I received this message today and want to share it with everyone. This is a message of hope for those of you still struggling with no contact and thinking you will never heal. I cried when I read it, happy tears.
Good Morning Ladies
It’s been awhile since I posted and I thought I would give an update. I keep this blog feeding to my e-mail as a reminder as to how far I have come and where I don’t want to ever be again.
Carrie, Thank you for continuing this blog and providing a safe place for people find the understanding and support needed to being healing!
My N’ is effectively as much out of my life as one can be with three kids. The divorce paperwork was signed on 9/11 even though our hearing was on the 31 of July. I came out of the courtroom with a huge sense of relief.
The N’ maintained full physical custody of the kids, only two are under age now. Not what I necessarily wanted, but it saved from putting them the court system yet again. My kids know that I am there for them and just a phone call away and they aren’t little anymore 18, 15 and 12. The N’ is trying to play superdad and do everything I did for 16 years without his help and he’s stumbling pretty hard.
He, in typical N fashion, has played the mayrtar card of poor me I am single dad doing it all on my own the ex won’t help. Which I am okay with. I have learned that it’s okay to stand back and watch and wait to be asked for help. Yes, I know that he won’t ask for it because then he has to admit he isn’t as great as he thinks he is.
I do have to say that the day of court hearing for our divorce, he was almost an hour. He didn’t think he needed to be at the courthouse that he could just handle it all over the phone. Neither his lawyer or mine know where that idea of his ever came up at. It’s nice to know that after two years of battling uphill to settle what is fair the eyes of court that’s all over. At the end he was pretty much done running me through the wringer.
The thought process on this was that if he continued to press as hard as was about how awful of a person I am that it would bite him in the ass. I had three different counselor’s comeback showing that he was abusive in the marriage, that I did not have anger management problems and that he was alienating the kids from me. This last one is still a problem, but it’s a battle the kids are going to have to pick up and battle, mainly because I no longer fit the N’s world so he can’t be bothered or doesn’t know how to encourage common curtiesy and respect to me as their mom.
I like knowing that I can freely move forward with my own life and even though I had already started that I can now continue with no restrictions.
My boyfriend and I still going strong and have wonderful communication. He is gentle with me when I come across the situations that make me want to draw back. He regonizes the causes and gives the moral and emotional support I need to know that I am not going to have the rug ripped out from under me. We enjoy the small moments in life and look at the future as an adventure to be had.
Being N’ free is great and there are days I would love to thank him for the experience that he gave me. Without the nightmare that he gave me, I may not have learned to appreciate the little things in life. I wouldn’t fully appreciate that it’s okay to someone that you love them over and over again in ten minutes just because you can. Without his nightmare I wouldn’t have realized the amount of strength that I have in me. I go out and look for the positives in life. I have put my pieces back together and the picture is no long the same and it’s okay. Life is great!
Good Luck to all of you! Hang in there and be strong. Each step you take a way from your N’ will only help you realize your own strength. Keep in mind it is your strength that drew the N’ to you and it’s that same strength that will pull you through!
There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie