It’s Easy To Forget What Is Truly Important

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My son and his 80 lb Bull Mastiff, and if you notice Kato is peacefully chewing on a squeaky ball not the least bit concerned there is another dog in the house.

In life it is normal to take what you have for granted, its hard to remember to be thankful for the simple blessings we have in everyday life when our heart is breaking. We lose the person we thought was our whole world and feel sorry for ourselves. All we can think about is our pain and how unfair life is.

In many cases we have grown apart from family and friends because the N made it so difficult to see them we just gave up or gave in to appease him/her.
I lost everything I thought made me who I was, when I lost my home, that I had worked so hard as a single mom, to attain; I thought that it was the worst thing I had ever gone through and didn’t know how I would ever have a home again.
Then with JC I lost all my furniture due to his efforts several times, either he didn’t come and help me move when he promised, or he destroyed it in anger, or the storage bill didn’t get paid because I gave him the money and he spent it elsewhere. Once he made me leave it behind saying we would buy new and of course that never happened. The first time I was devastated and thought I couldn’t leave him because I had nothing.
But I have a house full of furniture now and like I said I lost all my furniture several times which means I replaced all my furniture several times and managed to do it for practically no money because God provides.
Then I lost all my jewellery, the $4000 ring I had made for my son out of all my diamond rings, the ring I had made for myself to match it; the baby booties I was given when my son was born, JC even gave me a gold ring that had the diamond solitaire missing, and it was my own ring!! I have nothing of value left.
All my clothes were stolen twice!! And I have more clothes than I need now.
You name it and I’ve lost it. I came home after a fight with JC because he didn’t want me to go to work that day; to find all my stuff in a muddy field and him hosing it down.
I had 3 cars stolen in 3 years.
I had money taken.
It got so that I hardly reacted when something of mine disappeared or got destroyed. I lost 4 jobs because of him including my own business that he now takes credit for. I have been homeless because of JC and I have had major health issues because of the stress of being with an abusive partner. I have lived in places a dog shouldn’t live and animal services would have rescued the dog but I was left there to struggle my way out of it.
There is one thing I have never lost and the only thing that is of any TRUE value and that is my boy.

I had him here for 24 hours, after not seeing him for 2 1/2 years and I cherish every second of that 24 hours. To be able to cook dinner for my family in my little home, to sit back and watch my brother, son and nephew talk and laugh was the best gift ever and a true blessing. I am so thankful for all I have, for the love of my family.

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top Pic my son and nephew reading some joke on the internet. second pic is my brother and son, two handsome young men. I should have taken some photos of my son’s tattoos. I always told him not to tattoo past his elbows, but he rarely listened to me anyway. But I am very pleased with the tattoos he has gotten. He puts lot of thought into what he gets and the artists he gets to do them are very talented. He started tattooing himself when he was about 18 and oh he made a horrible mess, he has covered them all up now and almost has full sleeves. One one arm he has Arc Angel Micheal trying to pull a man out of hell and the devil is pulling on the guy trying to drag the guy into hell. it takes up most of his arm. on his hands he has a compass pointing to true north on the other hand he has an anvil and a sledge hammer breaking a chain. It symbolizes Canada “true north strong and free”. He has a French Cross on one calf and a normal cross on the other calf. He has two blue birds on his chest because his dad  and all his uncles have the same tattoos. I forget now what his back says, Its in Greek and says something about a man integrity. He went to Alberta Bible College and could be a pastor if he wanted and could find a church that would take him, he would be quite the pastor standing up at the front of the church with all his tattoos. I bet he would do an awesome job. He used to mentor troubled teens.

I can not put into words how blessed I feel.

No matter what I ever thought I lost, the things that really matter are still there for me.

I can’t believe I ever thought what JC and I had was worth the agony I went through.

Some times a person has to lose everything to appreciate what they have.

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I don’t remember what my brother said but Kris and I thought it was pretty dang funny. and at the very bottom is my sweet little grand baby. No doubt that my son is the father!!

If someone asked me what’s the one message I would like to get through to young women it would be this.

Never value a man more than you value yourself and your family. I can remember feeling that I was lacking without a man in my life and I see it on here all the time. Women with broken hearts anxious to meet another man, afraid they will never love again, if a woman doesn’t want to date people say, “Don’t worry, you will heal and want to date again.” But who is saying that wanting to date says you are healed? I think it is the woman who doesn’t need to date to feel complete, the woman who is open to dating and love coming into her life but does not NEED it to feel complete. I have wasted so much time worrying about whether a man liked me or not, whether I was attractive enough, how can I make a man love me and appreciate me and totally ignoring what was best for ME. Dating sites etc are the “bars” of today full of desperate women looking for a man who will make her feel “worthy” if those same women took the focus off of the man and put it on herself and what she is doing with her life she wouldn’t need the reinforcement of a man to feel valued she would KNOW she is valuable because of what she is contributing to the world and she will be judged by her own actions in the world and not on the man she is with. If more women valued themselves and didn’t rely on a man to give her worth there would be a lot less affairs, and narcissists would have a hard time finding victims.

Before you start looking for a man to love, take the time to love and value yourself. Pull yourself out of your black hole, better yourself, become more self aware, learn something new, give back to the world, treasure what you have, pray for what you need and know the difference between what you need and what you want, and what they tell you you should want or need.  and most of all be Thankful for small blessings because when it all comes down to it, it’s all you have.

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

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8 thoughts on “It’s Easy To Forget What Is Truly Important

  1. I needed to see this today. Thanks for sharing your reocvery from N with us Carrie, it’s so helpful. Just to reiterate what everyone is saying on here. They never change. I have also lost all my money, a roof over my head and have moved 6 differents times after leaving my N. Never believe the promises, they are a carrot on a stick and they never fullfil them. I’ve now hit a point where I see him as a complete loser. I’ve used alcohol as a crutch for 2 years to deal with the choas he has brought to my life. I’ve been manipulated and controlled. It is so hard to realise that you were never loved for who you were, only what they could suck out of you. I feel sorry for him now as he lost a woman that truly loved him. Not anymore. I can’t even look at him he has cheated used and devastated my life so much. But for him I’m the loser, the drunk, the woman who wont support him. I know I’m not. Good luck to everyone who is forging a life after leaving an N it’s incredibly hard and sometimes very lonely as you lose everyone through the process. Stick with it if you have left as it only gets worse if you go back. – Ness

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    • Ness, thank you for the comment. It was a long battle getting to where I am and I am proud to be here and ever so grateful because 2 years ago I wanted to die, I didn’t see any way out; any way I could ever have a normal life again. The N doesn’t make it easy because he doesn’t want you to be happy and will do anything to keep you down and out. That’s why no contact is so integral to a victims healing, as long as the N can contact the victim he/she has the power to hurt, confuse and generally control the victims life.

      Good luck with your healing journey,the best revenge is to live well and be happy. two things an N will never be able to do only imitate.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. Wow Carrie, what a wonderful little snippet of life without the N….it gives me hope and encouragement. Your son looks like a good man. Strong, fun and kind. And how special that you got to enjoy the gift of family back under your roof. There’s nothing like family. You just look very happy and content. Your home looks warm and welcoming. Lots of light and “lightness”. Unlike the heavy darkness that an N brings to our lives. Suffocating darkness. Yes, we must be thankful for these moments in our lives and the good people who love us. Thank you for sharing this.

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    • Connie, thank you, it was a very special night. It was the first time my son, nephew and step dad had seen my place. As I was saying to Kelly, the three men that I love with all my heart were here last night and I sat back and watched them all having good belly laughs over guy stuff.
      My brother has had his difficult times, really bad times with drugs, to the point that at one time shortly after JC and I moved in together I had been looking for my brother for weeks, my mom had washed her hands of him and didn’t want to talk to him but I had to find him. I even called the radio station of the town he was in asking that they announce for him to call his sister. Finally a friend told him he should call me. He said to me that he had nothing to say, and I said I don’t care if you talk, just call and breath. If I hear someone breathing I will know it is you and I will know you are alive. My son was lost to drugs at that time also and he had just gone into rehab and JC had strangled me and punched me in the head. and I wasn’t allow to have my nephew because I was with JC. I remember one day falling to my knees in the middle of the living room and sobbing. I prayed, I called pray lines on the TV, I called JC’s Mom and we prayed.
      My brother didn’t always like my son much, my son was a difficult teen but he was always such a special loving boy but his dad not being there for him was really hard on him and he was chubby in school and got teased, he just got in with the wrong crowd. My whole family told me to forget I ever had him. It was the thing JC supported me on, I guess because it put him in a good light and helped put the wall between my family and me. Now my mom and step dad think the world of Kris and my brother thinks he is a great guy. My nephew was born a gentle soul and is just a joy to be around. My son never once gave up on me and I know it was hard on him when I was with JC, I still have to watch what I say because he would never let any man get away with hitting his momma, and as much as JC getting beat on would be justice he isn’t worth my son getting in trouble with the law. My son wrote me a letter a couple of years ago and thanked me for always being there, always loving him and always believing in him even when he didn’t believe in himself.

      So you see, it was more than having family for dinner, it was my prayers answered. When you come that close to losing the people closest to you and you get another chance you really cherish every minute of it.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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    • Kelly, thank you! I cried today, not really sad tears. My son is used to me crying, that is a normal thing for me when I say good bye to him. I raised him to be independent and I never expected him to be around for me. He has good work in Regina with good benefits and pay, a chance to advance into a management position and he has to be where the work is but I do really miss having him close. In his adult life he has only lived in the same town as me for about 6 months and other than that he was working out of town, going to school out of town or travelling.
      I used to cry when I cared for my nephew when he was a baby, (the guy in the picture with my son, that now towers over my son and is only just turned 18) and had to send him home. Everyone used to laugh at me. I have 3 favorite men in my life and all 3 of them were at my house for dinner last night. My brother who is 9 years younger, my son and my nephew; my heart over flows with the love I have for them and they are all really good men. I could not be prouder than I am of them. When my son was leaving this morning I was holding it together quite well and he said, “Now mom no crying.” well that was it my eyes started to leak. I didn’t sob until he was gone. Tears of pride, that he grew up to be such a loving and responsible man (he turns 30 in dec) just blows me away. When he was wee, he used to cry every time I left him any where and it would break my heart. I would drive to the corner, park and have a good cry. We started a little tradition that we would do every time we parted. We would say. “I love you, I’ll miss you but I won’t cry.” Only problem is that now if he says that I blubber like a baby. LOL

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  3. Carrie,
    I really needed those words of encouragement tonight. Ive been out 11 nights, counting tonight. God bless you for being there. My son came to see me and spent the night last weekend. It was the first time in nearly 3 years. We laughed and it was wonderful. I feel blessed.

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    • I am so happy for you Robin!! I used to dread my son coming to visit; as much as I love him I was constantly on edge waiting and wondering what JC was going to do to ruin it because he always did something he knew would make my son angry or feel unwelcome. Any time I went to visit my son I never knew if I would get there or if my ex would have sabotaged my vehicle. To just be able to enjoy each other’s company is such a treat.
      Congratulations on 11 days out…..there will be bad days to come but just remember the laughing with your son and you will get through it. The best and only way to heal is to have no contact whatsoever with the N, he will trying everything in the book to get you to react and will probably beg you to come back but believe me, no matter what carrot he dangles it is all lies and things will be worse than ever. Stay strong and come here if you need moral support. You are on the path to healing now, things will only get better and the longer you are away the lighter you feel, birds sing sweeter, the sun shines brighter, flowers more fragrant.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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