Last night I had fallen asleep on the couch, (who am I tried to kid, I sleep on the couch every night since I lost Kato) but last night I had fallen asleep before I meant to and was woken up by a knock at the door. It was 11:30 pm, who comes visiting at that time?
Since I found out JC was tracking my phone calls, the tracking device was discovered on my truck and he got me fired etc I stopped opening my door at night without asking who is there. After I lost Kato I stopped opening the door during the day light hours. I have never been nervous home alone; my mother used to give me shit all the time because I regularly forgot to lock my doors but I have gotten much more diligent in recent times. Seeing as I can’t see who is at my door through any window I have gotten in the habit of locking the door as soon as I get inside and never open it unless I know who is there, any one who visits me regularly knows this. I don’t care, if they don’t identify themselves I don’t open the door, they can stand out there knocking til the cows come home. So last night when there was a knock on my door at 11:30 my heart jumped in my throat, I yelled who’s there? and got another knock. I went right up to the door and I know who ever was on the other side could hear me when I yelled again, “Who is it?” I repeated it probably 4 times and then heard foot steps in the gravel of my driveway heading in the direction of the road. I listened until I couldn’t hear their footsteps any more. If I could hear their footsteps they heard me asking who was there. I have no idea who was at my door but I had bad dreams last night because of it.
I don’t think you ever truly completely heal after being involved with a narcissist/sociopath. I am ok today, but it took me back to the nights I went to bed with my truck keys under my pillow and my purse beside me so he couldn’t sabotage my truck or steal my money. I remembered the nights I went out to the barn looking for him in the middle of the night and he would be watching me from the shadows. How he used to sneak up on his sister and me when we were in the trailer, there was gravel all around the trailer and yet he could sneak up without making a sound and just appear at the door. When you are in the middle of it all, you really doubt your sanity, this kinda shit only happens in the movies, but it doesn’t; it happens in real life.
I can not believe I was so confused and out of touch with reality that I feared for my life and had proof he had tampered with my vehicle, slept with my keys for God’s sake!! but I didn’t leave. I know there are other women out there afraid for their lives and yet not leaving. If you have that feeling in your gut that you are in danger, if he makes you nervous with his peculiar behaviour, DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF!! get out before it is too late, tell someone, go to a shelter, just get out and stay away. Please don’t play cat and mouse with the devil! This is not love, you should never fear the person who says they love you, the person you love should never hurt or scare you, ever!!
Love is nurturing, accepting, respectful, protective, understanding, it does not disrespect, belittle, criticize, beat you down with words or physically, love should never make you fear for your life.