Ok I give up; it has to be an age thing. Young people take pictures of themselves all the time and they look great. The pouty lips, big eyes that look like they just saw a ghost, no neck wrinkles, no grey hair, brilliant white teeth (when they aren’t pouting and they smile) I have been trying for months to get a decent picture of myself to put up as my gravatar and to submit with my article for the magazine.
I have given up.
I came to the shocking realization that maybe that is what I really look like?!? I am actually that old and not the angle of the camera or the lighting??!!.
While helping my brother move last weekend he handed me an envelop full of old photos. Some of me as far back as when I was two but several from my twenties and damn I wish I would have appreciated how pretty I was back then.
I never felt really attractive, I knew I couldn’t be that bad; the guys were certainly interested but I didn’t “feel” beautiful. I don’t think that is that unusual for young women. Young women are always comparing themselves to other women and are so critical of their own body.
My mom always complained that she needed to lose weight, that her ass was too big (all the women on her side of the family have that pear shaped figure) I have it too but I got the height of my dads side so I am a longer pear but still always had a thing about my weight. I knew I had a pretty face; I was always told I had a beautiful smile and was nicknamed “Smiley” by most of my customers, even got jobs because of my smile.
I still get attention but mostly because I’ve been told I have “a great ass”. Lol
A couple of years ago I was loading scrap and a young guy called to his buddy to come over. I was used to be teased by this guy and others in the same complex so knew something was up.
I kept loading, which required some bending over with my back to them. Then I hear, “See what did I tell ya? And ass of a 30 year old right?”
The other guy agreed. I stopped what I was doing and turned to give them shit (in a joking way because I wasn’t offended) then the guy says, “See??? From the front 50 from the back 30.”
Now I was 52 at the time so to be called 50 wasn’t that bad; but I would have preferred to look 30 all over or at the very least split the difference and be 40 all over.
I have found that the last two years have really aged me, a lot. And as much as I tell myself I have earned these wrinkles and I am still in good shape, I don’t like getting older.
In my mind I feel sexy and I remember a day when walking around naked in front of a man didn’t bother me in the least but not so comfortable about the thought of that now. Not that I am getting a whole lot of offers.
I think what gets me the most is the qualifying remark after someone says I am pretty….”for my age”.
There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie