Unreasonable Expectations

I think many victims of narcissistic abuse are high achievers and like I have pointed out before they are responsible, caring and hard working individuals; which makes it understandable that the narcissist was able to manipulate them into “trying harder” and thinking they could fix the relationship and the narcissist and were willing to put in the time and effort to do so. We have high expectations of ourselves and never want to give up and admit defeat, we tell ourselves that if we were a little more understanding, if we explained in a way the N could understand, maybe if we never had a bad mood or got angry, if we had no expectations of the N and accepted him as he is, or if we love him unconditionally enough he will reciprocate. 

It makes sense that we would be hard on ourselves then, when we aren’t able to just pick up and ,move on after the Narc, so many times victims come in here asking if there is something wrong with them because it has been, say 6 whole weeks and they are still crying and don’t feel like dating. 

I am always surprised when people think they should be over the horrific soul destroying relationship they had with the N within a few short months. Yes, he has moved on with ease, but you are forgetting; he had it planned all along, he NEVER was committed to the relationship. If he did stop seeking others it was only during the time he was concentrating on hooking you; it never was his intention to remain faithful to you, he always had his eye out for the next mark. He always knew he was going to leave you; he just didn’t know for sure how long it was going to take to drain you of all your resources or exactly when something better would come along; but he knew it would happen. 

You on the other hand were viewing it as a life time commitment, you had met your soulmate and were willing to invest everything you had to make him happy and to spend the rest of your life with this man/woman. You viewed what you were investing as investing in your future together and he was viewing it as getting what he could out of you before he moved on.

The fact that you lost the love of your life is devastating enough and can take a person years to get over but you are also dealing with the fact that he never loved you or was invested in the relationship and you have probably lost financially in a big way also.

To expect you would recover from that in a few months is, really, well ……..totally unrealistic, I don’t think it is humanly possible. In my opinion, anyone who is capable of going through the hell of being with a narcissist and can fully invest in another relationship without taking at least, at the very least 1 year to recover is only masking their feelings and will repeat history again and again.

You have to be willing to invest the same amount of time into healing yourself as you would invest into saving a relationship that was never worthy of your efforts. YOU are worthy of the effort to deal with the feelings and heal yourself and your future partner deserves that healed person not someone who is still packing bitterness and hurt deep inside. You CAN NOT move forward, truly move forward without baggage until you deal with the shit the narc left you with. It is like stepping in dog shit, you didn’t mean to step in it, and when you did you tried to wipe it off your shoe but the stink will follow you around and come off on everything you walk on until you take the time to really make sure you washed it out of all the treads. If you don’t look closely and realize there is still shit stuck in all the treads you might even throw the shoe out thinking it is ruined because it still stinks, but all you have to do is clean it better.

By thinking you can take a few weeks to cry and then move on you will be packing the shit into the next relationship and the next and wondering why everything still smells like shit and perhaps throw away a perfectly good relationship because you wrongly assume it is him that is causing the stench but it is you who packed the shit into the new relationship. Or you will miss the scent of another narc because the shit you are packing will mask the smell. 

Well enough about shit on shoes, you get my point and I have to go to work, I am going to be late.

Today, give yourself a break, lower your expectations of yourself, accept that you are human and you need time to heal. Cry if you want to, you have every right; you might have a good cry a year or two after the split; it is not abnormal!!! You are not a machine. IF you are still crying daily and it is 6 months later and you aren’t sleeping or sleeping too much or drinking too much or aren’t functioning in a productive way then I think you need to get professional help. but as long as you can see progress then give yourself a break. As long as the episodes of crying are farther apart, as long as your mood is generally getting better and you can find some joy somewhere, don’t worry. Healing hurts, we don’t like to hurt, we don’t like people to see our hurt, we want our life back yes, but it just doesn’t happen overnight. The hurt is telling you that you are processing your feelings and that means you are healing. We all heal at a different pace and that is ok. 

Taking a proactive approach to healing is a good thing, taking control of your healing is a good thing, but thinking finding another man/woman is going to heal you, you are only kidding yourself. That is what teenagers do, not adults who have had their soul ripped out and stomped on. Educate yourself by reading, and by looking deep within to see what you need and want out of a relationship, learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, learn to make yourself happy.

Have a geat day

Hugs

Carrie

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8 thoughts on “Unreasonable Expectations

  1. It has taken me years to get over it; in fact I still have teary moments, moments of anger and darkness. No one can say how long it should take you; it is a very individual thing. But I CAN say that each day it hurts less, I get stronger, and I don’t ache as much as before. That’s enough for now and someday I won’t care at all; his loss-I’m as loving as a person can be.

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  2. This post is truly inspired, and I needed it today. Thank you Carrie. I accidentally came across a post this morning written by one of the ex’s fans which was very hateful and toxic to read. Painful yes! It made clear that the ex had engaged in a smear campaign labeling me as crazy as the “fan” inserted I was out to ruin his life. Actually, strictly speaking, it wasn’t the truth. That rat bastard is like a cat that will always land on his feet, so no need to worry about him. His fans, however, can be hard to take especially since they are so hateful towards me,and they don’t even know me! His fans were eating up his smears. Total morons IMO. But I know he’s got them fooled!

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  3. Really needed to hear that… Loved the similarity to shit!!!! But it’s true… And that is right, any wonder it is taking along time because yes, to us it really was the love of our life… I for one have definately been trying to spray perfume to mask it or run faster to try to get away from it…

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  4. Great post and brilliant news about the huge number of blog hits! Everyone who has to go through this healing process should comfort themselves with this; we have hearts, real hearts that feel and we should not feel guilty for choosing to offer our hearts to others. The narcissist has no heart; he is empty and false. He is therefore not a whole human being. Feel sorry for a person who has to railroad over hearts. They will never know how beautiful it feels to love.

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