Dec 1 2008 I was featured on the cover of the financial section of The Province Newspaper for being a woman self-employed hauling scrap metal. The calls started coming in for work so fast there were days I did nothing but answer the phone.

JC started emailing me saying he was doing well, making good money etc and I didn’t respond to the first few and then on a particularly sad day I responded with a friendly reply. His next email was more loving.

I cooked Christmas dinner that year at my place and had my whole family and friends for dinner. While we were having dinner my mother mentions that her and my step dad are going on a cruise to Mexico for 8 weeks mid January. I said, “You are going to Mexico for 8 weeks? I didn’t know that” She looked rather sheepish, realizing what I must be thinking she said, “Well yes but it is a prior commitment.”

I didn’t say anything but I was thinking, “And what am I if not a prior commitment?”

I was heading out the door for work one morning and my land line was ringing; I decided not to take the call because I figured it was my mom or step-dad again and I just could not take it any more. But I heard the answering machine click on and I heard JC’s voice. I stopped dead in my tracks and then just before he hung up I ran and grabbed the phone.

We had a pleasant conversation and I told myself it meant nothing and went on with my day. I called him to ask him a question about scrap (just an excuse to talk to him again) we called back and forth for a couple of weeks, he got a transport truck and was getting back into trucking.  He had laid the groundwork and then came the call, he was crying, he had been given 6 months to live could he come out to BC and talk to me.

I have written about what happened next a few times so won’t now, you can read about it here http://wp.me/p1wKh3-rd

I of course was praying daily and God came through with a the job of a life time. While my folks were away I got a call from a man I had met through Pastor Jim, he had an excavating company and sold it; he needed all the scrap in his yard cleaned up in 4 days. It was so much I had to get other scrap haulers to come and get some of it, I made 2 trips a day for the 4 days and that month I made $7500. I was able to get caught up on all my bills, buy a new laptop and had the money in the bank for my payment to my folks when they got back from their trip. I thought for sure if they got back and I had managed to make my payments they wouldn’t make me sell. But my mom sent an email from the ship saying it was imperative I find a place to move before they got home.

I held off telling him about my folks selling my trailer because I didn’t want him to think I was needy but after two months of seeing each other and things going well I told him.

In the meantime I prayed for God to some how make it possible for me to buy a house. A small house and/or a fixer upper was fine. I prayed for a small yard big enough for a small flower garden, where I could have Kato. On water of some sort would be preferable and most importantly I said he would have to be really creative because I had no money and a lousy credit rating. I told JC about my prayer just in passing and let it go.

My folks sold the trailer at a $20,000 loss and I had two weeks to move. I had no idea where I was going to go. JC called from Alberta, he started the conversation with, “I don’t know why I am telling you this” and proceeded to tell me that he had been talking to a guy who had a house for sale in a place called Blaine Lake Saskatchewan and he only wanted $5000 for it and was willing to carry the mortgage for $200 a month. I immediately thought it was the answer to my prayers, I didn’t want to go to Sask but I hadn’t specified where I wanted the house to be and if God wanted me to go to Sask I would go to Sask. JC called to say he had been hired by a trucking company based in Sask and asked me to marry him.

I talked to my son about it and he said to go for it and I wasn’t even talking to my mom any more. My mom and step-dad were telling everyone that they were selling the trailer because I went back to JC, which was not the truth. The truth was that when they reneged on the trailer deal I thought, “all bets are off” and thought what the hell, I might as well give it a try and thought maybe it was God’s plan all along. Give JC and I time apart to figure out how much we really love and need each other. I put my faith in my parents and they bailed on me and left me worse off than I would have been if they hadn’t “helped” me, maybe it was all a sign JC and I were meant to be together.

I called the guy with the house and he seemed like a nice guy, he told me the place was completely furnished, had a fenced yard, and a small garden, it had been his mom’s house and she had died 6 years ago and the house had been empty ever since. He said he was sick of mowing the grass every week and decided to sell. I asked if he wanted me to send him some money and he said no just give him a call when I was heading out so he could go and air the place out before I got there. I told him I was giving away all my stuff except what I could fit on my truck. I talked to him about 5 days before I was heading out and everything was a go. He said to call when I was leaving, I could come by his house for supper and he would take me over to the house, as far as I knew I was driving by myself. I had told most of my customers I was leaving and to find someone else to haul their scrap but I had kept my biggest customers thinking I would come back every few weeks to haul their scrap because I made such good money it would be worth it and I didn’t want to let everything I had built up all at once,  Something (God) told me not to say anything yet.

I had worked every minute I could trying to make some money because I wouldn’t be working at first out there. Although JC had all these ideas of things I could do for work out there. JC had been short of money when he started trucking and I sent him money several times and he promised to pay me back when I got there,.

My truck broke down two days before I had to be out of the house and it was in the shop until moving day, and cost over $1000 to fix. I called the Realtor and told him there was nothing I could do about moving, I didn’t have enough money to get movers. JC called that day and I broke down, it was hot, I was exhausted, and he said, “don’t worry Babe, I’ll park the truck and hop on a plane and be there by tonight and I’ll help you move.” I couldn’t believe how sweet he was being, I was so relieved, he had never helped with a move I had always moved by myself even when we were together, but he took over and told me to rest he would load the truck.  I gave away all the furniture and only kept my keepsakes, clothes, Christmas decorations, a couple of lamps, my TV, radio, I gave away art work, patio furniture, entertainment unit, full dining suite, almost new couch and love seat, two fully furnished bedroom sets bistro table, so much stuff I just gave away.

He worked all night, and at 9:30 am the next day we were at the top of the road about to enter the freeway when he pulled the truck over and said, “You’d better call Rod.” I was planning on calling once we were on the road for a bit but I thought oh well I might as well call now.

I heard Ron say, “Hello.”

me- If Carrie, I’m called to say I am on my way.

Rod – Carrie………… I have good news and I have bad news.

me- what is it, what’s the good news?

Rod- I heard your truck was broken down and you don’t have to rush getting out here.

me- Well I got my truck fixed and that’s why I am calling, we are heading out now. What’s the bad news.

Rod- Well……………I guess I should have called you……………….

me- yes??

Rod- I went to the house to air it out and take some mementos out of there and a guy approached me and made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I sold the house. In my head I was screaming, “Oh my God what have a done???!!!!”

me- it would have been nice of you to call me before I gave away all my furniture.

I hung up and JC asked me what was wrong. I told him and he said, “Well you might as well take a couple of weeks and ride with me before you come back and figure out what you are going to do.”

I didn’t say it but I thought, “What do you mean a couple of weeks, you asked me to move to Sask and marry you, we’re in this together.”

I was numb, I could not believe it. I wasn’t sure but I swore I saw satisfaction on JC’s face and his whole attitude changed right before my eyes.

He asked if I was coming for a holiday for a couple of weeks and I responded – I guess so, I am homeless now.

We were down the road a few miles when he dug in his pocket and pulled out a slim gold band and tossed it in my direction saying, “I bought this a while back, you might as well have it now.”  The gold washed off in two days to reveal white plastic. When I told him he shrugged and said, “I guess I got sucked in again. I bought it when I was down south.”

Again I won’t bore you with the details

You can read excerpts from my journals here http://wp.me/p1wKh3-h5

After losing the house in Sask I lost my faith in God, how could he do that to me, I had been so sure it was the answer to my prayer. Now JC had me exactly where he wanted me, totally dependent without my family. So much happened that last two years we were together (I really have to write a book) but after I lost the house everything changed back to the way things had been before he went to Red Deer, in fact things were a lot worse and he kept saying, “You always did so well with out me”. After we split he would say that I always did well without him in my life any time I cried. I started to wonder if he was punishing me for being successful without him. I firmly believe that was the case now when I look back and now that I know all the lies he told through that time.

I went through hell after we split because he had made sure my truck wasn’t running, he had worked very hard to destroy my business and it almost destroyed me but somehow I managed to hang on and I am sure that pissed him off to no end. The whole first year and 1/2 was hell, I had no hope, I stopped praying, even if I did pray nothing happened but I think it was because I wasn’t believing when I prayed.

And THEN I called on the cabin at Hatzic; when I walked through the door of this cabin I let out a gasp; THIS was the house I prayed for!! and ever since I have been grateful, apologized to God for doubting him and life has unfolded in miraculous ways. Even finding money that I didn’t know I had from 1996 that made it possible to buy the cabin. The owners of the cabin happened to be the boss who fired JC from the resort and who had written ,me a lovely letter of reference when I moved away. Every step of the way was carefully orchestrated and fell into place; nothing short of a miracle.

I got the job at Ccon which enabled me to get into the cabin, JC called Ccon, lied and got me fired, but the time I worked there gave me enough hours to get disability when I had my 2nd heart attack. Then JC tried to get me kicked out of the park by placing phony complaints about me, twice he has tried to slander me through a blog he starts but every time he ends up closing the blog and there are no negative effects on me whatsoever.

Yes I always did better without JC in my life and even when he is trying to destroy me I do better without him, and I know why; because God intervenes on my behalf.

I know now that JC couldn’t handle it that I was successful without him and didn’t want him back so he lied about dying, he came back knowing my parents would disown me if I went back to him but he hadn’t counted on my parents handing me to him on a silver platter by making me sell the trailer. He must have gotten a real kick out of that. Then he orchestrated the house deal, I have no idea who I was talking to about the house, JC gave me the number to call, he must have been so proud of himself, he managed to strip me of everything in 6 months. There is no doubt in my mind that he came back to bleed me dry and then destroy me. How evil is that?? to waste 4 years of your life trying to destroy someone just because they had the nerve to be successful after you tossed them out.

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3 Replies to “When God Lets You Down”

  1. Carrie, this is heartbreaking to read, I’m so glad you freed yourself, with Gods help. But I don’t think it was JC (this is an ironic pseudonym, I’m guessing) that God was meant to save, I believe it was you so you can pass on your message of hope to others, which you do so beautifully in your blog. I think it’s more likely the priest was another empath, like us, who was drawn to a narcissist, as we were and he failed to change him, as we did. And that’s because narcissists are unteachable, certainly psychopaths or sociopaths don’t change their base beliefs or intentions. Sure some ‘look like’ they change but I think that’s because it suits their purpose at the time, as part of another manipulation. Like when they try to convince a parole board. And the reason fewer psychopaths go to prison once they’re in their forties and fifties, is, I believe, because it no longer suits them to be in prison, not that they’re better people. They just smooth off the edges to stay out of prison while they quietly destroy the lives of those around them, maybe they’ll accidentally leave a banana skin on the floor in the kitchen for their partner to slip on and injure themselves.. the bad intention is still there. When a psychopath/sociopath or narcissist has therapy they use the new information and jargon to become better narcissists…while appearing even more convincing to the uninformed. Hope you received the book (Toxic No More). Blessings, Amanda .

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    1. Amanda, I think you are right, I was praying for God to give me a sign of what I should do but when ever he did I interpreted it how I wanted it to be. When I got into my double wide that same Pastor and his wife were living in that same trailer park, she got cancer and I took them the occasional meal etc and I thought it was quite a coincidence they would be there, I hadn’t seen them in years! and then this cabin, JC and I moved into a house 5 houses down from me, I was so excited to be moving there, starting our new life together, full of hope and promise and when I left I swore I would never go back and now this is where my prayers were answered about wanting a little place to call home, that was on the water and using creative financing. I think JC saw my faith as a threat to him, he used it against me while we were in a relationship, by making my vehicle break down or injuring himself every time I was ready to leave; it seemed very suspicious but who would do things like that? so I believed it was God working to keep us together; so he promoted my faith, there is a story on here somewhere about the bible his father gave him and how he set me up to believe a miracle happened I will try to find it; it shows how evil he really is.
      When we split and I did well he knew it was God helping me, I had told him every time I prayed I got the exact amount. I thought we shared a common faith in God so I always shared anything special that happened to me. So he knew the only way he could destroy me was to destroy my faith so he set up the house deal, knowing it would devastate me. He thought if he took away my faith I would never recover and it almost worked. I was lost, I had no hope or faith, no peace, once my faith was restored the sun came out and hope was restored also and my life started to fall into place as it should.
      He uses religion to manipulate his mother, friends, whoever he can and if they aren’t religious then he isn’t either. He could talk scriptures for hours and then go to a buddy’s and buy a stolen car or steal from someone.
      Yes I did get the book and started reading it yesterday, it really hooked me right from the beginning and I didn’t even comment on here because I was reading so I will have to go back to it tonight. thank you so much for sending it.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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    2. Amanda I found the link to the post about the Bible. http://wp.me/p1wKh3-jJ
      feel so stupid now, but he had me so snowed.
      He really is messing with Karma big time, to lie about having 6 months to live, to lie about the Bible!!, to go to Sudan Africa as a Christian volunteer and steel from the charity and get a sudanese young girl pregnant. Lightning should strike him dead ten times over.
      When I found out about the young girl in Sudan I said to him “there is so much wrong with that I can’t even talk.”
      Who has unprotected sex with a woman in Africa?
      you are there working for a charity
      The people think you are a christian and you abused their trust
      she was a young girl and now she will be shunned by all her native people and no man will want her after she has been shamed by having sex with a white man
      You brought a 1/2 white child into one of the most impoverished and war torn countries in the world.
      you mislead her with promises of bringing her to Canada
      and last but not least you were in a committed relationship with me!! and didn’t tell me you had unprotected sex in Africa and came back and had sex with me.

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