Kelly’s Message Of Healing

I received this message today and want to share it with everyone. This is a message of hope for those of you still struggling with no contact and thinking you will never heal. I cried when I read it, happy tears.

Good Morning Ladies

It’s been awhile since I posted and I thought I would give an update. I keep this blog feeding to my e-mail as a reminder as to how far I have come and where I don’t want to ever be again. 

Carrie, Thank you for continuing this blog and providing a safe place for people find the understanding and support needed to being healing!

My N’ is effectively as much out of my life as one can be with three kids. The divorce paperwork was signed on 9/11 even though our hearing was on the 31 of July. I came out of the courtroom with a huge sense of relief.

The N’ maintained full physical custody of the kids, only two are under age now. Not what I necessarily wanted, but it saved from putting them the court system yet again. My kids know that I am there for them and just a phone call away and they aren’t little anymore 18, 15 and 12. The N’ is trying to play superdad and do everything I did for 16 years without his help and he’s stumbling pretty hard.
He, in typical N fashion, has played the mayrtar card of poor me I am single dad doing it all on my own the ex won’t help. Which I am okay with. I have learned that it’s okay to stand back and watch and wait to be asked for help. Yes, I know that he won’t ask for it because then he has to admit he isn’t as great as he thinks he is.

I do have to say that the day of court hearing for our divorce, he was almost an hour. He didn’t think he needed to be at the courthouse that he could just handle it all over the phone. Neither his lawyer or mine know where that idea of his ever came up at. It’s nice to know that after two years of battling uphill to settle what is fair the eyes of court that’s all over. At the end he was pretty much done running me through the wringer.

The thought process on this was that if he continued to press as hard as was about how awful of a person I am that it would bite him in the ass. I had three different counselor’s comeback showing that he was abusive in the marriage, that I did not have anger management problems and that he was alienating the kids from me. This last one is still a problem, but it’s a battle the kids are going to have to pick up and battle,  mainly because I no longer fit the N’s world so he can’t be bothered or doesn’t know how to encourage common curtiesy and respect to me as their mom.

I like knowing that I can freely move forward with my own life and even though I had already started that I can now continue with no restrictions.

My boyfriend and I still going strong and have wonderful communication. He is gentle with me when I come across the situations that make me want to draw back. He regonizes the causes and gives the moral and emotional support I need to know that I am not going to have the rug ripped out from under me. We enjoy the small moments in life and look at the future as an adventure to be had. 

Being N’ free is great and there are days I would love to thank him for the experience that he gave me. Without the nightmare that he gave me, I may not have learned to appreciate the little things in life. I wouldn’t fully appreciate that it’s okay to someone that you love them over and over again in ten minutes just because you can. Without his nightmare I wouldn’t have realized the amount of strength that I have in me. I go out and look for the positives in life. I have put my pieces back together and the picture is no long the same and it’s okay. Life is great!

Good Luck to all of you! Hang in there and be strong. Each step you take a way from your N’ will only help you realize your own strength. Keep in mind it is your strength that drew the N’ to you and it’s that same strength that will pull you through!

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

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13 Replies to “Kelly’s Message Of Healing”

  1. Sorry, I can’t agree with giving up your children. It makes me wonder who you really are. I’m not crying any tears for you; but, I sure am for your children
    No need for you to respond because I have no tolerance for someone who abandon’s children.

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    1. Abandons her children!!!

      Are you not reading right?! Her ex was granted full custody. Where the hell does it say she gave up on them.

      You don’t know her background or history regarding any of it so why feel the need to write a shitty opinion.

      What a small narrow minded person you are!

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    2. HI Morgan,

      I re read this post several times. I have mixed feelings about it. I too felt very sad re the N Dad getting custody. It happens alot with N’s. The children become “possessions” to be fought over, retained as trophies and spoiled to death at first. And N’s aren’t big at teaching their children to respect Mom, on the contrary, they teach the opposite. Usually Mom is at financial deficit in fighting these battles. What made me go hmmmm is the part about the children’s battle that they are going to have to fight. Why should the children , even be expected to fight any battles at all? Isn’t that what parents are for? And the emphasis on the boyfriend may not be the message we want to send to women trying to ;eave these soul suckers. Seems like it’s ok to lose custody but damn, I have a man by my side and life is good. I am not a man hater at all but I don’t know too many victims of N’s that we encourage to run into another mans arms to get through the process of healing. Just don;t think it is the message we want to send. It’s no wonder that there are posts lately about barely being out of the N’s arms and being on dating sites looking for another. I understand the not wanting to be alone, I really do, but I think we have a responsibility to ourselves to make it , some how, some way through the process before bringing another person in to rely on. I am not downing anyone everyone heals in their own way, however, romantic involvements while in the healing period are dangerous and keeps us from putting the emphasis on ourselves and our children. My opinion only.

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      1. Ellie, you are always a voice of reason in the blog and I appreciate your input but I think you have misjudged Kelly’s message. I don’t see that Kelly had any choice in the matter and I have advise many women that they have to back off and accept that the N has warped the children’s opinion of their mother and to be patient and eventually the children will see their father’s true colour and come to her. I was raised in a home where my dad did everything within his power to turn us lids against our mother and it worked for a period of time with most of us, especially my younger brother but with every single one of us kids it back fired on him when we got old enough to put two and two together.

        It is a mothers worst nightmare to lose her children and to have them believe lies about her and not be able to do anything about it. Kelly did what she could and then had to admit she could not win through the courts, but I believe she will win in the long run if she perseveres, lives her life honestly and continues to demand respect from her kids, loves them and is there for them but does not play the game with the N. As long as she was battling with the N the N was winning and it was keeping the kids in the middle of the battle. Now that there is no court proceedings going on the N should be happy and have no excuse to be an asshole but you can bet he won’t let it go and the kids are eventually going to realize that maybe it wasn’t mom causing the problems. Up until now he could blame it all on Kelly.

        Another thing is that these are not young children, these are teenagers who are capable of seeing the truth when they are staring right at it. She did not desert her babies, she did not desert her children at all; she did all she could, played the game with the N, suffered the degradation he inflicted on her (and the faulty legal system that revictimizes the victim so often in cases like these)

        As for the boyfriend. I certainly do not advocate getting reinvolved too soon after a relationship with an N, there is a huge danger of getting involved with another N because you are looking for a bandaid to mend your broken heart but I don’t know for sure how long Kelly was single either and we all heal at a different pace. I am happy she met a decent man that has been able to support her through such a horrific time with her ex and kids.

        I posted Kelly’s story because I thought it showed that it is possible to leave a narcissist, lose custody of your children and STILL find joy in the simple pleasures in life, it takes a very strong woman (whether she has a man or not) to deal with all that and still wake up and be thankful. I would not have posted the story had I thought she would get criticized for it because she certainly does not need us to past judgment on her.

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        1. I wasn’t passing judgement Carrie. As I said my opinion only. I was just stating that the way I read the post it appeared to me that a MAJOR part of the healing came from the new boyfriend, and where as that may have been wonderful and she was lucky it may have worked that way for her, it normally does NOT for most people. The message seems to be intertwined , to me only maybe, that the boyfriend was an intergal part of the healing process. We are all struggling here, some more than others, and to me that sends a message that since her recovery was so amazing that the “man” in the picture might have been the key element in the healing. Most of us can’t do it that way, sorry. BUT, those desperate for relief from the effects of the N they are recovering from MIGHT just think that is the way to go to stop the pain. And never deal with the real issues. I wasn’t passing judgement, I was commenting what I read what it was telling me. Perhaps I wouldn’t be here typing today had I not put my kids first and precluded another man in my life, I don’t know. But I do know that when i was going through my divorce had another man been involved the resulting “custody” order may have gone the same way. I was warned by my attorney to be very careful as to what i said did who I associated with. Perhaps I put too much emphasis on their welfare and too little on mine. It gives me me now something to think about, how it could have been different, I guess. Too late to do anything about it now……………………………..

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          1. Ellie, like I said I value your input and I apologize if I came down on you too harshly, when in fact it was Morgan’s comment that got me really riled up. Some times I have misinterpreted what someone has said and had to clarify as Kelly did.

            I try to remember that everyone here is sensitive and may be defensive or especially sensitive to certain triggers depending on their personal situation. But Morgan saying she didn’t even what to hear what Kelly had to say really urked me. That is not the atmosphere I want in here.

            I don’t know how many times I have heard a mother say she is fighting to keep her kids and the N is lying about her and in most cases the N wins even when the woman can afford a lawyer because the judges take the word of the calm cool collected N male because the woman is emotional, fearful confused and feeling helpless.

            Personally I think the worst thing a person can do is to date to soon after a relationship with an N and from what you just said it sounds as if you are angry

            “Perhaps I wouldn’t be here typing today had I not put my kids first and precluded another man in my life, I don’t know. But I do know that when i was going through my divorce had another man been involved the resulting “custody” order may have gone the same way. I was warned by my attorney to be very careful as to what i said did who I associated with. Perhaps I put too much emphasis on their welfare and too little on mine.”

            I don’t think Kelly needs me to defend her but for some reason I can’t just let this go. In my mind the above paragraph and especially the last line says to me that you blame Kelly for what the N did and that she didn’t put the welfare of her kids first and was more concerned with having fun or whatever and I feel that is unjust. I will have to go back and read Kelly’s post again but did she even mention when she met the man she is with? We all do the best we can with what we have. Kelly had stated that the N had been successful at turning the kids against her prior to her even leaving the relationship.

            I know when I was a kid I used to lay in bed at night listening to my dad threaten my mom that if she left he would turn us kids against her and she would never see us. She stayed and now doesn’t understand why I was involved with an N and didn’t leave. She also kicked me out of my home that her and her new husband held the mortgage on and I went back to the N because I felt deserted by my own family. I have forgiven her because I know she is doing the best she can do. She was raised by an extremely abusive man. The cycle continues whether we like it or not and sometimes our hands are tied to do anything about it. I feel Kelly did what she needed to do and now is a happy healthy mom with a good man who is helping her deal with the damage the N has done to her and her kids. More power to her.

            It isn’t the answer for everyone and anyone getting involved too soon is taking the chance of getting hooked up with another N but I do know of several women who have gotten involved with another man and it worked for them.

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    3. Morgan, I am shocked and disappointed in your response. One of the biggest principle of my blog that I try to stick to without exception is that no one is judged and that is the most judgemental and down right angry and offensive comment I have ever seen on my blog. My deepest apologies to Kelly for your insensitivity, had I known posting her story was going to illicit this kind of attack I never would have posted it, she certainly doesn’t need this kind of judgement from someone who doesn’t even know her and from your comment has no interest in even finding out about the battles she has fought. I think the fact that she has gone through all of that, a mother’s night mare and can still say she is capable of love, laughter and thankfulness just shows how strong she is and gives other women hope that no matter what hell the N puts you through you can survive and have a life worth living.
      I am just curious, what do you suggest she should have done to keep her kids? He had a lawyer she could not afford one, as WE ALL KNOW, the courts are often not sympathetic to the victims of a N because they are not educated on how the N lies etc. Kelly followed all the requirements of the courts and still lost sole custody of her kids, how heart breaking!!! and THEN to have someone, who says they are the victim of narcissistic abuse judge her, WOW!! THAT is the most hurtful of all, I am angry for her but she very calmly explained her situation to you instead of blasting you which is something i am struggling with.
      You owe her an apology in my estimation. I was tempted to erase your comment but I think the way Kelly answered you was perfect and it is the perfect example of “what not to say to a victim of an N”
      I gotta wonder who pissed in your cornflakes today?

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  2. Not that response is needed, but I thought I would clarify a few points.
    I sent my message to Carrie to touch base and to let her and those know when I frequented her more often that my life was going good and on the way to great.

    I have not abandoned my children in any way shape or form, but there are some battles that you have no choice of winning. Fight for joint custody was one of these. I fought for roughly two years, not just for my kids but my sanity. 8 months after being kicked out of my house, the house the N’ and I built together to raise our family using my oldest who was 15 at the time and my youngest who 9 to help with his dirty work, I filled for divorce. I thought I was doing everyone a favor by waiting until after the holidays. I filled because we had agreed that divorce was the right thing for us to do, when he was being civil, and because I had to call his bluff. When he decided to be nastiest and hurt me the most he would threaten filing for divorce, he would say things like the kids would have to live on the streets and eat of garbage cans in front of them if I didn’t just walk away. He was telling the kids that there was no place in my new life for them and he would talk about all the guys lines up at my doorstep to take care of me and how I didn’t need them anymore. He would tell the kids it was okay to visit and talk with me and then in next breath talk about how much he needed them at home. When the first hearing came up, he came armed with a lawyer and I couldn’t afford one. We had a judge that never practiced family law as lawyer and his entire law career was corporate law. After that first hearing and having my ass handed to me I found a lawyer who couldn’t believe how much slander was used and the things the judge allowed in court. The judge had no knowledge of emotional abuse or how it presents itself. Every stipulation that was laid before me to just have unsupervised visitation with my children I worked to have completed in three months. Each of those stipulations came back that I was in a continual bind situation and that the N’ was controlling and abusive. My last counselor flat out asked me if I realized that women in less abusive situations than mine had been known to shoot their abusive spouses.

    During the two years it took to get to the divorce settle the ex shared every piece of information on the divorce hearing with the kids. He managed to convince them that I was lying to the counselors and that I manipulated all them into believing my lies. My son was under such stress that he was having full blown violent meltdowns. He is now 12, 5’6″ and 170 pounds, When these meltdowns occur fear tears through me because I have no means of controlling him if ever crossed the line that he was straddling. My 15 year old was already starting to withdraw into herself. After long talks with my lawyer and my counselor it was decided that allowing the N’ to continue with full physical custody and joint legal custody was a better decision than risking have the Judge make a judgment that we could not change later on. As it stands I have every other weekend with my two youngest kids and they can at will ask for more time with me. The battle they are facing and the one I cannot help with is the guilt card the N’ plays. As much as I encourage them to talk about the things they do with their dad and as positive as I am about it it’s not enough for the fact that he doesn’t allow them to feel safe and secure in loving and enjoying us both.

    My children were following the N’ footsteps thinking that I was doormat to be walked over. Both of my younger kids had no problem picking up my cell phone and doing what ever they wanted with it. My 15 year old had no problems slapping my arm or my leg when I would say or do something she didn’t agree with. My son was ignoring the small things I would ask him to do, like put the x-box games back in the containers when he was done playing with them.

    It was not easy and still isn’t easy, but it’s getting better, to reteach my kids that I am a person and I have feelings. That my thoughts and feelings count too. There is very few things I wouldn’t do for my children, but I cannot allow anyone not even them to disregard me as a person.

    As for my relationship with my boyfriend. I only mentioned it as part of the healing process. Entering new relationships should be done with caution and you need to be aware of the baggage that you are bringing with you. There are several times that I about ran because of the flashbacks from ex and I had to stop and recognize I was the one bring the ex that my boyfriend deserved the chance to respond before I reacted on past experience. He was been wonderful on the occasions I don’t quiet meet the mark and is patient with me. He is also helping the kids learn about how they should respect their mom. He has watched what the ex has put me through and how the kids have treated me and still stood by my side. “Another Man” isn’t the right answer when freshly out of one relationship, but some people need to know it’s okay to move on after N’ and not every person at their is a N’ and you, no one else but you, have to be willing to open yourself up again. In reality almost past my boyfriend up because I thought he would be to self absorbed. In reality he is the sweetest guy in the world and loves with every inch of his being. He is just what I needed after all time I spent with the N’ and not only that he has helped to open a world of warm caring people.

    For those that reach for a negative first, try to keep in mind this is what the N’ has taught you to do. If one looks hard enough you can always find a flaw, but with practice it is easier to see how a flaw can bring beauty and to appreciate something for what it is. I wake up every morning and say today is going to be a great day and you know what it is.

    I hope all of you find peace within yourself and the strength to escape the bonds of your N’

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    1. Kelly your response was eloquent and real thank you. I felt immediately defensive for you. Sorry I didn’t just let you handle it but I feel a responsibility to make sure everyone is treated with respect and not judged.
      I have found since the N I am much more apt to speak out against any kind of injustice to me or anyone else.

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      1. Carrie,

        I truly appreciate you coming to my defense. This is your site and if you feel unjustice has been done you need to stand up and speak out.

        I have found that it’s easier, sometimes, to provide and explaination and move on. Between the courts, my lawyer and especially my counselor I have learned not go on the defensive. A really hard lesson to learn to because it’s instict.

        You have done a wonderful job with this site and over all it is a warm and inviting place that people can come and learn how to heal again.

        If it’s okay, I will continue to stay in touch from time to time. I realize that a lot of the people hear aren’t ready to move into other relationships and may never be. That is okay. I will keep that in mind.

        Have a great day and continue with the great work you are doing,
        Kelly

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  3. A couple more pieces of background…
    Within the first year my relationship with the N’ he stared with the threatening to leave and never come back.y response was always there’s the door, but if you walk out don’t come back. Mentally I started preparing and had a game plane for that day.

    My plan B was the knowledge that I could out live him. He was 10 years old than me and statistically women out live men by 8 years, so I figured bare minimum I had 18 years free of him.

    I had already done my grieving for the broken promises that would never be.

    My N’ convinced our children that by him earning a paycheck that’s all he has to do yo contribute. While I spent 14 years working, being disciplinarian, mom, chauffeur and all the other hats a parent wears.

    I am still the one my kids turn to when they need something done. I bought my son a go phone for sim card, because the N’ can’t find the time to fix the plane phone and I can’t because it’s not my plan, I’ll buy the pants and bow tie for the band concert that’s Tuesday (my son told me he needed these) because the N’ doesn’t have time.

    Have no doubt I love my children and would do anything for them, even make sure they have everything they need for their dad’s birthday gift.

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  4. Carrie,

    Thank you! As always you look at a bigger picture and provide support.

    Morgan’s response while negative and could be considered hurtful is a prime example of how N’s corrupt our thought process and make us dwell in a dark negative place.

    I am thrilled that you say at least saw the positive in my update. If one person can walk away seeing something positive then it’s a success.

    I know that those closest to the situation with me stated many times that they couldn’t have done it.

    I have learned, though it’s hard, not to take the defensive when attacked or judged. I just have to remind myself that negativity is a reflection of the person it comes from and not a reflection of me or my decisions.

    I hope Morgan finds peace….

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  5. Reblogged this on survivorsjustice and commented:
    Excellent life after being involved with a Narcissist!!! Great read to help those who are rebuilding after the abuse and disregard which is so common in being in a relationship with a Narcissistic Personality. Great stuff , passing it forward!!!

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