I got another thought provoking email from Chris Cade this morning and have pasted it below.It got me thinking again about the heartache of loving someone toxic like James. Was it better to have loved and lost?
I battled with that question when James and I first split and many times since but every time I have thought deeply about it I have come up with the same answer. Even though the verdict is still out as to whether he succeeded in destroying my life (by monetary standards) I have to answer Yes! It was better to have loved and lost.I will tell you why I feel this way.
1. Everyone expects you to be sorry you were stupid enough to fall for a lying son of a bitch who never loved you. If I view it that way it does make it a loss, a waste of 10 years of my life and I can’t feel bad about loving someone to the best of my ability. How can that ever be wrong or something to be ashamed of.
I did nothing wrong. I believed a pathological liar whose intention was to use and abuse me. He is the one who should be ashamed, not me. I have never said I love you to anyone because of what I could get from them. And James was no different. I loved James with no ulterior motives. I never expected the to be a payoff for loving him. In fact at one point in the relationship I had accepted he didn’t love me but I chose to love him anyway.
Loving James taught me valuable lessons about myself that I would not have learned without the experience.
It has taken me on a journey of self discovery that, although painful has made me a better person.
I learned how strong I am and the huge capacity I have to love. That even when I thought I had nothing left to give I was able to give a little more.
I used to think he would never find a woman who would love him more than I did but I think I am wrong , I am sure Marissa loves him just as much as I did and I am sure she is hurting as much as I did. I only hope she finds a way to come away from it with her heart intact and enough money to live comfortably.
I don’t feel sorry for James that he will never know what true love feels like and he doesn’t want sympathy because he sees himself as superior to all of us mere stupid humans he manipulates into giving him what he wants just by pretending to love them.
It is such a joke really. He is so inadequate, so empty and pitiful.I am so far advanced and superior to him that it actually makes him laughable.
I have the capacity for growth and self reflection and all he has is the pleasure he gets from destroying people’s lives and will never have anything more.
No amount of money can buy depth of character. He thought he could destroy me and it pisses him off to no end that he didn’t succeed. Maybe he isn’t done with me yet. Maybe he is lurking in the wings for another opportunity to ruin me.
The thing he doesn’t realized is no matter what he does he can not destroy my soul. That is what so many victims don’t realize.
They feel the N took their soul, they feel violated and like they will never heal, never be free of the poison the N injected into their.
It seems to me that since pushing myself to love even when I got nothing back I reached a new level of being able to feel love.
How can I describe it. An inner peace?
I sit here on my couch with stinky pee pads on the floor, a stool the puppies chewed the corner off of, the guts of yet another stuffy spread from wall to wall in my tiny house. I don’t know where I am going to be living next year this time or even how I will get the money to feed myself next week and yet I am at peace because I have two puppies asleep in my arms, snoring, trusting me, loving me unconditionally, and I feel so much love for these little guys it brings tears to my eyes.
How could I not feel blessed?
Now for Chris Cade’s thoughts on it.
Big hugs and puppy loves to you.
In the last couple of months, I’ve had some very interesting experiences with love.I explored that with you a little bit with that last month in my message titled “Losing hope…” where I shared how a relationship I was in had ended – even though there was an incredible amount of love and other positive qualities.The ego can’t grasp the idea that “Sometimes love just isn’t enough.”I kept being curious why. And I have continued to have faith in the answer(s) because I trusted that my experience would open me up further.I understood that I was walking a path few people would ever know and understand, but that there was a reason. A purpose that went beyond just me and my life. A few people wrote to me sharing their own stories of leaving a relationship abundant in love – because it wasn’t the right relationship.Since that experience, I’ve deepened into my understanding of love even further and in new ways.Specifically, I’ve been exploring what the phrase “Is it better to have loved and lost, or to have never loved at all?” really means.If we look at it from the perspective purely of ego and mind, then the answer is always clear: It’s better to have never loved at all.This is because the ego’s job is to keep us comfortable and have us avoid pain. And when we do experience pain, the ego holds onto it like an Olympic Gold Medal as an accomplishment…Or even like a Purple Heart Medal to wear that unconsciously says “Hey look at me! Look at my pain! This pain proves that I shouldn’t have loved, and I won’t do it again so that I can keep being right about this pain!”And what about the heart?In the true heart of hearts, where ego can’t take up residence, the answer is different: It is better to have loved and lost.”You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.”– RumiOn the path of inner growth, a broken heart is a gift. It is an opportunity for us to see what’s inside our heart’s more fully and to understand love more clearly. The pain is never the problem. It’s our resistance to the pain.I found that I was able to transition through my recent heartbreak extremely quickly because I was in total acceptance of it. That supported me in more effectively using all the tools and strategies I know to go deeper instead of staying blocked and stuck in the painful emotions.Deep down I knew it must be for the highest good… because if it wasn’t for the highest good, it wouldn’t have happened.The thing I realized recently though is that’s still a very surface level way of looking at things.Further personal experiences helped me step into an even deeper realization of “Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?”At the deepest level, when we show up truly with love in our hearts, nothing can be lost. Love cannot be lost. Yes, our egoic ideas about how love “should” be expressed in the world can be lost. And when we let go of those egoic images and ideas, what’s left in our hearts is true authentic real heartful expansive love.Expansive.In the context of the heart, “expansive” is another word for…Abundant. Prosperous. Generous. Gifted.What really brought this home for me was the following quote from A Course In Miracles:”The truly given gift entails no loss.”Yes, when we give our love fully and unconditionally, there can be no loss. Only gain for everyone.Which brings us back to the old question “Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?”And that is actually one of the biggest trick questions of all time for one simple reason:It presumes that real love can be lost.But it can’t.Love can only be temporarily hidden by our egos.Your Partner In Loving More Fully,Chris CadeLiberate Your LifeOvercome Subconscious Anxiety, Doubt, And Fear(Free eBook from me – direct download)Have you watched your inspirational video of the week?”Acres of Diamonds”
There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie