Is It Better To Have Loved and Lost

I got another thought provoking email from Chris Cade this morning and have pasted it below.It got me thinking again about the heartache of loving someone toxic like James. Was it better to have loved and lost?
I battled with that question when James and I first split and many times since but every time I have thought deeply about it I have come up with the same answer. Even though the verdict is still out as to whether he succeeded in destroying my life (by monetary standards) I have to answer Yes! It was better to have loved and lost.I will tell you why I feel this way.
1. Everyone expects you to be sorry you were stupid enough to fall for a lying son of a bitch who never loved you. If I view it that way it does make it a loss, a waste of 10 years of my life and I can’t feel bad about loving someone to the best of my ability. How can that ever be wrong or something to be ashamed of.
I did nothing wrong. I believed a pathological liar whose intention was to use and abuse me. He is the one who should be ashamed, not me. I have never said I love you to anyone because of what I could get from them. And James was no different. I loved James with no ulterior motives. I never expected the to be a payoff for loving him. In fact at one point in the relationship I had accepted he didn’t love me but I chose to love him anyway.
Loving James taught me valuable lessons about myself that I would not have learned without the experience.
It has taken me on a journey of self discovery that, although painful has made me a better person.
I learned how strong I am and the huge capacity I have to love. That even when I thought I had nothing left to give I was able to give a little more.
I used to think he would never find a woman who would love him more than I did but I think I am wrong , I am sure Marissa loves him just as much as I did and I am sure she is hurting as much as I did. I only hope she finds a way to come away from it with her heart intact and enough money to live comfortably.
I don’t feel sorry for James that he will never know what true love feels like and he doesn’t want sympathy because he sees himself as superior to all of us mere stupid humans he manipulates into giving him what he wants just by pretending to love them.
It is such a joke really. He is so inadequate, so empty and pitiful.I am so far advanced and superior to him that it actually makes him laughable.
I have the capacity for growth and self reflection and all he has is the pleasure he gets from destroying people’s lives and will never have anything more.
No amount of money can buy depth of character. He thought he could destroy me and it pisses him off to no end that he didn’t succeed. Maybe he isn’t done with me yet. Maybe he is lurking in the wings for another opportunity to ruin me.
The thing he doesn’t realized is no matter what he does he can not destroy my soul. That is what so many victims don’t realize.
They feel the N took their soul, they feel violated and like they will never heal, never be free of the poison the N injected into their.
It seems to me that since pushing myself to love even when I got nothing back I reached a new level of being able to feel love.
How can I describe it. An inner peace?
I sit here on my couch with stinky pee pads on the floor, a stool the puppies chewed the corner off of, the guts of yet another stuffy spread from wall to wall in my tiny house. I don’t know where I am going to be living next year this time or even how I will get the money to feed myself next week and yet I am at peace because I have two puppies asleep in my arms, snoring, trusting me, loving me unconditionally, and I feel so much love for these little guys it brings tears to my eyes.
How could I not feel blessed?

Now for Chris Cade’s thoughts on it.
Big hugs and puppy loves to you.

In the last couple of months, I’ve had some very interesting experiences with love.I explored that with you a little bit with that last month in my message titled “Losing hope…” where I shared how a relationship I was in had ended – even though there was an incredible amount of love and other positive qualities.The ego can’t grasp the idea that “Sometimes love just isn’t enough.”I kept being curious why. And I have continued to have faith in the answer(s) because I trusted that my experience would open me up further.I understood that I was walking a path few people would ever know and understand, but that there was a reason. A purpose that went beyond just me and my life. A few people wrote to me sharing their own stories of leaving a relationship abundant in love – because it wasn’t the right relationship.Since that experience, I’ve deepened into my understanding of love even further and in new ways.Specifically, I’ve been exploring what the phrase “Is it better to have loved and lost, or to have never loved at all?” really means.If we look at it from the perspective purely of ego and mind, then the answer is always clear: It’s better to have never loved at all.This is because the ego’s job is to keep us comfortable and have us avoid pain. And when we do experience pain, the ego holds onto it like an Olympic Gold Medal as an accomplishment…Or even like a Purple Heart Medal to wear that unconsciously says “Hey look at me! Look at my pain! This pain proves that I shouldn’t have loved, and I won’t do it again so that I can keep being right about this pain!”And what about the heart?In the true heart of hearts, where ego can’t take up residence, the answer is different: It is better to have loved and lost.”You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.”– RumiOn the path of inner growth, a broken heart is a gift. It is an opportunity for us to see what’s inside our heart’s more fully and to understand love more clearly. The pain is never the problem. It’s our resistance to the pain.I found that I was able to transition through my recent heartbreak extremely quickly because I was in total acceptance of it. That supported me in more effectively using all the tools and strategies I know to go deeper instead of staying blocked and stuck in the painful emotions.Deep down I knew it must be for the highest good… because if it wasn’t for the highest good, it wouldn’t have happened.The thing I realized recently though is that’s still a very surface level way of looking at things.Further personal experiences helped me step into an even deeper realization of “Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?”At the deepest level, when we show up truly with love in our hearts, nothing can be lost. Love cannot be lost. Yes, our egoic ideas about how love “should” be expressed in the world can be lost. And when we let go of those egoic images and ideas, what’s left in our hearts is true authentic real heartful expansive love.Expansive.In the context of the heart, “expansive” is another word for…Abundant. Prosperous. Generous. Gifted.What really brought this home for me was the following quote from A Course In Miracles:”The truly given gift entails no loss.”Yes, when we give our love fully and unconditionally, there can be no loss. Only gain for everyone.Which brings us back to the old question “Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?”And that is actually one of the biggest trick questions of all time for one simple reason:It presumes that real love can be lost.But it can’t.Love can only be temporarily hidden by our egos.Your Partner In Loving More Fully,Chris CadeLiberate Your LifeOvercome Subconscious Anxiety, Doubt, And Fear(Free eBook from me – direct download)Have you watched your inspirational video of the week?”Acres of Diamonds”

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

3 thoughts on “Is It Better To Have Loved and Lost

  1. missouriflower

    Mmm…you raise some interesting points Carrie. It can be argued different ways. In some ways, I’ve become stronger. I know I have an enormous capacity for love, but my ability to trust has now been seriously compromised. I have stronger boundaries now, which aids in self-protection. But I am now much more reluctant to let anyone inside them.

    I have learned much about myself. I don’t think I want to fall in love again! Not without a lot of proof that the new person is a safe bet! That to me means going slow and not taking sh*t from anyone! I’ve learned there is such a thing as gang-stalking and bullying by the ex’s fans!

    It would sure help if I could see the ex crash and burn. Maybe he is already! A month shy of turning 69, and looking much older with some serious chronic diseases and conditions including impotence, I well-imagine finding new supply is much more difficult for him!

    I’d have to say the jury for me is still out on this. I didn’t get hurt much financially, but emotionally, I had given my all which for me was no small accomplishment after a lifetime of suffering various abuses – I say No more! Ask me in another year, and maybe I’ll have a better answer for you!


    1. Sophie1949

      Hi Mflower,

      I am with you. The exN will be 67 this year. I didn’t get hurt financially because I managed money for a living and I did keep boundaries where that was concerned during the marriage. At first I couldn’t wait to see if Karma would impact him; But, outwardly, it doesn’t appear to have. In the last year, I have worked with a Psy, read a lot and prayed even more. I have been able to truly forgive him and no longer feel the need for him to repay anything for my satisfaction. I know God will handle that. Once I let that go, I feel I have rapidly done a turn around and have almost found peace.
      Now to the subject of this article, I totally believe what I went through was worth what happened, even though it ended badly. The divorce forced me to really look at my life, took me out of denial, and moved me closer in my walk with my God. Just realizing what love could feel like with a person, even though he didn’t feel it like me, was worth the price. Now I will say this. I specifically told my Psy. about 15 months ago, that it wasn’t worth it. I attribute my change in attitude to personal growth. Much of the discussion by this author centers around the beliefs and teachings of Dr. David Hawkins, whom I would recommend to everyone about letting go and also feeling the pain and fear that holds back our spiritual growth.

      Just like you I shall be very careful if I ever find someone to consider allowing into my life.




    2. ellie2013

      Hey Carrie and M Flower!

      Glad I have a day off today and read this. It was very thought prevoking for me. I went way back in time and realized that for me anyways, nothing I had or felt w/ the xnh could possibly even be called “love”. For sure it was an addiction and of course at the time I “thought ” I really loved him. But, if I am truthful now with myself, the things I felt had nothing to do with love. Addiction most assuredly, of course. Co dependent, of course. But a real mature feeling of LOVE? I just don’t see it there. Because of my childhood I was needy. And used to trying to get people to love me, pay attention to me that were just emotionally unavailable. And that childhood struggle seeped over to my adult. Even though I didn’t know the word Narcissism or what it was and especially what it meant, I couldn’t put a label on it. I could sense ( should have been a red flag ) that he was emotionally unavailable and that just fueled the quest to get him to be emotionally involved. I repeated the struggles of my childhood in my marriage. When the truth be told I really didn’t even like him, the person he was, the way he thought. It was the addiction to the struggle to change him I was involved in I guess. The addiction to achieve the unattainable. The addiction to the very things the N’s are and withold, to change them, through what we ” think” is love. I used to get “crazy” with the disappearing acts, would try and track him down ( in the early days ) would pace, cry and obsess about him not “wanting” to be home, when the truth is, if I am honest, I hated it when he was at home, he made my and the childrens lives absolutely miserable. Was that love? I just don’t think so.

      Did I benefit from all of it? It has made me the independent person I am today. Financially. And mentally. I will never ever TRUST anyone again with my or my childrens well being. I think there were lessons there I needed to learn and they have made me a stronger person, but a harder person too 😦 I too,, have learned ” lessons” hard ones I would have never learned on self reliance and strength. But like both of you the jury is still out LOL We will have to wait and see………. There is still alot of anxiety, I think there always will be. The left overs……….

      Hugs to you both




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