I Am Back – Or At Least I Hope So

I have missed this place so much the past few weeks, I have read comments but not having a laptop made it far too frustrating to reply most of the time and posts on my phone were an exercise in futility.

I am very lucky that Colin, the mechanic where I used to work fixed his mother’s old laptop and gave it to me, fingers crossed so far so good.

Nothing much has changed on my end. I am working for my brother but things didn’t come together as quickly as any of us had thought so money has been really tight, I have only made enough to keep myself fed and not to pay any bills. I haven’t been able to sell anything on Etsy because I didn’t have a laptop; you know that vicious circle thing that happens. I have managed to sell some pieces privately which helps.

I have been extremely proud of my boy lately. My brother took on a big project with a very tight budget and deadline and then his workers just weren’t producing and the project was looking like a major fail. My brother arrived at the job site one morning and there were no workers that at all. I called my son in Regina Sask and he talked to his boss and two days later he was on a plane with his best worker to help my brother. My brother was so relieved he sent me a  text message saying, “Kris just called and he might be able to come out, Fuck, That would be a God send!” It does my heart good to see my boy so highly thought of and it does my heart good to have my brother trying to help me, me helping him and my son trying to help him. It feels like what a family is supposed to feel and our family hasn’t always been that way.

In my family no one appreciated Kris for the kid he was and I wasn’t accepted for who I was either and some where along the line the playing field leveled out and it feels good.

I still miss my puppies more than I can express, I had a dream two nights ago that I saw them; Kato and Laila playing. Laila jumping all over Kato like she used to and Kato tolerating her but they were jumping off a bridge into a river below. I couldn’t believe my eyes because for one thing Laila was afraid of water and wouldn’t even walk through a puddle and Kato was a chicken by nature and even though he loved water he would have never jumped from anything; but there they were frolicking in the water. Jumping off the bridge landing in the river and then running up the bank to do it again. When they saw me they were so excited and I was crying, I was thinking, “It was some bad dream, they aren’t dead, their right here and we rolled around on the ground Laila was so happy to see me and Kato stood back like he always did waiting for his hugs and all three of us hugged and laughed and then they ran off and jumped off the bridge again. I ran down the bank to see them at the bottom but they were gone. I looked every where, ran back up the bank and they weren’t there. I asked around if anyone knew where they went and then I realized they had never really been there, they weren’t alive. Kato hadn’t been limping and was acting like a puppy and Laila was around other dogs and not fighting and wasn’t afraid of the water. I realized then that they had come back to say good bye and to show me they were happy and I started to cry and woke up crying,.

Then I went back to sleep and dreamed it again only this time JC was in my dream, and I was looking for him and found him with another woman and then I saw my son and just as I walked towards him he disappeared.

I woke up sobbing, it was horrible. I was telling my mom and she said that the other night she dreamed about my dad after 18 years, I guess they are always lurking in our subconscious.

Well I must get ready and head off to work, just wanted to say hello to everyone and wish you all a great “hump day”

hugs

Carrie

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7 Replies to “I Am Back – Or At Least I Hope So”

  1. Glad you are back Carrie but COLIN? Really? He gave you a laptop?? WOW Remember what they say about N’s. They don’t ever do anything w/o strings. Does that mean the POF g/f is gone? Please be careful.

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    1. I’m glad you said something Ellie! My first thought was this Colin that she talked about.

      Carrie, be careful! Nothing wrong in asking for help or accepting help when needed just watch the source in this case! Cut ties the first time he tries to draw you back in, remain in control!

      Take care of you!

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    2. Ellie, didn’t you hear? LOL Miss POF arrived at his place unannounced one day and walked in and he had a woman there. She lost it!!!! she attacked the woman and him, he left because he didn’t want to get into a physical fight with her and while he was gone she trashed his place, ripped the curtains down, he was tiling his bathroom and she broke all the tiles that were in the boxes by throwing them on the tiles he had already laid so they broke also. She went in the fridge and got some of her coolers out, shook them, then stomped on them so they sprayed every where and then dumped a bag of flour all over the sticky mess.
      When he got home she was passed out on his bed so he called the cops and they took her out of there. Then for the next 3 months she called him 40 times a day begging him to come back to her, THIS time the woman really WAS a psycho bitch. He flagged me down to tell me and I laughed, I told him, “Karma’s a bitch, you deserved it, and so did she, what did she think was going to happen? She sat there all smug when it was me walking in, didn’t she think she it would happen to her?” I said to him, ” My “display wasn’t so bad in retrospect was it?”

      I don’t see a lot of him, and the one time he called me “babe” I called him a player and now he doesn’t try anything with me. I told him, “you had your chance and you blew it”. and I mean it. but i was never that hung up on him, it was more an ego thing I think. but seeing him get his karma back certainly helped to cheer me up. LOL

      To be fair to him though he has helped me out quite a few times and never expected anything for it, I help him out also, but absolutely NO romance.

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  2. Hi Carrie~ I haven’t commented much lately, but I do read the posts often. Colin ! what is really going on??? He is the NARC you caught with the OW. I thought you were done with him??? No Contact is what you preach for ALL of Us. Are you slipping back into the muck and mire? I hope not. Remember the idealization stage!!! RUN RUN RUN I am sure you could really use a laptop, but at what cost. It feels sooo good when they (N) do nice things for you. We all know that. Are you fighting loneliness??? Please post here more often, as WE worry about you too !!!

    Your friend with prayers~ Cindy

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    1. I figured I would get a reaction if I put Colin’s name in the post, lol I am just fine and I still say “no contact” but really I am not the least bit interested in him so it makes it really easy. When I found with the woman at his place it was more my ego that was hurt and not my heart. I got over him insultingly fast, I had never been that into him, it was because he came on so strong and it was the first guy I dated after JC but for one thing, with JC I acted totally out of character for me. Ordinarily I find it much easier to walk away and not be that affected; I really don’t know what happened with JC, a vulnerable time in my time?

      I would never attempt to do this with JC, I know it would be a disaster for me and I would never recommend that someone pretend to not care about the narcissist in their life in order to keep him. I tried that with JC, to act disinterested and not accommodate him in any way and it didn’t work because I cared too much and as soon as he was sweet to me I would fall in love all over again and start putting effort into the relationship. It can never work long term in a romantic type relationship because a normal relationship grows and two people get more attached but with a narcissist as soon as you get attached he pulls away.

      But because I don’t care I am safe. It has reinforced to me that I AM in control of my emotions and I am not as vulnerable as I thought I was. There are so many narcissists in the world we have to deal with them at some level all the time and I am not sure he is a narcissist and I am certain he isn’t a psychopath. He doesn’t lie like JC and doesn’t try to exploit me, but he doesn’t have to because I don’t care, he gets nothing from me. He blew it and he knows it, I have no interest in going there with him again and I don’t fight calling him or worry what he is doing or who he is doing it with. I have gone over there when he has a woman there, it really doesn’t bother me in the least.

      So you all can stop fretting, I am perfectly ok. But like I said I would not recommend anyone try to do this with someone they care about because it would be emotional suicide.

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  3. ((((Carrie))))))
    I don’t know what is up with the dude…but I feel for you dreaming about your babies…I have 3 min_pins one 14 one 12 one six….2 are blind and insulin dependent diabetics 2 shots a day people tell me I am.crazy for not putting them down..but they are happy walk up and down steps have little ramps to get on and off the beds and my vet says they are not in pain…So from one dog mommy to another..I know how hard it is to loose part of your family…And I firmly believe all dogs go to heaven…but I also believe if there are aliens on other planets studying us here on earth..I am quite certain they believe pets rule the world…not people….We supply them with food wster go to work to buy them whatever they need…wash them…scoop up their poop…I mean really…Hell maybe they do rule the world 😉

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