A Trip Down Memory Lane

take timeI went looking through old posts last night in hopes of finding something that might help some of the people going through the process of letting go of the N, and staying no contact. I reposted one titled Thank You, from Feb 2012; it was written after JC had popped back into my life after several months of no contact, professed his love and begged forgiveness only for me to go into his Facebook and discover he had gotten engaged 8 days earlier. I was devastated and as you can tell confused, angry, hurt and spinning my wheels.

I read it last night and cried remembering how broken I felt, so utterly helpless, alone and without hope. I cried for the woman who was writing that post, I felt so sorry for her, but I don’t know her, not any more. It is a strange feeling, I can relate so well to her, but I don’t recognize her, I want to comfort her and tell her things will get better. At that time I had no one, truly no one except a handful of people who followed my blog and for whatever reason choose to take me under their wing and urge me to carry on, they gave solid advice lovingly and every day they were there again.  My mother wasn’t around, I had no friends, ( I didn’t feel I had friends I could talk to who would understand,) I guess it was easier to bare my soul to strangers, I could be honest with my feelings with JC’s sister because she had seen what I had gone through near the end but I didn’t feel anyone else would understand and I was ashamed of myself, I didn’t know who this broken person was and didn’t know how to relate to the outside world, I felt disconnected from the rest of the world because my life was so not the life of anyone I had ever known.

Reading that post has made me even more determined to continue with this blog and be there for others going through a similar hell.  I think I tend to over empathize with people who come in here because I assume everyone is feeling as devastated as I was and that is not the case, some are worse off than I was and many are able to move on quite quickly. We all deal with things differently and don’t take this the wrong way please, but I am here to give encouragement and support to the people who are really struggling and are feeling truly lost and broken. I want to be the shoulder to cry on and the voice of reason and empathy.

Some times, especially in the Support Forum I notice some “man bashing” and the women are moving on, dating etc and that is all good and well and I am happy to see anyone move on and find happiness. I do believe dating too soon can be a big mistake because I feel to fully heal you have to take time, do some soul-searching and work on your self-esteem and boundaries.

There are many sites on the net for man bashing and I don’t want this site to join the ranks, I want to keep it as a safe haven for people who are really hurting and seeking encouragement. I don’t know if I am going to offend people by saying this but I have had it mentioned that some people coming in here feel uncomfortable and that they can’t speak openly on the Forum because they are not to the point of dating. I have had men complain that the women are “man bashing” and they feel uncomfortable. The last thing I want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome.

I LOVE men, I DO NOT believe all men are a certain way and I hope that I don’t spend the rest of my life single and celibate 🙂 but I don’t need a man to feel complete or to be happy. Right now I don’t feel I want the added responsibility of a relationship, I don’t feel like sharing, as much as I get lonely sometimes and wish I had a body to snuggle at night; I don’t want just any body. I don’t want to have to answer to anyone or have to consider anyone else’s feelings right now, I don’t want to compromise on anything right now, I don’t want to have to cook dinner or do someone’s laundry or clean a toilet that wasn’t dirtied by me only. I am feeling selfish right now so I know now is not the time to be dating because the few times I wish I had a man in my life are far outweighed by the times I am so damn glad I don’t have a man in my life.

Maybe it is my age, I know when I was in my 20’s and 30’s (I was with JC through my 40’s) having a man in my life was very important. I don’t know if it was being with JC that changed that for me or just getting older, wiser and more confident. Would it have happened if I had not been with JC? who knows. I only know now that as much as I wasted years trying to please JC, someone incapable of love or happiness; I have wasted a good part of my adult life worrying about getting a man, having a man in my life, being pretty enough, intelligent enough, successful enough, sexy enough, skinny enough, and never felt I was enough. I haven’t always dated N’s, in fact I think I had a few pursue me and I dumped them immediately. I have never wanted a love-sick puppy and that is how narcissists come across at first, if a guy came on too strong I pushed him away. I actually chose to love JC, I chose to let a man sweep me off my feet and told myself to not be so independent. I have casually dated since JC, the first man I dated was an N I think, I got the feeling right away but I also was not as healed as I am not and find that I am more in control of my emotions as time goes on. If I recognize someone as being an N I just stay clear, whereas a year ago it was harder to trust my instincts; just another reason I don’t advocate dating too soon.

Personally I feel that for a person coming out of a long-term narcissistic relationship it is pure luck if they don’t get involved with another narcissist. I don’t want to always be saying that to people and bursting their bubbles and excitement about dating but I can’t advocate dating too soon and I don’t want people coming into the site to feel they should be ready to date after a month (or even weeks).

I really urge people who are struggling with an issue, whether it is guilt, no contact, gas lighting, whatever issue is foremost for you, to use the search feature and look it up. There are many articles covering every issue there is about narcissists and the effect they have on people and how to best handle it. I simply can’t keep covering the same topics over and over, I don’t have the time or the desire and the information is already there. I am there with a sympathetic ear and shoulder to cry on but please take some initiative for your own healing and research it yourself, read my posts and the comments, there are some amazing stories buried in the archives of this blog plus other blogs covering the subject of domestic abuse. (I give links to various sites I have found helpful) I encourage everyone to become proactive about their recovery and to respect that we all heal at a our own pace, all of us are in a state of heightened emotions and may be sensitive and be kind with each other.

The one thing that I know is an absolute necessity is NO CONTACT, if you read my older posts you will see I struggled as much as anyone here with no contact but I learned the hard way that it is the only way to start healing and as long as you have any contact at all you are not healing. So when people come in and say they don’t know why they aren’t healing a year after breaking up with the N I automatically know they are still in contact. Your healing begins when you sever all ties to the narcissist, to think you can stay friends, have casual sex or “teach him a lesson” you are only kidding yourself.

You may fall off the wagon and break no contact and that is normal, eventually you will accept that every time you have contact you are set back and get sick of beating your head against a brick wall. I will keep chanting No Contact until it sinks in (with love and empathy of course).

I haven’t been around as much because I am working full-time now and commuting an hour each way so my blogging time has been seriously cut, I also want to start working on a book and do painting for the Christmas craft fair. I am around, read the comments daily and try to reply to comments directed to me personally but I may not comment as much as I used to.

I think what is happening in my life is; I have healed and life is providing opportunities to move on and I feel ready, strong enough, intelligent enough, sexy enough, pretty enough, and confident enough to move forward. Almost 3 years post JC, I have gone from a broken woman who tried to kill herself because she had nothing to live for to the me I want to be with dreams, hopes and looking forward to seeing what lies ahead.

Love and hugs to you all.

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6 Replies to “A Trip Down Memory Lane”

  1. Inspiring. Congratulations on the job.
    I would like to make a comment on healing and NC. Yes. Healing begins with that, but it’s not the only thing that will bring healing. I went no contact and still didn’t feel healed after a year. It all depends on what else is going on, and as you point out, we all heal differently and in our own time.

    Lumping a gender into one lump is not healing either. The behaviors we are all hurt by come from certain people. And men have been equally injured by women who are Ns too.

    I still like men in general but know that I have attracted the ones who are hurtful and self centered. That doesn’t mean they are all like that. Just as it doesn’t mean that all women are the way some men have experienced their relationships.

    Anyway, just as it is with race and skin color, people should be judged by who they are as a person, not by the fact that they are a certain gender.

    I have found someone who has a radio show to be rather helpful in my healing process named Kaleah. You can search her name along with blog talk radio. Her last show, dated, Tues. Oct. 15 really shed a lot of light for me on things pertaining to narcissism within a relationship.

    She does a radio show there every Tuesday.

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      1. Hi Carrie-
        Yeah that’s how I originally found her. But I’m drawn to radio shows. 🙂
        The one she did on 10/15/13 called “Don’t Fall in Love” contained some things that created an interesting shift for me.

        One thing she said was that the narcissist’s love is like sticky notes. He can just place the sticky on the next person and then stick it back on you too if he chooses.

        It put some stuff in perspective for me, like what a waste of time it really is to think that he could even be sorry about certain things. It was like I was still hoping and hadn’t realized it when I heard Kaleah relate it to post it/sticky notes.

        And then I realized that I had been wasting my time hoping. The hope dissolved as I had this epiphany of sorts. Epiphany of realizing both that I had been still holding the hope as much as that it was a waste of time.

        And then I went into this feeling of grief all over again.

        Not really a selling point I guess for her show. But it should be because it drove some serious reality into my consciousness.

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  2. I am glad you posted this, Carrie. I have noticed a trend to advise ppl to “move on” “you will find someone worthy of you” ( all this is true of course ) and it seems to give the impression that another relationship is really the thing that will heal you. Any relationship , if taken on too early in the healing process, is just an avoidance tactic. WE focus on the new man or woman to avoid feeling the pain we feel because of the N. WE want to have someone too, like they do and in a lot of cases we want them to know. ” See what you lost” “look what I have” ” he wants me, aren’t you jealous”. all trying to evoke an emotion, perhaps from the N. Wanting him to hurt as much as we did. Of course this is normal human feelings. But remember, they don’t have those! He doesn’t care. All that kind of contact does is tell him you are still hurt, thinking of him and want to “get to him”. More supply! He smiles and laughs. That is why NO CONTACT is the best thing. True healing takes the desire away to ever contact him again. You don’t care what he feels about anything. You don’t care if he thinks of you, you don’t care what he’s doing, or who he is doing lol And you don’t want him to know what you are or aren’t doing. It becomes unimportant.
    How to get to that point it the tough one. Lots of internal work and just plain old TIME. Lots of it. And then lots more LOL

    Carrie, you have done a tremendous job here and as you say there is volumes of “good stuff” to draw on. Even if there was not another post posted those newly hurt, struggling and confused could find some hope and answers by searching. Don’t worry about the blog. It will be fine 🙂 We will let you know if anything “happens” that should not. Like we always have! 🙂

    (((( Hugs )))
    Ellie

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    1. thanks Ellie I appreciate the efforts you put in here encouraging everyone and giving advice.
      It is so true, I cringe when someone says to me, “Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone new.”
      Like I won’t be happy unless I have a man in my life. Sure, now I am starting to feel like I might want to date occasionally, but by no means do I want anything serious or do I feel I NEED a man to be complete. If a person doesn’t take the time to heal they are just asking to meet another N because they want to be swept off their feet and made to feel special, perfect target for another N.

      Its that attitude of have to have a man that gives the N so many women to triangulate, because they are complimented he wants them over some other woman. I know when JC tried it with me I refused to play the game with him and he was incredulous, he said, “Instead of getting mad you are supposed to want to try harder to please me. When you were really trying you were in good standing.” I said, “Good standing?” He said “yeah with the other women. You were right up at the top.” I said, “I didn’t know I was in competition, I don’t compete for any man.” and I didn’t, don’t and won’t.

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      1. “Instead of getting mad you are supposed to want to try harder to please me.——-)))) oh this makes so upset when i remember being told….. maybe if you would have been nicer, i would have stayed. As if he was a big friggin prize to be won. Some prize 😉

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