Winter Wonderland

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You know its snowed in the middle of the night when you wake up and its very quiet outside. The snow muffles all the sounds.

They were saying it was going to really dump last night but I got home around midnight and nothing was falling yet. But there sure was a lot of the fluffy white stuff this morning.

I love snow; not -45 with the wind chill kind of snow but this kind of snow. The kind of snow that gives you a plausible reason to curl up on the couch for the day by the fireplace (even if its just an electric one). I like taking walks in this kind of snow, hearing the crunch as people walk by. Its supposed to be gone by Sunday but I’m enjoying it while I can.

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Looking up the weeping willow

Since I started painting I look at everything differently. Now when it snows I take note of how the trees look laden with snow, how the branches bend under the weight: even what the road looks like after the plow has been through.

You notice so much more once you have tried to paint a snow scene and all you end up with is a piece of white paper. Snow is white, our eyes see white and until you try to duplicate what you see unto a canvas you don’t realize how many different shades of white there are. I was quite happy for years, decades, thinking snow was white, until I tried to paint.

Once you learn there are shades of blue, grey, crisp white and soft white you never view it the same. Its the same with flowers or trees, to get depth you need shades of colour. To be real it must have shades of colour.

A narcissist is like that. They appear to be like everyone else. They appear to have emotions and seem to care and love but there is no depth to them. They aren’t real, or the image they project is not real. When they are in a relationship and the depth of their personality is tested it becomes apparent they have no depth of character. They are one colour, no shading, a blob of colour on a piece of paper.

Once you get to know them and realize they are a sham; even if you stay you can never view them the same. After you have been with a narcissist you can never view people the same. You get accustomed to looking for sharing, depth of character and can readily pick out the people who are a facade and those who are real.

It amazes me now how I got so sucked in by JC but I had never had to deal with a narcissist before. I had gone decades quite happily assuming all people were basically alike. We tend to think other people think like us, have feelings like us, that they hurt, love, feel guilt, remorse and if they get angry they have a good reason. So we don’t challenge what we see, we are happy in our ignorance.

But our innocence was taken away by the narcissist and now we have to face the facts and it can be an ugly truth, or it can be a rebirth and something positive. It took me a long time and I can’t honestly say I never think of JC and feel regret, or wish he had been different but I don’t allow myself to dwell on it. I have come away from it all with a greater appreciation for the good people in the world.

It is hard to describe, but once you have been away from the narcissist’s influence long enough you develop an appreciation for the beauty around and in you. I have never been more content with who I am than since the narcissist. He almost broke me, I don’t think I could have gotten much lower than I was, I can’t imagine it. I still have the same flaws in my character that I always had but I don’t stifle myself any more, I don’t second guess myself or doubt myself any more.

One thing that being with JC made me do was to look deep within, I took his criticism to heart and I forced myself to look at myself and my motives.

This is what I came up with; my motives are pure, they were when I was with him, I loved him, I am a good person and I never purposely set out to hurt anyone in my life. I may say something silly sometimes, I may ramble on at times, I speak my truth always and some people don’t like that kind of honesty.

For example while working with my son there were times I know I embarrassed him with my openness about living in poverty. He even said one night in front of everyone “Why do you have to bring up the past, I am trying to put my past behind me.” I wasn’t talking about him per say but to some degree my past is his past and I respect that. But he hadn’t been in on the conversation I was having either and just walked up at the point where I was sharing something from the past. It really wasn’t the topic of conversation. I walked away and went to my room. I was upset at first but then realized he didn’t know what we were talking about and he has a right to be upset but I have a right to speak about my life also. A couple of days later we were walking along and I said something about some times shocking people with my bluntness and he stopped and put his arm around my shoulder and said, “You have earned the right to say anything you damn well please.” and he is right I have, as long as I do it responsibly.

I am not a blob of colour or a sheet of white paper and neither are you, we have depth and shading, and character and we are all very special. Not everyone is going to love us but that’s ok as long as we live in honesty we don’t need everyone to love us. I don’t care what JC thinks of me any more because I know who I am and it feels great.

span class=”post_sig”>There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

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6 Replies to “Winter Wonderland”

  1. Great post. A couple of things you said really resonate with me:
    “When they are in a relationship and the depth of their personality is tested it becomes apparent they have no depth of character.” And
    “It amazes me now how I got so sucked in . . . but I had never had to deal with a narcissist before. I had gone decades quite happily assuming all people were basically alike. We tend to think other people think like us, have feelings like us, that they hurt, love, feel guilt, remorse and if they get angry they have a good reason. So we don’t challenge what we see, we are happy in our ignorance.”

    Now that the fog of my 16 year relationship with my Narcissist is beginning to clear (5 months after discovering the cheating and kicking him out of our home), I am beginning to finally see clearly that yes, (1) his narcissism meant he lacked the character he would have needed to be in a relationship with me – I am a good and honest person! This knowledge is helping me get over the feelings of betrayal and I am no longer asking “how could he do that to me?” He wasn’t capable of doing anything else! And

    (2) Yes, like you, I blindly went through my life assuming all people were just like me – trusting, honest and willing to take responsibility for their actions. He wasn’t, he isn’t and is not capable of those qualities. Acceptance of this is helping me heal and recover. The next phase will surely include learning the ability to set boundaries for myself in the future and not be taken in by another narcissist. Thanks!!

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    1. Margaret, boundaries, yes, the thing we all struggle with but it does get easier. I find that I am getting better setting boundaries but it doesn’t come naturally; I don’t rush myself to make decisions and will take a day or two to think about whatever it is that I have to set a boundary over, I find that my first reaction is to allow someone to over step my boundaries and then I used to feel guilty if I reneged on it but I am getting better at saying I renege or I don’t feel comfortable with my decision. I am getting much much better at saying no without apologizing for it or feeling like I have to give a long explanation as to why. It definitely gets easier, try with small stuff that doesn’t really matter too much, and work your way up. If I have trouble setting and keeping a boundary I only have to think about the consequences of not protecting my boundaries and that is enough motivation to feel a little uncomfortable for a few minutes. In the long run protecting your boundaries feels so damn good you want to keep doing it.
      I think too it is important to protect the small boundaries because once you let someone cross even a small one you have opened the door for bigger ones to be ignored. I have found that once I allow a person to over step even a small boundary they immediately push your other boundaries and you once you allow one boundary to be compromised its seems harder to protect the others. its like its all or nothing, for me any way.
      I never even thought about boundaries before I met JC, no one ever talked about boundaries when I was growing up, but I can see now that I was never taught how to set healthy boundaries when I was growing up. But this is one old dog that is learning a new trick!! I am not afraid of people not liking me any more, at least I can respect myself. I have been called every name in the book and worse, once you have dealt with the devil ordinary people aren’t so intimidating.

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  2. Before I forget, Carrie, I wish you all the best for the coming new year. You will have an incredible year. I see opportunity, and a new love in your life. Psychic Lou.

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    1. Well that’s nice to know Lou, any idea where I am going to meet this new love? He will have to drop from the sky, but if you say so, who am I to question the great Psychic Lou. lol I will be happy if in 2014 I can maintain the status quo. But thank you so much for your well wishes, you have been so supportive and encouraging through my trials. All the best to you in the New Year also, and wishing you a safe and merry Christmas.

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