What Others Have To Say About Narcissists

Lou, from “Tales from the Lou” sent me this video. I hadn’t seen it before and I want to pass it along, it is worth taking the time to watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18KsF-nNfwU

I especially liked the guy in the black hat, at first I wasn’t too sure of him, he looked rather dark and sinister but he is very well spoken, as he should be; he teaches communication.

Get back to me and tell me how you feel about it. Even after all this time, when I see a video like this or read a certain article it is almost like an epiphany hits me. I know what he is, I knew it long before I left him, I write about it almost daily, I KNOW without a doubt they exist and how evil they are, but to hear it spoken out loud, causes a reaction in me that I can’t quite describe.  It is like I am validated again, I didn’t imagine it or him, it was real, he was real, and I am very lucky to have gotten away.

 

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5 Replies to “What Others Have To Say About Narcissists”

  1. Argh! I can’t get that to open on my IPAD. My computer…mysteriously stopped working. That brings me to my dilemna. I am with a giant N! I have left many times. I thought I read somewhere that it takes an average of 5 to 7 times for a woman to leave her abuser. What gives!? I have left, at the very least, 12 times. I also hear that some women have an “Ah Ha” moment and that finally forces them to leave…for good.
    Looking for advice.

    Thanks in advance!

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    1. Ann, you asked the million dollar question! I think we all ask ourselves that, I still can’t totally figure it out but I do have some ideas. I believe it is a combination of many things that keep us tangled in their web. For one thing once they get you isolated, which they do very subtly starting from the very first meeting when they are still love bombing you; you doubt your own gut reactions.

      In the beginning they are so into you, love you so much and you are perfect in their eyes, you have never been so totally accepted and appreciated for everything that you are you know this has to be your soul mate. Even if he does something that triggers a gut reaction to run we push it aside and tell ourselves that he is just having a bad day, or we can live with that tiny flaw because he is so accepting of us, besides we want to remain perfect in his eyes. We don’t want to push away someone who loves us that much and accepts us so completely. Plus we have always been independent and self sufficient so we have a false sense of security in the beginning, we feel we can always walk away and will if it ever gets abusive. What we are not realizing, because we don’t operate the way they do and don’t suspect any one would do the things they do we are not on guard for the signs that he is subtly whittling away at our self esteem and destroying our support systems.
      By the time something major comes along like infidelity, or severe jealousy we are already in too deep to just walk away, or so we think. Little do we know the abuse that is yet to come. The longer a person is with a narcissist the more control the narcissist attains over them. It is like brain washing, it IS brainwashing, it is the same techniques used on prisoners of war, hostages etc. The uncertainty, your tormentor is also the one you look to for love, understanding and acceptance which he gives intermittently, always keeping you off balance. \In the morning raging at you and then in the evening acting like nothing ever happened. You start to doubt your own perception of events, maybe it wasn’t as bad as you thought. All of sudden you don’t have friends any more and the ones you do have don’t understand what you are going through, just leave. he has been feeding you negativity about the people closest to you so you doubt their loyalty to you and their are critical of you because you have become someone they don’t recognize.

      We all grew up watching love movies where the two main characters are star crossed lovers who misinterpret the actions of the other, there is miscommunication, misunderstandings, one needing space and is fighting the relationship etc but in the end they sort through it all and come together in a passionate heart wrenching last minute epiphany and declare their undying love for each other. I think most of us are waiting for our happy ending, for him to have an epiphany and whisk us off into the sunset.

      I had been away from JC and no contact for several months, didn’t even have his phone number and was doing very well on my own when he called out of the blue and said he had been given 6 months to live and he was so sorry for all he put me through yada yada yada. I told myself he was lying, but there was that little part of me that wanted the happy ending. I thought I had my shit together enough that if he was lying I could just walk away. I knew what I was getting into and thought because I knew him so well I could anticipate trouble before it happened and protect myself. hahaha ………. there is no such thing as anticipating what a narcissist is going to do or how evil they can be. I had a dialogue going on in my head constantly. I would feel he was lying, but I would tell myself, who lies about dying?? that’s just bad karma, plus I wanted that damn happy ending.
      The minute we walk away or they feel we truly mean it when we say we are done, they throw on the charm again and profess their love and say everything we wanted to hear for so long and we fall right back into it because we haven’t been away long enough to not fall right back into what we know, we think we are strong but before we know it the relationship is just as bad or worse than it was before. Every time we leave and go back we lose creditability with friends and family and lose more of our support system so in fact the more we go back the harder it is to leave. It doesn’t get any easier. and the whole time he is whittling away at our self esteem and confidence making it even harder.
      When you think about it, it is a miracle any one escapes them. I was the one to physically leave the premises but I was not the one to end the relationship, I doubt I ever would have ended it. By the time he discarded me I was a shell of the person I had once been, so I can’t tell you how to leave.
      I just know that if you don’t leave, he will use you up until there is nothing left, and when you have no self respect, no friends or family, no money, nothing….and are basically a zombie because you have had to shut down your emotions and feelings, in survive mode he will say he has had enough of it and have some other woman lined up and take great pleasure in rubbing your nose in the fact that she is so much better than you and he has met the love of his life.

      I truly thought, no matter what I read or what he did; that he really loved me. I was devastated when he ended it for good and I found out he had been leading 3 of us on.

      I know this with all certainty, you must leave and have no contact with them at all, it is the only way to heal and have the strength to stay away. Even if you have to have a friend come and stay with you to keep you from the phone and the computer, you have to not read his facebook, his emails, or answer he texts or phone calls. There is no other way.
      Good luck
      hugs
      Carrie
      Hugs
      Carrie

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      1. Hi Carrie,
        Funny…I have been receiving your blogs via email, for many months. I know they are there but don’t read them. It’s denial. I know that. Reading your response was like reading my life with him. How is it possible. I don’t know you…you don’t know me…we live in different parts of the country/world. And yet, you have written about my experience. Can’t say it was easy to read…but I asked for the advice and I thank you so very much for the reality check.
        I am terrorized daily by what he thinks is my weaknesses. Problem is..he is my weakness. He is what I feel ashamed about.
        Thank you again, Carrie

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        1. Ann, I understand you saying he is your weakness, they make sure they are, they pull you close to push you away, love you then reject you until you will do almost anything for their approval and love. It is human nature, women and men have used the same principles for years when they play hard to get.
          As human beings we always strive for what we can’t have, we want to be like, we need to be loved and we need to love. I wasn’t with JC because he loved me, well at first yes, I was with him because how could I walk away from someone who loved me so completely, I truly felt he loved me more than I loved him and that I had to be careful to not take him for granted or take advantage of how good natured he was. hahaha I can’t even say that with a straight face any more. But after the first year it suddenly shifted to where I loved him more, I was in love with loving him. I didn’t stay for 10 years because he loved me so much or treated me so good, because as time went on he was less and less loving. Yes I missed the times when he had been loving but they got further apart until he wasn’t loving to me at all. I still didn’t leave; why? because I loved loving him. and for a long time after we split I didn’t miss his love, because he hadn’t shown me any or even said it in a long time, we rarely made love any more (something I had never thought would happen because he had always wanted to have sex even if we were fighting) but like they say, they eventually lose interest in sex and damned if it didn’t come true. Even when he got with his new woman, I didn’t believe he had changed because I found him at a woman’s house and the next day he moved in with the one he is with now, he was playing her just like he had played me. I found myself being jealous and indignant that he wasn’t lying to me, she had the false hope and I had no hope. pitiful but true. Like the song says, “I love the way you lie”. He had become such a huge part of my life, every waking moment was taken up with thoughts of him, what was he up to, was he lying, who was he seeing, when he wasn’t in my life any more I was lost, I was obsessed about figuring out what he was up to. That seems to be a very common trait amongst victim of Ns. Its like playing a real live game of cat and mouse, we get hooked on the trying to out smart him, beat him to the punch, figure out his lies and show him we aren’t that stupid, we are on to him. It all becomes very sick and twisted and very hard to break away from. Once you do, then it becomes so clear how crazy your life was but when you are in the middle of it, abnormal becomes normal and the bond becomes even deeper.
          If you ever do decide to leave, please be cautious because it is when the relationship is ending that most domestic homicides occur and that is when JC got the most scary. No matter what, just in case, are you hiding money, keeping a journal of events, have an escape plan if he gets violent and you are in danger? It never hurts to be prepared, so that when you are ready mentally you are prepared financially etc.
          You are welcome Ann
          I wish I had something more positive to tell you. The best I can do is tell you, you do survive and I have not heard of one woman who has ever regretted leaving after a year or two they just wonder why they didn’t do it sooner.
          Hugs\
          Carrie

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