I have dug around in the back room of the blog and dusting off some old posts that I thought might be of interest to some new visitors to the blog. I had made many of them “private” so they wouldn’t have been visible even if someone had gone that far back looking for old posts. I can’t even remember now why I made them private, I think it was during a time that JC was lurching and some of them revealed how much pain I was in and I didn’t want to feed his over inflated ego.
on top of the people who comment on the blog I receive private emails from a women and men in the very first stages of being discarded by a narcissistic and as with so many victims when they are first discarded they ask in desperation, “How do I make the pain stop? Help me please.”
I never know what to say to people who ask me that, because I don’t know how to make the pain stop, it just does eventually. There is no magic cure for the pain, you just have to get through it somehow, allow yourself to grieve, be patient with yourself, stay no contact, and understand that you thought this was the love of your life, it was to you……you invested everything you had into the relationship; to be callously discarded is going to hurt and it is not going to heal any time soon.
The pain is an indication you ARE healing, if you bury your pain, start dating right away thinking it will fix your broken heart you are only delaying your pain, not healing it. To bury yourself in work, alcohol, drugs, or any other self-destructive activity is only doing you more harm and not helping you heal.
I dug up the old posts to show how broken I was, so people can see that having contact does not work, that you do have good days and bad days and what they are going through is normal. I urge anyone reading the old posts to also read the comments. Long before I was giving advice I had some very compassionate and wise women giving me advice. Thank God for Mystery Coach and Tik Tok, who spoke the truth as kindly as possible and Aneesha, and Noeleen (Words Fall From My Eyes,) my first followers who always had words of encouragement as I stumbled along in my recovery.
Here is my very first post from April 2011 I was full of optimism that day but many days of total despair were to follow.
>What is that saying? This is the first day of the rest of your life? And this is mine. Today I leave all the crap behind me and start my new life, whatever may come, I will move forward.
It’s a beautiful spring day, the time of year when birth, rebirth and new beginnings are all around you, it inspires me to blossom myself.
I just had a birthday and that is always a landmark time of putting the past behind and make plans for the “new year” ahead.
The timing couldn’t have been better, I sold the Ford and got the Chevy the day before my birthday so I would be ready for my rebirth. (I haven’t had even one other call about the truck)
I had to change my phone number recently because JC was trying to suck me back into the web of his sickness; definitely not a smart move business wise but necessary for my emotional stability, plus with all the truck down time over the last year my business is all but defunct anyway.
Birthday + smaller different truck + new phone number + spring + goodbye to James = New Beginnings, new hope.
does your New Year start Jan 1st, on your birthday or some other significant time during the year? Have you ever “reinvented” yourself?
What the last 2 years taught me about healing
How does a person heal?
1. Acknowledge your pain, yes it hurts like hell and don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t hurt. You just lost what you thought was your soul mate, the person you were going to spend the rest of your life with AND to add insult to injury you have just found out he never loved you and you were used, abused and tossed aside like a piece of garbage. Not something you are going to “just bounce back from”
2. Seek supportive people to talk to, anyone who tells you to “just get over it”, “move on”, “be happy he is gone”, “they never would have let it happen to them”, ” ask you why you stayed”, are NOT being supportive. A supportive person will let you cry, ramble on about all the horrible things he did, remind you of the horrible things he did, assure you that it is not your fault and you did all you could and is ready to do it over and over. If you don’t have someone you can do that with, join a support group on the internet, ask your local woman’s shelter about support groups in your area, seek counseling (but make sure they are familiar with narcissists).
3. DO NOT CALL THE NARCISSIST LOOKING FOR CLOSURE! any contact with the narcissist will only delay your recovery and cause you more pain. He is on a high right now, seeing your pain gives him huge supply, he has his new woman adoring him thinking she has met her soul mate and you devastated at losing him. There are few things better than that for a narcissist.
4. Do not check his Facebook, text him, ask friends about him, write him letters, drive past his house or contact him in any way. You will only regret it and set yourself back. If he contacts you which he almost certainly will, do not respond. Tell your friends that you don’t want to hear how he is doing, about the new woman nothing….it hurts you and you are trying to heal. If they persist in sharing all the juicy details of his life tell them if they don’t stop you will have to distance yourself from them until you are healed. A true friend will not take pleasure in causing you pain.
5. Block him on everything, email, text, Facebook, change your phone number, move if you have to in order to avoid any contact with him. He is toxic and does not care about you, he will only contact you to get his ego stroked.
6. Know the more you beg, call, contact him in any way the more desirable you are making him look to the new woman, Stop it!
7. Research, read, acquire all the knowledge you can about narcissism, psychopaths, sociopath, domestic violence, knowledge is power and more than likely you are going to need it in days to come when you have to deal with the narcissist over child custody, property settlements etc
8. Journal, write down your feelings everyday, it helps to release it from your mind and body and it also provides a reference to look back on when you feel you are not healing and you can go back and read how far you have actually come.
9. Be prepared, the first week or so you will hardly be able to function and will spend all day in bed crying, unable to eat, work or even speak. After that you will have to start to function at some level but expect to cry daily for a long time, congratulate yourself for making it through an afternoon without tears. It may take months before you get through a whole day without crying but it will happen. Just when you are thinking you are over the worst of it you will have what I call a “healing crisis”, something will trigger what seems like a set back. You will have a dream about him, see him some where, hear from a friend what he is doing, or find out another lie he had told and you will spiral into despair. You will feel you will never heal and are doomed to spend eternity with this huge hole inside you. Just go with the flow, while in the relationship many of us suppressed the pain or blocked out much of the abuse in a desperate attempt to survive, it is a nature instinct where our mind only allows us to deal with what we can at any given time, as we heal we are able to deal with the pain we were unable to deal with at the time. Little by little we deal with the pain until we are cleansed of it completely, it is an arduous task but is well worth the effort and time. Once you find out who you have been dealing with and their true motives it alters the whole relationship, you end up reliving the relationship from this new perspective and it can be ugly. You will have revelations, answers to questions that you won’t like, lies will be revealed, suspicions confirmed as you view the relationship as it truly was and not the fantasy you wanted to believe.
10, Remember, it is not about you. It is not about *her*, or the woman after her, or the woman before you. It is about him and his sick warped mind and his need for control and gratification. She is not better than you, she is just fresh supply. Just as he treated you like a princess, vowed to love you forever and made you feel like you were the best thing that every happened to him, he is now doing that to her AND just as he devalued you he will devalue her and eventually she will be discarded just as you have been. History is the best indicator of the future. They do not change.
11. Soul searching and self introspection. You have the very rare and potentially rewarding chance to reinvent yourself, take it! You have been broken into a million pieces, you are wondering why, how, what did you do to attract him, how did he manipulate you? No one is immune, but that said we have to be very aware of our own triggers, because that is what he focuses on; the individual’s weaknesses, fears and insecurities, we all have them, everyone has some baggage, it doesn’t make it your fault because you didn’t know what you were dealing with, but now you do and it is only prudent of you to guard yourself from it ever happening again. People mistakenly want to learn about all the traits of a narcissist in hopes they will avoid getting hurt again. The only problem with that is the narcissist is such a good actor and morphs into whatever his victim desires, he doesn’t reveal his true nature until the victim is hooked. The only way to guarantee you won’t get sucked in again is to know yourself, your triggers, your soft spots.
12. identify your boundaries, if you don’t know what they are come up with some!! Decide now, what you will and will not accept from a man, the deal breakers; such as honesty, fidelity, whatever is important to you, set those boundaries and do not sway on them, these are the deal breaker boundaries and the first time someone breaks one they are out of your life, no second chances. If you don’t have deal breaker boundaries how do you ever defend them? If you don’t know what your boundaries are it is too easy to compromise your core values and once you allow someone to disregard your core beliefs and values it gets easier and easier to allow it.
13. While you are doing all this soul-searching and dissecting the relationship and trying to put yourself together you have the golden opportunity to keep the parts of you that you like and get rid of the parts you don’t like. With every piece if the puzzle I looked at it and decided whether it was mine to pack, if it was a lie JC told me, a lie I told myself or a lie from somewhere in my past. Once you are away from the narcissist for a length of time, you will start to see things from a realistic perspective, not from the angle of a victim who is being battered by an evil abuser. I was able to look at various things that went on in the relationship and see that I was right to be upset, I was extremely proud of the way I handled some situations and not so proud of others, I was ashamed of some stuff and had to forgive myself. I had beliefs about myself that weren’t true but had played in my head since I was a child. Wen I was done putting all the pieces of me back together (it took 2 years and it is an ongoing process to some degree because I never want to stop growing) I realized I am a hell of a person! I like me more than ever before in my life, I am not perfect, nor would I want to be but I have some really admirable traits, just as you do, but it is human nature to believe the crap people tell you about yourself over anything good you hear. The narcissist fed off of that, JC used to always bring up this ambiguous “trait” of mine that he just could not tolerate, by the time we split I was paranoid that when people first meet me they like me but eventually they will discover whatever it was that JC discovered and then they will see the “real” me and reject me. That is absolute bull crap and it is brainwashing.
Down the road, at some point you are going to be, maybe walking down a road and out of the blue you are going to have an epiphany hit you and you are going to realize you are at peace, a peace you have never felt before and it is going to come from liking who you are. It is going to feel so good you are going to want to stop people in the street and tell them, “I survived sleeping with the devil, and I like me! I survived and I am going to be ok!” and then you will know you made it to the other side and life will never be the same. You will have reached a new level of self-awareness and acceptance and you will have a deeper appreciation of the good people in the world and very little tolerance for the evil people in the world. You won’t need a man to tell you that you are attractive, desirable or lovable, you know you are.
When I say to people that I doubt I will ever be in another relationship they always want to make me feel better and will say, “Oh give yourself time, you’ll feel like it some day.” or they tell you that they hope you “find love in the future”, or “the right man is out there” “some day I will meet a man who loves me for me”. But they are missing the point, I am not sad when I say that. It is such a huge relief to not care, to not place so much emphasis on having someone to love and have them love me. I used to think I was no one without someone to love. Loving is what I did. loving defined me. I wasted so much time in my life, not just with JC but my whole life trying to please the man I loved, trying to be lovable, trying to be enough. I wish I would have figured out decades ago that I have always been enough. I truly do not want to compromise and accommodate any more, I don’t want the hassle of a relationship, I have pursuits I want to explore and I don’t want to have to consider another person and their baggage. Maybe some day I will feel less selfish but I do nothing I don’t want to do just because someone thinks I should. It is a wonderful feeling and I have heard from other people that they have had the same revelation. I urge you to take time to grieve and heal, it is well worth the effort.