On December 13th 2013 I was honored to be nominated for the Narcissist Slayer Award by Kim Saeed, thank you Kim! a link to her web site is here http://letmereach.com/ I never intended to be a Narcissist Slayer, I have never been into slaying anything, I have always been a “live and let live, lover not a fighter” type person. Even when I started my blog I did it more as a desperate attempt to continue living not to slay anyone. You see I had just failed a suicide attempt and had no support system, no one to be accountable to, I couldn’t tell my son what had gone on, I knew he would try to kill JC and the last thing I wanted was for him to suffer because of my mistake. So I decided if I was going to survive I needed to be accountable to someone. I couldn’t declare on the internet in front of the world that I was going to survive an abusive relationship and then kill myself, what message would that send? So I started crying out to the universe and eventually got a visitor and slowly more people joined my journey. They listened and encouraged and I got stronger. For 2 years every morning I thought to myself, “I can not do this one more day” and every day I made it through some days the only thing that kept me going was someone’s comment on my post. Some where along the way people started saying I was an inspiration, inspiration brought about by desperation. Now to be honored with a title like Narcissist Slayer is quite unbelievable. I proudly accept it though. I have copied and pasted Kim’s post which you can read right here:
Narcissists need no introduction. Once they’ve touched your life, you are changed forever. They literally strip you down to your deepest insecurities and slam-dunk you into misery and self-loathing; all while they skip down a yellow brick road into the forest with Bambi. In Ursula’s words: “A relationship with a Narcissist always feels like a quest. You’re recruited as a hero to save them from dragons of one sort or another. They have so many dramas and stories of dramas. They are male and female damsels in permanent distress. It feels good at first to be seen as a hero on a quest to save such a damsel, it makes love mythical in proportions, you’re a dragon slayer, but at some point you’re going to become the dragon from whom they need saving. They are always the victim in distress and never see themselves as the victimizer. Once you were a hero to them and now they’ve turned you with a wave of their wand of endless illusion into the villain. You are a dragon villain who now realizes that the real dragon villain is the damsel (male or female) who has never been in distress at all, but causes an awful lot of it for others, especially those who try and save them. You can never save them.” There are many warriors here on WordPress who dedicate their time to creating awareness of these devious soul-killers. It is my pleasure to nominate the following bloggers for their dedication and time spent on the battlefield:
“Whatever you are physically…male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy–all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside.” ~ Cassandra Clare
The rules for this award are:
1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to them. done
2. Put the award’s logo on your blog. done
3. Write a blog post and share the blog(s) you have chosen- there are no minimum or maximum number of blogs required. done
4. Inform your nominees on their site.
5. Share one positive thing that you took away from your relationship with a Narcissist. doing
I copied Kim’s list of nominees because if she wouldn’t have nominated them I would have and each one of the above sites is worth a visit. I have added three nominees that each tell their poignant story of how abuse affected/affects their lives and the lives of loved ones in the effort to raise awareness and break the silence surrounding abuse.
All 3 have lost a family member to abuse and are strong women who tell the truth with passion and eloquence.
Shirley, who’s son died under mysterious circumstances yet the “powers that be” declared his death to be of natural causes; won’t be silenced until she gets “Justice for Raymond”. http://justiceforraymond.wordpress.com/
Her strength and determination inspire me, she is a wonderful woman and mother.
Noeleen, another wonderful mother, whose own mother committed suicide on her 5th or 6th birthday (sorry Noeleen, I should remember) leaving her and her siblings to be raised by her alcoholic abusive father. Noeleen writes from the heart and with such honest emotion I rarely read one of her posts without shedding a tear, fitting since her blog name is Words Fall From My Eyes and can be found here http://wordsfallfrommyeyes.wordpress.com/ She chronicles raising her son as a single mom struggling with the after effects of being raised without a mother and at the hands of a cruel alcoholic father.
Then last but certainly not least is my dear friend Kim, who offers support and resources for victims of domestic violence at her site My Inner Chick which can be found here http://myinnerchick.com/ I don’t recall how I found her site in the first place, but once I did I spent hours reading her posts and sobbing uncontrollably as I read post after post where she shared her feelings (God, the word feelings just doesn’t do justice to what this woman shares) as she struggles to deal with the death of her sister who, only days before her divorce was to be final; was murdered in cold blood by her husband who then killed himself.
All three women inspire me and motivate me to tell my story, to not be silent any more.
Share something positive from the relationship with a narcissist.
You might be surprised to hear there were many positive things that came out of that 10 years, and although I could have done without the experience thank you very much, I have no regrets and if given the choice would do it again. I know you are thinking I must be crazy to willingly do it again. Of course knowing what I know today the relationship never would have lasted a month. But I will tell you why I feel this way.
As I said at the start, I was suicidal after JC discarded me, the abuse had gotten so bad in the last year of the relationship I truly was near crazy, I don’t think I could have been any more broken than I was. I get nauseous to think about how absolutely desolate, hopeless, and ……….broken (there is no other word for it) I was. He had stripped me of my faith in; God, a fair world, my family, myself, I had no self-esteem, no money, my work truck sabotaged by him, no possessions, he had either broken them or destroyed them, my teeth were rotten, I was a shell of the beautiful vibrant woman I had been when I met him, and he blamed/blames me for my own pain. To quote him “After all it is your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back. Every time I got away with something I thought, what else can I get away with.”
I quite literally felt like a puzzle that had been dropped on the floor and the pieces had scattered everywhere and I had to slowly pick up a piece and see where it fit or if it fit. I had pieces from my childhood, my life before JC, from other relationships, my life as a parent, the things JC told me about myself, things I knew to be true about me and lies I had told myself and future dreams that were shattered. It has taken two years but I think the puzzle is about complete, yet just this week I had another revelation about myself.
I was forced to look at myself, blood guts and gore and decide what I wanted to keep, what was mine to own and what never was mine to carry and put myself back together and what I came up with is …….. a person I like, and admire and am proud to be. I have never been more in tune with myself or others, never more empathetic, never more protective of myself (without being cynical). I no longer ask for respect, I demand it without apology, I discovered I am an artist, I rediscovered my joy of writing and talent for expressing myself through writing, I make no apologies for being me or taking up space on this earth. I know in my heart and with my whole being that I am a good person and never deserved to be treated badly by anyone, ever and never will allow it again. I am ever so grateful for so many blessing that I took for granted before. Plus I always had a nagging need to find my purpose for being here, I wanted to leave the world a better place for me being here. I know not everyone is plagued by needing to have a “purpose” but It really bothered me at different times in my life, I now feel I am making that different, that in some small way I have changed to world for the better. If one woman’s life was saved or even if her sanity, that changes the lives of her children and their children, butterfly effect. So that is the positive that came out of the horror show. I don’t think I would have ever reached this level of personal growth had I not had to put myself back together. If I would have had a man in my life it never would have happened because I would have relied on him to define me. The end. 🙂