I have been going through a bit of a ……………. for lack of a better word, difficult time. Its hard to put my finger on, a lack of self confidence that is deeply rooted and caused me to procrastinate and seriously doubt my abilities, in areas I never doubted before. I will try to explain.
Although I am feeling healed for the most part, it is like this black cloud hangs over me, I like myself better than I have ever in my life and my logical mind knows I am intelligent, and capable but my emotional mind holds me back and when I think about why I am not moving forward in areas I want to there is one thing that always comes to mind and it is JC, and I think I am having a break through as to why.
I have been researching the topic of mind suggestion, relaxation tapes, removing mental blocks that keep you from succeeding and something called paraliminal messages. They all have the same goal, to remove the negative messages we have playing in our head and replace them with positive reinforcement.
We all have tapes that run in our heads from our childhood, teens, work situations, relationships, beliefs we have about ourselves, relationships, work, etc; they can be positive tapes or negative tapes and they can keep a person from attaining their dreams and reaching their full potential.
Something has been bothering me ever since JC discarded me 3 years ago and the light finally went on a few days ago. You see I never had a problem getting jobs, keeping jobs, or being successful at anything I choose to do. I never lacked confidence in that area, ever. If I wanted to do something and didn’t know how I learned how. I graduated top of my class in college with a 4.0 GPA in Business Management and Marketing, I missed whole courses and went in and wrote the exam and passed with flying colours so there is not reason for me to now doubt my abilities.
When JC and I split, oh way back in 2006 I rented a basement suite, I had no furniture, no job, just a strong belief that I could make it somehow and I did. Things just fell in my lap. It so happened that the delivery driver for the auto wreckers where the house I was living in was located, quit and they asked me if I wanted the job. Now I knew nothing about car parts and I regularly got lost in mall parking lots so navigation was not my strong point but I took the job and I excelled at it. When the driver wanted his job back they refused to give it to him. It took me awhile and I arrived home very late some nights because I couldn’t find my way to my delivery locations but I persisted and came to really enjoy my job. I loved driving the truck, working the crane and winch and the attention I got being the only woman part delivery person but my boss was a miserable old cuss and I wanted my own truck.
Like I said I had moved in with no furniture, I didn’t even have dishes or pots, nothing, but within a month I had fully furnished a two bedroom suite from top to bottom, every time I thought I needed something the next day it would appear, either on the side of the road with a sign on it, “Free” or someone would give it to me. I have always been lucky that way. JC and I had split 3 times by this time and I had decided I was not going to put 100% in any more, he was not going to be first in my life any more; I had had enough but I couldn’t cut him out of my life completely, I felt sorry for him more than anything, Whenever we were split he would end up homeless and on my doorstep and I would foolishly let him in for a few days and then not be able to get rid of him. OR he would get a good job and start taking care of himself, being sweet and I would break down but I never officially lived with him again 2009. We talked everyday and saw each other everyday but I refused to live together. He didn’t treat me much better but he didn’t hit me through this time and I felt I was keeping some control of my life.
When I decided I wanted my own truck I went looking and with no credit and no money it wasn’t looking very hopeful and then I saw the perfect truck parked along side the road with a for sale sign in its window. I called on it immediately and the guy said he’s had 6 calls in the last hour since he’d parked it there. He came out to show it to me and I offered him my Talon in trade but he didn’t want another vehicle and I left thinking, oh well it was worth a try. He called me the next day, I guess I told him where I worked and he looked up the number. He said to me, “You really want that truck don’t you?” and I said yes but I really don’t have any money. He said he thought we could work out a deal and asked how much money I had at that moment. I said maybe a hundred bucks. He told me to write up an offer and bring my $100 to his house after work. He told me he had talked to his wife and they didn’t need the money right away and he could wait a year to get paid. So I wrote up an IOU for $3400 with a promise to pay in one year and gave him the $100 and he signed the truck over to me. Then I had to find work for it. I tried a lot of different things and nothing was making me money, I didn’t want to haul scrap but it was the only thing I was being offered so I started taking the jobs and I started making money. I never advertised, people just trusted me and wanted to see me succeed. People appreciated that I was a hard worker, the fact that I was an attractive woman certainly didn’t hurt.
Its funny how a person can be brainwashed. I had an AHA moment yesterday, I thought I didn’t have my 2006 journals but I did, I found them yesterday while going through my old papers and I found all my receipts from 2006 right through to 2008. JC always said he was sick of fixing my truck, it was one of the most common fights we had, aside from money, but while I was at the auto wreckers, I paid the mechanics there to work on my truck, when I moved to another place there was a mechanic on the corner who did my work. And then I started to remember, I had a charge account at another shop, a customer of mine who would do the work on my truck and let me pay over time. There was very little work JC did on my truck other than rescue me when my truck conveniently broke down whenever I was getting to the point of ending it with him.
He was talking about going to Africa for a long time before he actually left, and I always felt he was waiting for me to ask him not to go but I never did, in fact I encourage it. I thought it was the most unselfish thing he had ever done and if he didn’t screw it up somehow maybe I would give him another chance. I am not saying things were great through those times but I was not as invested in the relationship, I had my own place and he didn’t, which shifted the power. I still shed many tears and he still was addicted to porn and dating sites etc but I had Kato by this time, my truck and my business. I am not saying he didn’t help me either because he did help me load heavy stuff and once in a while rode along to give me a hand but most times when he called and said he had a pick up for me it was because he needed something, especially once I was given a crane and winch, then he would want to use them to load his truck.
When he went to Africa he came back after a few weeks and stayed for a couple of months and lived with me and I put him to work but we fought because he was always on the internet and pulled some real crummy shit. By that time I had my big truck and I knew he liked it, it was much nicer than his truck and I even caught him trying to steal it or at the very least get a key cut so someone else could steal it. I paid for my own repairs or I paid him to do the work. Still he bitched about having to work on my truck and it was only when I broke down on the side of the road which I now know was because he was tampering with it. Anyway, after he came back from Africa he moved in with me and I found out about the woman he had proposed to there and we were going to try again but he kept communicating with her and I dumped him. \My parents called and offered to help me buy a mobile home and I told him that was it, he could not stay in the mobile home and I stuck to my guns and that’s when he went to Red Deer. That was the summer of 2008 and my business flourished, I could do nothing wrong, even after the world economy crashed and scrap prices dropped from $310 a ton down to $80 a ton I still made $5000 to $7000 in a month. I was written up in the Province Newspaper and I even started to date a guy who had been after me for a couple of years. JC knew the guy liked me and called him from Red Deer just to say hi. But I never heard from him. He left in the cruelest way he could, we had made love the night before and I didn’t hear a word from him for 4 days and then got an email from him from Red Deer saying he was gone and he thought it was easier this way. I had found his personal ad on my computer and sent all his contacts each others emails from him so he was pissed and I didn’t give a shit.
Then in fall of 2008 after the economy crashed my parents decided they had to sell my mobile, yet were still taking a 8 week cruise because it was a previous commitment and I was devastated. My business was booming but my step dad called daily telling me to sell the truck and get a real job, work at a gas station or something. People were losing their jobs left and right, there was a 6 week waiting period for EI benefits, and people were begging for jobs. I stopped answering my phone. And that is when that fateful phone call came from JC and I heard his voice on the answering machine and ran and picked up the call. We talked on the phone, he sent a few loving emails, he was apparently doing well at his new job, making lots of money and wanted to help me but I told him I was doing fine on my own. Then came the phone call saying he was dying and had realized I was all the woman he ever wanted and could he come and talk to me.
I felt safe, because I had my truck and my business and knew that this time I would not be dependent on him for anything. I told myself it was meant to be, he didn’t know I was losing my trailer, I didn’t want him to think I was vulnerable in any way. But when I went back to him I thought I was protected and from that night on he worked at destroying every ounce of self confidence I had and any belief I had that I was capable. He was sweet for a few months right up until I had to move and that is when the house deal fell through (the one he arranged) and I spent the next two years fighting to keep my truck, keep my sanity and keep my business. I have always wondered why I made it through 8 years of being with him and came out of it with my confidence intact and was able to recoup but couldn’t do it when we split after 10 years. For one thing my parents let me down in a big way and their actions said to me that I wasn’t worth it, I wasn’t valuable, I didn’t matter as much as a cruise; that was a huge blow to me. But I think I could have recouped from that somehow if JC hadn’t immediately gone to work destroying me. He made me homeless, another huge hit to my self confidence, he started the physical abuse again and then week after week of my truck breaking down, losing customers etc, my property being destroyed. I lost all faith in myself and that is what brought me to my knees, it wasn’t losing him, it was losing me and even more importantly I stopped believing I deserved good things to happen to me, I started to be afraid, I stopped believing in good things ever happening or promises being kept, it brought me to the point of suicide. If you don’t believe good things are going to happen or if they do somehow they will fall apart, what is there to live for? He brainwashed me into believing he always worked on my truck and he didn’t, why did I not know that? thank God I did find my journals and then the receipts.
And then when I got the job at Ccon and he called and got me fired, no matter what I do, what I dream, I have this fear that he is going to somehow manage to destroy it for me for the rest of my life. It is not my logical mind telling me that, it is that little voice in my head. I felt it tonight, I was listening to this relaxation tape and the guy was saying to close my eyes and envision the most peaceful place I have ever been and everything went black and I got scared, I wanted to open my eyes and not do it but I made myself think of some place beautiful and I got past it and I am going to keep listening to the tapes and get past it until I am me again.
I don’t even know what I have typed here tonight or if it makes sense but I encourage everyone who is feeling hopeless to realize the N has filled your head with negative shit about yourself and about what you deserve, and it is lies, all of it, it isn’t that he was just nasty to you, it is more than that. He has changed your core beliefs about yourself. Brainwashing is nothing new, it has been used by terrorists, and cults for decades. At first you are in so much pain you don’t know what you are feeling or why you feel the way you do, you are just overwhelmed with emotion and pain, but when the pain subsides and you still feel this impending doom. that is the messages the N has programmed into your head and you have to find away to clear them from your subconscious. Many people get into yoga, Paula from Paula’s Pontifications is very much into yoga, other people have tried meditation and now I am trying tapes designed to remove these blocks that prevent us from living up to our potential. I will undoubtedly keep you informed as to whether it is working for me. If anyone else has tried something I would like to hear about it.
I am going to sleep now. Hugs to you all. thanks for letting me blah!!!! all over the place.