Merry Christmas

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It’s Christmas morning and I am all alone, listening to Christmas carols, drinking a French Vanilla coffee, having a smoke (bad,bad maybe in the New year I will quit) and looking at the news knowing that there are people who come to this blog who are without power, unable to travel and being beaten by storms. I pray for everyone battling storms this Christmas Day. I pray for everyone battling an emotional storm today.

One person has been on my mind for days and it is Fee, my prayers go out to her because I know she is having an emotional storm right now.

The one thing about storms, they all eventually pass, but often times they leave destruction behind and people have to face the ugly task of rebuilding and no matter how devastating the storm was life goes on. A person can be immobilized with grief and yet the world around them goes on and we have too also.

Too many victims of a narcissist stayed too long, didn’t heed the warnings of the up coming storm, thinking they were strong enough to weather the storm or that they had nothing to lose and found out differently. But even those of us who thought their love could concure anything, even a narcissist, have to carry on with whatever we are left with and for those of you dealing with that battle today the only hope I can give you is that this too shall pass. The sun will come out again, it always does, if you are patient and take the time to look towards the sun.

We are heading into a new year and although I feel healed from the pain of JC I still suffer the consequences of thinking my love was special and enough to change him. I don’t remember how many times I told him, and truly believed; that he would never find a woman who would love him as much as I did. I now realize that many women loved him the way I did, and many more will.  I can remember feeling sorry for him because I left him and how he would realize some day what he had lost, be sad and filled with regret. hahaha How egotistical of me, I am almost embarrassed to admit now that I felt so superior to other women, that he would treat other women like dirt but my special love would earn me preferential treatment. Sure all narcissists screw around on their partner, but not JC, he was the exception to the rule. Where a narcissist is concerned there are no exceptions to the rule; everyone is treated with equal distain and if you aren’t you just haven’t been with him long enough.

Am I happy? is this where I thought I would be at 55 with a 30 year old son? Hell NO! I had envisioned by this time in my life I would have been married to the love of my life for many years, my son would be coming for Christmas dinner with children in tow. I would have the turkey in the oven by now and the house would be decorated, and I’d be frantically getting things ready for the big family dinner. But I am not sad about the way things are, I feel very blessed.

My son and I talked two days ago, he is going to work today, he has many friends in Regina and is invited for dinner to several homes but like he said, Christmas morning is for family. His room mate is gone for Christmas so he will be alone this morning opening his gifts from me. He told me he is going to work because everyone else has someplace to be but they have work piled up and he can use the money, why sit at home alone. That may sound sad and at first it made me sad to hear it but like he said, we had the opportunity to spend  a week working together, and a few days just before Thanksgiving, it is after all just another day and like every other day it only has 24 hours and when that 24 hours is up the new day begins. He thanked me for his birthday letter and I told him I meant every word, he tells me he loves me every single time we talk. He cherishes me and the rest of his family, he wishes things were different and he could see his daughter at Christmas, but he can’t and until she is older he won’t be a very big part of her life. I wish it was different too but no amount of wishing is going to change things. Like I said to him, if I was made to make a choice between the time we had working beside each other and the week we had before Thanksgiving for spending the actual holiday with him I would take the time we had hands down. If he were to fly out for Christmas it would be so busy we wouldn’t have any time together, he would be pulled every which way trying to see his dad, me, his extended family and friends, it would cost him triple for the flight, and everyone would end up feeling unfulfilled.

I look back over the last year and where I was last year this time; in that hell hole of a trailer, with no toilet or running water, the dog’s water dish freezing, dead mice in my water bucket, sleeping with my boots and parka on, with two quilts and my dogs for warmth and still being cold and I look around me at my perfect little tree, I am wearing a t-shirt and shorts sitting by my electric fireplace watching the ducks swim in the lake, I have a healthy son, my brother is alive and in my life, both my parents are alive and especially my mom who is back in my life and loved me enough to do the work to understand what I have been through. So, so, far from where I was last year but in actual fact only a few miles from where I was living. Will I be here next year, who knows; only God knows and he keeps secrets.

I am making a resolution to be more aware of the opportunities that come my way and I am going to try more positive thinking and visualizing what I want in life, maybe I will even do a vision board. I know one thing for certain, I do have some control over whether I am happy or not.

I haven’t kept count but I know from the many emails and comments that me being here sharing my experiences and providing a platform for others to share and support each other has saved lives. That is HUGE and makes anything I went through with JC so worth it. If I was given the choice of going back in time and not meeting JC would I do it knowing that by doing so lives would be lost? hmmmm tough question, not really, I wouldn’t because so much good came out of the whole fiasco. I wouldn’t want to take the chance of losing all the good just to get rid of an asshole that wasn’t worth the tears I shed.

I think of Shirley who is fighting to prove her son did not die of natural causes and was murdered, Kim who fights to stop Domestic Abuse because she lost her sister to her abusive husband in a murder suicide, the woman, a fellow blogger, and her son who were recently murdered by her abusive ex the day after the police gave him his guns back and lifted the restraining order. Their storm never ends, but they carry on and speak out so their loved one didn’t die in vane.

There are things that we can’t change, and then there are things we can do something about and I am choosing to focus on the things I can change, the positive difference I CAN make and JC, his inflated ego and sadistic enjoyment in destroying people can rot in hell.

As we all head into a new year I give you my favorite prayer, one I am sure you all know, but maybe forget on occasion.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;          
courage to change the things I can;          
and wisdom to know the difference. 
        
Living one day at a time;          
Enjoying one moment at a time;          
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;          
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;          
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;          
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him          
Forever in the next.          
Amen.
–Reinhold Niebuhr

Merry Christmas to you all and a great big hug.

Carrie

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17 Replies to “Merry Christmas”

  1. Merry Christmas, Carrie
    Your day sounds so lovely. For me, I’m doing what I have done for way too many holidays…feeling lonely and wondering what the hell I did wrong this time. I, like so many, have completely pushed family and friends out of my life. I sit in one room and he sits in another room. Of course, he seems perfectly happy. It’s like the movie..Groundhog Day…

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    1. Ann I know all too well of what you speak. I was talking to my brother the other day and he was asking me if I had plans for Christmas Eve and New Years eve and I said no, he was being very sympathetic but I told him I am fine with it. It is better to be alone than with someone you love and be lonely. Every single special occasion but especially Christmas, he would be out in his shop or on the computer all day and night and I would be alone, if I was lucky he would eat with me but that would be it, I would go to bed alone, never a gift for me, and if I got him a card or gifts he refused to open them or would toss them aside without any thanks. It was hell, I can’t believe how many years I spent that way, every year hopeful of a better Christmas. What is that saying, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
      When you are ready and tired enough of it all you will change things. Hugs… you are not alone, there are many just like you today. That makes me sad.

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  2. Merry Christmas Carrie, so glad you are in a good place, it shines through in what you share…it’s such an incredible relief once the storm passes…really really enjoyed this piece. Merry Christmas…

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    1. Thank you Betty, yes it is such a relief when the storm passes and I find I am very protective of it. For most of my life a little storm never bothered me but I am giving up storm chasing!
      Thank you for stopping by and a very very happy holiday season and new year to you!
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  3. Merry christmas to all. I spent xmas day working on my odesk accnt. Started a freelance accnt so I could stay busy…instead of focus on HIS asshole comments …
    He slept all day…and I took pics of my cats and dog with thier presents….I received nothing from my N. Not that i wanted anything….but glad my parents sent me a gift. I let him think I had no money this month…he recvd 2 presents but refused to open all but 1 …my parents sent presents also for him…he said send them back.
    Today….I am happy to be breathing…happy to have a job from home…and glad you are all out there going thru or have gone thru what I am experiencing.
    Im ok today….just ready for a good life….
    Merry christmass to all…
    Tasha

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    1. Tasha, yes we have all been there, I look back now and it seems like a bad dream, that I couldn’t possibly have endured what I did for something I called love. I tried everything I could think of to maintain my sanity and find some peace at the holidays. My ex used to always say, “Blessed are those who have no expectations because they are never disappointed”. What absolute bull shit!
      Merry Christmas to you and I hope you find peace is 2014. We will be here to help where we can.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  4. There were some things in our house that wasn’t very Christmas-like, especially since we live where it doesn’t snow. But I cannot really complain or dwell on the negatives because it is no fun either way I look at it (especially for how goofy of a personality I have). There wasn’t a lot outside of dinner, but it wasn’t like any of us weren’t happy. Yeah, we wish things would turn around for ourselves and everyone else around us, but for now we are just happy and content.

    Happy Holidays!

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    1. Michael, you made a huge move towards a better life last year when you went back to school and I am thrilled for you that you have done so well! I wish you much more success in 2014 and that 2014 is full of everything you and your family need and deserve. You have been such a dedicated supporter and encourager, thank you! and give your mom a big hug for me!
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  5. I agree with you Carrie. There is alot of things we should teach our children and don’t. One of them is how to take care of ourselves. There is the “romanticized” view of relationships especially for little girls. That somehow, they are not “complete” without a “man” in their life. A man will make their life worth living and they will fullfill their purpose. Hogwash LOL Perhaps if we emphazise self reliance and self worth we would be passing the generations down some well needed skills.

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    1. Ellie, what a nice surprise to get a call from you on Christmas day! It really made my day! I hope you had a decent day. I made it through the day without one tear or regret which I think was the first in a very long time. Having good friends helps and I feel I have made some friends here who really care and like you said that makes a huge difference.
      I have been thinking I would love to talk to girls in schools or something, someone has to educate our young women on what to look out for and to not fall for the fairy tale, that yes there is love but a woman should never sacrifice herself for love. I really hate that often times people’s solution to my financial problems is to find a man. Just do what you have to to survive long enough to find a man to take care of you. How offensive!! I could never prostitute myself like that, but many women do, simply because they don’t see that they have any options.

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      1. I heard that for years too, Carrie. It wouldn’t work for me, after the xnh. I became too independent I guess. Too much of a me person LOL. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it spend my money the way I want to, no explanations to anyone. Call my own shots, good bad or indifferent. Have I made HUGE mistakes? Oh many many of them. BUT they are my mistakes and I only have myself to blame for them. No N in the back ground telling me how it is all my fault, how I could screw up a wet dream ( HIS favorite saying ).

        There is talk here sometimes by women wondering IF they had just hung in there longer would the N had changed. That somehow some way down the road if they just had hung on things would be different. Well, I got confirmation yesterday, after all these years that they don’t EVER. ( I really know that, but it is NICE to get confirmation LOL ) The xnh is notorious for not getting the girls Christmas presents here on time. It has become somewhat of a joke over the years. Well, this year, since he booked himself in for elective surgery the Friday before Christmas he swore the cards were mailed the Thursday before. UH HUH LOL. Christmas comes and Christmas goes. NO Cards. Must have been the weather, etc. RIGHT. I happened to be the one that retrieved the mail yesterday. I think I was meant to be the one that did it. Since I never do. And there they were. Checked the post mark. Mailed on Monday LOL And , kinda funny to me, addressed by his 80 plus year old mother. He did not mail them nor even fill them out himself. And I smiled. I saw right there in my hand, PROOF, that had I hung in there my life would not have changed. SHE is still instilling her presence , her dominance over a fully grown man and he is still stupid enough to think that it is normal and acceptable. He lies when there is no reason to. And thinks no one sees thru the lies. And totally disregards his WIFE in preference of MAMA. Nothing has changed except the person being disrespected by him. Thank GOD it is NOT me.

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  6. Carrie, Great post. I like the snippets of your life especially the one that says “Even I’m impressed with how long you got me to go along with your bull shit”. So true! I’m glad the Merry, Must Be Merry Now! Christmas Day is over, I agree with you that you must look forward to a new day,and to look towards the sun. Each new day for me feels like a chance to take a deep breath, and be grateful that I am finally onto ALL of his B.S..I then pray that other victims find a way to rip off their “Ns” mask so that they themselves can start healing. Also, the new day gives me a kind of energetic feeling like I’ve gained some of my lost power and strength back, that was drained from me of all those years of drama and emotional pain.

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    1. Kate, so happy to hear you are regaining some of your strength and power, may it continue throughout 2014 ! We stay with the N because we think he can give us back the power he took but it never happens; we take our power back when we realize that he will never give us what we need and is only there to suck us dry. Everyday we are away from the N’s influence is another day of healing even if we are sad we are healing.
      Wishing you much healing in 2014.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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