Final Discard

As most of you know I have a very small house; storage is nonexistent. I have been trying to clear out stuff I don’t need.

Just before Christmas I went through my clothes and today I started on my receipts and paperwork.

Right on top of one of the boxes were all my journals going back to 2007. (anything prior to 2007 was destroyed by JC.)

I picked up my journal from 2009 and started reading, JC and I had just gotten back together, I had to move out of my trailer, JC had asked me to marry him. He had told me I was all the woman he would ever need, he would never be with another woman. In the month of January alone he asked me to marry him twice and promised me total honesty 3 times. But I knew something was not right.

In February I got a bladder infection both times he was home and we had sex. I called him and calmly asked if he had slept with anyone else, even while we were broken up and he swore he hadn’t been with anyone but the one woman in Africa. ( In Sept I found his journals and read what he wrote in Feb. And the other woman he had been seeing in Red Deer had called the same day and asked him if he had been having sex with anyone else because she had a bladder infection.) He wrote, “Carrie and Marita both called today and they both have a bladder infection , I wonder how that happened”.

I also recorded how much money I made everyday. Anywhere from a couple hundred to over $1000 one day. Usually between $300 and $500 a day. I sure loved that job. 2009 was a good year for making money and at times I was very happy and so hopeful about the future. I was so in love with JC.

Well, after reading February I closed the journal, bagged up all my journals and burned them.

They are of no use to me now.

I used to keep them to remind myself of how things were if I ever felt weak, but at times they worked against me. I would see how emotional I was, how crazy I would get when I would try to call him and he wouldn’t answer all day. Or he would send me a quick text message saying he would call me right back and then nothing. I knew he was with someone because when he was with me his phone would ring and he wouldn’t answer but then text someone.

I think I kept the journals just because it was all I had of him. I have no pictures, no gifts lol, a couple of letters where he blames me for everything and that’s all.

I did the final discard tonight. It was surprisingly hard to do. Its not that I thought I would ever go back, they certainly didn’t make me happy to read them. I guess it might be because they chronicled the most painful part of my life. They represent the most life altering events of my life. I can’t tell you how many times I have read those journals looking for answers. Like I kept missing something that would put a nice little bow on those years and make it possible for me to accept it all and be able to move on.

But there are no answers beyond the fact that he is disabled and never meant any of the promises he made.

I think some times I kept them because sometimes when I write about things he did I question myself (not so much any more) but the first couple of years I used to think maybe I was making it all up. Maybe I was imagining it all and really was crazy. At those times I could go back and read my journals to reassure myself that in deed it happened like I remembered.

I don’t have the self doubt I used to.

I don’t have the storage room to hang onto them, not in my house nor in my heart.

Done.

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

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15 Replies to “Final Discard”

  1. Wow! I, too, have journals, but they are not exclusively about doofus. I’m not sure I could burn them because of the other stuff in there. I have Christmas journal books that chronicle each season we shared, but tgere are other special memories in those pages that I don’t want to loose. The same thing with scrapbooks, and all the memories of all the years with my stepson (we still consider each other “family”, in spite of his Dad’s efforts).

    Oh, what to do…

    Lorie Gibson

    Sent from my iPhone

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    1. Lorie, when and if you are ever ready to part with them you will. If you really wanted to get rid of his part could you redo the scrap books and take out most of the stuff that pertains to him and keep the stuff about your step son?
      I hadn’t looked at these journals for probably a year and it just seemed like the time to do it. I was reading them and wasting time now. They serve no purpose but to make me sad and have regret, they certainly never uplift me. I have a lot of things I need to do for me, now, I have to leave the past behind me and stop torturing myself. I wasted a good hour that I could have been doing something productive.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. Carrie,
    I really appreciate this post. Funny, I just read back through some of my journals back from 1998. Almost all of them, year after year, were the same issues. They are painful to read. They have helped me see what he was doing to me. The most difficult thing I read was my constant comments about how much I loved my husband and what I was going to do to make him realize how much I did. The constant negative comments he made about me not giving him enough attention etc. My struggle to understand. My constant blaming myself for the problems.
    I like the idea of burning those journals. I still have some work to do. But, you have helped me see I need to close this chapter in my life. I’m going to set a goal to work to being able to burn those books by the end of 2014.

    Thank you friend

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    1. Morgan, you have come so far since you first started coming in here, when you are ready you will free yourself of them. We all heal at our own pace and what is good for me might not be for you but I just don’t want to waste any more time looking back. When I read those journals it was glaringly obvious that I was wasting my time then, why continue wasting my time?
      I am glad it stroke a cord with you though, you know when you do decide we will be here for you for moral support.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  3. I have not a thing left from my marriage w/ the xnh. Not a picture of him, us, us together w the children NOTHING. My children are the only reminders and most times I forget he is their father. He was a sperm donor I guess. And truthfully it’s probably better that way. No emotional attachment to him. All that really is left is the damage to me, my physche, my emotions and self esteem. I sometimes try and remember something GOOD that involved him and the only thing I can come up w/ if my childrens births. Hoping ya’ll reach that place where it just doesn’t matter any more.

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    1. Ellie, I too have nothing except my journals and now I have nothing left of him and I. For whatever reason we never did have pictures of us, he took pics of me and then when we split he gave them all to me, trying to hurt me. And he took lots of pictures of himself for his FB and personal ads. And gifts, well no fear of having any of those hanging around. He did used to bring me home little gifts that he would find in a car he was scrapping like a broken sugar bowl, or ornament, one time he gave me back my own ring with the stone removed LOL A few times he gave me gifts like when he came back from Africa and then when I found out about the woman in Africa he had promised to marry and got angry he took all the gifts back. Who else has a 10 year relationship and ends up with absolutely nothing from that time, only a person involved with an N that’s who.
      The only thing they leave you with is trauma and emotional scars. I too try remember something good about him, some memorable good time, but after the first year any good times we had were tarnished because I was always walking on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop and knowing that he would punish me later for any niceness he showed me. Me always so afraid I would say or do something that would set him off, something he would misunderstand, or if he bought me anything I would have to make sure it was a gift or was he going to bill me for it later because I didn’t want it then. Kinda takes the fun out of gifts to be invoiced later for it. LOL
      Gawd!! what was I thinking???

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      1. Funny story for you Carrie. One Christmas, perhaps it was our 2nd together, well, that winter the xnh was “trapping” alot, for muskrat, would set up a trapline along waters edge. Worked it w/ a buddy of his. That buddy did not have waders so I got a pair of waders for Christmas from the x as a Christmas gift and since I had no use for them well, they went right to the buddy to use LOL. How was that for planning on his part????? Killed 2 birds with one stone. It really is funny now, really. HOW in God’s name did I even justify being with such a POS???????

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        1. rotflmao, they are such turds and think we are so stupid that we don’t see right through their little charades.
          The last Christmas we were together his son was living with us and on Christmas eve he took his son shopping for his gift. He “bought” his son a really expensive tool cabinet on wheel and stocked it with all these tools BUT damn wouldn’t you know, they were closing cuz it was Christmas Eve and they couldn’t pick up the tool chest until after Christmas day. Of course it never got picked up, thank God I had gone and bought the boy a bunch of smaller gifts and he had something to open Christmas morning. That was the only year I got a gift and card from JC, his son made him buy me something. LOL earrings for pierced ears and my holes grew closed 20 years ago and he has never seen me wear ear rings. and he left the price tag on them. He told his son he paid hundreds of dollars and the tag said $12.95.
          Well my engagement ring was plastic and the gold washed off in two days. He just shrugged and said, |I guess I got ripped off”.
          I would have gifts for his family for Christmas to take with him because I would be going to my family and not invited to his, (he told me his mom thought I was too clingy he told them I didn’t like going there) anyway I asked if everyone like their gifts and he said yeah and then a month or so later I go to get something out of the truck of the car and there are the gifts.
          So weird.

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  4. What a brave thing to do, Carrie. Beginning a new chapter.

    I have all of Kay’s journals (about 50-60 of them) I thought about burning them. I can’t. I just can’t ….But I also have a horrible time reading them. I get myself in a horrendous state of mind. I think, “Why didn’t you tell me that, Kay?”

    Anyhow, you are Fabulous! Xx

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    1. Oh Kim, big hugs to you! I don’t blame you for keeping them. That is something totally different, I doubt I could get rid of them if I was you either, but it is a form of self torture to read them. I some times think it is so horrific that we keep going back to reread things like that because our minds just can not absorb it, almost like at some point we will wake up and it won’t be true. I am sure it is very hard for you to absorb and accept; because what happened to Kay is so totally unacceptable. We may read about it happening to other people but it doesn’t happen to us, to our life and our loved ones. It must be very hard to read her journals and remember those days you were with her and she never said anything and was holding it in. As someone who was in an abusive relationship and for a long time didn’t tell any one I would get so close sometimes, I would want to just blurt it out but I didn’t know where to start and was afraid that if I did speak it then I would have to do something about it and I always had hope things would change. I knew my family didn’t like him and I didn’t want to add fuel to that fire, other times I doubted it was as bad as it was or it was my own fault and with my son who I loved/love with all my heart I feared he would do something crazy like kill JC and then end up in jail for something I should have handled on my own. My son still doesn’t know a lot of what went on and I am sure he would be angry if he knew and that I never told him. I can remember sitting at the kitchen table talking to JC’s sister and she was telling me about how horribly her boy friend treated her, and I was listening, encouraging her to leave etc and inside I was sobbing because I could relate to everything she was saying but I couldn’t tell her that her brother was worse. The victim ends up so confused and torn, not wanting to be disloyal to their partner yet needing to reach out and be heard so we write it in journals. I know you must think that if you had known you could have saved her, talked her into leaving sooner, protected her some how but there is no guarantee of that. She knew you would want to protect her, she knew you would make her leave and for whatever reason she wasn’t ready yet and thought she had it under control. The one thing that jumped out at me whenever I read them afterwards is that it didn’t matter what date was on the cover the journal entries were all the same, nothing ever changed, nothing ever got resolved, fight after fight, me heart broken, trying to make him understand, him accusing me of things I didn’t do or think, me crying my heart out, saying his time I had had enough and was going to leave, and then things would get better for a few days and then the cycle continued. But when I was going through it, it didn’t seem like the same scenario playing out every time, every time was like the first, every infidelity hurt as much as the first. I was always defending myself against the same accusations and always thinking that if I could say it in the right way he would understand. I can’t count how many times I vowed to love him better, always thinking it was some new revelation that was going to fix it all but it was insanity. Even when his own sister told me I had to get away and she feared for her own life being associated with me, it took me another month and 1/2 to leave.
      Thank you Kim for always having such encouraging words and for your example of strength.
      Hugs xxx
      Carrie

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  5. Although I got rid of his stuff (including his dresses and underwear) I actually like looking at the few remaining phtos of “iT” Reminds me of the creep and the ‘”smirk” and what was I doing with a piece of shxt ?- thank God he has gone – no happy memories – just controlling, unfaithful and a liar. Happy now in my own-skin and back to sanity – he nearly drove me mad…. Much love xxx

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