Did He/she Ever Love Me?

I think that is what causes us most of the pain; to find out that it is all a scam. He never loved us, we were totally sucked in; how could some one fake loving that well if they really weren’t feeling it?

The thing is; for us it was the love of our life, it was what movies are made of. In my case, our eyes met across a bar and we were pulled together almost like we were in some sort of magnetic fource field.

Then came the love bombing, the flowers for no reason (when he said he wasn’t big on special occasion gifts and believed in giving all year I didn’t see the red flag because I was getting big bouquets of flowers and love notes all the time, who cares about valentines when every day is a lovefest?)

It seemed to come so easy to him, he never got angry and was so easy to talk to how does someone present such an opposite image of himself?

JC worked for a company whose company motto was “Image is everything”. He loved that motto, as would be expected; it could be the narcissist’s motto because that is how he operates. Image IS everything to the narcissist.

Of course you feel you never loved like that before because you were living in the type of romantic relationship we have always seen in movies and on TV. That is where the narcissist learnt how to “love” and then with every relationship he picks up tips and pointers from his latest victim so as he ages he hones his skills and perfects his technique for hooking his next victim. As his good looks fade his skills increase, that is why age really doesn’t slow him down.

Seeing as a narcissist can not feel like a normal person; he doesn’t know what love feels like. He may see a woman that has something he wants and feel an attraction to her and confuse that with “love” but he really has no idea what love feels like. In fact he probably doesn’t understand why his victim is so hurt and upset when he unceremoniously dumps her. He is confused by the display of emotion; he assumes it is all part of the game. For him he is playing a role just like these games where all the people pick a character to play in the game. Some people really get involved in these games and have a hard time separating the game from reality. So it is with the narcissist and love; he is playing a character in a game and assumes everyone else is also. It is a matter of keeping one step ahead of the other players and earning extra points (money, praise, the beautiful woman) . After we split and he came to tell me how much he always loved me he said a few very telling things.

1. He said, “I wanted to change my life.”
2. You knew I had lost my job and had to move. (when I asked him how he could move in with the new woman so quickly)
3. You could have had a different man every night. (he didn’t understand why I hadn’t just replaced him with some other man, in his mind that is the natural thing to do. Because he is not invested in any relationship he can easily just find another victim and pretend to love them in order to get what he wants. He doesn’t really see anything wrong with that because he assumes everyone is operating in the same way.
4. I was as faithful as I could be.
I believe that. When he was on the road trucking etc he did not see that as cheating because I wasn’t there so how would I know. Its all about the image. As long as he called me and told me he missed me and loved me why would I get upset?
5. When talking about the married woman I caught him with and how he went immediately that night to the new woman and ended up moving in with her.
He said, The relationship with the married woman was too complicated and the house was all tied up because the husband was fighting the break up. And he looked at me with total honesty on his face. “You knew how bad the mice were in the trailer, I had to get out of there, and you knew my job was done.”
It just seemed so obvious to him that it almost made sense to me.

I remember when he was still writing the woman in Africa 2 years later and I was so upset. He said it meant nothing. I asked how it can mean nothing; he was promising to bring her to Canada and marry her. He had replied, “Its hard to stop talking to her, you don’t know the things she says”. I did read some of her letters and she gushed about how much she loved him and waited to hear from him wanted to be with him. She was looking for some way out of Africa and thought he was her ticket out. He was just getting good strokes off it. I asked why he would lead her on to believe he was bringing her to Canada and he had said, “Do you have any idea what kind if life she leads? Its hell on earth there. I brighten her day and give her hope.”
I said, “False hope. And you are preventing her from meeting another man who might actually get her out of there.”
He looked puzzled.

Image is everything. But image is nothing……just an image, no substance.

So we meet the narcissist and he presents the image of what he has seen in movies, read in books or learned by watching others; as the perfect love relationship. He is playing his part and we play ours; in his mind. After that we lose him because our feelings aren’t an image; we really feel, we are truly committed, our love grows but his diminishes because as with anything the excitement wears off. The supply he gets from us becomes boring; he doesn’t have to win our love any more. He knows he has it so it isn’t worth anything to him any more. He needs the thrill of earning someone’s love, that’s why he keeps coming back after he dumps you.
Once he dumps you and see you are moving on then to win your love back has worth in his eyes, you are supply again. But as soon as he wins your love back he finds that it isn’t enough. We are thinking we will prove how much we love him and our consistency and faithfulness are exactly what he hates, it doesn’t give him the ego boost he needs. He doesn’t have to try, he knows you love him where is the challenge.

When you watch a love story in a movie usually the whole movie is about the “romancing” the misunderstanding between lovers; the back and forth, the winning of the love interest. Once the couple get together the credits start to roll, the movie is over. They never show what happens now; that the couple goes off and lives a boring life in the suburbs somewhere.

We are expecting the romance and intense love to continue but the narcissist doesn’t know what comes next because in the movies the movie is over, the lights go on and everyone goes home.

If you think about it this way: say someone insisted you do something you simply can not do. It is not physically possible, like fly. You can pretend to fly, flap your arms, if you put a blue screen up and film it, it will look like you are really flying but if they expected you to jump off a building you would refuse.
If they insisted that you can fly because they saw the film of you flying, you pretended you could fly and now they want you to prove you can fly you would get angry with them; maybe even hit them if they kept pressuring you.
To you it would be suicide to jump off the building and this person is pressuring you to do something you just CAN NOT DO. Why don’t they understand that? Don’t they know it was all smoke and mirrors? Why are they so upset we won’t jump off the building?

I think that is what the narcissist is feeling. He was playing a game of pretend to get what he wants, what he needs to live. He needs Ns like we need air, it is not a choice for us and it isn’t for him either. He is not hardwired to feel sympathy, empathy, both of which are needed in order to have a conscience and all very necessary in order to feel real love.

So eventually in all his relationship there comes a point where the other person expects him to jump off the building and fly. Or in his case; love and give up his life essentially because he needs ns like we need air. For him to truly commit to anyone would be suicide to him.

Does that make any sense at all?
It was an epiphany I had the other day trying to figure out how they can appear so in love one minute and then loath you the next. They see you as the person asking them to jump off the building and fly.

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

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70 Replies to “Did He/she Ever Love Me?”

  1. The person I was in a partnership with was a diagnosed N she refused to believe what the tests said and I believed that with therapy she could become self aware and get better. I was wrong.

    I believe she loved me in her own way especially in the context that I made her life better but most assuredly not in the healthy way that grown people are supposed to. Several time I left only to be lurned back by…weakness… lonliness…. heck, I’ll admit it…LOVE!

    The last straw was when my N scheduled a non- necessary surgery for the day of my mother’s mastectomy and tried to make me feel bad because I wouldn’t chose her over my mom. She kept calling herself my life partner and saying that trumps everything. I kept saying if she was my true life partner she wouldn’t have scheduled her non-essential surgery for the same day my mom was having cancer surgery. NOTHING, I said made a difference. I was wrong, she was right and I should be at her side regardless.

    I have not seen, nor spoken to her since. Almost everything I’ve read on this site applies to my N, thank you for writing this and helping me to see that I’m not crazy. And that a normal, healthy HAPPY life alone is possible.

    Kimberly

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    1. Fucking bunch of victims, has no one the brain to consider the pain of the narcissist, why they are like that, to survive with no self esteem….. Oh why should I bo ther

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  2. Hi Carrie: It’s Mimi
    You are right about they find us boring and non-challagening after so many years. Thats’ why they are off to something new. He kept telling me to go out and meet someone after he dumped me. How could I, i was in the middle of a nervous breakdown. he even said he would send someone up to my house for me to meet. i just could not believe his words. that’s why i asked you in my email if you believe they get infactuated with the ow and the attention. what do you think? Also he always leaves you in a state of confusion as to if he will come back. He always says “if i come back to work it out one more time”. or “im not ready to come back”. .. he has to be the worst person i have ever met. Which in reality he will continue to do exactly what he wants with this new ow. That’s why it seems he will stay with her. It’s hard to believe they can just walk out and never give you a second thought. I tried for 27 years to love him and hold on… but i lost the battle and she won. Please respond. Regards and thank you mimi

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    1. I made it 25 years. We were on and off most of those years.When I finally understood how sick he was and how sick he was trying to make me, I confronted him and was probably the only person in his miserable to hold him accountable for what he has done. I was replaced by the next day. 25 years of my life was just an illusion.i will never forget his cold empty eyes the last time I saw him. He is and always will be just plain evil.

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  3. Hi Carrie:
    Do you really believe the ow gets devauled and dumped??? He just makes it seem like this one is so wonderful. Even through she really isnt. I know her from the past and he also went with her in the past and she was a total loser and still is.. but for some reason he keeps saying i’m going down this road now. i’m helping her.. i like her. your wonder if he will really stay with her. it just makes me sick. how can he be so nice and caring to her and just be so hateful and mean to me.. if i could tell you the things he has done and said recently. i just keep trying to clear them from my head. i want to be happy again. just think it will take some time. Also i go along with your comments of helping other people to get your mind off of your own troubles. i’ve been trying to do this. trying also to be a more valuable person a better person. thank you mimi

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    1. Mimi, good to see you commenting. Remember when you got with him, how wonderful he treated you and on occasion since then when he wanted something from you? that is what he is doing with her. He is playing the game, he is winning her over and not just that; he wants you to feel awful so he is going to make it sound like he is nuts for her and \you are a loser. They ALL do it. Every single one of the women in here have been totally devalued, slandered and blamed for the whole relationship and the new woman is the love of his life. It is text book. It is like they all work from the same script. As long as he knows he is getting a reaction from you and you are hurting he will continue to flaunt her under your nose and treat her well because he is getting great payback from it. When he stops getting a reaction out of you and when it no longer hurts you he will no longer get any benefit from it and will be more likely to let his true colours show.
      Right now his main goal is to make you look like a psycho, whiny, demanding insecure leach that he can’t shake. I hated myself for crying and begging JC to not go with his new woman, I cringe now thinking about it, even at the time I was telling myself to have more pride but if I knew what I know today I definitely would have cut my hand off before I would have called and begged like that. Being upset about him with another woman not only feeds his ego it proves to her that he can’t be that bad, because if you want him that bad he must be ok and he sure is acting like a nice guy to her. She is thinking, damned if I am going to ever let this man get away from me, I am not going to be stupid like that other women. If you are calm and couldn’t care less she would be wondering, “Why isn’t she upset? he’s been telling me she is so heart broken and she seems fine.”

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      1. Carrie his last dump was in Janurary. he said he was coming back we could have a good life together and get married this Fall. And then within days he was telling people he could not make up his mind so he was going down her road again. I saw him February and he says ” Im not ready to come back to you”. He still is involved with her.. blah blah. You are right the more i cry and beg him he loves it. What a cruel person. So i have not talked to him since. I’m trying the NO Contact again.. boy is it hard. I’m having trouble sleeping. It seems thoughts of him keep entering my mind and then i get the anxiety.. it’s gettting better through. i don’t want to take any meds for it. Carrie I’ve been really trying to cope and get through it. No one could image how hard it is. The mental abuse is just awful.. But do you think indifference is the way to go. Other web sites have said begging crying and pleading just is what the N feeds on. Thank you Mimi

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        1. Carrie: this comment just popped into my head. . he was bragging earlier to his family how he has his father’s disease (the disease of cheating). the father had a mistress on the side for thirty years.. his mother even knew about it. Do you feel Narcissism can be heraitery? He was laughing when he was talking to his brother. Like in his eyes it is something to be proud about.. His family just looked at him. They told him he will Need Mimi someday to take care of him (he has liver disase). Can you imagine that i would of even took care of him, died for him.. And he does not even care about me.. I must be really dump. They make you feel worthless and cheap. People say to me all the time you’ll get him back when he gets really sick. who else would want him.. Any thoughts on this..

          Thank you mimi

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          1. Hey Mimi 🙂

            My thoughts here are WHY would you want him back if he has treated you so horribly? And would you entertain , someday, when he is really sick taking care of him? Seems, people are talking like it is ok for him to be with someone else now but when he gets really ill he will be yours again. Do you really want that? Doesn’t seem fair to me at all. Please don’t even consider it, if and when it happens. Let him hire a nurse. They are paid to give you great attention, he should LOVE that. Just take care of YOU. Caring about someone does not equal taking care of them.

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          2. mimi, agree with Ellie. Why should you take care of him, please have more pride than to ever take him back just because he is sick. without seeing the doctors report I would doubt he even has liver disease. You need new friends if they are encouraging you to ever go back to him.
            Does no one think about STD’s, AIDs, how demeaning and demoralizing that is? And yes I do think it can be hereditary just like most birth defects.

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        2. that is what I have been saying Mimi, that begging and pleading with him is only feeding his ego. No contact is the only way for YOU to heal, to try to get back at him or hurt him is an exercise in futility, they don’t care that much. If you aren’t there begging and crying he might try a little harder to hook you again so he can kick you again, but that is the only reason. NOT because he cares one way or the other. Mimi, you are so used to doing everything based on how he will react that you do nothing for yourself. You go no contact for yourself, so you can heal, so you stop thinking about how he is going to react. I think you want him back so badly you would do anything to get him back and accept any conditions he put on you and allow him to do whatever he wants whenever he wants just to “win” him back and that is very sad. Yes it is painful, every person on here has been through it, we all have thought we would die from the pain, but we didn’t. We lived, and we survived and some of us even thrive. But you will never know that feeling if you do not take care of yourself

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    2. Mimi, you are wrapped up in the “she won and I lost” syndrome. Like I said before I stayed 9 1/2 years too long in a 10 year relationship. If you have been at this 27 years I would venture to guess you stayed 26 years too long. She has “won” nothing, she has just lost more than she realizes. Do you call the way you have been living “winning” what kind of prize is that? I think a lot of the pain the victims feel surrounding the ow or om is pride and ego; I know it was for me. “I did all this for him, I put up with all his shit, I wiped his ass for him and he goes off with that skank…what does she have that I don’t? NOTHING I keep telling you that……………you are no more special or less special than her or any other woman he has been with. The reason he leaves things open is because he isn’t stupid, if you are willing to wait around for him he is going to let you, you never know when he is going to need a place to hang his hat or need to get laid. He doesn’t like to have to be nice for long so he can always come over and treat you like crap, get off on your tears and get his ego boost and then go back to the new woman and be a sweetheart, cuz he sprewed his venom on you and feels so much better.
      I hate to say this because it is not very understanding of me but I am trying to get you to see reality; he does not love anyone, he does not care, he never loved you, he doesn’t love her, he is incapable of loving any one or caring about any one. He will be with her as long as she takes his shit or he meets someone who has something he wants and if she will take him back time after time he will probably go back to her too, and you if you let him. They absolutely LOVE triangulation, getting two women fighting over them, what better ego boost is there?
      SHE. DID. NOT. WIN. !!!

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  4. Carrie,
    I know you are right. he has been doing this for a year to me. People have said to me maybe if you kicked him to the curb earlier on this would of ended. I couldn’t because i was so afraid to loose him (imagine that). So afraid to lose this nothing. I thought if he left he would never come back to me. Maybe if i did throw him out this would of stopped? But he does not respect me enough to stop. Your right about the two woman fighting over him. He loves it. I did approach her several times to leave us alone. But she does not care. She is a total loser. But he is also for getting involved with her. There isn’t a person he goes to, to ask who should i stay with. They all say go back to Mimi she loves you. Carrie I have a good job, nice home, money and do really care about him. And he knows this… this ow has nothing.. but she is giving him new attention..
    These N’s aren’t even real men.. Thank you for all your words, Mimi

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  5. Mimi, what man his age has to ask people who he should stay with? This is sounding so high school, Can you not see that? I think he is lying to you about what other people are saying. Have you been to counselling Mimi? I think maybe it might be a good idea to talk to a professional because I am not a counselor and I am lost as to what to say to you that will help you how dysfunctional this is.

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    1. Good Morning Carrie:
      THat is why i have had such a tough time with this. The whole breakup has been so bizarre and dysfunctional.. but life with him as always been disfunctional and weird. i do indeed want to heal and go on. it just is so painful and i know by reading this blog that so many other woman have been through it also and have survived.
      Carrie, i really want to heal and fall in love again with someone. i really do. i think your right about it taking a long time. And what i find is the loneliness is horrible just horrible. i want a life like everyone else.. i will keep trying to heal. i really will. thank you for your support. Mimi

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      1. Good Morning Mimi!

        Couldn’t help but commenting on this. I think the first step truly, after NC is to figure out how to fix you. Without healing and dealing first, you will just go out there and be “prey” for another N! I think there was a point for us all that we thought ” falling in love” again with someone else would take the pain away. But, most find out it only makes it worse. I think Carrie says at least 2 years? But, really , being alone is NOT being lonely, you have YOU. We have been “conditioned” to need the “drug” the N provides. He has enforced that w/o him in our lives ( a man, HA) we are nothing. And that is what we crave, a man to validate us. NOTHING is farther from the truth. It just will take alot of time……….

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      2. Mimi, no one likes to hurt, and God only knows I thought the pain would kill me. I went days unable to do anything but sit on the couch. I could spend all day sitting there, staring into space, I couldn’t watch TV, get dressed, nothing; I had to remind myself to breath and wondered if I could just forget to breath and die to end my pain. But it does subside slowly. People panic, they want the pain to stop and the fact that it isn’t gives them anxiety. Then that anxiety produces more anxiety and its like a snow ball rolling down hill gaining momentum and getting bigger as it goes.
        Try to relax (crazy as it may sound) give yourself a break, accept that you are going to be in pain for awhile, it is normal and it is healthy. Of course you are in pain, my God look what you have been through! you have every right to be in pain, just accept that you are going to have to go through this in order to heal. When you are with the N you are so busy dodging bullets, walking on egg shells, and trying to figure out what the N wants you put your own feelings on hold, block some things and and simply learn to not react out of self preservation. Once you are away from him you are free to feel those feelings and you are flooded with memories. Also, you just found out what he is, that is a lot to digest and it puts the whole relationship in a new light and you have to relive the relationship with the new knowledge. It is a lot of work but so important to healing.
        To get involved with someone else would put a band aid on the wounds and for a while you would feel better but eventually all that pain would come out somehow. You have to deal with it to true move on from it.
        Anyone fresh out of a relationship with an N is a prime target for another N and very susceptible to their love bombing. If you started dating in order to feel better about yourself the first N that comes along and thinks you are perfect and can’t get enough of you will make you feel so loved and wanted but the same thing will happen all over again.
        Read as much as you can about the N so you understand what you were dealing with, and look within to understand yourself better.
        I don’t say to look within in order to find your flaws but to find your attributes. This is a perfect time to enhance your good points and work on your weak points. Get to know yourself and fall in love with yourself, like yourself and then you won’t need a man to make you feel worthy or less lonely.
        A man can not fix this for you, only you can do that and you can!
        I know it is hard when you have been with someone that long, they define you and all your friends know you as part of a couple. The less time you spend with mutual friends the better unless they can not tell you what he is up to. I don’t know why friends feel a need to fill the person in on all the details of the ex’s live and new love interest (victim). I had to tell people to please not tell me anything about my ex, some were good friends and abided by my wishes and those that insisted on filling me in all the time I cut from my life. A good friend does not want to hurt you and if your friends are taking great pleasure in sharing his life with you then I would question how good a friend they are. The N will use friends to get to the victim also, he will tell people things knowing they will take it back to the victim.
        No contact means no contact with anyone associated with him. I am not saying you won’t back slide, most women do but the longer you can go without his influence in your life the better able you will be to stay no contact. When you do contact him it will hurt so bad you won’t want to contact him again. But you need time away from his influence for a while in order to think and see things clearly.
        You can do this, just breath! get through one day at a time.
        It won’t kill you to not sleep for a night or two, if you find it is easier to sleep on the couch instead of the bed you slept in with him; sleep on the couch with the TV on so it isn’t totally quiet. If you can’t eat, snack on whatever you can get into yourself, usually not eating for a day or two won’t kill a person either. If you want to cry, cry!! sob!! get it out. I cried every day for a year. allow yourself to grieve and then put your makeup on and go for a walk in the fresh spring air and take deep breaths and if you start crying while you walk, big deal.
        Be kind to yourself, and that includes not letting anyone tell you how you should feel or what you need. Get in touch with your feelings, not what he tells you to feel, what YOU feel.
        Love and hugs
        Carrie

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        1. Hi Carrie: Thank you for this wonderful post. i will save it forever. So many times i am temped to pick up the phone and call him and tell him how much i love him.. i know that will only kill me.. please don’t get angry when i say that. i find the strength not to do this. have done it so many times and it just kills. Do you think if you do pick up the phone and again say what this person means to you and how much you love them this can help.. you want this to bring them back to you but i know he is not normal.. i find myself running out the door when i want to do this. does this feeling ever stop? how did it stop for you? if you do contact them and tell them you love them can this mean anything to them? I pray to God in the future this feeling goes and i am normal again. How hard and cold he is.. just doesn’t care. Thank you again. Mimi

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          1. Mimi, to call and tell them you still love them and what them back only feeds their ego. I did it, many victims do. It is human nature to want to be loved, liked even! and the narcissist rejects a person so totally and cruelly, blaming the victim for everything and not taking any responsibility for anything it is enough to drive a sane person crazy. You just want some sign that they ever loved you and you are lovable and not the horrible person they are saying you are. But you will never get it from them; not unless they think they want something from you again. If you start to get strong they usually will make a curtain call and tell you everything you have wanted to hear for years, so you take them back and they hurt you even worse than before. So beware.
            Keep running out the door when the feeling hits, or write your feelings down, write him a letter if you must get your feelings out and then not mail it for a day or two. I found that the feelings pass and in a day or two I was stronger and when I reread the letter I realized that I wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t said hundreds of times before and what made me think that this time it would make any difference. I would play a game with myself, I never said to myself that I would NEVER call him again, that was too painful so I would tell myself I won’t call for a day, and then I would make it 5 days and tell myself OK I’ll make it a week. Before I knew it a month had gone by. I was feeling better. I knew in my heart that if I called it was going to be a no-win situation for me. If he was receptive and loving I knew the next time he could be cruel and reject me. It was always the same, what is that saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.” I knew how he was going to act, I had been with him 10 years and it had never been any different. Even now, some times something happens and I have a fleeting thought that I should call him and tell him. Old habits die hard. I really don’t want to talk to him, I think he is a loser and a liar and I quite honestly am embarrassed I stayed with him as long as I did. I look at a picture of him and wonder what the hell was I thinking? it makes my stomach flip, he is such a sleaze ball. That isn’t even anger talking, it is disgust at the thought that I could love someone like that.
            But like I keep saying, I am 3 years out of it. At first it was day to day and some where along the way I didn’t think about it any more. I can’t tell you exactly when. I just remember sitting there with the phone in front of me wanting to call and realizing I didn’t want to hurt any more and it wasn’t worth the pain. the longer you go without contacting him the stronger the feeling gets that you don’t want to set yourself up to be hurt any more. You know he will say or do something to hurt you. You WERE a victim, you no longer are a victim unless you put yourself in the position to let him hurt you. You have to take control of your own destiny and happiness but that takes time, you have relied on him to define you and tell you if you are worthy, what to feel and when to feel it. It is hard to rely on yourself at first but once you start taking responsibility for your own feelings you won’t allow anyone to ever tell you what you should be feeling, again.
            You are doing well, just keep breathing and take it day by day. Don’t expect to instantly be pain free, it took years to get to this point you aren’t going to heal over night.

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            1. Carrie:
              Your right everytime you call you feel worst than when you started. But you believe in your heart that a Narcissist will always cheat on who ever they are with.. I quess thats’ whats so hard to accept Why did he always cheat on me.. why did he now at this stage in our life cheat with her a total skank. Will he stay with her? All questions that run through your mind over and over. Will he ever cheat on her like he did me? Alot of websites state they never change or love anyone. I kept thinking what if i did this.. maybe it would of not happened. Did you ever do this?
              Do you think they go on cheating and cheating no matter what age they are?? . What do you think? And i will do everything you mentioned in your last post. Take care Mimi

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              1. Mimi, you said yourself that most websites say they never change, I have told you he will not change but you refuse to accept that. I don’t know how to convince you that they are incapable of love, empathy or true caring of any kind. They are disabled, they do not love, can’t love, they go through their whole life using and abusing women. The past is the best indication of the future. But it isn’t just the cheating, they also treat the victim like total scrap on their shoe.
                Why don’t you write down all the reasons you love him, make a list of all the wonderful things he did for you, was him leaving for another woman the only bad thing he ever did? other than that he was a saint? That would shock me. If that is the facts then I would suspect he is not a narcissist and just going though a midlife crisis, because a nice guy does not all of a sudden turn into an asshole for no reason.
                You are focused on the cheating because that is what hurts your ego, but if you look at the whole relationship, there hasn’t been anything good about it for a very long time. No one can change that much over night, no one! no woman can bring that kind of change about in a man, it is ridiculous to think we had the power to make him an asshole and the other woman has the power to turn him into the perfect partner. You do have the power to control what YOU do and think about though. It takes practice, nothing comes easy when you are addicted to someone like a narcissist, but when you find yourself obsessing about him and the new woman, self counsel yourself. Have your rational mind talk over your irrational mind. Argue with your inner voice. Tell it the truth and stop listening to the lies it is telling you. its easier to just let it over take you but if you want to heal you have to fight it and only you can do that.
                He has been telling you for how many years you are to blame for him hurting you and now you believe it, do you really feel you are to blame for him hurting you?, do you really think you deserved the way he treated you? I don’t think so because if you did, you wouldn’t be this upset. You are upset because you tried your best and he still dumped you and blamed you. So defend yourself, to yourself, you right now are your worst enemy and until you stop listening to that voice telling you that you aren’t worthy of better treatment you will believe he has changed with the new woman. When you realize you are a good person and did nothing to deserve the way he treated you, then you will realize it doesn’t matter who he is with he is never going to change.

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                1. Hi Carrie:
                  Your right.. i did not make him into an asshole. he has been mistreating me for years both physically and mentally. The only thing i know is that is didn’t deserve this.. i do believe that. i am a good woman who really loved him, waited on him, took care of him.. gave him money. paid the bill when we went out. the list goes on and on. your right i’m just so hurt that he finally after all this left me for another woman. (i just have learned about Narcissism this summer). I didn’t know anything about this disorder. but i do believe truly he is a huge N. For years i thought he was not a good person, but i stayed.. now i feel so empty and alone.. i do believe your right about him suddenly changing and being a wonderful guy. just all the shit i have encountered and the lies from him just make it so hard to put everything into perspective. you can’t believe the endless nights i stayed up with him trying to sort all this out. i do thought it could be a mid-life crisis. but he has done this before. and flirts around looking for girls in bars, etc. i’m trying carrie thank you mimi

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                2. Hi again Carrie:
                  Wanted to ask you advice as to what you think of this type of behaviour. For the last several days i have been going home and i notice a fence of mine has been kinda fixed and straighten ( got kind of buried in all the snow we had). I know it is the N coming up to the house when i’m at work and fixing this for me.. Why.. after you dumped me and shit all over me Why would you care about this fence. Thought you where so happy with your ow… why take the time to even do this.. its just a way to destroy me some more.. i know it. i want to call him but i can’t. i know he will make me crazy and kill me inside again.. What are your insightful thoughts as to why an N does this? if you really had a normal life with this ow you left me for you would not even care about a fence of mine… Can you reply as to what you make of the behaviour??? Has this ever happened to you. Thank you again for your support. Mimi

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                3. Mimi, it is very typical of an N to do something nice for the person after treating them like shit. Did he not do that during the relationship also? rip a strip off of you and tell you he wants out or whatever and then a few hours later act like nothing happened and you wonder “Did I imagine earlier?” He is messing with your head. Of course he is not happy with the new woman, HE DOES NOT CARE about you, her or any other woman. You are still trying to make sense of a disordered person. A normal healthy person would not even be involved with another woman yet. You are very wise to not call him, I know it is hard but stay strong! It gets easier and any opportunity to hurt you he will jump on it. Have no doubt. I am not even going to speculate why he would fix your fence because there are so many possibilities and none of them would have your best interest at heart. For years the victim spends 90% of her time trying to figure out what the N meant by that, is he lying, is he being faithful, where is he, etc etc etc. It is a hard habit to break; you are still trying to figure him out and you don’t need to any more. He is not your problem any more; as long as you remain no contact. Give him an inch he will take a mile.
                  Congrats on not calling!!

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                4. Mimi,

                  He does not have a normal life with the OW, he did not have a normal life with you. He can not have whatever a “normal” life is with anyone. He is an N and he is disordered. There is you and her and probably others too. There is no good reason behind anything he does except that is how he is messing with someone at that moment. If you are thinking he is doing it to be nice and because he is not happy with the OW, think it over again. A normal man would not be playing 2 women at once like a teenager. He needs as much NS as he can get, positive or negative does not matter. It’s supply. I think you are wanting to get into his head and figure out how he is thinking. It is not possible for a normal person. Personally, I would take his intrudence into your life and property as an insult. How dare he come on your property uninvited. But just like an N he does not believe any rules apply to him. No boundaries. He does as he pleases. He is sick. It’s not a compliment, trust me.

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                5. Hi Ellie:
                  Thank you for your response; really appreciate it.. you are right on.. One thought that keeps bothering me over and over again, is when he first started all this ow stuff he said i caused it because i started a part-time job working a few hours a week and also a few hours on the weekend. Just a job to try to get into this organization i had been targeting for my career growth. he did not like that.. but he was never home any ways so i thought it was a good way for me to get out of the house and grow as an individual. he blames me over and over if i just didn’t take that job none of this would of happened.. but he was involved with this ow during the day (both don’t work) when i was working my day job.. Ellie they just get you crazy and quessing and thinking if only i didn’t take that job.. i don’t know i’ve gone over that over and over.. but he probably would taken up with her anyways.. he was determined. Please can you respond back to me your thoughts on his comments to me? It just makes it so much easier to understand when another person can put light on things for your. The N has a way to blame you for everything. Thank you again for your support. Mimi

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            2. One more last thought on this. He is a man that is sixty three years old, short, bald and not in the best of health. So since i’ve know him he loves the attention of any woman.. he just doesn’t care who it is.. he doesn’t if it hurts me just doesn’t care about anybody but himself. Everything is always about him, where your go, where you eat. Now he gets another chance to take up with this idiot and he goes for it, without a care in the world as to what it has done to me he loves the attention she is giving him.. if that isn’t a N i dont’ what is.. but i hope someday he gets to feel the pain that he has caused me.. my god i would never do what he has done to me to anyone. your right i don’t feel i should of gotten this treatment by him. but i accepted his bad behaviour for so long thinking he would change when he got in his sixties. but you know what he got worst. Carrie your so dead on accurate about these disordered people. Thank you for all your words, Mimi

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          2. Dear, I know this is old, and i am very new to this as a topic, I would like to gently suggest, though, that when you feel that urge, perhaps you should spend it on someone who deserves to hear it. A true friend of yours or a family member you love, or YOURSELF. Say it to a mirror! Take you out to dinner or for some other little treat. There is nothing wrong with your love, it is very precious, you’re just still wired into giving it to someone who doesn’t deserve it and cannot return it. I wish you happiness and peace.

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        2. Hi Carrie:
          I wanted to let you know your suggestion of putting tv on to help with the sleeping can work.. i’v been laying on the couch with tv on until i fall asleep.. before that i just could not get to sleep. Just wanted to say thank you for all your support.. i’m trying. hope all is well with you. you are an amazing woman. take care mimi

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          1. Mimi, I am glad my suggestion worked. I know it really helped me. I started to wonder why I even bothered having a bed but I go to bed every night now, mainly because I only have a love seat and my dog sleeps with me and it got too damn crowded haha I found that the absolutely worst thing to do was lay in bed getting upset because I wasn’t sleeping. To hell with it, go with the flow, I used to know every late night show there was on TV, but I also got a few hours sleep.
            You WILL get through this, every day is another day, and every time you breath is another minute the minutes lead to hours, those turn into days and days into weeks and before you know it; you are a survivor and you wouldn’t go back for anything because you never want to be that person again, and you never want to hurt like that again. And then you aren’t afraid any more because you realize you are strong and you like yourself and you never deserved to be treated like that. But for now you just have to get through the day and not worry about tomorrow.
            There is absolutely nothing amazing about me, no more amazing than the hundreds of other women who have survived abuse. For two years I didn’t think I could make it through one more day, I wasn’t strong, not in my mind. I felt so horribly weak and alone; now over 3 years later I look forward to everyday and I look back and wonder how I managed to survive and I still have bad days (not to do with my ex but just because everyone has bad days)
            You are making it day by day.
            Hugs
            Carrie

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  6. Mimi,

    You said he was not home anyways, so logically, what difference would it have made? It is just him placing blame, screwing with your head. They are NEVER at fault for anything EVER. Just remember this one statement and repeat it over and over” if their lips are moving they are lying, if their fingers are typing they are lying” . He will never tell the truth willingly because he simply doesn’t know any, he has no filter. No morals, no empathy. IT was all a lie. HE is a lie.

    I hope you get to feeling better soon.

    NC NC NC

    Ellie

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  7. Hi Carrie
    Your story was like reading my own. In October of 2013 I returned from an overseas trip seeing my oldest daughter in Japan. I found out the day after I arrived via text my 18 year old informed me that my husband of 13 years had rolled into our home at 4 AM. We moved to the South in 2009, just myself, my husband and my youngest from another marriage. It was rough at first being away from family however I adapted and made friends and kept myself busy. You see a year after this marriage in 2001, my husband had an affair with someone who was married. His work found out and he ended up quitting that job and moved on to another which was a blessing. We worked on our marriage and it seemed better. So when he transferred late 2008 down South I didnt even think about him cheating again. He was a different person when he moved, loving, romantic, texting, and emails so sweet. The man I met and married was back or so I thought. He works 7 days a week, he is married to his job. I knew that when I came here so thats why I kept myself busy. Then things started falling apart. My middle daughter got pregnant and lives in Ohio. My granddaughter was born with a brain cyst and it required me to travel back and forth a few times as she was in NICU. I traveled alone. My husband offered to buy me plane tickets but never offered to come along or even a hug. Thats not who he was and I knew that.
    Last year I thought we were doing fine as a couple. We didnt argue and each time he seemed stressed I would ask him what was wrong and it was always the same answer, my job. So I would try and listen as best I could but because I dont have a clue about building houses there wasnt much I could offer except an ear and a hug if need be. My youngest chose not to attend college but gained a fulltime job leaving he and I for the first time since our marriage alone. We started going to the movies on Fridays and out to eat. It was a nice change of pace for us. I was stressing over my granddaughter and not making much money at my job. I was pacing the floor at night stressing over things. THats the reason I didnt sleep with him in the bed. I never told him no for sex but it seemed when I initiated it he would turn me down. I thought something was wrong when we went shopping before I left for my trip and he was looking at clothes syles he never wore before including a watch. When I asked him he became defensive. In all the years we have lived here he has never made one friend outside of work. Its sad because he is the boss of the that location and to only hang out with your staff (he has 5 staff) is not good work ethics to begin with. So when he fired his assistant last summer and hired a friend of his sales lady I never batted an eyelash about it. She started July 2013. He talked to me about her and even mentioned when they went to NC on a business trip in August she had slept with his married builder. She too was married. He showed her to me on FB and said she was not that pretty. Reason I never thought about it. Until that trip in Japan. He never went out much if at all and never stayed out that late at night. My youngest was texting him most of the night worried he was dead on the side of the road. He never responded back to her. When I texted him and questioned him he told me she was going to keep track of his wherabouts the entire time, in his sarcastic way, and that he would not do that again. He told me he would text her the next time and let her know when he was going to be late. He told me some lame ass story about how that night October 5 he was out with the single builder and he had taken my husband back to the office (same distance from our home and not the first time they had been drinking and my husband was driven home by the same builder)so he could get his truck. Then proceeded to tell me he slept at the office for a few hours to sober up. Total lies. The very next day he tells me via text he is going golfing with a person who also works for the company and it was two hours away. This was a weekend and he NEVER took off even a few hours to go to the beach with me, now he was taking an entire weekend off when I was 6,000 miles away. He got mad when I questioned it. Until he decided to roll his lying ass home again at 10 AM the next day! My daughter was worried, now I knew he was lying and I texted his sales lady to ask where he was. Needless to say pissed him off because I was “lighting up everyones phone and it was BS.” Realty would have told him what was BS was his lying and thinking he was slick.
    HE stopped talking to me the rest of the time I was in Japan and I knew the day he picked me up at the airport something was wrong when I notice his wedding ring off. First time in 13 years. He waited until we got to the car and told me we were done. No sympathy, no remorse, no talking. In fact he tried to drown out my sobbing with the radio. He helped me pack and up my things and was all too willing to help me pay a deposit for a rental house and help. Parting with his money is not an easy task. It was only a few weeks later when I went back to our old house and he laid his phone down and went to shower. He had for the past several months hung onto that phone like gold. Now was my chance. On the phone I found a lot of texts from this girl he hired. Talking about when they met the night I was in Japan and how they wanted to be together. I was shaking. She is 15 years younger and married with a 3 year old son. They both knew each was married. I was pissed and hurt. I approached him and of course the weeks of denying he wasnt cheating he had no choice but to confess. I was heart broken. He was an avid health nut who worked out a lot and I too was working out with him. One of the things he told me when we split as to why he was not happy with me was I “had lost it.” Looks wise and body wise. I am a print model who yes I did gain about 15 lbs but lost it all when I was in Japan. I was depressed and had he talked to me he would have noticed but I always put his feelings and life first. He never once told me he was unhappy or tried to talk to me about anything and when I approached him he would always say it was his job. I never held him back from anything and I felt we had a decent relationship. He kissed and hugged me before I got on the plane to Japan and then screwed her the next night. Made no sense. The more I read about N’s the more I realize its him. He doesnt know how to love. He told me before Christmas he had feelings for this girl. Mind you she is still married yet I did contact her husband and told him what was going on. She still works for my husband. I saw her one day too and she has to weigh over 200 lbs. So why? I guess I will never know. My husband contacted me in February I was shocked. I had not talked to him in several months and was doing better. Go figure his married homewrecker chose her husband yet is still working for my husband. I dont get it. Not only that SHE is friends with them both on her FB. A few weeks after he and I talked he told me he was dating. So he cheats on me with his coworker in October and professes his feelings for her and not three months later is dating someone else? This man is crazy. Not to mention our divorce is not even final. We had a court hearing in April to finalize my alimony. I got a hefty chunk of change each month for 5 years, my maiden name back and 1/2 his 401K. I sent his mistress flowers the day of the hearing at their work. The note I included was nice I thought. It basically told her to make better choices the next time she decides to hit on a married man. She didnt think they were nice she showed them to my husband like a tattling 12 year old. I have never gotten an apology from either one of them. All my husband said at the court to me was he screwed up and would I promise to leave her out of all this. I told him he put her in this when he put his dick in her. He didnt like that too well but I have learned to be stronger. Some days are worse then others and I still cry. He has every opportunity to rush this divorce sooner if he would provide evidence of the cheating, he wont. He is protecting her for whatever reason. How her husband can allow her to remain working for my husband is beyond me. They were having sex in his office late at night and using his company work phone. His company found out and he lied and told them it was me sayng it and I made it up. I told him he truly screwed that up now those two can never be together at a work function! Its his mess to clean up not mine. His FB status is single and he is telling people he hasnt been happy a long time. IT would have been nice for him to tell his wife that instead of one of his married coworkers he chose to sleep with. I can bet he will call me again in the future because I was dumb enough to let him in my life for a little bit two months ago. Never again.

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    1. Shelly, sorry it took me so long to reply. My laptop was down and then I had such a backlog of comments to reply to. I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds very familiar. The best advice I can give you is to not look at his FB, block him on everything and go no contact. That way he can’t get in a weak moment and you don’t torture yourself with what he is doing. It is the one thing that will drive him crazy because he won’t be able to get to you but it is the best thing for you! and that is who you should be worried about now. Put yourself first for a change.
      As for “protecting” her, they all do that with the new woman. My ex was always saying he was so concerned what I would do to his new woman, like I had ever done anything ever. They just like to make you feel like you don’t matter and she does. it is all a show to make you feel bad and doubt yourself.
      Stay strong and angry.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  8. Wow! This is the explanation that has finally clicked with me! I have been researching on narcissists for a year and trying to understand how this man I shared my life and soul with for decades could have faked me out for so long. I have tried to figure out if he loved me ever and when it stopped.

    Carrie, you are a wonderful writer. I am sorry you have been through all this misery, but I am so thankful you have taken the time and effort to record your experiences and your wisdom. I am four years behind you in processing all this and healing. But you are leaving a well marked trail to follow as I stumble out of the dark decaying swamp that was my entire adult life and make my way toward that bright sunny clearing that I know by faith is somewhere up ahead.

    It helps to hear someone else cried every day for an entire year over a cruel piece of crap. It helps to realize he was just acting out movie scenes and believed I was doing the same. It helps to be reminded that my tears are more about my hurt pride and ego than they are about having lost some one that was valuable or added anything to my life that was good for me.

    I did ask him to fly with me. He did look at me with a loathing glare that is seared into my memory more clearly than possibly any other moment in my life. He did tell me I just didn’t understand about his continued “friendship” with the other woman. He did tell me the day before the movers came that it was all my fault, and that I just freaked out and ruined everything. To him it was all a game.

    When we were first married we used to play monopoly together pretty often. But after a while I quit playing with him because I could never win. Either the game would go on and on going nowhere because he had one of every property I needed to build a house and refused to trade for any cost, or when it became apparent to him that I was going to win, he would suddenly throw the board and all the pieces off the table and stomp off. It was a pretty clear picture of the only way my life with him was going to turn out. Either he would take everything I had, or he would spend his last ounce of energy obstructing me from getting anything I needed or had won.

    In the end he did hate me for loving him. He did hate me for hoping and believing he could fly, and he did take everything he thought I had on his way out the door. But there is one thing I am finding that remains and that is love. My love was real. I still have it, and I can pour it out on myself, and on my confused children whom he has manipulated and turned against me. And I can even choose to love him from afar, the way a diabetic might love chocolate cake, but never again, allow it onto her plate.

    My goodness I am tired of crying, tired of being afraid of the future, and just plain tired of being tired. Your stories fill me with hope. They assure me that there is a brighter future, and that a day is coming where he will no longer break into my thoughts or matter to my heart. Thank you for this clear peak into his mind. It really explains some things that needed explaining.

    Love and hugs to you!

    Tracy

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    1. Tracy I am glad this post happened to resonate with you! Your compliments are too kind but I am just happy you were helped. Love and Hugs back to you. I replied in more length on one of your other comments.

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  9. Just wanted to say this post and site have been of a great help to me. My story…. I was on vacation with my N and I noticed he was way too flirty with another vacationer. Two weeks after getting home, he dumps me, then a week later is officially a couple with her. I still feel horribly betrayed and confused, but the more I read, the more I see that it was all about supply. I was starting to have concerns anyway, as I couldn’t get over why he thought he was so special and why he felt the rules didn’t apply to him (sound familiar). Of course, his lack of commitment in the past wasn’t his doing, it was that he “never found anyone who loved him for him” like I supposedly did…. he had all the right lines and I fell for it. I have nothing but sympathy for the new girl, as there is nothing romantic about a guy dumping his gf to be with you. She will be me one day, dazed, sad and confused.

    Thank you again for such a great site. It has helped me heal.

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    1. Sarah, thanks for sharing a bit of your story and your kind words. i am so pleased I am able to help in some small way. you are so right, she will be you in short time; dazed and confused wondering what the hell happened.
      you will heal and go on to love again, he will never change and will always be an empty, shallow, soul sucking bottom feeder who gets his ego stroked by destroying beautiful strong women. He is the loser and the one who should be ashamed but of course they are so out of touch with reality they don’t even know they should be ashamed.
      Ship them all to a deserted island I say! They will die, no one to feed off of.
      Hugs

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  10. I agree totally this is a very good, informative site. It has helped me identify the traits of a narcissistic pig. I may still love the little bastard but you can bet your ass he will never touch me again! I have a extremely high self respect for my “Temple” (Body) and I now view him as a “HEALTH HAZZARD”. I know I was able to live grimey for 11years but now that there is someone else I almost want to thank her for finally breaking the chains off of my ankle. We do have a child which I told him, I will ensure she is always happy and safe. Any doubt and he will be a Dead Beat. He’s too afraid to get near the courts because he would end up paying more than he voluntarily gives up now. All I can say is GOD DONT SLEEP! & GOD DONT LIKE UGLY! and BTW he is ugly, I made him look good in my own mind by placing his face between my legs!! Lmao! Im a strong ass woman and like I said before GOD DONT LIKE UGLY! And My FRIEND KARMA IS A BEOTCH! One more saying is Japenese = “Bah’chi” basically means evil will come upon those who do evil to others. Bahchi his ass and Move on! He don’t deserve you! He got lucky! MF is not in your League!
    Thank you again Carrie – I say tell the truth an shame the Devil!

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    1. Wow. I don’t even know where to begin. Thank you, Carrie for creating this forum for us to voice our stories. Mine is very similar to many others with one caveat: my N KNOWS there is something very, very wrong with him. His mother is bi-polar and was diagnosed at 34, the same age he is now. For the almost 3 years I have known him he has always expressed his fear of “going crazy.” To make matters worse, he is also an alcoholic and cocaine addict. He was entirely sober for about 3 months and it was the best time in our relationship. I felt safe and secure, loved, actually happy. Because of work stress he began heavily drinking and doing drugs again. When we lived together he would often go on benders and not contact me for days at a time. I finally told him he had to leave, which he did. It was supposed to be temporary to get him back on his feet, but he broke up with me 2 weeks later after receiving devastating professional news. Every few months or so he would come home, sometimes drunk, sometimes sober, and ask me if he should go into therapy. I always encouraged this. (He also has major mommy and daddy issues as well. Like most Ns, they are wounded souls.) He describes himself as a “selfish asshole” and having an addictive personality. About 5 months into our relationship I began to question our attraction to one another, why we couldn’t stay away, why I always came back for more pain. I thought I was just a masochist and he a sociopath. But now I believe he has narcissistic personality disorder and I am an HSP/empath. My question is, is there the possibility that he CAN change? Obviously it’s going to take time and a lot of work. Does anyone have experience with an N truly changing, not just faking it? Thank you!

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      1. Melissa, I am hesitant to agree with you that he is a narcissist, we all have narcissistic traits to some degree but a true narcissist can not change and is that way with or without drugs and alcohol, their brains do not develop like a normal person’s brain and they are unable to feel guilt, empathy, love, and do not have a conscience. They fake emotions in order to suck in their victims and fit into society but it is all a façade. They will never admit they have a problem, (oh they might in order to get you back but will deny later).
        Many personality disorders masquerade as narcissism and many disordered people have several disorders combined. But someone with severe addiction issues can exhibit the traits of a narcissist and then when and if they get clean the traits disappear. I can not say that he will change if he gets clean and sober but there is a possibility and you might never have the chance to find out.
        The real question is this, not what label to put on him or yourself; but, do you want to continue to live like this? YOU can not make him quit using, staying with him is not being an empathy it is being a martyr. You can love someone and accept that they are toxic for your and you can not fix them.
        I was married to an alcoholic years ago and I finally left him because we had a son and I didn’t want my son growing up in that household. Long story and not really useful to go into it now. But suffice to say I left and within two years he had quit drinking. Would he have quit if I would have stayed with him? who knows. We did try to get back together but by that time too much water was under the bridge and it didn’t work, I had changed also in that time.
        There are many reason why you stay as with any victim of abuse, it is personal experiences, upbringing etc. many times a victim of abuse will exhibit traits of some personality disorder due to the trauma of the abuse. When you are living in total dysfunction, trying to make sense of it can drive a person crazy.
        A true N can not change, it is not a choice, he CAN NOT CHANGE. But most importantly we can not change anyone else, we can only change ourselves and unless you take care of yourself and set boundaries with your ex this will continue whether he gets sober or not because it is the way you two have learned to interact with each other. The only way it has any possibility of ever working between the two of you is for you to go your separate ways, stop feeding off of each other and each get your lives back on track. You can not do that as long as he is in your life, he won’t allow it and it is too easy to slip back into old ways.
        You have your own addiction, you are addicted to him, he has become your main focus, what is he doing, is he using, and saving him from himself, addicted to being the “only one who really understands and loves him” and he feeds off of that and uses it to his advantage. We teach people how to treat us by what we accept and the boundaries we let them cross. “telling” you will not accept certain behavior from him does no good if there is no follow through, one of the biggest problems victims of abuse have is their inability to set and defend boundaries. I suggest you find an Alnon support group, they would be better able to provide you with information and support, but I know they will say the same thing I am, you can not save him and you have to work on yourself first and deal with your issues with self esteem. A person can be an empathy and not sacrifice themselves in the name of love.
        Good luck and let us know how it is going, I do care! but I don’t want to mislead you and say he is a narcissist when there are severe addiction issues present.

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        1. Thanks, Carrie. I really appreciate your response. We are not together, we haven’t been for 4 months and then he started texting me again about 6 weeks saying all the right things. “I love you, I miss, I fucked up. I want to make this work” etc. I refused to see him until after an important work event for him and then I found out some of the lies he had spun and so that ended that. When I tried to confront him about it, I was met with silent treatment. From everything I’ve read he seemed like a true narcissist (selfish, self-centered, hypocritical, unbalanced relationship; I give, he takes, liar, cheater, manipulator, everything is on his terms, calling me irrational, giving me the silent treatment…) the list goes on. BUT I couldn’t shake the fact that I’ve witnessed empathy and compassion from him. Never toward me, unfortunately. He and I used to work together and one day he didn’t show up for work. We were secretly dating at the time so I called him. He was sobbing on the other end of the line because his best friend’s mother had suddenly died. He was inconsolable. I’ve had to get him water in the middle of a packed movie theatre because he was crying so hard at the film (Seven Years A Slave.) He is not an unfeeling robot. But he’s never been able to console or comfort me. It was almost as if I disgusted him. I have no doubt that this was a toxic and abusive relationship but at least I have some clarity now. I’ve only just begun my journey of researching what could have possibly caused all of this. But I know I can’t heal him, only he can do that. And you’re right, I’ve never once said I wasn’t complicit in fueling our addiction to each other. But I am so unhappy and lost and I cannot waste any more energy on him and need to focus on healing myself. It’s confusing and hard and lonely because I love him so incredibly much. But he’s on a downward spiral and I don’t see the end in sight. Thanks again.

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          1. Melissa, from what you have just told me it does sound like he could be a narcissist. I can remember thinking he was such a sensitive guy, almost too sensitive when I first met him. I walked in one day to him giving one of our fish CPR and tears running down his face, there would be times he would cry real tears and I would melt and forgive him (especially when we had split and he was trying to get me back) he would say all the right things, take responsibility for his own shit, promise counseling, anything to get me back and the minute he knew he had me again he would totally deny every saying it and go back to his old ways.
            he would be so compassionate with others but at home he was so cold and I felt he actually loathed me, he would look at me with absolute distain.
            I understand that you love him with everything you have I did James also. I had never loved so completely and unconditionally. After all, they give nothing in return so we have to love unconditionally don’t we?
            I have to be honest, I don’t know if I would have had the strength to walk away if he hadn’t found someone else and discarded me in the end. Even though I had physically left the house and relationship, we had split so many times in the past and always got back together, it had become “just the way we were” I don’t really believe we would ever not be together. he even said to me, “I don’t know why you get so upset, we always end up back together.” I thought we had this deep love that neither one of us could deny.
            please keep reading, there is so much information here on how they control the victim’s mind,
            https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/03/26/brainwashing-part-1/
            https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/03/26/brainwashing-part-2/
            https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/03/28/brainwashing-part-3-recovery/
            https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/04/01/brainwashing-part-4-how-to-avoid-it/
            https://ladywithatruck.com/2015/08/08/put-a-spell-on-you/
            https://ladywithatruck.com/2015/01/13/personal-growth-and-resilience-according-to-scott/

            There are a few post on brainwashing and why we feel the way we do, it’s not that we don’t love them but there is more at work here than you may realize, a lot more covert and sinister than you know; if he is a narcissist.

            Once a person realizes they have been involved with a narcissist it is a relief in many ways because you have some answers but then you have to accept that the whole relationship was a sham, he was a façade, and that opens up a whole new area of hurt and acceptance.

            It is a long journey but very worth it, but very hard to accept in the beginning.
            Hugs

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        2. Hi Carrie, i don’t know if you would recall my name it is Mimi. Well, i just had to write… he came back after a long absence again and he did the same thing in a matter of weeks.. i’ve been fighting with the ow. he promised me she was gone, he loved me, wanted to die with me, etc.. then turned it all around and dumped me again. he never broke it off with her. he says he going through a mid life crisis again. the lies you just can’t believe someone can sit across from you day after day and just lie and betray. all the time they where still doing the same thing.. god it leaves you paralized. i am right back where i started. sick, anxious, and unhappy. Does it ever Stop! Thank You Mimi.

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          1. Mimi, Welcome back! yes I remember you! I am glad you felt comfortable to come back and look for support.
            Does it ever stop? only when you make it stop.
            They will never stop, they may disappear for a period of time, maybe even a few years but they always come back just to see if they can, when they are bored or another relationship falls apart. As long as you take them back they will continue to come back, nothing will ever change, they will do all the same shitty things they did in the past and probably worse but they will not go away on their own. You have to go no contact, it is the only way to end the pain and the endless merry-go-round ride from hell that you are on.
            W are here for support when you have had enough and want to finally be happy and stop hurting
            Hugs

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  11. I am in a relationship (3 years now), with a man that was married to (at a young age, married due to getting her pregnant) a narcissist :-/ It has been quite the ride with his ex wife, as she uses the court system to harass him since he has majority custody of their daughter, trash talks him, asks her kid to lie for her, etc as you well know. I feel like sometimes he has taken on some of her traits in our relationship, and some background – I have never been in a relationship w/a man that’s been divorced or has a kid let alone a psychotic ex wife who is extremely toxic. YOu think she’s being nice, then BAM she concocts some BS story to try and get people to feel sorry for her, especially her daughter. Is it possible he has taken on some traits of his abuser? I also feel like he has a sort of ‘Stockholm syndrome’ – he keeps letting her in a bit (most recent, is accepting her damn friend req on FB…smh), like he forgets all the awful things she’s done to him (slander, cop calling, cussing at him in front of their daughter to name a few) and he let’s her back in. He is also pretty paralyzed on if he wants to move forward w/our relationship b/c he’s scared of going through the same thing….but I’ve been by his side and there for him throughout all the drama and court, I am NOTHING like his ex. I am currently staying at my mom’s (we moved in together kind of quickly, by month 7) as I am unsure of what I should do. He is a good man, but he does get defensive and or I feel like I can’t be totally open with him as he tends to turn things around on me, essentially gaslighting me from time to time. I have started a journal for us to communicate to each other in, it seems to be working well since we have a problem communicating verbally right now w/out a fight breaking out. He has never been physical with me, but sometimes I feel like I don’t really know up from down. Any advice on being w/someone who was in a relationship w/a narcissist for 10+ years would be greatly appreciated. I don’t know if I can keep doing this, it hurts because I do love him and see that he’s hurting himself (from being cheated on, emotionally abused and a bad childhood) and I know I can’t fix him, he has to want to help himself. I don’t know, sorry now I’m rambling…..help!

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    1. Mary, welcome to the site; have no worries about “rambling”. I hate to break it to you Mary but narcissism is not contagious and a normal person would not become narcissistic by association. A normal person’s mind simply does not function like a narcissist’s mind. I couldn’t gas light someone if I wanted to, twisting facts, blaming, defensive are all traits of a narcissist.
      Do you know him from prior to dating him, know anyone who knew him before you met him? Are you sure his wife doesn’t have just cause to call him names and drag him into court? Do you know anyone who knows her?
      Just from the bit you mentioned in your comment I strongly suspect he is the narcissist and he has been lying to you. Do you catch him in tiny lies and wonder why he would bother lying? In the beginning did he fall in love really quickly and tell you that you were so different from all his past women? they were all psycho bitches but you were perfect? rushed to live together but then the switch went off and he acted like he couldn’t stand you one minute and then act like nothing happened the next? You have been chalking it up to his childhood, his ex, stress, but there is always an excuse but never any change for the better. You just want the man you met to come back, but whereas you used to be able to talk about anything and everything for hours, now you can’t say the most innocent thing and he takes offense and before you know what happened you are in a huge fight and he is threatening to break up because he can’t take you causing drama, he hates drama.
      Sound familiar?
      I can’t say for sure of course because I don’t know you but please keep educating yourself on narcissists. We are here if you need moral support or to answer questions.
      You are not crazy nor are you alone.
      Hugs
      CArrie

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  12. Hello,
    I just have to say thank you!! I stumbled upon your blog today and it is like you were writing about my life for the past 6 yrs!!! I am in the midst of divorce now and its been one of the hardest things I think I have ever done. His biggest thing is ..I love you so much but you will never change!!! …Ugggg thankfully I am figuring this all out! It hurts like hell but all kinds of lights going off!! Thanks Patty

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