It’s Christmas morning and I am all alone, listening to Christmas carols, drinking a French Vanilla coffee, having a smoke (bad,bad maybe in the New year I will quit) and looking at the news knowing that there are people who come to this blog who are without power, unable to travel and being beaten by storms. I pray for everyone battling storms this Christmas Day. I pray for everyone battling an emotional storm today.
One person has been on my mind for days and it is Fee, my prayers go out to her because I know she is having an emotional storm right now.
The one thing about storms, they all eventually pass, but often times they leave destruction behind and people have to face the ugly task of rebuilding and no matter how devastating the storm was life goes on. A person can be immobilized with grief and yet the world around them goes on and we have too also.
Too many victims of a narcissist stayed too long, didn’t heed the warnings of the up coming storm, thinking they were strong enough to weather the storm or that they had nothing to lose and found out differently. But even those of us who thought their love could concure anything, even a narcissist, have to carry on with whatever we are left with and for those of you dealing with that battle today the only hope I can give you is that this too shall pass. The sun will come out again, it always does, if you are patient and take the time to look towards the sun.
We are heading into a new year and although I feel healed from the pain of JC I still suffer the consequences of thinking my love was special and enough to change him. I don’t remember how many times I told him, and truly believed; that he would never find a woman who would love him as much as I did. I now realize that many women loved him the way I did, and many more will. I can remember feeling sorry for him because I left him and how he would realize some day what he had lost, be sad and filled with regret. hahaha How egotistical of me, I am almost embarrassed to admit now that I felt so superior to other women, that he would treat other women like dirt but my special love would earn me preferential treatment. Sure all narcissists screw around on their partner, but not JC, he was the exception to the rule. Where a narcissist is concerned there are no exceptions to the rule; everyone is treated with equal distain and if you aren’t you just haven’t been with him long enough.
Am I happy? is this where I thought I would be at 55 with a 30 year old son? Hell NO! I had envisioned by this time in my life I would have been married to the love of my life for many years, my son would be coming for Christmas dinner with children in tow. I would have the turkey in the oven by now and the house would be decorated, and I’d be frantically getting things ready for the big family dinner. But I am not sad about the way things are, I feel very blessed.
My son and I talked two days ago, he is going to work today, he has many friends in Regina and is invited for dinner to several homes but like he said, Christmas morning is for family. His room mate is gone for Christmas so he will be alone this morning opening his gifts from me. He told me he is going to work because everyone else has someplace to be but they have work piled up and he can use the money, why sit at home alone. That may sound sad and at first it made me sad to hear it but like he said, we had the opportunity to spend a week working together, and a few days just before Thanksgiving, it is after all just another day and like every other day it only has 24 hours and when that 24 hours is up the new day begins. He thanked me for his birthday letter and I told him I meant every word, he tells me he loves me every single time we talk. He cherishes me and the rest of his family, he wishes things were different and he could see his daughter at Christmas, but he can’t and until she is older he won’t be a very big part of her life. I wish it was different too but no amount of wishing is going to change things. Like I said to him, if I was made to make a choice between the time we had working beside each other and the week we had before Thanksgiving for spending the actual holiday with him I would take the time we had hands down. If he were to fly out for Christmas it would be so busy we wouldn’t have any time together, he would be pulled every which way trying to see his dad, me, his extended family and friends, it would cost him triple for the flight, and everyone would end up feeling unfulfilled.
I look back over the last year and where I was last year this time; in that hell hole of a trailer, with no toilet or running water, the dog’s water dish freezing, dead mice in my water bucket, sleeping with my boots and parka on, with two quilts and my dogs for warmth and still being cold and I look around me at my perfect little tree, I am wearing a t-shirt and shorts sitting by my electric fireplace watching the ducks swim in the lake, I have a healthy son, my brother is alive and in my life, both my parents are alive and especially my mom who is back in my life and loved me enough to do the work to understand what I have been through. So, so, far from where I was last year but in actual fact only a few miles from where I was living. Will I be here next year, who knows; only God knows and he keeps secrets.
I am making a resolution to be more aware of the opportunities that come my way and I am going to try more positive thinking and visualizing what I want in life, maybe I will even do a vision board. I know one thing for certain, I do have some control over whether I am happy or not.
I haven’t kept count but I know from the many emails and comments that me being here sharing my experiences and providing a platform for others to share and support each other has saved lives. That is HUGE and makes anything I went through with JC so worth it. If I was given the choice of going back in time and not meeting JC would I do it knowing that by doing so lives would be lost? hmmmm tough question, not really, I wouldn’t because so much good came out of the whole fiasco. I wouldn’t want to take the chance of losing all the good just to get rid of an asshole that wasn’t worth the tears I shed.
I think of Shirley who is fighting to prove her son did not die of natural causes and was murdered, Kim who fights to stop Domestic Abuse because she lost her sister to her abusive husband in a murder suicide, the woman, a fellow blogger, and her son who were recently murdered by her abusive ex the day after the police gave him his guns back and lifted the restraining order. Their storm never ends, but they carry on and speak out so their loved one didn’t die in vane.
There are things that we can’t change, and then there are things we can do something about and I am choosing to focus on the things I can change, the positive difference I CAN make and JC, his inflated ego and sadistic enjoyment in destroying people can rot in hell.
As we all head into a new year I give you my favorite prayer, one I am sure you all know, but maybe forget on occasion.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Merry Christmas to you all and a great big hug.